Personal Shortcomings Causing Pain

[crobynb]

Well I am feeling like I am at a loss with myself. I am the youngest of three girls. My oldest sister is 30 and my middle sister is 27 - I am 23. My problem is that I am so close, best friends with my middle sister. I do not have that good of a relationship with my older sister. We all live within 15 miles of each other and ours is a close knit family. But for the life of me I cannot make myself be close to or really even patient with my older sis.

Part of the problem is the age gap - being 7 years older she always tried to “mother hen” me and I naturally rebelled against that, I already have a mother. Our personalities are so opposite. I am generally laid back, relaxed, and not one to get all riled up - more of an observer rather than participant. She is (here comes my biased opinion) mostly uptight, domineering, and attention hungry all while trying to be the victim in every situation. We clash in almost everything. To top it off she tries to put guilt trips on me and my other sis for being so close. We feel like we have to sometimes hide when we spend an afternoon together without her - but do not get me wrong we always make sure to invite her. She just does not come because she would rather feel left out for self pity. She is however close to our other sister - the middle sis who wants to be the peacemaker, although she too has frequent frustrations with our older sister.

I do love her. Yes I must sound hateful above, but there is love for her in my heart. Just little understanding. I know that this problem is MY FAULT despite what opinions I have of her and how I try to rationalize my anger towards her. It is my fault that I am not more patient, kind, or loving towards her. I tell myself everyday to be better and I pray so much for my heart to be touched so I can heal our relationship. She has done so many things to hurt me, but I am no better with these feelings. I need to be forgiving - because I surely need it in return. I know I would be heartbroken without her - so why can I not appreciate her as much as I should?

Anyone with similar difficulties with siblings - please let me know if you have advice or words of wisdom to put me on the right track. I am struggling on my own. Thank you.

 

[BlestOne]

You just described my relationship with my sisters. At least a few years ago, until the oldest hurt the middle one in an effort to get attention. Now neither of us is close to our oldest sister and subsequently our mother sides with the oldest as she always has. This has caused big strains in the family and it hurts to see all this happening.

I can tell you this…never let it get to the point we did!!! Also,
what happens if you nicely point out inappropriate behaviors to oldest? Does she sulk in self pity? Ours did, then ran to mom. If we had confronted the behavior sooner I don’t know that it would have changed anything either. I wish I could offer advice but as you see, our sister relationship went through the same thing but got worse. My oldest can’t accept responsibility for anything. Do you know it is my fault she is not coming to my wedding this Saturday? Why? Because I didn’t give her enough warning and she used all her vacation time. I told the family last year that we would be getting married this summer but I couldn’t give a definite date until July because of annulment stuff. Still, everyone else knew it would happen, why didn’t she?

Please feel free to email me for anymore insight into this. I have to go now because my ac broke and I am sweating like nobodys business so I have to get out of here for a while. Sorry I couldn’t be more help.

 

[Island_Oak]

Well…didn’t you and your sisters do a bang-up job fitting into the text-book descriptions of the characteristics of the accomplished, but somewhat rigid “oldest child,” the social-peace-maker middle child," and the easy-going “baby” of the family. Your roles and relationship to each other will in many ways always be “flavored” by your position in the family, though not inflexibly governed by it. Life events–like marriage, career, motherhood, care of aging parents, etc. will all have the effect of putting you on similar footing as time goes by.

In the meantime, why not play to your sisters’ strengths in dealing with them. Seek out your oldest sister for advice–no doubt she loves to dish it out and may even have some gems to offer. Maybe let the middle sister plan and orchestrate some of your gatherings since she is diplomatic and close to both of you. Find an activity you all enjoy doing and that you can do (almost) equally well–whether it be a sport you all grew up with (tennis, skiing, golf) or take up something new together–a language, cooking class; biking, book club, a monthly girls’ night out at a new restaurant, etc. It can be great fun and a new way to bond now that you’re all adults. (and remember how blessed you are to have sisters!)

 

[bapcathluth]

Island Oak:

Well…didn’t you and your sisters do a bang-up job fitting into the text-book descriptions of the characteristics of the accomplished, but somewhat rigid “oldest child,” the social-peace-maker middle child," and the easy-going “baby” of the family. Your roles and relationship to each other will in many ways always be “flavored” by your position in the family, though not inflexibly governed by it. Life events–like marriage, career, motherhood, care of aging parents, etc. will all have the effect of putting you on similar footing as time goes by.

In the meantime, why not play to your sisters’ strengths in dealing with them. Seek out your oldest sister for advice–no doubt she loves to dish it out and may even have some gems to offer. Maybe let the middle sister plan and orchestrate some of your gatherings since she is diplomatic and close to both of you. Find an activity you all enjoy doing and that you can do (almost) equally well–whether it be a sport you all grew up with (tennis, skiing, golf) or take up something new together–a language, cooking class; biking, book club, a monthly girls’ night out at a new restaurant, etc. It can be great fun and a new way to bond now that you’re all adults. (and remember how blessed you are to have sisters!)

Island Oak, your answers are always so well-written and filled with good advice. I enjoy reading your responses.

 

[Island_Oak]

bapcathluth:

Island Oak, your answers are always so well-written and filled with good advice. I enjoy reading your responses.

What a pleasant way to start my day–thanks for your kind words, friend.

 

[BlestOne]

Yes, Island Oak…it is excellent advice. I will remember it in the future when dealing with my sisters as well. I could use all the help I can get with the oldest. For the life of me I don’t get it though. I am a pretty easy person to get along with and my middle sister has me beat hands down in the easy to get along with catagory. I had to move 1000 miles away just to get away from it all when all I had to do is ask her to be herself on terms I could deal with. Hmmmm…am I dumb!!! Thanks Island Oak…Your Da Bomb!!!