Personal question - help!

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lenni

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Recently, my friend asked me a question that I did not know how to answer, so please help me out on this one: My friend told me that when she was under the age of reason she had sexual relations (she remembers very well what hap, but refuses to tell me anything more and she is sure that she did do something sexual) with a guy family friend of hers. (just for the record - she has remained chaste ever since and knows that pre-marital sex is wrong). This boy was just over the age of reason by either 1 or 2yrs. The 2 have since never talked about the situation and thats for about 15yrs. However, both remain close friends. The thing is - my friend wants to ask the boy whether he knew what he was doing, or if he confessed it or if it affected him in anyway. But my friend is way too scared to approach him on the matter. So i suggested that emailing the boy would be more of an ideal option. However, now she asks me - how to begin or what to tell him. What should I tell her to say because she is scared of getting awkward with the boy(and that - she doesnt want).

BTW - are these situations common among kids? I have only ever heard of this scenario from my friend.
anyways, it would be much appreciated if someone could reply!
  • Lenni
 
I would suggest that such things are fairly common amoung kids and that any approach is bound to be fairl awkward! 🙂
 
I suppose it would be important to know if they went all the way so to speak or if they were just a couple of kids playing doctor. What is her intent upon obtaining this information from him? Whatever happened didn’t prevent them from being friends this last 15 years. E-mail is not a good approach for something like this. What if he reads the message the wrong way? What is driving her desire to know how this might have impacted him or whether he went to confession? She might have some things going on that a counselor might be better equipped to help her with. As a friend, perhaps you might suggest she talk to someone first before confronting the boy.
 
StCsDavid said:
I suppose it would be important to know if they went all the way so to speak or if they were just a couple of kids playing doctor. What is her intent upon obtaining this information from him? Whatever happened didn’t prevent them from being friends this last 15 years. E-mail is not a good approach for something like this. What if he reads the message the wrong way? What is driving her desire to know how this might have impacted him or whether he went to confession? She might have some things going on that a counselor might be better equipped to help her with. As a friend, perhaps you might suggest she talk to someone first before confronting the boy.
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well…from what I remember - she kept telling me that she did go all the way but it was during a game of docter (she stopped elaborating at this point). However, I personally dont think it is possible for 7yr old kids to have intercourse. I have suggested to her to tell her spiritual advisor or priest but she doesnt feel prepared - and i have to respect that. I think her intention of asking the boy is because she doesnt feel at peace about the situation. But im still troubled with giving her advice on what she needs to tell the boy - if she does confront him in any which way.
 
This is a difficult situation, but I would venture to suggest that often, in cases like this, one or both of the children was sexually molested before the event, which is why this occurred. From what you’re describing, it sounds like the boy may have been a previous victim.
Situations like this can be common among children who have been abused. Moreover, just because your friend did this with another child does NOT mean that she, herself, was not a victim of abuse in the situation. It’s all pretty dependent on situation and circumstance.
 
if your friend is just mentioning this now, it may mean this even from her early childhood is causing her a lot of pain now, and there may be much more to the story. Neither you, nor anyone here, is competent to ascertain the real facts, she needs counselling, so her first step should be to tell her parents, so they can get her help to work through what really happened. That could be anything from normal childhood curiosity, in which case her mind will be put at ease, to full-blown child abuse, in which case more help will be needed. The very last thing to do is even contemplate talking to the other children involved. She should work on her own healing first.
 
well…she has been a childhood friend of mine. and from what I know and what she has told me - she has never been abused, raped or molested. The boy - i dont think has experienced any of the above either since both boy and girl come from very strong catholic families. i hope that helps in someway.
 
She should not say anything in an email that she does not want to be made know publicly.

This should be discussed with her Priest and or Spiritual Director, or her counselor. They will be able to give her the best advice.
 
lenni said:
well…she has been a childhood friend of mine. and from what I know and what she has told me - she has never been abused, raped or molested. The boy - i dont think has experienced any of the above either since both boy and girl come from very strong catholic families. i hope that helps in someway.
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HOwever, one can never know what goes on behind closed doors…(just saying, we really don’t know if he was abused or not).

((Are you sure this isn’t you we are talking about…the whole ‘my friend says…’ thing usually means it is really about the person talking…)
 
Lenni, ask your friend what her goal is.

Why is she bringing this up? Does she want something other than to talk about an incident that disturbed her from her childhood?
 
i think this sort of situation would be common because something similar but milder happened to one of my friends!
 
Catholic90 said:
HOwever, one can never know what goes on behind closed doors…(just saying, we really don’t know if he was abused or not).
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well… i didnt think his parents were the type to abuse… thats why i came to that conclusion…
 
lenni said:
well… i didnt think his parents were the type to abuse… thats why i came to that conclusion…
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If he was abused, that doesn’t mean that his parents were the perpetrators. It could have been an uncle, family friend, or (as much as I hate to say it) a priest. Maybe his parents never even knew about it. Children of strong Catholic families can be sexually abused as well. There was obviously something inappropriate going on in his life (whether it was sexual abuse or not) that gave him the idea to have sex with a little girl. When I was 7 I didn’t even want anyone to see me naked, let alone have sex. And I wasn’t even raised in a Christian home. But then again I don’t know how little boys think.
 
kage_ar said:
She should not say anything in an email that she does not want to be made know publicly.

This should be discussed with her Priest and or Spiritual Director, or her counselor. They will be able to give her the best advice.
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Ditto on the email. things like that do get out whether intended or not. Email may be a way of breaking the ice saying something to the effect that she needs to talk and hopes that he can set time asside to talk.

Also agree on the getting (name removed by moderator)ut from an expert. from the numbers you gave she went through all of puberty with this on her mind and most of her life. She is now an adult looking at having serious relations. She probably needs help with closure. This may also be why she wants to talk to the boy: to get closure.
 
royal_archer said:
Ditto on the email. things like that do get out whether intended or not. Email may be a way of breaking the ice saying something to the effect that she needs to talk and hopes that he can set time asside to talk.

Also agree on the getting (name removed by moderator)ut from an expert. from the numbers you gave she went through all of puberty with this on her mind and most of her life. She is now an adult looking at having serious relations. She probably needs help with closure. This may also be why she wants to talk to the boy: to get closure.
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well, i talked to her yesterday about it. and basically thats the idea - she wants closure on it because she has never talked about it with the boy! but yeah, i told her to talk to the priest or her spiritual director. Then she gave me the same reaction - she said no, she doesnt feel ready again. I think she can only really open up to people who she feels comfortable with.
 
I don’t beleive in that kind of ‘closure’, where we allow others to have that sort of authority over our spiritual or emotional life.

She should put it behind her as something that is past, unchangable, not her fault anyway: end of story.

Whether the boy has confessed etc. really isn’t her business.
 
ok…thanks to eveyone who replied!!..
umm…i forcefully made my friend go to the priest today! So she went with much convincing.
Basically the priest told her to just forget about what happened 15yrs back and that she does not need to bring it up with the boy.
So i think she is quite content with that answer.
 
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