Patience and when to stand up for yourself

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Tina.Kamira

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I’m pretty new to the forum, but I have a question about when it’s better to have patience and when it’s better to stand up for yourself/others.

I searched the forum for other threads on this topic, and I found this quote by saint ambrose:

“So, then, you should also guard your humility. But if you are unwilling to appear too humble, you think like this, saying to yourself, “Am I supposed to let this man despise me, and say such things to my face against me, as though I could not open my mouth in front of him? Why should I not also say something to grieve him? Am I supposed to let him do me wrong, as though I were not a man, and as though I could not avenge myself? Is he to bring charges against me as though I could not bring together worse ones against him?” Whoever speaks like this is not gentle and humble, nor is he without temptation. The tempter stirs him up, and himself puts such thoughts in his heart. Quite often, too, the evil spirit employs another person, and gets him to say such things to him; but you should set your foot firm on the rock. Even if a slave is abusing him, let the just man be silent, and if a weak man speaks insults, let him be silent, and if a poor man should make accusations, let him not answer. These are the weapons of the just man, so that he may conquer by giving way, as those skilled in throwing the javelin win by giving way, and in flight wound their pursuers with harder blows.”

it’s possible I may be misunderstanding it, but it seems like he’s saying that we should put up with any kind of abuse and never stand up for ourselves, and I don’t think I agree with that. when I was in grade school I was bullied horribly, and I wish that I had done more to stand up for myself. not necessarily in a “fight back/insult the bully back” way, but I’m talking more about pulling the person aside and telling them that what they’re doing is hurting me and asking them to please stop.

is that so wrong?
 
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I think we can reply, with polite words and tones, when we are calmed by negative emotions.

But I must also tell you that in my experience responding to attacks sometimes solves problems, but many other times it complicates them terribly.

Let’s take a concrete example:

A priest does not understand what we have written and says that we are one step away from the abyss.
We know it is not true and we decide to answer him and explain the thing well.
He completely ignores us: now, in an hour, in a day, in a month.

Here, the question is: considering the character of each, are we ready to suffer the humiliation of silence or other ill-treatment? Because sometimes if we reply to offenses we dig our pit.

But it is not sure that this is always the case, and anyway we have the right to reply politely.

Sant’Ambrogio perhaps had to speak hard for my fellow citizens, who can’t keep quiet for five minutes 🙂
 
It might depend, but if you’re in a situation where you’re being abused, you have every right to get out of that situation–without any excuse, reason, argument, or debate.

If it were a situation where you’re a minor still and under your parents’ authority or in school, that might be different. But if full grown adult, you have that right to walk away without explanation.

For how you feel about it, or thinking telling them is righteous, you may actually do more damage than good (people tend to cling to their sinfulness, and guard it fiercely from attack). Many times in my life I felt the need to tell people where their faults lie, and I never saw my own (this isn’t a reflection on you, just that I know I have faults and I was incredibly wrong for what I did). Years later, they would thank me, and I felt shame for I knew I was more wrong for trying to correct errors I perceived in them. I’d apologize for what I wrote, how could I have done such a judgmental thing? It might’ve felt really good in the moment to share how a person can fix themselves and thus fix their lives (how foolish am I to think a letter could fix a person’s entire life), but without good reason, I can only think in one case where it did even the tiniest bit of good, as the person needed therapy, sought therapy, was able to get disability, and work on their mental health. But even then, the rest of the letter was unhelpful and unnecessary… see, correcting their behavior didn’t help me feel better in the long run.

With bullies, the interesting thing is how little it matters to tell them. Instead, being exceedingly kind to them in every manner possible. Where now, you have these scars, you can patch things up for yourself by forgiving them. The best way (that I’ve found) to forgive a person is to pray for their salvation. I have people that have wronged me in very horrible and unthinkable ways, and I pray for them every day. The worst person to offend me gets a long prayer, and it’s the same prayer I say for one of my loved ones…in fact, it’s meant for loved ones, and isn’t that so much better to offer prayers for loved ones to those we see as having trespassed us? (I’ll post the prayer in next reply)

This has been very healing for me, and I truly couldn’t desire for anyone to burn. Sometimes prayer is stronger than speaking to a person. Saying the Rosary can help with conversions of those closest to you, but you can also dedicate the Rosary to benefit someone’s conversion and contrition. Our Lady can work to heal your heart while also healing the person that injured you.

When presented with bullying behavior, always allow yourself the humility, and see it as if they get a laugh off you, it’s better that they are laughing than to not laugh at all. If they injure you, only offer up kindness, but you have the ability (and the right) to walk away. As it appears this is something in the past, the best thing you can do now is work on healing yourself, and with that, isn’t it all the better to pray for their Salvation as well? This is charity, and it benefits all involved.
 
Prayer for Conversion of Loved One:
> O divine and adorable Savior, thou who art the way, the truth, and the life, I beseech thee to have mercy upon N., and bring him [or her] to the knowledge and love of thy truth. Thou, O Lord, knowest all his darkness, his weakness, and his doubts: have pity upon him, O merciful Savior; let the bright beams of thy eternal truth shine upon his mind; clear away the cloud of error and prejudice from before his eyes, and may he humbly submit to and embrace with his whole heart the teaching of thy Church. Oh, let not the soul for whom I pray be shut out from thy blessed fold! Unite him to thyself in the sacraments of thy love, and grant that, partaking of the blessings of thy grace in this life, he may come at last to the possession of those eternal rewards which thou hast promised to all those who believe in thee and who do thy will. Hear this my petition, O merciful Jesus, who, with the Father and the Holy Spirit, livest and reignest ever and ever. Amen.
 
Sometimes, responding to abuse with kindness shames the abuser. It’s not the response they’re expecting, and it can throw them off guard. They’re being mean, and this person they’re mean to is being kind. It won’t shame all bullies and abusers, but with some, it might help open up a dialogue that could turn into a friendship, once there is understanding.
 
so your advice would be to try to resolve the conflict, but peacefully and with compassion?
 
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