Persue or let her go?

[pjkramer]

I’ve been dating a young woman for 3 months. Both of us are devout Catholics who desire to follow the Church’s teachings in our lives. We’ve hit it off really well and share a lot of things in common and compliment each other very well. Even though it’s been only 3 months, I can picture myself marrying this woman someday (I’m 25 if anyone cares to know). She is loving, passionate about life, caring, understanding, and shares all of my values. Both of us have expressed that we love each other. Unfortunately, she called me today and said she didn’t want to see me anymore. She said that she was descerning whether God was calling her to full time missionary work outside the U.S. She didn’t want our relationship to proceed any further because she didn’t think it would be fair to lead me on when she isn’t completely sure if God is calling her to marriage or not.

I feel that the relationship quickly moved to that ‘crossroads’ where it must become more serious or simply end. In my hearts of hearts I feel like I shouldn’t let this one get away. It’s not in my nature to try to persuade someone while they are trying to descern their calling in life, but I wonder if that is exactly what I should do.

I’ve already talked to some friends about this, but I thought I’d post here and see what you all have to say. I know there are a lot of Godly people in these forums. I figured that your advice might be helpful. In any case, please pray for me and her.

 

[StephanieC]

Support her, encourage her, stay in touch with her…but let her go as a love interest for now. Who knows what God might have up his sleeve in the future for either of you, individually or as a couple?

 

[turboEDvo]

Well, I’m very sorry to hear that. If I were you (well, actually, if I were me, this is what I would do), I would write her a letter (she can’t tell the letter to be quite, she can reread it, etc etc). Say everything you feel about her: you love her, you’ll miss her, you’re probably pissed that the relationship is taking this turn and that she didn’t at least consult with you first (or maybe she did, I don’t know, you know more about it than me). But, sometimes we have to suffer for somebody we love. I know what you mean about not asking people to change for you. Tell her you will support her in her decision, whichever that may be, and maybe, if she isn’t going to be gone forever, it will work out at a later date. You never know, maybe she is looking for reasons to stay or go, and you might sway her. But don’t count on it. Just be there, even if it sucks for you. I’ll pray for you two.

Eamon

 

[otm]

It is easy, from the age of 25, to see things as absolutes. Add another 25 or so, and some things look a bit different…

I guess one of the questions is whether or not she is seeing this as something more than a 1, 2 or maybe 3 year committment. If she is participating as a lay person in missionary work, that is usually about the longest (3 yrs) that anyone would be away before they were rotated back to the States. If that is so, then bringing it to a grinding halt may not make the most sense; but neither is accelerating it, unless you plan on being a missionary too (we had a couple in our church which did; they were in their 20’s).

If she is discerning a call to the professed life and missionary work, then back off. If her call is God’s call, you don’t even want to get in the way, and if it isn’t, she needs you to respect her discernment.

And if she is really being called to full time missionary work, and let’s presume that she doesn’t burn out after a year or two, are you prepared to accompany her if whe wants to do further work?

Frankly, if she is being called to some sort of lay missionary work, it would probably be better for her if you two weren’t trying to carry on a long distance courtship; it would only add to her burden. But if she goes, she certainly may come back. I wouldn’t sit around putting all my hope in resuming anything if she goes, but that is certainly not out of the question.

Bottom line: do you truly lover her enough to give her to God? or are you just in love with her?

 

[moonfire]

My few cents is that when people are in their 20s, especially “these days,” they are still doing a lot of figuring out of what they want to do with their lives, whether they know it or not. We can “do anything” nowadays, and there are so many options. At least she has some ideas and is following up/through with something she seems to feel strongly about.

From experience, I can say that I’ve developed the opinion that it is best to sort through all of the questions and possible callings while you’re still in your 20s, especially before getting married There is a lot of time… don’t rush. My feeling about these kinds of things is that what is “meant to be is meant to be.” Let her follow her heart (I’m sure it was difficult for her to tell you, so it is probably a very serious consideration for her), be there as a friend (sorry, I know that phrase stinks…) and remember to tell yourself often: Thy will be done.

We can’t sort through everything and know the answer/outcome to every possible scenario, but if we keep in mind that GOD knows and if we keep our minds and eyes on Him, we can only end up where He desires for us. It could be with her, soon, later, or not. And regardless, if you’re prayerful and true to God, it will be the right thing.

I’m not an old fogey I’m in my early 30s, but have seen a lot of these situations in my age group…

God bless you both.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Well, if she says she doesn’t want to see you anymore or proceed with the romance, the ball isn’t too much in your court… except to say, “Well, of course I won’t try to stop you… although I wouldn’t think of letting anyone but God steal you away.” And tell her that she will be in your prayers, and not just that He’ll send her right back. And of course, pray like crazy for her.

What if she does go on to become a missionary? It is not as if she left you at the altar. Surely you’ll want to keep in touch. Letting her follow her call doesn’t mean letting her “get away.” You might ask her if perhaps you might meet for coffee or lunch every month or two, just so you can keep tabs on her. Drop her a letter every once and again, to ask what she’s up to and to keep her up on your news… the kind of letter you’d let your wife read, should your wife wind up being someone else.

This may just be God’s way of slowing you down a little… or who knows what. Maybe there is someone else that God is making an opening for. Life can be long, and strange things happen. To live in hope is to live with an eye out for the surprises God has in mind. Good luck! Follow Him, and you won’t go wrong.

PS Have you discerned that you don’t have a calling to missionary work? Just a thought.

 

[pjkramer]

Thanks for the replies everyone. You’ve given a lot of good advice and ideas. I am very grateful for your advice and prayers. I do intend to stay in touch with her. Hopefully, God will make it more clear to me what he wants over time.

 

[Fashina86]

turboEDvo:

Well, I’m very sorry to hear that. If I were you (well, actually, if I were me, this is what I would do), I would write her a letter (she can’t tell the letter to be quite, she can reread it, etc etc). Eamon

Letters seem to be a very nice way of addressing the issue. Don’t try to push her, so let God take His time and wait. If it is meant to be, it will happen. Good luck! …and I will say a prayer