Perpetual celibacy?

[Francis3]

I married at 24 in the Church. By age 30 my wife had divorced me and remarried outside the Church. That was 40 years ago. Is it correct to assume that my life is supposed to be devoid of any possibility of intimacy of a sexual nature? Against my will and intentions to procreate? I find it hard to accept that God is making such a demand of me, and I feel that situations such as mine simply do not fit neatly into moral theology textbooks

 

[Lou2U]

Have you gone through the annulment process?

Is it correct to assume that my life is supposed to be devoid of any possibility of intimacy of a sexual nature? Against my will and intentions to procreate?

According to Catholicism if you’re not married, there should be no sexual intimacy with anyone.

 

[Francis3]

Seems simplistic. My ex made that decision for me by her sin, did she not? I never agreed to a lifetime of celibacy as a layman. How can her sin obligate me to a lifetime of loneliness and incompletion? Where is the justice? I consider Catholicism to be more than a book of draconian and simplistic rules filled with inheirant injustice

 

[Francis3]

Sorry, Lou2U, I didn’t see your question about annulment above the quote. No, I have not persued an annulment but maybe it is the solution. My ex has said she would cooperate if I wanted it. It could probably be shown that the proper intentions did not exist at the time of the sacrament, at least on her part. That we got married in the Church mostly to please our parents and so on. The situation is bothering me now more than ever, for some reason. It feels like unfinished business, as my time left in this life grows short.

 

[1ke]

Is it correct to assume that my life is supposed to be devoid of any possibility of intimacy of a sexual nature?

Unless and until you are declared free to marry by the Church and get married, yes. You would be free to marry under two circumstances: your first marriage is declared null by the Church, your first spouse dies.

I am not sure why this is coming up now, 40 years later, because age 70 seems a bit late to be wanting to assert a right to procreate. Speak to your priest regarding a decree of nullity or if your spouse has died and you want to marry someone.

Your situation is not different from the spot many, many others have found themselves in over the years— abandoned by a spouse. The fact it happened 40 years ago complicates things if you want to pursue nullity, if you think you have grounds. It might have been better to do that when it happened.

 

[1ke]

My ex made that decision for me by her sin, did she not? I never agreed to a lifetime of celibacy as a layman. How can her sin obligate me to a lifetime of loneliness and incompletion? Where is the justice?

You committed to a lifetime of fidelity. You did that of your own free will. Your commitment and promise stands, whether she kept hers or not. Broken vows on her part don’t release you from the vows on your part. Marriage is the unreserved giving of self to another, in perpetuity.

Unless you can show she had a defect of consent or lacked proper intention at the time she made her vows and no marriage resulted, a declaration of nullity.

It is just that we fulfill a covenant promise we freely made. It is difficult when we have to do so despite the spouse we made a covenant with. That is why Jesus showed us what perfect fidelity looked like— because God doesn’t break his half of covenant even if man breaks his over and over again.

 

[Francis3]

We, neither of us, took it that seriously at the time. I spent my midlife away from the Church, and so it now seems important now that I have returned. And there is a possibility of a relationship, although needless to say, at this age procreation would not be possible, but not intentionally avoided. Thanks for your reply. I think annulment is possible due to defect of intention, and a lack of understanding at the time of the depth of commitment required.

 

[1ke]

I hope you will go talk to your pastor about this.
I wish you well!

 

[Start]

40 years ago and your complaining about it now?

 

[Convert3]

I divorced in 1993 and got an annulment two years ago. I had to answer a long questionnaire, find four witnesses that knew us back then to also answer questionnaires, and go to an interview at the Marriage Tribunal, which mostly cleared up any questions they had about me answers. It took me four months in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia, but I’ve heard it can take up to eighteen months in some places.
God Bless!

 

[Psalm30]

So you, a man of 70, who left the Church and her teachings, are upset that now that you come back you have to be chaste!? What little God asks of you in exchange for His sacrifice! Think, dear sir of the men your age helplessly watching their love succumb to age or disease. Unable to physically be with them while watching them hurt. And then tell me your libido and need to sow seed is somehow incapable of being quenched .

I think this is a little unfair. We all have our struggles. It’s natural to feel lonely and be sad about the fact that you may never get to experience the happiness of a romantic relationship. It’s commendable that he returned to the Church after being away from it. He’s having a hard time accepting one of the teachings. I know that I myself have struggled with at least one of the Church’s teachings at one point or another. I never stopped following them, but there was definitely a time when I couldn’t help questioning them.

I also don’t interpret anything he said as complaining that his libido and need to sow seed are not able to be quenched. This is hyperbolic and I don’t think it gives an accurate representation of what he is actually trying to convey. He’s struggling and came here for support. I offer him my prayers.

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

I don’t think it’s unfair. Obviously its coming from a place of hurt. What worries me is how we fail as Catholics to teach and Express what marriage is supposed to be. At 30 he didn’t know and now at 70 even coming into the fold he can’t comprehend what marriage is and feels it’s unfair that he can’t live his sexual urges because of his choices. Putting the blame on God and the Church for the quandary he is in. That embarrasses me as a Catholic that we can’t vocalize and teach what marriage and sex is. And it also offends me as a married Catholic that he posts this.

 

[Psalm30]

What worries me is how we fail as Catholics to teach and Express what marriage is supposed to be.

I think many posters on this thread did a very good job of teaching and expressing what marriage is supposed to be.

At 30 he didn’t know and now at 70 even coming into the fold he can’t comprehend what marriage is and feels it’s unfair that he can’t live his sexual urges because of his choices.

Which is why he came here for help, and he seems to be engaging and taking to heart what people have told him.

Putting the blame on God and the Church for the quandary he is in.

He’s being honest about his feelings. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Being honest with ourselves about our struggles and asking questions is the first step to finding answers and helping the situation. “Ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened.”

That embarrasses me as a Catholic that we can’t vocalize and teach what marriage and sex is.

Perhaps, then, you could post a thorough explanation about what marriage and sex is rather than reprimanding him for asking the question.

And it also offends me as a married Catholic that he posts this.

Questions such as his are likely why the forums were invented. If everyone had all the answers, there wouldn’t be much of a need for this platform.

 

[Lee1]

Perhaps you could remedy this situation by annulment and remarriage. All of which is easier said than done, and certainly takes time.

I personally believe that we are led to some extent along certain paths meant for our good, but I also think that we can interfere with what God intended along the way, sometimes causing us to experience great troubles. In theory it may have been better to seek annulment years ago while you were still young and remarry, only you know the real reasons why you didn’t pursue that course.

So since you didn’t mitigate this problem years ago I wonder why you might blame God now. If you believe that your years on earth are diminishing now should be the time when you seek reconciliation with God, make your peace with Him. I’d pray a heartfelt prayer asking Him for guidance. If you think it’s too late for remarriage then it’s time to seek peace of mind and closeness to God.

I pray you find peace, God bless.

 

[AdamP88]

I find it hard to accept that God is making such a demand of me, and I feel that situations such as mine simply do not fit neatly into moral theology textbooks

Well it’s reasonable to think that considering your situation, however there are many difficult situations in life that may not “fit neatly into moral theology textbooks”. That doesn’t mean that the moral theology is wrong or incomplete.
Sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage. That is the proper context for it. Nobody outside of the married state should be engaging in it because it is only a good within marriage. Sure…it may be a pleasurable activity, but it is more than that and carries a deeper meaning.
It may be very difficult to accept that this is the case, but God does require abstinence in this case.
It is easy to think that we constitute an exception to the rules, but generally we don’t.

The other aspect of this is the modern idea that sex is the highest good and if we’re not allowed to be in a sexual relationship we are being denied something. If you are married, and your spouse has abandoned you, your vocation is still to honour the vows of the marriage.
If my wife up and left me tomorrow for some reason, I would have no choice but to remain abstinent. I’m reasonably sure I wouldn’t qualify for an annulment and my marriage is valid. I can’t pretend otherwise and the fact is that my vocation to marriage still would stand. My duty would be to pray for my wife and remain chaste in the hope that someday the marriage would be renewed.

It may be difficult, but God gives the strength to do that.

 

[AdamP88]

Seems simplistic.

It’s easy to think that. In fairness though, you probably only say this because of the situation you are in. Others I know in similar situations have different attitudes.

I never agreed to a lifetime of celibacy as a layman.

That’s what you get by default though. If you don’t marry you can’t have sex to begin with.

How can her sin obligate me to a lifetime of loneliness and incompletion?

It doesn’t have to. Putting your trust in God is the way to be complete in this scenario.

Where is the justice?

Justice isn’t always served in this life.

I consider Catholicism to be more than a book of draconian and simplistic rules filled with inheirant injustice

Saying this is just an opt out. You can say this about anything. It is often said about abortion, gay relationships, and of course the Church’s rules about marriage. Unfortunately its not an argument and it simply shows that you would rather feel that the Church has wronged you or doesn’t understand you than actually follow her teachings in humility, as we sometimes are required to do. Sometimes, that is what the vocation of marriage demands.