Parents with Personality Disorder?

[TOBaddict]

After an emotionally and verbally abusive childhood, I went through months of therapy to examine my actions, what is wrong with me, and how I can improve for my parents. After about 6 months and talking to my priest, I finally came to the realization that I am not the problem. Based on my parents’ abusive childhoods and their behavior patterns, they are a Borderline Personality Disorder (mother)/Narcissistic Personality Disorder (father) couple. Though there is no official diagnosis, I know this pairing is common. They are a textbook case and when I read other peoples’ stories of their (diagnosed) BDP/NDP parents, I swear they were watching through the window or something. Same exact situations, same exact phrases, manipulations, and abuses. My mother will snap in and out of rage saying absolutely awful things, then a couple of seconds later, deny that she said anything and wonder why I’m not light-hearted. If I point out how hurtful what she said was, I become the bad guy. You never know what you are going to get with her. My father, I swear, is incapable of sacrifice or love for the good of another. It is heartbreaking to watch their marriage. Other than this, I have mental health problems (wonder why…) and physical health problems from growing up in this environment. Just thinking of spending time with them gives me stomach pain.

TL;DR Is there anyone else out there with BDP/NDP parents? How did you handle your relationship with them? My priest said to move out (I’m still in university), get therapy, and to contact them on my own terms. The relationship with them is exhausting. While my dad ignores me, I can’t handle the back-and-forth with my mom of being sucked in only to be abused again, then sucked back in. Please tell me I’m not the only one

Edit: Currently reading books such as “Walking on Eggshells,” “Boundaries” by Townsend. Any other suggestions?

 

[Amer1ca]

I’m very sorry to hear about your parents. But since you still live with them and are in college all you can do is follow Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother.” Continue to pray for them and their salvation because in Heaven all will be right.

 

[TOBaddict]

I’m very sorry to hear about your parents. But since you still live with them and are in college all you can do is follow Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother.” Continue to pray for them and their salvation because in Heaven all will be right.

I will be graduating and hopefully moving out next month

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

No matter what you do, don’t put yourself in any danger. If you need to, don’t hesitate to call the necessary authorities.

 

[GLam8833]

My parents were just the opposite,
my mom NEVER said “no” to us
kids(I have one brother) and my dad
didn’t demand anything of us, he
was super lenient and let us find our
“own religion”, but he was a good
role-model.

 

[acadiANNA]

I am praying for you, that you can move above the hurts. Forgive your parents. Always pray for them and wish them well.

 

[Lou2U]

I will be graduating and hopefully moving out next month

Keep going. Try to limit the time you spend with them - only what you are comfortable with. Your Priest is right, listen to him and ask for advice when you need it. When you move out, things will get so much easier for you.

Lou

 

[jazzy0710]

A

Edit: Currently reading books such as “Walking on Eggshells,” “Boundaries” by Townsend. Any other suggestions?

Those books are a very good start. I’ve read both and I atcually own a copy of boundaries.

It’s not easy for sure.

I’ve been in and out of therapy myself too for this reason. My Psychologist suspected that my Mother might have BPD based on what I was telling him about her behavior.

Growing up with her was very difficult to say the least. I suffer immensely from Anxiety and Depression but mostly Anxiety.

Remember that it isn’t your fault. Borderline Personality Disorder more often than not is learned behavior as well as a coping mechanisim, a way of survival. What was your Mother’s childhood like? Was she abused at all physically or even sexually? My Mother was abused by her one of her older Brothers, her Father, and molested by one of her Uncles.

It isn’t your job to make her happy. I know this was a difficult one for me. As children we want to keep our parents happy and have their blessing. Our happiness depends on ourselves.

If you have to keep a distance for your own sanity do so. I had to do this at one point for almost 6 months. I didn’t talk to or see my Mother at all. We had got into a huge fight at her house on Christmas Day and I ended up leaving because she had a friend over and I overheard my Mother telling her that she was fed up with how fat I was and how I was the fatest one of the Altar Servers at my Church the night before at Xmas Eve mass. Those comments really destroyed my self esteem and drove my Anxiety thru the roof!

Attend all of your therapy sessions. Listen intently and use all of the tools and resources you are given.

My relationship with my Mother has changed much since I had my son almost 2 years ago but every once in a while she’ll say something inappropriate or uncalled for and I’ve become more efficent in brushing it off.

I hope this helps and best of luck

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I read Children of Self-Absorbed Parents by Nina Brown years ago. ewtn.com/faith/teachings/churb1.htm

I felt that the author must have been a fly on the wall where I grew up!

It is definitely exhausting, for sure. I don’t know if my parents are NPD and/or BPD, but they definitely displayed some of those types of behaviors (sometimes even to this day). If I found out that either of my parents were diagnosed as NPD and/or BPD, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I agree with your priest. Move out. Even if you have to borrow the money from a friend for the security deposit. I would think owing money to a friend would be way better than having to deal with what you describe on a daily basis.

Personally, I will never live with my parents again in their house. No way, no how. I’d rather be homeless than live with them, if that is what it came down to.

 

[guanophore]

After an emotionally and verbally abusive childhood, I went through months of therapy to examine my actions, what is wrong with me, and how I can improve for my parents. After about 6 months and talking to my priest, I finally came to the realization that I am not the problem. Based on my parents’ abusive childhoods and their behavior patterns, they are a Borderline Personality Disorder (mother)/Narcissistic Personality Disorder (father) couple. Though there is no official diagnosis, I know this pairing is common. They are a textbook case and when I read other peoples’ stories of their (diagnosed) BDP/NDP parents, I swear they were watching through the window or something. Same exact situations, same exact phrases, manipulations, and abuses. My mother will snap in and out of rage saying absolutely awful things, then a couple of seconds later, deny that she said anything and wonder why I’m not light-hearted. If I point out how hurtful what she said was, I become the bad guy. You never know what you are going to get with her. My father, I swear, is incapable of sacrifice or love for the good of another. It is heartbreaking to watch their marriage. Other than this, I have mental health problems (wonder why…) and physical health problems from growing up in this environment. Just thinking of spending time with them gives me stomach pain.

TL;DR Is there anyone else out there with BDP/NDP parents? How did you handle your relationship with them? My priest said to move out (I’m still in university), get therapy, and to contact them on my own terms. The relationship with them is exhausting. While my dad ignores me, I can’t handle the back-and-forth with my mom of being sucked in only to be abused again, then sucked back in. Please tell me I’m not the only one

Edit: Currently reading books such as “Walking on Eggshells,” “Boundaries” by Townsend. Any other suggestions?

Yes, moving out will help a lot. Is this practical?

 

[Melissa]

Are you a part of the “Out of the Fog” forums? If not, I recommend that.

Basically, your priest’s advice is spot on. And remember when people tell you to “honor your mother and father” that that does not equate to being a victim/continuing to be a victim.

Therapy ASAP is a good idea, particularly with someone who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

 

[TOBaddict]

Yes, moving out will help a lot. Is this practical?

Yes, it’s practical. I’m just not sure how to tell them I’d rather live on a friend’s couch and work a minimum wage job, rather than move home and have them “take care of me.” They’ve also been super nice the past few weeks and giving me independence, but I’m pretty sure this is just an illusion and it’ll be back to old times if I moved home. 20 years of behavior doesn’t change overnight…I honestly want to disappear and have no contact with them. This sounds extreme, but in terms of health and their ideals, it seems appropriate. Only lately have I realized how I’ve taken on their opinions of the world that are simply not true and causing psychological problems.

I have an appointment scheduled with a therapist. He will be my 4th therapist, so hopefully he can help.

 

[TOBaddict]

Are you a part of the “Out of the Fog” forums? If not, I recommend that.

Basically, your priest’s advice is spot on. And remember when people tell you to “honor your mother and father” that that does not equate to being a victim/continuing to be a victim.

Therapy ASAP is a good idea, particularly with someone who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

This is my struggle. How can you have a good relationship with someone who is constantly doing this but pretends like everything is fine and dandy? They love ignoring their problems. I feel like telling them that I won’t have a relationship with them until they own up to their wrongs. I don’t even need an apology, I just want it acknowledge that they do/did in fact do these things and recognize how it has affected me. I pray every day for God to remove this anger and help me forgive them, but it seems impossible when they tell me it’s all in my head, or that I deserve it.

I will check out the forum. Thank you for the suggestion.

 

[guanophore]

Yes, it’s practical. I’m just not sure how to tell them I’d rather live on a friend’s couch and work a minimum wage job, rather than move home and have them “take care of me.” They’ve also been super nice the past few weeks and giving me independence, but I’m pretty sure this is just an illusion and it’ll be back to old times if I moved home. 20 years of behavior doesn’t change overnight…I honestly want to disappear and have no contact with them. This sounds extreme, but in terms of health and their ideals, it seems appropriate. Only lately have I realized how I’ve taken on their opinions of the world that are simply not true and causing psychological problems.

I have an appointment scheduled with a therapist. He will be my 4th therapist, so hopefully he can help.

Can you say you are thinking about living in the dorms to get a fuller experience of college life? That you are wanting to try out what it would be like to live without the safety net they provide?

Seems like a lot of therapists…bad luck?

This is my struggle. How can you have a good relationship with someone who is constantly doing this but pretends like everything is fine and dandy? They love ignoring their problems.

it can be done, but it takes a lot of detachment and therapy, and it is much easier after you get out and establish your own boundaries and limits. Then you can come back as an adult, rather than as a child to parent. Some parents like this cannot make the transition, and never learn to treat their grown children as adults.

In the meantime you have a good relationship with them by praying for them every day.

I feel like telling them that I won't have a relationship with them until they own up to their wrongs. I don't even need an apology, I just want it acknowledge that they do/did in fact do these things and recognize how it has affected me.

This is not realistic. You are asking them to change to meet your needs. They can’t even change to meet their own needs!

You want them to validate you, and it is a healthy desire, but it is beyond their abilities.

I pray every day for God to remove this anger and help me forgive them, but it seems impossible when they tell me it’s all in my head, or that I deserve it.

Your anger is a healthy response to being invalidated and discounted. It is healthy to get angry when abuse happens. They abuse each other, blame you, and this has caused you a lot of harm. Anger at injustice is appropriate.

Forgiving them does not mean you approve of their behavior, that you feel ok, or that you should allow it to continue. Forgiveness just means you are not going to hang onto resentment because it is toxic for you.

 

[TOBaddict]

Can you say you are thinking about living in the dorms to get a fuller experience of college life? That you are wanting to try out what it would be like to live without the safety net they provide?

Seems like a lot of therapists…bad luck?

I don’t know if I said it in my OP, but I am graduating. I lived on campus, but now they expect me to move home.

Hoping it’s just bad luck and not me. 1 was new age, 2 I liked but she couldn’t help because my mother kept intruding, and 3 didn’t think there was anything wrong with my parents treating me like this even though I went to her in tears because I was scared to go home

 

[Rose71]

You sound very like a young person I know. He lives his life in a state of constant anxiety, because his father is utterly absorbed in his own interests and his mother has real problems dealing with people and can say some utterly cruel things.

Your post has brought me hope that he can still grow into a thoughtful and rational young man and get through further education, because right now, he’s in a pretty bad place It’s fascinating what you say about the two types of personality disorders being attractive to one another, because that model works in this scenario too.

My advice is that as an adult, you don’t owe your parents your company. They have raised you and provided for you and now you need to kindly, but firmly, thank them for their (name removed by moderator)ut but point out that it is time you struck out on your own. You can still ‘honour’ them by making a success of your life; by being a good friend and work colleague and by demonstrating that they have, despite their disorders, raised a wonderful son. Regular visits and the odd family day out are all you need. It will take them a bit of getting used to, but in the long term, I am sure it will strengthen you relationship as it will help them see that you are an adult and your own man.