Please help me with my mother

[A_Really_Big_Cat]

My mother and I just had a big fight over politics. It was started when she tried to ask why I believe certain things face to face, even though she knows that talking about politics face to face is extremely stressful for me. I ended up having a panic attack and I said things to her that hurt her feelings. We parted both feeling very hurt and upset. She thinks that I’m gullible and naive. What seems to concern her is that I take the opinions of friends I have on the internet more seriously than her opinions. I’m not really sure what to say in response that wouldn’t hurt her feelings. From my point of view, she has too much confidence in her own opinions and no consideration of other factors and consequences.

 

[heidi_storage]

How old are you, and do you live with your mother?

I ask because clearly you need to be avoiding politics as a topic if you cannot discuss it calmly with your mom, but what you do depends on your situation. A thirty-five-year-old woman living on her own calmly asks mom to drop it, explains they can’t really have productive conversations, then ends the phone call or visit if Mom won’t back off. Rinse and repeat until Mom gets the idea that you will (politely) enforce boundaries.

If you’re 15 and living at home, you don’t have quite the same luxury. So how old are you?

 

[A_Really_Big_Cat]

I am 20 years old and about to be moving out to go to university. She is really protective of me and always tells me that she only wants me to be happy, but I feel like she continues to put pressure on me to do things that I don’t want to do to make me happy in the way that she understands it.

Rory McKay

 

[Legend]

It sounds as if…it’s time for you to move out! Once you have moved, political discussion with each other will seem less important. It sounds like you inherited your willingness to stand up for what you believe in…from your mom!
Just concentrate on what you’ll do at university…where you will live, which courses you will take, deciding on a major?
You’ll have your hands full, but I wish you the very best.

 

[kptrs]

I never talk politics. With anyone. Don’t bring it up with her, and if she brings it up, politely change the subject.

 

[TheLittleLady]

It takes two to fight.

Walk away, politics is not worth fighting with your mom. Apologize to her. Agree that you will not talk politics anymore.

 

[kptrs]

Please learn this most, most, most valuable life skill:
When someone asks you a question you are not comfortable discussing, simply say “I’d rather not talk about that” your mother might say (but I’m you’re mom, why not, you did before, what’s wrong with you, don’t you trust me) after each of these you say the EXACT same thing “I’d rather not talk about that” over and over, say nothing else.

You will keep repeating yourself, not arguing just being boring until the other person gives up.

This is a valuable life skill I wasted so much time and frustrated myself hundreds of times in my life for absolutely nothing! Once I learned to free myself from the people in my life that it was a waste of time debating with it was like the chains came off. Please try it.

I wish I could give this post ten billion likes.

Yes, yes, and yes!!!

 

[bluerose]

Once you’re at the university, you will be using this a thousand times more than you ever would with your mother.

Please learn this most, most, most valuable life skill:
When someone asks you a question you are not comfortable discussing, simply say “I’d rather not talk about that” your mother might say (but I’m you’re mom, why not, you did before, what’s wrong with you, don’t you trust me) after each of these you say the EXACT same thing “I’d rather not talk about that” over and over, say nothing else.

You will keep repeating yourself, not arguing just being boring until the other person gives up.

This is a valuable life skill I wasted so much time and frustrated myself hundreds of times in my life for absolutely nothing! Once I learned to free myself from the people in my life that it was a waste of time debating with it was like the chains came off. Please try it.

 

[Viki63]

You sound a lot like my 21 year old daughter, who thinks I’m a fool because I voted for Trump, don’t believe promiscuity is a healthy lifestyle, and don’t endorse gay marriage. I am so behind the times it’s awful.
I love my daughter dearly, but occasionally remind her I’m three times her age so not totally stupid.
I’m sure my daughter thinks I have too much confidence in my own opinions and don’t take other factors into consideration.
As others have said, perhaps agree to disagree, and avoid political discussions. We can love someone and still disagree on important topics.

 

[ascetic]

FWIW, it’s good that she asked you directly face to face instead of making oblique, snarky comments like the internet has trained us to do. Not to denigrate your issues with anxiety (heck, I have one myself) but have you considered that the panic attack is a product of our modern age? People are no longer used to direct conversations. I don’t know your situation or your mother, so I could be totally missing the mark. Sorry if I am. Try to pick out ideas from what she said instead of thinking about what she said.

Treat it as an intellectual exercise rather than interpersonal dialogue. Ask clarifying questions: “Mom, when you said x, y, and z, did you mean q, r, and s?” Once she agrees that you have an accurate handle on her words, reflect carefully on how you arrived at your own conclusions about whatever issue you discussed, considering your own values, experiences, and knowledge. Praying for guidance before hand will help the endeavor. You can use this strategy when you go to college, then sit back and watch the backpedaling and logical fallacies roll in!

Remember the quote that is often attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt: “Great minds talk about ideas, mediocre minds talk about events, lesser minds talk about people.”

 

[A_Really_Big_Cat]

No, my family is descended from the Scottish McKay clan.

Rory McKay

 

[DeniseNY]

“Mom, I really love you and I don’t want to argue with you, so I’m not going to discuss politics anymore”.

 

[Ardent_Fire]

The only constructive way to discuss politics is if it’s not personal, and done in a calm, reasonable and informed manner. The problem is when people take these things and make them overly emotional rather than just looking at facts or weighing viewpoints from both sides. Often the failure to do this never leads to anything constructive. An informed and reasonable discussion can lead to just agreeing to disagree in a lot of cases but it’s better than just getting in a fight over it.

Unfortunately in a lot of cases, this is hard to do within your own family.

If you can’t discuss these things without getting into a fight, just tell her that you love her, but you are now an adult and also have to think and reason for yourself and that you may have to agree to disagree and refrain from discussing politics. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other.

 

[OneSheep]

Lol it’s pretty much the opposite situation though. I’m the “selfish and closed minded conservative” and she’s the “open minded and selfless progressive”. She doesn’t grasp that from my point of view, she’s the one who ignores other points of view. It’s easy for a progressive to ignore other arguments when their opinions are popular and their arguments are superficially effective. For a conservative, our views are constantly being challenged by media bias, and so we can’t ignore other viewpoints in the same way.

Keep in mind that a big factor at your age is that the desire for autonomy is very strong, especially concerning our parents. What is also underlying is “who is my circle of trust”? Many Catholics find that they trust opinions and information from Fox, and many from other sources also.

When autonomy is a factor, though, and especially since she is “really protective” and she is very opinionated, your own opinions are going to be caught up in this need/desire for freedom. It is very hard to be objective about the opinions coming from a person who is very protective of you.

Here might be some handy responses to your mom:

“You find this topic very important and you want to express this to me.” If you say this in a non-judgmental way, it effectively puts things out in the open, but you distance yourself from reacting.

Other responses might be something like, “I see your good intent in wanting me to share your opinion on this.” This appeals to a we-reap-what-we-sow approach. She will (hopefully) be inspired to see the good intent behind your opinions.

You could also make it a discovery process: “What are the experiences you have had that have developed and reinforced this opinion?” Do a lot of listening. Hopefully, she might be inspired to know/ask about your own experiences that have developed and reinforced your own opinion. If she does not, though, let it go. I repeat: autonomy is the biggest underlying issue.