Parish Quandary

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We (my husband and I) were members of our nearby parish (8 min. from home) for seven years. There were some negative experiences with not being treated well by fellow parishioners, and when we found out we were actually living in the boundaries of another parish even though it’s 15 minutes away, we registered at this other, more distant parish, and now we aren’t attending regularly there.

It’s so small, they only have one Sunday Mass every weekend. It just seems like a very cliquish parish that isn’t growing. Partly because of my husband’s job, we have stopped going to Mass there. The other reason is, I haven’t felt comfortable there. In my attempt to get involved, I volunteered to teach religious education on one of the only days off my husband has each week. I thought I could handle it, but I was unhappy to be electively giving up time to spend with him, when we get so little time together already. It was really a mistake on my part to volunteer to serve on that day, and when I resigned, I felt awful about it. I feel like I ruined my reputation.

It seems like we should just re-register at our old parish, or stay at the one we are not attending, but I’m not happy about either option. What would you do?
 
You can go to Mass at any parish you want but for sacramental purposes (baptism, marriage for example), you usually have to go through your territorial parish. No parish will be perfect in terms of what you want. In some parishes you have to make more of an effort to be part of the social group. If you have gone to a specific church for years, wouldn’t you naturally just sit and talk with people you knew? Well, so do other people. It sounds like you will just have to choose which ever one overall works best for you in terms of going to Mass. The Mass is the most important reason for going to a church; the social life is secondary.
 
tee’s law:
You will never become comfortable nor feel like part of the in crowd by not attending functions.
:twocents: From the husband of a bride who has a history of perceiving cliquishness and feeling like an outsider, so she stops going places. :twocents:

tee
 
I feel your pain. I guess my family lives in a really Catholic part of the country, because we have nine Catholic churches within about a mile and a half of us. We sort of “shopped around” and currently attend one that’s not the closest to us, but is about five minutes away. The parish was cold but we loved the priest. Now he’s gone, and we feel stuck.

I guess if I were in your shoes, I would stay. Why bother transferring if you’re still going to be unhappy? Maybe another family will move in and you can make friends, or maybe they will thaw a bit once they get to know you. It’s really a shame, but there’s no point in leaving unless there’s a church you know will make you happy.
 
Sunbreak said:
You can go to Mass at any parish you want but for sacramental purposes (baptism, marriage for example), you usually have to go through your territorial parish. No parish will be perfect in terms of what you want. In some parishes you have to make more of an effort to be part of the social group. If you have gone to a specific church for years, wouldn’t you naturally just sit and talk with people you knew? Well, so do other people. It sounds like you will just have to choose which ever one overall works best for you in terms of going to Mass. The Mass is the most important reason for going to a church; the social life is secondary.
Click to expand...
Right. The thing is, today, it’s often hard to know where one’s “territorial parish” is, especially if one lives nearly equidistant from two or more parishes. Because of this, today most parishes just go by if you’re “officially registered” there when it comes to sacraments. Being “officially registered” at a parish means that you wish to make that parish “home”, whether or not it’s your “territorial parish”. And so, it’s important to be involved in the parish you’re “at home” in.
 
Whatever you decide you Need to attent Mass. So wherever it is easier to be able to go that’s number one. It is strange how easily we can percieve things that aren’t true… but let’s just say people aren’t as welcoming of you…I would love them anyway and make them a focus of loving prayer. Perhaps that is exactly what He desires…your loving witness to others! I do know the feeling of “rejection” so I understand how hard this is but I also know of HIS remarkable work of love in the hearts and lives of many around me. Take the HIGH road and remember it is Our Lord who will enable you to love!
My prayers for you,
mlz
 
Parishes are what you make of it for the most part. There are plenty of ministries that couple can do. Sign up to be EMHC’s. Sign up to take the Eucharist to the homebound and go together. Be case workers for St. Vincent de Paul together. Count money together. The hubs and I do a lot together fro the church. But when he can’t make it, I don’t feel bad. I do my own thing. And he’s never feeling like I’m neglecting him.
But the bottom line is, we go for Eucharist.
We go to hear the Word.
We meet Christ at the table.
Focus on these, and see if things don’t work out really well. I have a beautiful parish family. But if I didn’t it wouldn’t hold me back one iota. It’s not about me and my feelings. 🤷
 
Being involved in parish life takes time - even as you recently experienced with teaching RE in your new parish.

That time is not necessarily time we want to spend in the parish, but we do it because it’s part of our duty. I personally don’t want to spend some of my weekends setting up the church for special services, but I do it anyway.

However, if you have made a good effort to contribute and it has been rejected, or you’ve been subject to unreasonable difficulties (eg. “cliquishness”), then that, to me, is a perfectly good reason to limit your parish commitment to just attending Mass, and thus freeing up your time for other things.

There’s a fine line between persevering in adversity and quite reasonably withdrawing one’s services, but we can make such a decision in good conscience.

I am actually close to making such a decision for myself, with my own parish involvement. For years I have been there doing the work, but I have never been able to get a respectful hearing for any of my suggestions. If this continues much longer then I will just stop doing the work, and gladly have some of my free time back. While continuing to attend Mass, of course.

It’s a bit sad not having friends within one’s parish, but there’s always other people to be friends with, and other things to do.
And before anyone suggests that I look at myself and ask why I don’t get a hearing for my suggestions, I will point out two things. Firstly, my parish committees have a long list of ex members who quit after very short attendance, for similar reasons, ie. that the decisions are dominated by a small number of bossy people who don’t listen. I have persevered longer than most. Secondly, after one meeting someone came up to me and told me that they were astonished at how rudely my suggestion in the meeting had been treated. I hadn’t even noticed - it was just “normal” as far as I was concerned.
 
The only way to penetrate or bust up parish cliques is to be the best at what you do.

You don’t have to slink away.
Get involved and be indispensable if that’s what floats your boat.

Part of the reason that cliques thrive is because people give up.
Anyone has as much right to participate as another person. We had a Sacristan that simply wouldn’t allow people to help launder purificators, set up, iron vestments, steam runners, etc. We had to sit her down and tell her it wasn’t HER ministry. She said “but I don’t like the way they do it…they don’t do it to my satisfaction”. My priest said "I don’t care if they goof everything up and YOU have to do it over. You are to be welcoming or you can step aside. Teach them, if it’s that much of a problem. but you have to make contact, be open to them, and get to know them for them to accept your guidance.

She didn’t like it, but it’s true.
People come and go. It doesn’t behoove a parish to have a core group of 4 people who do everything.

Be excellent at what you decide to volunteer for.
 
Sadly these things happen but again, we must do our part by praying and serving others for His glory- easier said than done, but true.
Mlz
 
pianistclare said:
Parishes are what you make of it for the most part. There are plenty of ministries that couple can do. Sign up to be EMHC’s. Sign up to take the Eucharist to the homebound and go together. Be case workers for St. Vincent de Paul together. Count money together. The hubs and I do a lot together fro the church. But when he can’t make it, I don’t feel bad. I do my own thing. And he’s never feeling like I’m neglecting him.
But the bottom line is, we go for Eucharist.
We go to hear the Word.
We meet Christ at the table.
Focus on these, and see if things don’t work out really well. I have a beautiful parish family. But if I didn’t it wouldn’t hold me back one iota. It’s not about me and my feelings. 🤷
Click to expand...
This here…do this!👍
 
All makes me realise why I do not attach to any one parish here in Ireland. Easy to get sidetracked.
 
My father was a parish-switcher. Quick to find fault at his current parish, he would switch. My mother went along for the first switch or two, but eventually she stayed on with the parish down the street because it was convenient I suppose.

Anyway my take-a-way from his experience was to resist the impulse to switch when things don’t go my way. My parish has for several years been plagued with indecisiveness and it is frustrating. But the Catholic way of life, at least as I see it, involves submission to a hierarchical system. If the priest wants my (name removed by moderator)ut, he’ll ask. He may not follow it. I try to offer up the rest.

I’m not meaning to minimize your difficulties at your old parish, but it is not possible to assemble a group of people of any significant size and not have personality clashes. I would leave it to the pastor to make the decisions when there is a conflict, and after that just forget it.
 
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