Perspective on my marriage?

[acat]

To clarify - I wait weeks to bring something up. Then we have a big discussion and he’ll start cleaning for a day or two, but then always slides back into complacency.

I turned over the lawn to him - thinking eventually he’d do it, even if not on my schedule. It never got mowed once, until the end of summer when I insisted he do it since it was over a foot tall and neighbors were complaining.

I left the dishes to him and we ended up with piles of moldy dishes all over the counters.

He was in charge of the basement and I went down to check up on things and find piles of trash, old kitty litter, animal excrement, and worse.

He does not self correct.

 

[Xantippe]

To clarify - I wait weeks to bring something up. Then we have a big discussion and he’ll start cleaning for a day or two, but then always slides back into complacency.

I turned over the lawn to him - thinking eventually he’d do it, even if not on my schedule. It never got mowed once, until the end of summer when I insisted he do it since it was over a foot tall and neighbors were complaining.

I left the dishes to him and we ended up with piles of moldy dishes all over the counters.

He was in charge of the basement and I went down to check up on things and find piles of trash, old kitty litter, animal excrement, and worse.

He does not self correct.

Yeah.

These things get even more out of hand once there are animals in the picture.

Is there any hope of getting once a month cleaning help? Having a once-a-month standing appointment for cleaning could be very helpful for your husband–I know it is for my mom.

Also, is your current housing suitable for your family long-term? Would an apartment suit your needs better by eliminating the need for exterior maintenance like lawn and trees?

 

[Xantippe]

To clarify - I wait weeks to bring something up. Then we have a big discussion and he’ll start cleaning for a day or two, but then always slides back into complacency.

I turned over the lawn to him - thinking eventually he’d do it, even if not on my schedule. It never got mowed once, until the end of summer when I insisted he do it since it was over a foot tall and neighbors were complaining.

I left the dishes to him and we ended up with piles of moldy dishes all over the counters.

He was in charge of the basement and I went down to check up on things and find piles of trash, old kitty litter, animal excrement, and worse.

He does not self correct.

This is going to be really unpopular with a lot of people, but given the very difficult circumstances, I think it has to be done.

I would suggest talking to 2 or 3 trusted close relatives or friends and telling them to keep an eye on your kid and his home situation, and if your kid seems to go off the radar or if your husband withdraws, to not hesitate to call CPS or ask for a police welfare check. You may need this just for yourself as your health declines if your husband continues to be incapable of managing things at home.

This may sound very extreme, but it would be no joke to be in the final stages of your illness in a filthy home without safe food. Also, I’ve read very sad stories of childhoods spent living in hoarder homes–there comes a point where a house is so bad that it is impossible to have a normal childhood.

childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/?page_id=547

A lot of people have inhibitions about bringing the authorities into the life of their family, so I would encourage you to speak candidly to the people closest to you and your son and ask them to continue to keep an eye out, and not feel bad about involving the authorities in future.

Best wishes!

 

[pianistclare]

There is some indication that this tragedy would not handled well by dad.
One has to think of all the possibilities. Of course one OPES things will snap him into shape…but the reality is, he’s low functioning today. With her there, with her being able to follow him around asking for help. We can’t know that left to his own devices he would be able, in his grief, to cope.
I think asking for help and alerting kind people in advance is a great idea.
He doesn’t have to lose custody, but clearly, the man needs HELP. Now. Before something happens. Most Diocese have family counselors who would help at no charge, and put together a plan. I encourage the OP to pursue this avenue.

 

[nodito]

OP, you’ve received some great advice in this thread. I’m sorry for your illness and the difficulties you’ve had with your marriage. I really admire your commitment to your marriage during this “for worse” phase. It really is a great witness to the sacrament and an example for us all.

Where would your son go if your husband was unable to care for him after your passing? If it’s with a relative then you might consider moving to be nearby that relative now, to give some stability to your son in the event that he will eventually need to be raised in part by that person and also because you likely trust them to look out for your son (and you?) as your health declines. I like the suggestion to consider a condo as a way of eliminating outside yard work for your husband.

You mention finances are challenging with your husband’s unemployment. If you have the resources, I would really encourage you to consult with an attorney or financial planner about setting up a trust for your son to be managed by someone other than your husband.

Yes, people can and do change, and it’s entirely possible that your husband would step up to the plate if he had to, but I think it wiser to plan on the likelihood that everything will remain the same and what would you need to happen today so that your son would be okay if you were to die next month.

So I guess my perspective would be: Make arrangements for your son as best you can, assuming that your husband remains just as he is today, and then continue to work and pray for your marriage without the expectation that it will lead to anything other than a witness to your son about the value and permanence of marriage (which is no small gift to give a child!).

 

[Anne1964]

You mentioned that your husband’s relationship with your son has improved. Was that due to his sobriety or is he making more of an effort to have a relationship with your son?

Does he really want to be a full time dad or would he be relieved if your parents or another relative were to get custody of your son at some point and your husband could just visit him?

As you said, you cannot change your husband and letting things go like the housework and yard care doesn’t work because your husband will allow those to pile up and will not do anything about them. You could certainly teach your son some basic survival skills, like how to microwave a frozen dinner, or how to clean a bathroom or vacuum and how to wash and dry his clothes. Yes, he’s a bit young but with your help perhaps he could learn some of these things now.

The danger with this approach is that your husband begins to expect your son to do all of the household tasks you can no longer do. From how you have described your husband’s behavior that will only get worse after you are gone.

Do you honestly think your husband is capable of raising your son alone? If not, and you are able to leave the house, you may want to consult an attorney about alternative custody arrangements for your son.

 

[Xantippe]

There is some indication that this tragedy would not handled well by dad.
One has to think of all the possibilities. Of course one OPES things will snap him into shape…but the reality is, he’s low functioning today. With her there, with her being able to follow him around asking for help. We can’t know that left to his own devices he would be able, in his grief, to cope.
I think asking for help and alerting kind people in advance is a great idea.
He doesn’t have to lose custody, but clearly, **the man needs HELP. Now. Before something happens. **Most Diocese have family counselors who would help at no charge, and put together a plan. I encourage the OP to pursue this avenue.

Yes.

Even just for his own good.

 

[Xantippe]

OP, you’ve received some great advice in this thread. I’m sorry for your illness and the difficulties you’ve had with your marriage. I really admire your commitment to your marriage during this “for worse” phase. It really is a great witness to the sacrament and an example for us all.

Where would your son go if your husband was unable to care for him after your passing? If it’s with a relative then you might consider moving to be nearby that relative now, to give some stability to your son in the event that he will eventually need to be raised in part by that person and also because you likely trust them to look out for your son (and you?) as your health declines. I like the suggestion to consider a condo as a way of eliminating outside yard work for your husband.

You mention finances are challenging with your husband’s unemployment. ** If you have the resources, I would really encourage you to consult with an attorney or financial planner about setting up a trust for your son to be managed by someone other than your husband.**

Yes, people can and do change, and it’s entirely possible that your husband would step up to the plate if he had to, but I think it wiser to plan on the likelihood that everything will remain the same and what would you need to happen today so that your son would be okay if you were to die next month.

So I guess my perspective would be: Make arrangements for your son as best you can, assuming that your husband remains just as he is today, and then continue to work and pray for your marriage without the expectation that it will lead to anything other than a witness to your son about the value and permanence of marriage (which is no small gift to give a child!).

Yes.

I think it would also be a good idea to touch bases with the child’s teachers at the beginning of every year, so that they are prepared in advance in case there’s a major decline in your health during that school year.

 

[Xantippe]

You mentioned that your husband’s relationship with your son has improved. Was that due to his sobriety or is he making more of an effort to have a relationship with your son?

Does he really want to be a full time dad or would he be relieved if your parents or another relative were to get custody of your son at some point and your husband could just visit him?

As you said, you cannot change your husband and letting things go like the housework and yard care doesn’t work because your husband will allow those to pile up and will not do anything about them. **You could certainly teach your son some basic survival skills, like how to microwave a frozen dinner, or how to clean a bathroom or vacuum and how to wash and dry his clothes. Yes, he’s a bit young but with your help perhaps he could learn some of these things now. **

The danger with this approach is that your husband begins to expect your son to do all of the household tasks you can no longer do. From how you have described your husband’s behavior that will only get worse after you are gone.

Do you honestly think your husband is capable of raising your son alone? If not, and you are able to leave the house, you may want to consult an attorney about alternative custody arrangements for your son.

Very good points.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

The ideal situation would be for a close family member or friend to move in with us, help out with the household but especially with our son (including after my death). Unfortunately, that is a big sacrifice for someone to make and I’ve yet to find anyone willing to do so. Perhaps as my health situation becomes more dire, someone will step up or things will otherwise fall into place, but I certainly have a lot of anxiety about it at this point.

As I mother I understand how concerned you are for your son in these circumstances. Perhaps the best advice I can give is that you give all your suffering to the Lord, place it at the foot of his cross and pray for a miracle. I absolutely believe that he will take care of this situation in some way, and that is what I mean by a miracle. I Know this is not practical advice on how to change the situation, but a Catholic way on how to use suffering. Sometimes that is all that can be done. God will do the rest.

 

[heidi_storage]

Please don’t take the boy away from his dad. Please. Make sure there’s someone nearby for your son, with whom he can visit and experience some normalcy, but don’t take him away.

Signed,

Someone who lost her dad at 9 years old; whose mom retreated into depression and sleeping for 17 hours per day (and who rapidly became debilitated with rheumatoid arthritis); whose house frankly was unsanitary and unsafe; whose older brother impoverished the already-struggling family even more with his drinking; and who is very, very glad that she wasn’t removed from her family, and very, very glad that she had the support of a loving, stable, Christian group of neighbors.

P.S. OP, I am so, so sorry for your situation. It sucks. I pray you will have a longer-than-expected lifespan, full of love and good memories. But know that God does look after bereaved children.

 

[Xantippe]

Please don’t take the boy away from his dad. Please. Make sure there’s someone nearby for your son, with whom he can visit and experience some normalcy, but don’t take him away.

Signed,

Someone who lost her dad at 9 years old; whose mom retreated into depression and sleeping for 17 hours per day (and who rapidly became debilitated with rheumatoid arthritis); whose house frankly was unsanitary and unsafe; whose older brother impoverished the already-struggling family even more with his drinking; and who is very, very glad that she wasn’t removed from her family, and very, very glad that she had the support of a loving, stable, Christian group of neighbors.

P.S. OP, I am so, so sorry for your situation. It sucks. I pray you will have a longer-than-expected lifespan, full of love and good memories. But know that God does look after bereaved children.

The OP said, “Our son has some special needs - mild, medically speaking, but his social/emotional needs are rather intense, and I’ve had to devote most of my energy to caring for him.” So he may need a lot more day-to-day help than an average child in the same situation, and suffer much more from neglect than an average child would in the same situation–also, depending on what his issues are, he may not be as well-suited as you were to reaching out to people outside the family for help.

OP, another avenue to research would be how CASA or guardian ad litem work in your state. That might not be relevant to your situation, but I would suggest at least doing a little research.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, is your will in order and have you thought about whether a person other than your husband would make a better medical power of attorney? (Or however that’s done in your state.)

 

[acat]

Thank you for the suggestions and insights you all have offered! I’ve been thinking about all these things for a while and trying to slowly sort through the issues and put plans in place. It’s quite challenging. Praying that I will have plenty of time to get everything in order before I pass.

The other, deeper, issue is how to honor my commitment to this marriage, given the situation. I do my best to love him and show him love, despite my conflicted feelings. I feel more of a brotherly love for him than a romantic love, but that doesn’t seem fair to either of us and that’s not the kind of marriage I want to model for our son. But how can I find within myself the ability to feel and show romantic love toward someone that I have trouble respecting and trusting? I respect him as a human being but struggle to see him as an equal adult, if that makes sense. He feels more like another child to me than a partner. I want to find a way to reconnect to the marriage itself, the marital feelings I experienced before his betrayals and all the other huge issues. I suppose we could just continue to live together more as brother and sister, but that doesn’t seem to honor the marital bond we chose to form.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you for the suggestions and insights you all have offered! I’ve been thinking about all these things for a while and trying to slowly sort through the issues and put plans in place. It’s quite challenging. Praying that I will have plenty of time to get everything in order before I pass.

The other, deeper, issue is how to honor my commitment to this marriage, given the situation. I do my best to love him and show him love, despite my conflicted feelings. I feel more of a brotherly love for him than a romantic love, but that doesn’t seem fair to either of us and that’s not the kind of marriage I want to model for our son. But how can I find within myself the ability to feel and show romantic love toward someone that I have trouble respecting and trusting? I respect him as a human being but struggle to see him as an equal adult, if that makes sense. He feels more like another child to me than a partner. I want to find a way to reconnect to the marriage itself, the marital feelings I experienced before his betrayals and all the other huge issues. I suppose we could just continue to live together more as brother and sister, but that doesn’t seem to honor the marital bond we chose to form.

You know, even the best of marriages sometimes come to that point (the brother and sister thing) simply because one is ill. It does not dishonor the marriage bond. It’s just a fact of illness, and life. This should be the least of your worries. You can do something as simple as candles on the dinner table and a nice movie on the couch. Don’t feel like he’ll forget why you married him.
Be assured of our prayers.