Parents' wishes for their ashes

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I am in the process of finding housing for my elderly parents in the state where I live. They are moving here because my older brother, who has been their go-to for help/care, is moving across the country, and they have elected to move closer to me because my husband and I have kids, and my brother and his wife never were able to. Anyway, it’s my turn.

For convenience sake, power of attorney will be transferred from my brother to me, although he and I will work together with my parents in all decisions (It has been the three of them so far; I will be the extra voice). One decision that my parents have already made is that when they die, they wish to be cremated, have their ashes mixed together and then distributed all around a little resort town where they spent many happy vacations after we kids were grown up.

I am well aware that this sort of “distribution of ashes” (ha ha) is against Catholic teaching. My parents are former Catholics - my mom was raised Catholic and my dad converted to marry her, although he wasn’t all that interested in the faith. It was a means to a desired end. They have not practiced the Catholic faith in 50 years, maybe longer. I was raised atheist and converted to the Catholic faith in my 30s.

One of my hopes in bringing them to where I live is that I can get them to Mass now and then and perhaps kindle a love for the Catholic faith such that they return to the Church. This is definitely a pipe dream as their biggest objection to the Catholic Church has always been the Sacrament of Confession - they don’t consider themselves to be sinners and have long been proponents of legalized abortion, contraception, etc. and don’t wish to be told they are wrong.

At their ages and in consideration of their various health problems, my folks will probably only be with us for years, not decades, but I figure the Holy Spirit can do anything. If things don’t change, however, I have the problem of obeying their wishes regarding their remains after they die. I can’t even keep an urn holding one parents’ remains on the shelf until the other dies, and I certainly can’t participate in their scheme of leaving little piles of themselves all over an unsuspecting village.

I’m inclined to take the chicken way and not say a word until the time comes. But then, that’s a lousy time to announce that I won’t be party to the plan. My brother is a non-Catholic Christian - he would probably take charge of fulfilling their wishes if I bow out, but the whole thing makes me squeamish. Any thoughts/advice?
 
I think that is the best course. If you believe the conversation with your parents would cause strife, keep it to yourself. My stepmom just died and she wished to have her ashes scattered at her mother’s grave. My dad (both were/are non Catholics) is doing that. I don’t know what my dad’s wishes will be, but I have non Catholic siblings who can/will fulfill what I don’t believe I can.

Sounds like you have a sibling who will fulfill that wish. So talk to him about it when the time comes, also talk to your pastor about your parents situation.
 
I think the truth is always the best way.
Tell them it’s against your beliefs on proper burial of the dead, and care for cremains.
Ask them to find someone else who can do it with a clear conscience, and you won’t interfere. Don’t spring it on anyone else yourself. You wouldn’t like it if they passed it to you. It’s best if the parents make their own arrangements, with a willing party.
 
I’m not sure where you are from, but I am a funeral director in the US and I have some thoughts on this.

You already know the Church’s stance on this- which is great! If you don’t want to have this conversation with your parents, that would make sense to me. If you want to fight a little for it, here’s what I would do:
  1. Power of attorney ends at death. When one parent dies the survivor would be in charge of all funeral arrangements (including what to do with the ashes) regardless of what your say is. After the survivor passes, again, with POA being “dead,” the right to dispose would fall in a 50/50 split with between you and your brother. -Get a HealthCare Directive (HCD) and have each of your parents put you in charge (specifically) over their funeral arrangements.
  2. When the first one passes, even though it may make you squeamish, hold on to the urn (even keep it on the mantle, if that will keep the peace). If you get the HCD, you’d be in charge, but just be cool about it.
  3. When the surviving spouse passes, then, if you have the HCD, you may then do what you like with the ashes. You can then bury them and no once can say “boo,” because the HCD should trump all other legal documents, even living wills (at least where I’m from).
  4. Then you’ve done the right thing, you haven’t hurt Mom or Dad’s feelings while they’re living, and you’ve spared some vacationing child from having to empty Mom and Dad out of his sandals after a walk on the beach.
I’ve seen this done and I plan to have to do something similar in the future with my mother.

One thing I will say is that you have to choose which hill you want to die on. My opinion, is, if you really REALLY want to avoid it, do. They lived the majority of their lives denying their faith (and not even passing it on to you). If God desires, in some way, to save them, He can certainly sweep their ashes into a pile before the resurrection of the body.

I wish I could give more advice, but now you have both sides, anyway.
    • Tyburn
 
So…what mom doesn’t know won’t hurt her???
Amazing.

OP, do what you know is right. Don’t lie, & don’t do anything behind their backs (ummmm ashes).
If you cannot truthfully do what they want done, in good conscience, then simply ask that someone else be chosen for the job.
There’s no shame in that.

I think they would have a great deal more respect for you if you were just honest.
 
pianistclare said:
So…what mom doesn’t know won’t hurt her???
Amazing.

OP, do what you know is right. Don’t lie, & don’t do anything behind their backs (ummmm ashes).
If you cannot truthfully do what they want done, in good conscience, then simply ask that someone else be chosen for the job.
There’s no shame in that.

I think they would have a great deal more respect for you if you were just honest.
Click to expand...
Yes, I agree. Respect your parents’ wishes, even if they go against your own. Don’t agree to do one thing to their face and plan to do something else because your family will be upset and offended at the deceit.

The best thing you can do, as Clare says, is to tell them calmly that your faith doesn’t allow you to do what they want and ask them to tell someone else.

Lou
 
Don’t be self-righteous, for goodness sake.

Hey OP, how about ostracize your family, make a big scene, and THEN let the wrong thing happen: it’s up to you.
 
Thanks for all the (name removed by moderator)ut, one and all!

I will be honest with my folks if/when the issue comes up, but because they are so sensitive about the Church telling them they are wrong about anything, I’m not going to go out of my way to say, “It’s against my religion.” My goal is to bring my parents BACK to the Church, not push them farther away. They are elderly and not in good health, and I will be the primary offspring they will depend on for their final years, so I’m going to treat them respectfully in the spirit of “Honor your father and mother” and not start arguments.

If they specifically ask me to dispose of their ashes as they have currently chosen, I will say, “Is it okay if (my brother) handles that for you?” They’ll probably agree without another thought since he’s always been their favorite and he’s been in charge of this thus far because they gave him POA. If they ask why I don’t want to handle it for them, my first response will be, “I’m just not comfortable with the idea, but I respect your wishes.” If they push for more details - and ONLY if they do - then I’ll explain more thoroughly, including the Church’s teachings.

I think it would be wise to privately inform my brother that I won’t participate in this long before the time comes, but he won’t mind when I explain that it’s my religious belief. Indeed, he might be against it, too, and then I can go over the HCD information with him.

TyburnTreeHuggr, thanks especially for the POA and HCD information. I didn’t even know about the HCD thing. My brother might have, since he’s had POA for 5-6 years, but I’m new to all of this.
 
TyburnTreeHuggr said:
I’m not sure where you are from, but I am a funeral director in the US and I have some thoughts on this.

You already know the Church’s stance on this- which is great! If you don’t want to have this conversation with your parents, that would make sense to me. If you want to fight a little for it, here’s what I would do:
  1. Power of attorney ends at death. When one parent dies the survivor would be in charge of all funeral arrangements (including what to do with the ashes) regardless of what your say is. After the survivor passes, again, with POA being “dead,” the right to dispose would fall in a 50/50 split with between you and your brother. -Get a HealthCare Directive (HCD) and have each of your parents put you in charge (specifically) over their funeral arrangements.
  2. When the first one passes, even though it may make you squeamish, hold on to the urn (even keep it on the mantle, if that will keep the peace). If you get the HCD, you’d be in charge, but just be cool about it.
  3. When the surviving spouse passes, then, if you have the HCD, you may then do what you like with the ashes. You can then bury them and no once can say “boo,” because the HCD should trump all other legal documents, even living wills (at least where I’m from).
  4. Then you’ve done the right thing, you haven’t hurt Mom or Dad’s feelings while they’re living, and you’ve spared some vacationing child from having to empty Mom and Dad out of his sandals after a walk on the beach.
I’ve seen this done and I plan to have to do something similar in the future with my mother.

One thing I will say is that you have to choose which hill you want to die on. My opinion, is, if you really REALLY want to avoid it, do. They lived the majority of their lives denying their faith (and not even passing it on to you). If God desires, in some way, to save them, He can certainly sweep their ashes into a pile before the resurrection of the body.r

I wish I could give more advice, but now you have both sides, anyway.
    • Tyburn
Click to expand...
I am amazed a funeral director would have such disrespect for someones wishes. I hope you dont show the same disrespect to your clients.

To the OP, thankfully in your situation, you dont need to go against your beliefs as you have your brother who could carry out your parents wishes. Of course best case scenario is they return to the faith and change their arrangements. Please respect your parents wishes though, there is nothing wrong with saying to your brother “im sorry, i cant in good conscious do this” there is something seriously going behind their backs, manipulating things and doing something you know they wouldnt want.
 
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