i love Jesus, Mary, the Saints. I do not like God at all.
Jesus is God, and if you love Him, you love God. If you are angry at God, you are angry at Jesus. It seems therefore that you love God but are presently angry at Him.
John 14:9-11:
9Jesus answered: "Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? 10Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 11Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves.
Because you love God but are angry with Him, there is no great cause to fear, but there is reason to keep pursuing Him and praying to Him to strengthen you in His grace and deepen your intimacy with Him. It is especially valuable to pray this to Mary, for she is our great advocate in Heaven.
Here’s a passage that appears to me to apply to your situation. Jesus said the following to His disciples right before the Passion, and it seems to speak to what you are going through as well. We all need Heavenly aid and faith, and He can provide that.
John 16:19-24:
19Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, "Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? 20I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
For a while, you do not see Him, but then in a while, you will. You weep and mourn but your grief will turn to joy.
Keep asking Jesus for perfect unity with Him and wait for Him to come to you. I was just reading yesterday or earlier today from a poster who went through a dark night for I think five years, feeling completely abandoned by God, and three months before He finally revealed Himself to her, she considered giving up the faith and search completely. Finally, He revealed Himself to her and she has been completely overwhelmed with joy and powerful spiritual intimacy with Jesus. Psalm 27:14 says, “Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” If we prayerfully wait, this is builds our faith and strengthens our souls.
I mean I could lie but it is the truth. I feel abandoned by him completely.
It is often during this time that He causes us to feel abandoned that we spiritually grow the most. Strangely, the time when He feels most separate from us is the time when He is most active in our lives. We simply are blind to what He is doing. These times of testing are the way He uses to make us grow in Him.
I know there is “the dark night” and all but how long to I have to preservere? What is hurting me is I am a catechist and Youth leader and while I can recite rote answers I don’t feel it. The academic answers ect. I can do because I know what they are (mostly
) but I don’t FEEL it. I feel like the worlds biggest hypocrite! Does anyone have suggestions?
Have you practiced the Nine First Fridays devotion recommended by St. Margaret Mary? It takes 9 months to complete, but through it God worked wonders in my life. Here’s a link describing it and the promises Jesus made to bless those who practiced this devotion.
miraclerosarymission.org/shj.htm
Here’s a novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus.
ewtn.com/devotionals/heart/sh_novena.htm Padre Pio prayed this novena every day while he was on Earth; you could ask him to pray it with you now as well. I am sure he would be glad to do so. The intention might be deeper intimacy with God.
I also want to encourage you that not FEELING the answers you give doesn’t make you a hypocrite. You still believe them, even though they feel hollow and meaningless to you at the moment. Only if you are preaching what you don’t practice, for instance, insisting that everyone go to Daily Mass but not doing it yourself, then you would be a hypocrite. But speaking what you aren’t feeling is not hypocrisy. It is faith. When you trust in the Lord in spite of negative feelings, that is faith in hardship, whereas if you trust when it’s easy, there is much less merit in that (though obviously that’s necessary too).
