Please help me understand my husband

[Xantippe]

I talked to my husband and I don’t believe he commited adultery but because of the trust issue I have due to everything else that has happened, I am not 100% sure.
I found out again he got drunk this weekend with some ‘buddies’ and came home at early hours of the morning. I couldn’t reach him all day Sunday. His cellphone was off. He finally answered Monday morning and the first thing he said was ‘whats up?’. He acted like nothing had happened as if what he did was completely okay. I told him I was giving up and didn’t think I was going home. At one point he said ‘when you come back…’ and I said ‘don’t be so sure!’ and he responded with ‘okay fine.’ I think he is testing me. I think he said that because he has so much pride and he doesn’t think I’ll ever leave him.

My dad has a permit for his truck to go travel into Mexico for June and July. He bought it (very expensive) before he knew of all the trouble going on with my husband. now I feel bad he made the purchase and would hate for it to go to waste. He has said he is willing to drive me down there and pay all the costs . although he has told me if I wasn’t married to him by the church he would just tell me to forget about it. He said he doesn’t think hes ever going to change. but since we are married, he isn’t advising me from going. he is telling me to be very wise about what I do. He is planning on maybe taking me in 3 weeks, before the permit expires. but he doesn’t know about my last conversation with my husband where he told me it would be okay/fine if I didn’t go back.

am I wrong to be so broken by all my husband has done to even tell him im considering not going back? I said that to him partly because I was so hurt and partly because I wanted him to react and … he is so proud and I feel he wants to have control over me leaving. and honestly I wish I could control him and make him fight for us, for his family.

am I only thinking with my heart?

I hate that he is doing all that stuff in my parents house. I think maybe I should tell him to get out. but I am afraid that will complicate things more. I just wish he could change the way he thinks and we could work this out and have a good marriage. but sometimes I think what if God doesn’t want this? am I wrong to think this?

my husband hasn’t tried to contact me since yesterday morning.

I think I wouldn’t hold that last phone conversation against him too much.

I think you should tell him that you said that because you wanted to see him fight for your marriage and to demonstrate that he is willing to make an effort for your family, but that you realize now that that saying flat out that you were thinking of not coming back was the wrong way to go about it. You should have just straight out said that you want to see him working and you want to see him clean and sober and you’d like to have a better, more loving marriage, with better communication and cooperation. And name some goals for your family–you’d like him to start working on his Mexican GED (whatever it’s called there) and to find work that he really loves and that uses his gifts. And you can tell him how much you respected his work ethic in the US. You can tell him that you don’t care where he’s working (as long as it’s legal and ethical), but you want him to be working full-time and making progress toward his dreams. I think you guys should start thinking about your dreams again.

And I think that going with your dad is a great idea, especially since your dad has been a good influence on him in the past. Maybe the two of you can see a counselor in the US before going to work on strategy?

 

[barboza21]

I think I wouldn’t hold that last phone conversation against him too much.

I think you should tell him that you said that because you wanted to see him fight for your marriage and to demonstrate that he is willing to make an effort for your family, but that you realize now that that saying flat out that you were thinking of not coming back was the wrong way to go about it. You should have just straight out said that you want to see him working and you want to see him clean and sober and you’d like to have a better, more loving marriage, with better communication and cooperation. And name some goals for your family–you’d like him to start working on his Mexican GED (whatever it’s called there) and to find work that he really loves and that uses his gifts. And you can tell him how much you respected his work ethic in the US. You can tell him that you don’t care where he’s working (as long as it’s legal and ethical), but you want him to be working full-time and making progress toward his dreams. I think you guys should start thinking about your dreams again.

And I think that going with your dad is a great idea, especially since your dad has been a good influence on him in the past. Maybe the two of you can see a counselor in the US before going to work on strategy?

thank you so much for your advice. It has helped me so much. My husband seems to be doing better. Though we still have difficulty sometimes communicating… I am learning to have faith in this situation and put certain things in the hands of God and simply trust in Him.

Thank you again. I will update as things change in case you’d be interested to know

May God bless you and all who advised me here.

 

[Xantippe]

thank you so much for your advice. It has helped me so much. My husband seems to be doing better. Though we still have difficulty sometimes communicating… I am learning to have faith in this situation and put certain things in the hands of God and simply trust in Him.

Thank you again. I will update as things change in case you’d be interested to know

May God bless you and all who advised me here.

Best wishes! I hope everything works out for you!!!

 

[Stillsosola]

I have a bigger problem now.
I talked to a neighbor across the street from our house in mexico. She says hes been partying til early hours of the morning. and she says there have been women in the house… women and men but WOMEN.

I think this changes things really.

Santo dios im so sorry dont sit and dwell on it go home and reopen your store pm ive been worried about you hes falling deep into a pit without there to guide him im going to the basilica tomorrow ill pray for you and leave flowers for our lady for you cuidate!

 

[Stillsosola]

You have good advice. I know I need to talk to him and let him know how things need to be. But he reacts so badly to when I tell him things like that. I guess its the manly pride (macho). Maybe him talking to his brothers will help. If his brothers tell him he is wrong or he has done wrong. because my husband usually says I always just think I am right.

We live in the capitol of the state so it is a city.

My husband worked in construction here. drove heavy machinery and cranes.

he does have pride.working at the farmers market is not good enough for him. i am sure if he had tried getting a job there he would have been working for 2 weeks now. he’d rather sell stuff for right now… because he wants a job at the airport or as a driver. But to work at the airport he needs high school diploma. Which he doesnt have. he wants the kinds of job that experienced people get. Which he obviously cant. but hes stubborn.

My husband worked at the airport in benito juarez you just need secondaria no cartilla militar he should go apply even if its just baggage handling you get seguro and vales de dispensa in the airport

 

[barboza21]

My husband worked at the airport in benito juarez you just need secondaria no cartilla militar he should go apply even if its just baggage handling you get seguro and vales de dispensa in the airport

Hi stillsosola!
I know. Its crazy.
He is close to getting a job at a hotel… But its still not a 100% done deal. My dads permit expires the first week of august so he has until then. I am praying and asking for a miracle. I am also feeling … More faithful? God will help us pull through I know. I trust in Him. Everything seems so small right now. I have been asking for faith and it seems He has answered me
I am going home soon God willing.
In Durango they have told him a few times he needs cartilla military to work there…
But the hotel job is a good one. I’ve asked God for a good job and to let him get the job God wants for him and no other so we’ll see.
Thank you for praying for me!!!
Pray for my personal relationship with Christ too!

 

[Stillsosola]

Hi stillsosola!
I know. Its crazy.
He is close to getting a job at a hotel… But its still not a 100% done deal. My dads permit expires the first week of august so he has until then. I am praying and asking for a miracle. I am also feeling … More faithful? God will help us pull through I know. I trust in Him. Everything seems so small right now. I have been asking for faith and it seems He has answered me
I am going home soon God willing.
In Durango they have told him a few times he needs cartilla military to work there…
But the hotel job is a good one. I’ve asked God for a good job and to let him get the job God wants for him and no other so we’ll see.
Thank you for praying for me!!!
Pray for my personal relationship with Christ too!

Im going to put that petition at our ladys feet todAy i hope he gets the job he likes its best when someone likes their job the cartilla militar is necessary for certain jobs like security and big companies i just applied at teletech myself with just my passport number so see some jobs dont evenask for your mexican papers if you speak english at least here in the distrito does he speak english? It could help him alot

Well be safe and keep the faith ill be praying for you at the basilica today

 

[rodgerdodger]

As a man and a sinner i can explain. your store ended in failure. if he drinks a large number of beers he may be a adict dabbling in whatever. he got caught up with something. When the money ran out he may have quit using. the truth may never come out, with my wife the truth is based on her fabrication. your story caught me my wife is cooling off in Mexico as well. i have not brought my kids to mx and shes been gone 3 mos. in my case i feel great without her hating on me and buYing material goods byond her means. My wife was abusive to me and the kids. of course i have a history of drinking and drug use. i gave up on her/ civil union. i have good news i am raising my kids. i will keep you in my prayers

 

[rodgerdodger]

As a man and a sinner i can explain. your store ended in failure. if he drinks a large number of beers he may be a adict dabbling in whatever. he got caught up with something. When the money ran out he may have quit using. the truth may never come out, with my wife the truth is based on her fabrication. your story caught me my wife is cooling off in Mexico as well. i have not brought my kids to mx and shes been gone 3 mos. in my case i feel great without her hating on me and buYing material goods byond her means. My wife was abusive to me and the kids. of course i have a history of drinking and drug use. i gave up on her/ civil union. i have good news i am raising my kids. i will keep you in my prayers

 

[barboza21]

Hello again to everyone!

Its been a long 6 months. I came back to Mexico and everything was a mess. My dad and I found out so many awful things. My husband was in bad shape. It was a horrible three days that I had to endure and decide what I was going to do…

I decided to stay and forgive my husband.

So many people must think I’m insane.

I forgave him and we started working on our problems. He found a job and started working on Aug. 4. I started selling hotdogs and nachos to provide for our basic daily needs until he got paid two weeks later. It has been a true roller coaster with so many things happening.

Since then, we still argue and are not on our feet yet.

But since then, he also has been going to mass with me every week. He is very respectful of me praying the rosary and all things catholic. He stopped doing drugs. He isnt drinking a lot any more. ( a couple beers a week)… He has changed. He is doing so much better. He agreed to go to a family church group. He has been to a marriage retreat with me and I am convincing him to go to a Kerygma spiritual retreat this weekend.

He is starting to be the same man as he was before everything happened. We are getting along as we used to. Basically, God answered my prayers and everyone else’s when they prayed for us.

THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart for all your prayers. God performed His miracle and things are only getting better.

As for me, God healed my broken heart. because He is amazing, and He loves me. I have truly forgiven my husband and its only because of Christ.

Last year was hell on earth, but God used it for a purpose. I am closer to God than I’ve ever been in my life. I am happy. Stressed out over our current financial situation, but happy.

I just wanted to update and say thank you all, especially Xantippe for all advice and prayers.

Remember, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GOD.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!

 

[barboza21]

PS
if its not too much to ask, please say a prayer for my husbands job situation and for discernment in our lives. as well as for my husband to be moved by the holy spirit and decide to go to the spiritual retreat.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m so happy for you!

 

[mountainrose]

Very happy for you! Praying for you.