Personal question, regarding courtship: How do I know what I want?

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Elijah_Baley

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A particularly wonderful lady with whom I’ve been talking for a little while has sent me this message:

A. I think I am interested in dating you. But in a completely straightforward sort of way that is open to the possibility of marriage and children and whatnot. This would be contingent on you knowing what you want.
B. You don’t know what you want.
C. Let me know when you know what you want.

She’s asking in an ultimate sense. In an immediate sense, I would love to get to know her. This is not what she’s asking. She’s asking for a clearer confirmation of where I’m headed for the predictable future.

Background: I spent some time in discernment. For reasons I believe are not going to change but for all I know might be baseless, I am no longer discerning a religious vocation. After determining this — looking back on this, very soon after determining this — we struck up our first conversation.

I want what God wants. How do I know what God wants for me? I’d love to get to know her, in a completely straightforward way, but that’s the immediate desire rather than the “as far as I can predict” concern.

My concern: My experience with discernment, and the advice I have been given regarding it, has been exactly to take it one step at a time. That God, when we are attentive, gives us step B and then C and then D precisely in this order. We don’t get to peek ahead.

:o

Therefore, because I don’t want to lie to her, and because I know I can’t predict the future, but because I would like to be committed to her, although I don’t know that I’m supposed to be … ugh.

When I try to communicate this, I come across as wavering and noncommittal, when my first desire is to say exactly as much as I can without exaggerating. (I tend towards the histrionic. I may be overcorrecting.)

Does anyone have any helpful perspective?
 
“I am open to marriage now. I am open to marriage with you if I come to feel and think, through prayerful discernment, that this is what God wants for us. I don’t know if and when this will happen. I do know that I really want to get to know you better.”

This would be great for me. But I’m very unromantic and straightforward.
 
I am only a convert of a few years so when I dated but I did date a lot (not often for long) and my first boyfriend at 23 became my husband, now of 12 years. So, what I am trying to say is that you probably wouldn’t KNOW right away if you wanted to marry this girl but if you were “open to marriage” and you got to know her better, I think in a short time you could determine if she was “the one.”

I am sure everyone is different but when I met my husband, I immediately REALLY liked him and knew I wanted to date him. I had also made a list of things I would want in a spouse (I think at 15) and remarkably he had quite a few of those! I also shared several things in common, similar tates, humor,etc. I also had the sense of being able to “breathe” with him which previously with others I felt somewhat claustrophobic after about 2 weeks. I hope this helps!

BTW, I definitely think courting, doing it the right way (chastely) allows for greater freedom and quicker discernment if you are really compatible and I think feelings don’t get hurt as gravely! Good luck! I will pray for you! Johanna 👍
 
My first sentence should say that when I dated, I was not catholic. Sorry! 😊
 
Litcrit said:
“I am open to marriage now. I am open to marriage with you if I come to feel and think, through prayerful discernment, that this is what God wants for us. I don’t know if and when this will happen. I do know that I really want to get to know you better.”

This would be great for me. But I’m very unromantic and straightforward.
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I second this.

I would clarify with her…does she mean she wants a commitment now? Because that seems unrealistic. If she just wants to know that you are not already set against marriage and family, and that it is possible that the relationship could go there, then that is reasonable.

And if you know in your heart of hearts that you do not want marriage and that you really are still discerning a vocation, you should let her go.
 
Elijah_Baley said:
A particularly wonderful lady with whom I’ve been talking for a little while has sent me this message:

A. I think I am interested in dating you. But in a completely straightforward sort of way that is open to the possibility of marriage and children and whatnot. This would be contingent on you knowing what you want.
B. You don’t know what you want.
C. Let me know when you know what you want.
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  1. She looks like a practitioner of syllogisms. Talks like a lawyer more than a real lawyer. The clear, point by point way in which she lays out her thoughts, though, doesn’t automatically make her right on things. Kudos to her for clear communication at any rate.
She’s asking in an ultimate sense. In an immediate sense, I would love to get to know her. This is not what she’s asking. She’s asking for a clearer confirmation of where I’m headed for the predictable future.
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It would be unreasonable for her to demand a decision about the future right at this point. However, it’s perfectly reasonable for her to want to know if:
  1. you’re open to marriage or, better, actually want marriage, not just tentatively consider it as one of your options
  2. you’re open to marriage with her if things work out okay between the two of you, which mostly means that you don’t already know that you’d like to date her but not marry her (which happens sometimes)
After that kind of message from her, you can be frank too.
I want what God wants. How do I know what God wants for me? I’d love to get to know her, in a completely straightforward way, but that’s the immediate desire rather than the “as far as I can predict” concern.
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My concern: My experience with discernment, and the advice I have been given regarding it, has been exactly to take it one step at a time. That God, when we are attentive, gives us step B and then C and then D precisely in this order. We don’t get to peek ahead.
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Women sometimes want too far forward looking declarations from men, and sometimes while not wanting to give any themselves (unequal rules). Doesn’t seem to be the case with your special lady. She seems to put stress on the fact that dating is for discernment and leads to decisions about the future, it isn’t just a pleasurable pastime, not much more than that. She wants you free to marry if things work out, I believe.

If she actually does have some unequal or otherwise unreasonable expectations, she sounds like she can be persuaded with reason. Unless the A, B, C points was just a summary and not the way she actually talked to you. But even then, sometimes logic works.
Therefore, because I don’t want to lie to her, and because I know I can’t predict the future, but because I would like to be committed to her, although I don’t know that I’m supposed to be … ugh.
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I’d tell her like it is.
When I try to communicate this, I come across as wavering and noncommittal, when my first desire is to say exactly as much as I can without exaggerating. (I tend towards the histrionic. I may be overcorrecting.)
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Does anyone have any helpful perspective?
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I’d use more space than 3 points, but still as brief as it can be but above all clear. Sometimes brevity does harm clarity. After telling her all that, there’s nothing more you can do. At that point it’s up to God and her, each of whom may have something against the prospect. And sometimes things just don’t work out because the two people can’t communicate and work out an agreement. And you need to be able to communicate, compromise and otherwise work out agreements with your wife, or else your lives are likely gonna be miserable.
 
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