Please help me ...

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kindmama

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I am struggling trying to forgive someone who has been cruel /mean to me on a repeated basis. This person is not remorseful or apologetic (however- this person lacks complete empathy- I have never witnessed such an unempathetic person in all my 33 years on this planet!)- I have been through a lot of counseling because of the horrid things this person has put me through (and I had allowed this person to treat me this way- until things got worse last December)- my counselor believes this person may have narcisistic personality disorder and he said if someone has that- there will probabbly never be any sincere apology.

So here I am- trying to free myself by forgiving this person. I am working on it. However- does this mean that if I forgive them that I have to reconcile the relationship? (Especially- given the fact that this person is not sorry?)

This is a tough situation for me. I am interested in advice and also concrete information on what the bibles says. (I am new to trying to figure out the bible- I heard the Navarre is a good place to start- but when I went to purchase it- there were a ton of different ones and I am trying to figure out which one to start off with).

***P.S. This person is a family member and after all that is happend I think I can work on forgiving as I know God commands that (even though this is hard)…but as for reconciliation and ever having this toxic person near me or my children (or over for dinner ever again) I don’t see that ever happening again…

Are forgiveness and the actual “reconciliation of a relationship” two different things? I feel like I continously "forgave " this person and allowed them around me and my family and they were never sorry (and actually enjoyed being cruel and always had evil intentions)…until they did some seriously inexcusable things and then I said “ENOUGH.” Now I am trying to work on forgiving this person— but do I have to have this person back in my life? They are not sorry and will continue the toxicness around me and my children.** Is there a part in the bible that talks about protecting yourself from others who have evil inside thier hearts as well?**

I am so torn. and so sad.

Thanks for your help
 
I am so sorry you are in that situation, especially when it’s a family member hurting you. 😦
If someone is hurting and abusing you, the Bible does not say you have to have a relationship with them. You should forgive them, but that doesn’t mean you have to spend any more time with them.
Here is a verse about what to do with people who won’t repent of their ways:
Mat. 18:15-17 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
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Basically, if this person has been told to stop what they are doing and they won’t, it is okay to cut them off from you to protect yourself. There are also plenty of verses about avoiding contact with people who do evil things, like this one:
2 Thessalonians 3:6 Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye withdraw yourselves from every brother that walketh disorderly, and not after the tradition which he received of us.
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I hope that helps!
 
Dear Kindmama,
You articulate the struggle with forgiveness perfectly. I had the same struggle as you are having right now. Both of my parents are emotionally abusive. For years and years I tried to forgive them and maintain some kind of relationship with them, but the psychological abuse continued and I found myself in a continuous cycle of trying to forgive them and “go back for more” as it were. (They too were never sorry or acknowledged anything they said or did). I suffered so much because I wanted to cut them off to end the torment, but then I was a good Catholic woman and “good Catholics” don’t cut off their parents.

I eventually sought out a very holy priest to help me with this. He knew that I cared deeply for my parents and wanted to be a good daughter and especially a good Catholic daughter. He did not know my mother, but he knows my father. Fr. helped me to understand that forgiveness does not mean that I have to keep the relationship. It meant to let go of my hurt and pain regarding my parents and let our wonderful God handle it.

My Catholic counselor also said that once I am able to pray for them, I would be free.

Well I can’t say it was easy, but after years of prayer, I have let go of my hurt and let God deal with them. I am unable to see them because they continue to do the same things as before (even to my kids) and I truly believe that I need to protect my kids from that kind of manipulation and abuse. I now pray for them daily in mass and even pray the green scapular prayer of conversion for the both of them.

I can tell you from experience that it is difficult. If this person is a parent, it is even more so. You do not have an obligation to tolerate abuse. You can love this person from afar through your prayer.

I hope this helps.

In Christ
Kelly
 
kindmama said:
However- does this mean that if I forgive them that I have to reconcile the relationship? (Especially- given the fact that this person is not sorry?)

This is a tough situation for me. I am interested in advice and also concrete information on what the bibles says. (I am new to trying to figure out the bible- I heard the Navarre is a good place to start- but when I went to purchase it- there were a ton of different ones and I am trying to figure out which one to start off with).

***P.S. This person is a family member and after all that is happend I think I can work on forgiving as I know God commands that (even though this is hard)…but as for reconciliation and ever having this toxic person near me or my children (or over for dinner ever again) I don’t see that ever happening again…

Are forgiveness and the actual “reconciliation of a relationship” two different things? I feel like I continously "forgave " this person and allowed them around me and my family and they were never sorry (and actually enjoyed being cruel and always had evil intentions)…until they did some seriously inexcusable things and then I said “ENOUGH.” Now I am trying to work on forgiving this person— but do I have to have this person back in my life? They are not sorry and will continue the toxicness around me and my children.** Is there a part in the bible that talks about protecting yourself from others who have evil inside thier hearts as well?**
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I just want to emphasize something about dealing with narcissists.

You ***do not ***reconcile with a narcissist. I hope my saying so will be a load off your shoulders.

Here is an excellent website on how to deal with narcissists and it helped me a lot: samvak.tripod.com/

And here are two pages from that site that touch on reconciliation:
 
Charlotte1776 said:
Basically, if this person has been told to stop what they are doing and they won’t, it is okay to cut them off from you to protect yourself.
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As harsh as this sounds, I fully agree with this advice.

Praying for you,
 
I can understand why you’re sad. It’s a sad situation.

No, forgiveness is not the same as reconcilliation. It takes one to forgive. It takes two to reconcile. Forgiving is letting go of the offense, its power over your life, and the desire to make the offender pay for the offense. Forgiveness does not mean continuing to tolerate the offending behavior. It does not mean excusing the offending behavior.

You don’t have to make excuses for the offender in order to forgive him or her. You do not have to continue to offer opportunities to re-offend. (Actually, in some cases you may be on morally better ground if you deny the offend the near occasion of sin that being around the temptation of potential victims presents!)

You might find this book enlightening: How to Forgive: A Step-By-Step Guide (by John Monbourquette)

If the person completely lacks empathy, you may be dealing with a sociopath. This is a personality disorder that is often characterized by almost bizarrely spiteful behavior. In this case, it is best to stay off the person’s radar as much as you can. These can be dangerous people. (You could check out “The Sociopath Next Door”, by Martha Stout) It is not true, by the way, that sociopaths simply cannot make moral decisions. It is that they don’t have an emotional connection to other people driving their moral decisions.

If the person might be a sociopath, by all means avoid him or her, but do it as discretely as possible. Do not do this by direct confrontation. The last thing you want is for the person to decide to “show you”! What you want is for them to kind of forget that you exist.
 
Trust me I already reconciled in marriage with someone with a form of NPD/BPD and I lived to regret - fortunately. You NEVER reconcile. You pray for them which will help you forgive over time. A wise priest told me once that forgiving never mean forgetting.
 
kindmama said:
I am struggling trying to forgive someone who has been cruel /mean to me on a repeated basis. This person is not remorseful or apologetic (however- this person lacks complete empathy- I have never witnessed such an unempathetic person in all my 33 years on this planet!)- I have been through a lot of counseling because of the horrid things this person has put me through (and I had allowed this person to treat me this way- until things got worse last December)- my counselor believes this person may have narcisistic personality disorder and he said if someone has that- there will probabbly never be any sincere apology.

So here I am- trying to free myself by forgiving this person. I am working on it. However- does this mean that if I forgive them that I have to reconcile the relationship? (Especially- given the fact that this person is not sorry?)

This is a tough situation for me. I am interested in advice and also concrete information on what the bibles says. (I am new to trying to figure out the bible- I heard the Navarre is a good place to start- but when I went to purchase it- there were a ton of different ones and I am trying to figure out which one to start off with).

***P.S. This person is a family member and after all that is happend I think I can work on forgiving as I know God commands that (even though this is hard)…but as for reconciliation and ever having this toxic person near me or my children (or over for dinner ever again) I don’t see that ever happening again…

Are forgiveness and the actual “reconciliation of a relationship” two different things? I feel like I continously "forgave " this person and allowed them around me and my family and they were never sorry (and actually enjoyed being cruel and always had evil intentions)…until they did some seriously inexcusable things and then I said “ENOUGH.” Now I am trying to work on forgiving this person— but do I have to have this person back in my life? They are not sorry and will continue the toxicness around me and my children.** Is there a part in the bible that talks about protecting yourself from others who have evil inside thier hearts as well?**

I am so torn. and so sad.

Thanks for your help
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Forgiveness and reconciliation are two completely different concepts (IMHO). Forgiveness is the act of saying “You know what, I forgive you for what you did. Its ok.” But it is NOT saying “You know what, I forgive you for what you did, lets be friends again.” You do not have to allow this person to be a part of your life in order to forgive them. You do not have to give them the opportunity to abuse you (mentally or physically) ever again. If you CHOOSE to allow them back into your life, great. If not, thats ok too. But forgiveness is required, see Matthew 6: 9-13. Forgiveness will be granted us in accordance with how we forgive others. That is not to say that an inability to forgive will necessarily be held against us, but an active choice not to forgive may.

I had a similar situation with my father. I find it VERY difficult to forgive him (nearly impossible) but I began to pray that God will forgive him, since I seem to lack the ability. That helped me to come to acceptance of what occurred, and hopefully it will eventually lead me to forgiveness, since anger and hate are such difficult emotions to maintain. Love is like a lamp that finds its own fuel within your soul, while hate and anger are like wildfires that burn everything they touch and eat up anything around them. It is imperative to your own well-being that you forgive this person. Ideally you would forgive them out of love for God, but if forgiveness only comes out of a desire to be completely done with this person then I think that is ok too.

But thats just one man’s opinion.

FSC
 
I may be wrong, but I don’t think we are required to forgive someone who doesn’t want to be forgiven.
After all, God wants to forgive us, but He insists that we ask for it. If we don’t repent and ask forgiveness, it isn’t there. He still loves us, but we need to ASK for forgiveness. God doesn’t force anything on us that we don’t want.
I do not think you need to forgive this person who doesn’t want it. But pray for the person and don’t reciprocate the ill will.
 
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