Paying other's way

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MaryLynne

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I have a sister who insists that it is my ‘Godly’ duty to pay her money every month because she has a harder life than I do, and because my husband and I have more, we owe her, since she lives with less. It’s gotten into lengthy conversations about what I think God’s will is for ME, and I have now withdrawn from having any communication with her, as she continually tells me that I need ‘counseling’ in order to be ABLE to have any sort of ‘loving relationship’ with her. HELP…
 
I think it is your sister who needs the counseling. Really, she has no more right to your worldly goods than anyone else. If you choose to help her and her family that’s one thing but to try to guilt you into it is the sign of someone who has a serious attitude problem about what she needs and what she thinks she needs and envying those who have more. If she is Catholic, she needs to talk to her priest about this.
 
She sounds very manipulative. I don’t think you “owe” her anything, but love. If you WANT to give money, then she should be thankful, but not demanding of it.
 
Send her a post card. On the back print the 10th Commandment. Edit it to read "thy sister’s where it says “thy neighbor’s” Sign it “Love, God.”
 
you might want to look up that verse from St Paul that is used on Monday LOTH that says those that don’t work, don’t get to eat. 2Thessalonians 3:10ff
 
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Della:
I think it is your sister who needs the counseling. Really, she has no more right to your worldly goods than anyone else. If you choose to help her and her family that’s one thing but to try to guilt you into it is the sign of someone who has a serious attitude problem about what she needs and what she thinks she needs and envying those who have more. If she is Catholic, she needs to talk to her priest about this.
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thank you for your reply … I agree completely with you, and she does have major issues. She’s divorced twice, doesn’t work, sued her ex for a lot, and walked away with nothing. She is NOT Catholic, and I pray for her much, as she is very lost. She actually told me that I needed counseling from MY priest … I wrote him a long letter, and have a meeting schedule with him in the next couple of weeks.
 
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momof3boys:
She sounds very manipulative. I don’t think you “owe” her anything, but love. If you WANT to give money, then she should be thankful, but not demanding of it.
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we treat her for things often … we flew her daughter out here 2 years in a row, as we love her daughter, and she can visit with her cousins. I GAVE her $1000 a couple of years ago, and send her stuff all the time (mostly books … Catholic Books). She loves to read. We treat her WHEN we are with her (we live on opposite sides of the country) for going out to dinner, and stuff like that. BUT, we do NOT give her money … mainly because if we started just giving a monthly amount, how MUCH would be enough for someone who WANTS to live a comfortable, material life BUT who refuses to get a job. My parents STILL give her money, bought her a car, furniture, and treat the kids for their clothes, et al … btw, my sister is 46 years old.
 
Island Oak:
Send her a post card. On the back print the 10th Commandment. Edit it to read "thy sister’s where it says “thy neighbor’s” Sign it “Love, God.”
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ah, someone with a sense of humor. LOVE your idea! I’ll have to ponder it. She’s not speaking to me now, and I’m really not too anxious to speak with her either … but your idea is fab! 😃
 
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puzzleannie:
you might want to look up that verse from St Paul that is used on Monday LOTH that says those that don’t work, don’t get to eat. 2Thessalonians 3:10ff
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yes, she is a big ‘bible quoter’ toward me … I have already sent that one back to her, BUT I don’t think she really gets it … she needs prayers for sure. Thanks for the advice!

p.s. she actually quoted these verses to ME in telling me that it is God’s COMMAND to help others such as her:

If any one does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his own family, he has disowned the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Tim 5:8 … she failed to read it though in context … 3 Honor widows who are real widows. 4 If a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn their religious duty to their own family and make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God. 5 She who is a real widow, and is left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day; 6 whereas she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives. 7 Command this, so that they may be without reproach. 1 Tim 5:3-7 … I cannot figure out WHY she can’t remember that she is NOT a widow, but DIVORCED, and twice no doubt.

She also has quoted this one to me: 27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. James1:27

Again, I’ve reminded her that she is NOT a widow … it’s not pretty … it kills me to have a sister who is like this, but perhaps this is my cross to bear, and I pray that I will be able to handle it with grace.
 
Jesus had someone come to him with an attitude very similar to your sister’s, except that the person who came to Jesus was in dispute with his brother over how their inheritance was to be split. Jesus refused to help him. (Luke 12:13-15)

You may well need counselling from your priest, but not because you refuse to support her. If your pastor doesn’t think he’s the person to talk to your sister, ask him for a likely candidate. Then the next time she suggests you go see a priest about this, tell her that perhaps she should come along. Many priests know priests they admire on both coasts and around the country, especially if they belong to a religious order.

BTW, if you see that you sacrifice too little of your blessings for the good of others less fortunate, consider that there are many who are more likely to profit from your donations of time, money, and talents than your sister is.
 
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BLB_Oregon:
Jesus had someone come to him with an attitude very similar to your sister’s, except that the person who came to Jesus was in dispute with his brother over how their inheritance was to be split. Jesus refused to help him. (Luke 12:13-15)
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thank you for this reference … I will look it up and pray over it.
You may well need counselling from your priest, but not because you refuse to support her. If your pastor doesn’t think he’s the person to talk to your sister, ask him for a likely candidate. Then the next time she suggests you go see a priest about this, tell her that perhaps she should come along. Many priests know priests they admire on both coasts and around the country, especially if they belong to a religious order.
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I will do that when I speak to my priest regarding this situation …
BTW, if you see that you sacrifice too little of your blessings for the good of others less fortunate, consider that there are many who are more likely to profit from your donations of time, money, and talents than your sister is.
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thank you for your insight ~ I too agree with everything that you are saying … giving to those in REAL need is our idea of sharing our blessings with those who have not, and I am thankful that our hearts are generous and our donating reflects what’s in our hearts … through Catholic Worker, Catholic Charities, our parish, the homeless in our community, and now especially the Katrina Victims. My sister even questions my motives for giving, and questions whether I ‘tithe’ or not, YET she does not go to any church or is a member anywhere … she’s be shocked to know how much we do give just to our parish every Sunday…it would probably make her boil ~ for if we can give THAT to our CHURCH, then WHY can’t we give HER any of that? :crying:
 
My sister-in-law tried this one, but not on her brother- on me. Her logic (convoluted of course): If I had not married her brother, she and her children would have been his beneficiaries should he have died. Therefore, because I had “stolen” her insurance money and other benefits of my husband’s employment, we were obligated to get her various physical objects (a computer so she didn’t have to use the one at the junior college or library, her daughter’s graduation dress from middle school, money for an alleged business, money for illegal usage, etc.) or give her money. As I am the one who issues the family finances, she claimed I could just more or less write her a check every so often.

Not only does this wish her brother, my husband, dead, it expects collection prior to his demise. Because she was into the “godess” movement, or because she had not thought of it, I am sure she would have quoted scripture to try to guilt me into it. I’m not budging. She doesn’t get to wish my sweetheart dead and collect the payment before he goes.

We did try to help her kids, when she had custody of them. We made sure this was done in such a way that the s-i-l could not possibly benefit form it.
 
wow, isn’t it just rotten how our own families can treat us? I think that is so sad - talking about money you want from someone when they die. I can’t imagine how that makes your husband feel. :mad:
 
So because you and your husband work hard, your sister thinks you should share the pot??? I’m all for helping your fellow man (especially family) but not when they take advantage of you. This is so wrong and don’t allow her manipulate you. She is manipulating you by using your Love of God to her advantage.
 
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momof3boys:
wow, isn’t it just rotten how our own families can treat us? I think that is so sad - talking about money you want from someone when they die. I can’t imagine how that makes your husband feel. :mad:
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my sister has done this much in the past … she has spoken of her ‘inheritance’ … makes me sick.
 
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kaymart:
So because you and your husband work hard, your sister thinks you should share the pot??? I’m all for helping your fellow man (especially family) but not when they take advantage of you. This is so wrong and don’t allow her manipulate you. She is manipulating you by using your Love of God to her advantage.
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yes, I agree … thank you for reinforcing my own thoughts, as it makes it easier to stomach what I feel already. You have ALL been so helpful. I cannot thank you enough.
 
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OutinChgoburbs:
We did try to help her kids, when she had custody of them. We made sure this was done in such a way that the s-i-l could not possibly benefit form it.I have done this as well, but in the future, I will make sure that we do things that we feel like doing for her children … they are not to blame for their mother … and will make sure that they will be the full beneficiaries of whatever we chose to do. Thanks again for your comments. 🙂
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mommyaprilj:
Tell her she has a choice
  1. Get a Job
  2. STARVE
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one thing’s for sure … she won’t starve. My mom is southern, and cooks up a storm, so she frequently ‘goes home’ for the weekend, causes havoc in their lives, BUT she EATS! And as far as getting a job…that’s what we’ve been wondering, and asking her for years. Perhaps one-day I’ll guide her to this forum to read these … all from people who don’t know either of us … oh, she keeps telling me that people tell me what I want to hear in order for them NOT to hurt my feelings. Amazing how internet friends really don’t hold back…we speak what is truly in our hearts about a situation, and you’re not ‘holding back’ so you won’t hurt my feelings (you don’t even know me)…again, I appreciate everyone’s honesty. Pray for her!
 
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