Parents wedding quesion?

[Catherine_W]

My mom and dad have been married for about 25 years, they are both Catholic and married in the Church. But my parents do not have a very happy marriage; they just can’t seem to communicate. So I am preparing for marriage and have been talking to my grandmother (my mom’s mother) a lot lately about marriage. She keeps asking me if I’m nervous… and then goes to tell me how my mom was so nervous before she got married that she was crying and really not doing very well… so my grandmother told me that she gave her a tranquilizer to calm her down!! Now this completely shocked me and now I am left questioning if my mom really had full consent when she was getting married?? Should I be worried that my parents are really married? Also, I can’t believe everything my grandmother says, she is elderly and still has a sharp mind, but sometimes she says things that are completely wrong (for example… she is convinced my brother was born underwater, when in fact he was born in a hospital bed). So should I worry? Should I bring this up to my mom?

I also am afraid to bring it up to her; my mom has so many ill feelings towards her marriage and her wedding day.

Thanks!

 

[chevalier]

It doesn’t look like the tranquiliser affected the will, so you shouldn’t probably worry.

 

[1ke]

No, you should not bring it up to your mother. And, no you should not be worrying about your mother’s marriage. She’s been married 25 years, and although in your opinion it may not be a “good” marriage, obviously she and your dad are committed to making it work. Unless she solicits your advice, I say stay out of it.

 

[lizaanne]

No, you should not bring it up to your mother. And, no you should not be worrying about your mother’s marriage. She’s been married 25 years, and although in your opinion it may not be a “good” marriage, obviously she and your dad are committed to making it work. Unless she solicits your advice, I say stay out of it.

Yep - I totally agree with this. Sowing the seeds out doubt in the mind of a woman who may not be happy could tear apart a marriage that very well could be valid. Don’t play with fire.

~Liza

 

[Catherine_W]

Thanks for your advice. I agree with your posts. I wanted advice not to give her an excuse to get out of the marriage, but just an idea to see if they should do something again to reaffirm their marriage. I know they are not always happy; however I think that they are committed and would stay together no matter what. But I will take your advice and not bring it up. I guess this just got me thinking about marriages that get annulments… could it be that there are happily married people who think they did things correct when getting married; however in actuality they did something to make it null? What is God’s view of them?

Thanks !

 

[puzzleannie]

My mom and dad have been married for about 25 years, they are both Catholic and married in the Church. But my parents do not have a very happy marriage; they just can’t seem to communicate.
. . .
Should I be worried that my parents are really married?

No the circumstances of your parents’ wedding, and what goes on inside their marriage is none of your business. You have no right to speculate, and no need to worry about any of this. What you should do is observe what is right about their relationship–including their fidelity, they are still together, they raised you.

Discern your own marriage, by discussing with your fiance God’s plan for you in your lives, resolve to base your marriage on acceptance of God’s will and trust in divine providence. Pray about it together, and follow God’s laws on marriage. Get good pre-marital preparation, and learn how to communicate.

 

[estesbob]

My mom and dad have been married for about 25 years, they are both Catholic and married in the Church. But my parents do not have a very happy marriage; they just can’t seem to communicate. So I am preparing for marriage and have been talking to my grandmother (my mom’s mother) a lot lately about marriage. She keeps asking me if I’m nervous… and then goes to tell me how my mom was so nervous before she got married that she was crying and really not doing very well… so my grandmother told me that she gave her a tranquilizer to calm her down!! Now this completely shocked me and now I am left questioning if my mom really had full consent when she was getting married?? Should I be worried that my parents are really married? Also, I can’t believe everything my grandmother says, she is elderly and still has a sharp mind, but sometimes she says things that are completely wrong (for example… she is convinced my brother was born underwater, when in fact he was born in a hospital bed). So should I worry? Should I bring this up to my mom?

I also am afraid to bring it up to her; my mom has so many ill feelings towards her marriage and her wedding day.

Thanks!

After you have been married 25 years then and only then can you express your concerns to you Mother. As far as whether your parnets marriage is valid if we dimissed every marriage where one of the participants was so nervous as to cry and other wise be upset we would probably have to inavilidatec most of the marriages in the county. Marriage is a BIG life changing event-I would be worried about someone who ws not nervous going into it.

 

[1ke]

I wanted advice not to give her an excuse to get out of the marriage, but just an idea to see if they should do something again to reaffirm their marriage.

No, they do not need to do anything to “reaffirm their marriage”. Their marriage is valid. Canon Law:

Can. 1060 Marriage possesses the favor of law; therefore, in a case of doubt, the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven.

I know they are not always happy; however I think that they are committed and would stay together no matter what. But I will take your advice and not bring it up.

Good. Do not bring it up. It is definitely NOT your place.

could it be that there are happily married people who think they did things correct when getting married; however in actuality they did something to make it null? What is God’s view of them?

Again, I refer you to Canon 1060-- the marriage IS valid, until *proven *otherwise, not until *speculated *otherwise.

If one or both parties believes there is an issue, the church has a procedure-- convalidation-- to correct a defect of consent.

Again-- it’s not YOUR place to make any sort of judgment or speculation regarding the validity of their marriage. Only the two of them can do so-- and if they have no reason to do so then their marriage is valid.

 

[Catherine_W]

I am not trying to be mean to my parents and question their marriage, instead I was just concerned that they should reaffirm their vows, just incase something wasn’t quite right the 1st time. I guess I was concerned a drug, such as a tranquilizer might take away your full consent? But I guess I was wrong. I understand that most people get nervous; it just seemed like the way my grandmother told me was that my mom wasn’t going to go through with it.

And yes there are things I can learn from my parents marriage, like you all mentioned their fidelity and how they have persevered through 25 years. However I think mostly I can learn form their mistakes. Since as far as I can remember they always fought and argued constantly, my mom threatened divorce almost every year when I was younger. My mom treats my dad worse that she would treat anyone in the entire world, I truly think she doesn’t care for him at all and instead has put all her efforts into her children (almost to an obsessive point). And my dad is a good man, he works hard is kind and faithful… but he is quiet and I guess not a good talker. Anyways… this has nothing to do with the validity of their marriage.

I was only asking my question out of concern for them, not as a judgment or trying to find an excuse to end their marriage, I want them to be together always, I want them to learn to care for each other again, and I want them to be happy. I was thinking maybe renewing their vows might bring them closer again, but probably not. I am getting married and my brother is starting college in a few months, I just worry for them once all the kids are gone.

 

[Catherine_W]

Again-- it’s not YOUR place to make any sort of judgment or speculation regarding the validity of their marriage. Only the two of them can do so-- and if they have no reason to do so then their marriage is valid.

Ok, I will not think about this again. Thank you for your information. I will never say anthing about it to my parents.

 

[journey137]

I am getting married and my brother is starting college in a few months, I just worry for them once all the kids are gone.

Don’t worry about their marriage, worry about your own. They will take care of themselves. Maybe without kids in the picture your mom will be able to focus on your dad and they will be forced to work through some of their issues. Almost the exact same thing happened with my mom and dad when I went off to college (only child) and they ended up talking and working out most of their differences and they decided to stay together. Before that, they were planning to separate when I moved out for good. It surprised me that they worked it out so maybe your folks will work it out too.