Pending Divorce (really long)

[bookreader]

Just about two years ago my husband of 40 years walked out on me, telling me that for the entirety of our marriage we had been disfunctionally non-communicative (not sure how or why he believed that to be the case). In all that time we have neither spoken nor seen each other and I have been lving alone in our house and trying to figure out just what to do next. In the beginning of this separation he continued to pay most of our bills but over time he has gradually transferred responsibility for many of these to me. My income is about 1/3 of his so this has been a real struggle for me… For four months last year I was without a job, having been laid off and trying to survive on unemployment. Although he was aware of my status, he made no allowance for my reduced income and still expected me to pay my way. I have since become re-employed but it is still hard to keep up the expenses of the house as well as support myself. Late last year he communicated to me that he was going to cede over responsibility for the rest of the household obligations since he was no longer deriving any benefit from the home. I had tried repeatedly to get him to back down and to try and work with me to find some sort of mutually agreeable solution but to no avail.

At that point I contacted an attorney to see what options I had. He advised me that in order to compel my husband to contribute to the household obligations I had little recourse but to file for divorce and let the courts work out an agreement. As a life-long Catholic this went against everything I had believed my entire life but at the risk of my future financial solvency, I felt I had no choice. I had hoped that it would be a wake-up call that might shock him into starting to talk to me to see if we could find a solution. I told him (through attorneys) that if he would go to counseling with me I would withdraw the petition - he responded that I had to withdraw first before he would even consider it. Then I suggested that we could employ a mediator to craft a “post-nup” that would give me some sense of financial security and then I would withdraw the petition but he ignored the suggestion and continued telling me that it was “my suit” that was standing in the way of any progress.

I have done everything I know how to do to bring us to a reconcilliation but to no avail. My husband protests that he doesn’t want to be divorced from me but at this point I can only surmise that it is more for economic reasons than anything else. I don’t know what else I can do since he continues to refuse counseling and will neither talk to me nor even see me. I should also mention that he has been estranged from our daughter for this entire time as well and she wants nothing more to do with him - ever again.

Fortunately I am still working but I am fast approaching a time when I would have wanted to retire but now that is impossible. Whatever happens now will determine my financial future and I am so afraid of not having enough to live on for a lengthy retirement. I should also mention that my husband is also a Catholic although his behavior would suggest otherwise. More than a few people have suggested that he is mentally unbalanced - a real nut-job is the less polite term used. I still love my husband and don’t want to spend the last part of my life without him but I also can’t allow him to reduce me to poverty and then abandon me.

What am I to do to reconcile my religion with my situation?

 

[kage_ar]

Are there children involved?

 

[dulcissima]

Going through with a civil divorce to protect your financial interests is not a sin. Your husband is the one who abandoned you, and he now uses your faith as a financial weapon against you. The truth is that even when the civil marriage ends, the sacramental bond still exists. A civil divorce does not end the marriage. Follow through with your divorce and hold your husband accountable. I am sure your lawyer has given you good advice. Have you talked to your priest at all?

 

[bookreader]

Our only child, a daughter, is very much an adult so that is not an issue except that it makes me incredibly sad that she has basically written off her father and wants nothing more to do with him. I can’t say that I blame her given that he has ignored her for almost two years. When he showed up at her front door recently (she had moved and not told him) she refused to let him in and pointedly refused to give him her new phone number. He also has cut himself off from his only sibling, a brother, along with his brother’s family members, as well as my sister. So in essence, he has no family contact at all and it is all due to his own actions and choices.

 

[puzzleannie]

What am I to do to reconcile my religion with my situation?

you follow your attorney’s advice, probably late in the day to secure a lot of your rights and assets but better late than never. The Church allows divorce if it is the only way to secure the rights of the spouse and children in a marriage that has unilaterally broken down (one party has up and left). See your pastor during this time for counselling, which had you done this early, could have eased you conscience and he can also help you find a good Catholic counsellor if that would help you. No divorce does not end a valid marriage, but it will help you settle all those issues you need to address on the financial side.

 

[letterstopriest]

Protect your credit. Cancel all credit card in both names. stop any line of credit you have against the house, require both signatures if you don’t want to cancel it. Get a court order to not allow withdrawals against retirement funds. You Need to take care of yourself and your financial security. You can do it. One day at a time. Talk to a great Priest. the one whose door I knocked on had been a stock broker, great fit, great help.
Sounds like you have a job, congratulations. Take care of yourself, and crawl your way back to happiness if you have to.
Anne

 

[joandarc2008]

This is what the CCC Says:

2383 The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.177

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense.
2384 Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery:

If a husband, separated from his wife, approaches another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery, and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another’s husband to herself.178
2385 Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.

2386 It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law. There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.179

I would think that the benefit of your husband’s financial support that you have relied on for the last 40 years while you beared his children, etc would be something worth civilly divorcing for as long as you do not go on with another relationship.

 

[Musician]

You should follow your attorney’s advice. You can’t allow yourself to be impoverished because of a man who will not live up to his duties as a husband.
This isn’t your fault, it is your husband’s. Protect yourself legally. Any priest would tell you the same.

 

[lizaanne]

Please also understand that you are still able to receive Holy Communion, even in a divorced state, as long as you remain in a state of grace (have made a good confession) and are not in a sexual relationship with anyone (just had to say it, I don’t believe you intend this at all).

So many people think that JUST because you are divorced that you are excommunicated from the Church - this is not true. It is how you conduct yourself AFTER the divorce that determines your status with the Church. If you are only divorced and remain chaste, you are still a Catholic in good standing.

Now - that said - should you wish to pursue a relationship with another man down the road, you need to understand very clearly that you are STILL married to your husband. You are not free to date or marry. You would need to pursue a Declaration of Nullity FIRST. But I don’t think you are even close to even thinking about that. Just making the big picture clear for you for what lies ahead.

God bless you - I think you are doing the right (albeit very hard) thing.

~Liza

 

[choose_to_love]

Is there any reason you cannot just file for spousal support, without the divorce complaint? In my state you could, and have the mortgage payment possibly included in as part of the support payment. Ask your attorney.

 

[bookreader]

I don’t know if I could have filed for spousal support alone instead of filing for divorce. The other element is that I wanted the “clock to stop” on his being able to in any way manipulate our common assets. During the months (23 of them) of our separation he was doing things with “his” money that I knew nothing about, including a personal loan of $20,000 to a friend. I was worried that unless he was legally enjoined from doing things like that, I would have no way to protect the community assets.

 

[Corinne3]

Dear OP:
I would do anything to get your marriage back on track. In the Bible there is a verse somewhere that says the more counsel, the better. You have been married 40 years, do not throw it all away now, no way. You need each other. Work for your marriage. You love each other.

Go get whatever free counseling is available. Go see your Priest, go to your nearest Calvary Chapel church also, the pastors there are most Biblical too, which is what I did. Seek God’s best. Do not divorce. Also check out your local Presbyterian Church. They have a Lay Counseling program usually and it is free of cost. They are trained counselors, this is we are doing and it has been such as help.!

KNOW, God wants your marriage to stay together. You can PM me if you want. I’m another oldie on here, married a long time and now going through a lot of s___, and infidelity too. I wish you luck, and will pray for you. PM me if you want.\Anytime at all. I am here. God Bless You and Your Family~

God Bless

 

[bookreader]

I hope no one here thinks for a moment that I want this divorce. I have done everything in my power to keep this marriage together. I have begged him to go to counseling with me but he has refused until he felt like we were communicating productively by email (the only way he would communicte with me). I went to counseling on my own until my therapist told me that unless or until my husband got involved that I was as well-adjusted and doing as well as anyone could under the circumstances. A former therapist that my husband saw himself early in this separation told me that my husband was seriously depressed and was refusing medication. I know he had a “break” of some sort but unless he acknowledges that and gets some help, he will be unable to climb out of this. He has isolated himself from former friends to avoid having to explain his behavior although he continues to go to work every day as though nothing had happened. (The attorney he hired to respond to the petition told my lawyer that he didn’t really like his client very much. He also said he has repeatedly urged him to get medical/psych help and to agree to go to counseling with me but to no avail.) I just can’t force him to work with me on this marriage and don’t know what else to do. I am also afraid that the trust is gone, maybe forever and I could never be sure he wouldn’t walk out again. I don’t know what more I can do unilaterally. Early on I went to my priest but he wasn’t much help - just urged me to pray and be patient…

 

[proudnifi]

I hope no one here thinks for a moment that I want this divorce. I have done everything in my power to keep this marriage together.

I don’t think you want a divorce. And I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I agree with the posters who wrote you have every right to protect yourself. File for civil divorce. You can continue to pray for your husband and if he comes back a changed man, you can civilly re-marry. This must be very difficult. But you can’t make your husband do anything; his actions are on him.

 

[lizaanne]

I hope no one here thinks for a moment that I want this divorce.

Don’t worry - it was quite obvious from your first post that you have tried for nearly two years and clearly do not want this to happen. YOU are not doing anything wrong. Don’t let anyone make you feel that you are.

~Liza

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Of course he doesn’t want a divorce. He has it both ways. He has all his money and he doesn’t have to take care of you or your needs but the option is open for him if he chooses his mind to come back and pull the marriage card if something happens to him and then you have to take care of him. He has it both ways and it’s all on his terms. You have been more than patient. He abandoned you two years ago. You have the right to take him to court, get spousal support and your half (at LEAST!) of the marital assets, the title to the house so you can sell it and move to a less expensive place.

You need to look out for yourself because he’s not looking out for you. You may love him, but his actions don’t show reciprocation. If you had died, how many weeks or months would have gone by where he would have been blissfully unaware? All communication is on his terms. Are you SURE he’s not living with someone else? He may have a double life going on.

It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to sink it to the bottom of the ocean. Please protect yourself and guarantee your medical and financial resources. This is NOT the way a loving husband rewards 40 years of fidelity and love.

He’s really not in a position to dictate to you how you should feel or talk to him or approach him. After leaving you, when you asked for counselling, he attached strings to it that are unreasonable. You have no guarantees that he could refuse counselling anyway and then you’ve lost your legal advantage. If he wanted to come home, he would have done so by now.

I’m sorry. I know what it’s like to be abandoned. At least your daughter sees things clearly.

 

[joandarc2008]

Dear OP:
I would do anything to get your marriage back on track. In the Bible there is a verse somewhere that says the more counsel, the better. You have been married 40 years, do not throw it all away now, no way. You need each other. Work for your marriage. You love each other.

Go get whatever free counseling is available. Go see your Priest, go to your nearest Calvary Chapel church also, the pastors there are most Biblical too, which is what I did. Seek God’s best. Do not divorce. Also check out your local Presbyterian Church. They have a Lay Counseling program usually and it is free of cost. They are trained counselors, this is we are doing and it has been such as help.!

KNOW, God wants your marriage to stay together. You can PM me if you want. I’m another oldie on here, married a long time and now going through a lot of s___, and infidelity too. I wish you luck, and will pray for you. PM me if you want.\Anytime at all. I am here. God Bless You and Your Family~

God Bless

Kind of hard to do when she has already stated the husband is not speaking to her.

Also as an aside you should see about staying on his health insurance if you were before - a lot of States will require that as you were married so long.

 

[puzzleannie]

Is there any reason you cannot just file for spousal support, without the divorce complaint? In my state you could, and have the mortgage payment possibly included in as part of the support payment. Ask your attorney.

in most states it is not possible to protect assets, divide property and get support without a divorce, especially if one party has already abandoned the relationship and left the home. your advice and that of others is the best. see an attorney today, see a priest, see a counsellor for assistance in maintaining your own well being, self-esteem and getting on with your life. You also after so many years of marriage probably have rights to his pension & SS but you must get legal help to act to secure those rights.

 

[bookreader]

First of all, I already have a lawyer so that is taken care of. He is telling me that it is likely I will get about 60% of the community property and that includes his 401K and all his investments. Plus, because I paid off the majority of our house mortgage with non-comingled inheritance money, he will likely have to return all that money to me and then I will get 60% of the balance - so the house will be mine. In Texas, it is mandated that we go to mediation before the divorce can be granted so that is where all the nit-picky things will be hammered out. The consensus among just about everyone that knows him and knows of this situation is that he had some sort of psychic “break” and is not thinking rationally about all this. If he would get some professional help, medication and other guidance then perhaps he might see how distructive his actions have been, to him as well as to me. But he won’t even entertain the idea that there’s anything wrong. The little “devil” inside my head thinks how things might change if his company made him retire before he wanted to. Without a job he would have a very hard time trying to recoup his financial losses and have any kind of decent retirement. The same little devil tells me I should also go after the '67 Mustang that he drives since I am the one that bought that car when it was new. THAT would really break his heart…