Please help me

  • Thread starter Thread starter Athanasius
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Athanasius

Guest
I have a question that I really need an answer to.

First of all, I should state up front that I have a problem with scrupulosity, so I don’t know if I have a real problem, or if I’m only being scrupulous (at least as concerns the last part of my problem)….

Anyway, my parents have been married for 28 years ( before I was born). And my sister and brother-in-law have been married for over 10 years. However, the problem is that both my mother and my sister had been married before, got divorced, and then married their current spouses. (I don’t know the marital history of my brother-in-law). Both my parents and my sister are Protestants and have never been Catholics (I don’t know the religious background of my brother-in-law), so my parents believe they are truly married to each other, of course, as does my sister and (I guess) my brother-in-law believe they are truly married to each other.

I am a convert to the Catholic Church, having converted about eight years ago. Ever since I converted, though, whenever their wedding anniversaries would come up, I would still tell them something like “Happy anniversary” and even give them anniversary gifts. To be honest, most of the time whenever I did that, I did it automatically without even thinking about the fact that their marriages would not be considered valid from a Catholic perspective (since I’m so used to them being “married“), and later on when I would think about it, I figured they would realize that since I’m a Catholic, I don’t believe in divorce and remarriage, and so when I would say “Happy anniversary”, they would still realize I don’t believe them to be truly married in the eyes of God, though they believe they are so married; I was simply being courteous (sort of like how I may refer to an Episcopalian bishop as “Bishop so-and-so”, without meaning to imply that he is truly an ordained bishop).

But then it occurred to me: even though I’m a Catholic, my actions may still have been interpreted by them as implying that I believe they are truly married. I don’t know if they have been interpreted in that manner or not, but they might have, and I don’t really know what to do. That’s where I need some advice…

To make sure my actions weren’t misinterpreted, I guess I could tell them “Oh, by the way, I don’t believe you guys are truly married”. Needless to say, that would be kind of hard to work into conversation, and it could cause some tension, to say the least….

If I have to do that, I will, but would it be all right if I just simply stopped wishing them “Happy Anniversary” from now on, and not give them anniversary presents?

And, what really concerns me, is what about anyone else who happens to know that I have wished them happy anniversary and given them anniversary gifts in the past even after I became Catholic? Am I required to make sure that every single person who knows about that (I don’t know how many people that would be), also know that my actions were not meant to imply that I as a Catholic still believed my parents and sister/brother-in law to be truly married? That would be even harder for me.

Anyway, I could really, really use some help. Thanks.
 
I can’t help you there, except to tell you that I have a little bit of the same concern with 2 couples I know. So, you are not the only one.
 
But they **are **married. They are not Catholics therefore they are not obliged to enter into a sacramental marriage, and they aren’t living in sin by Catholic standards.

They are indeed legally married and the anniversary date commemorates that ceremony. To not acknowledge it is to deny the ceremony ever took place.

Just because you’re Catholic now does not bind your siblings and parents to your faith.

Now, my siblings are an entirely different story because they **are **Catholic, born and raised, but married outside the Church. Do I acknowledge their anniversaries? Sure. But not with any religious cards, just the standard, happy XX anniversary…because it is still an anniversary of that occassion.

They are my siblings, I love them, and I pray for them daily. That is my obligation, I am not free to be discourteous or disrespectful to them.

The pain and sadness I feel is mine…not theirs - they are perfectly content in their lives and are convinced they are still on a path to heaven because they are so active in their churches and have raised their children to be religious in their faiths as well. I know the truth of their situation so I pray fervently for their reversion someday.
 
Thanks for your replies, but I am still confused….

But they are married. They are not Catholics therefore they are not obliged to enter into a sacramental marriage, and they aren’t living in sin by Catholic standards.

Both my mother and my sister are divorced, though. So, from what I understand, even though they are not Catholics, they would still be considered married to their first husbands, and so the ones they are living with now are not truly their husbands. Of course, as non-Catholics, they disagree with me, but… (Like I said, I don’t even know the religious background of my brother-in-law).

Whatever the case may be, I am concerned that my actions implied to all involved (including anyone who has even known about me giving them anniversary gifts or congratulating them with “Happy Anniversary“, how ever many people that is) that I believed them to be truly married in the eyes of God. Such was not my intention (I was only trying to be courteous since they believe they are truly married, and I simply assumed they would understand what I really believed), but now I am afraid it is possible that my actions were misinterpreted as implying I also believed them to be truly married to each other (instead of simply trying to be courteous).

So I am curious as to what my obligations are, first to my parents and sister/brother-in-law themselves, to clear up any confusion, and secondly, my obligation to clear up any confusion to how ever many other people may have known my actions and could have misinterpreted them (mostly non-Catholics).

I know the truth of their situation so I pray fervently for their reversion someday.

I will certainly be praying for them as well. I hope everything works out for the best.
 
40.png
Athanasius:
Both my mother and my sister are divorced, though. So, from what I understand, even though they are not Catholics, they would still be considered married to their first husbands, and so the ones they are living with now are not truly their husbands. Of course, as non-Catholics, they disagree with me, but… (Like I said, I don’t even know the religious background of my brother-in-law).

Whatever the case may be, I am concerned that my actions implied to all involved (including anyone who has even known about me giving them anniversary gifts or congratulating them with “Happy Anniversary“, how ever many people that is) that I believed them to be truly married in the eyes of God. Such was not my intention (I was only trying to be courteous since they believe they are truly married, and I simply assumed they would understand what I really believed), but now I am afraid it is possible that my actions were misinterpreted as implying I also believed them to be truly married to each other (instead of simply trying to be courteous).

So I am curious as to what my obligations are, first to my parents and sister/brother-in-law themselves, to clear up any confusion, and secondly, my obligation to clear up any confusion to how ever many other people may have known my actions and could have misinterpreted them (mostly non-Catholics).

I will certainly be praying for them as well. I hope everything works out for the best.
Click to expand...
Were your mother and sister married before in the Catholic Church? If not, then by Catholic standards neither marriage is sacramental…so no, they are not still married to the first husband’s. By our standards they’ve basically been living together with their respective spouses (or is is spice, as in mouse/mice?)

but again, the point is, since neither your mother or sister are Catholic they are not obliged to seek or enter into a sacramental marriage and you should not judge their life choices by Catholic guidelines as if they are bound to follow those.

They most certainly are married legally to each their spouses, and they exchanged vows before God in their own denomination. That at least makes the ceremony legitimate by their denominational standards, but not sacramental.

The thing is, so long as they are living up to the promises they made before God with regard to their marriage, and they are happy, and living good Christian lives, raising children to know God, then why wouldn’t you be happy for them??? I see no reason to press your point of view on them by withholding common courtesy (and acknowledging a special day is common courtesy).

As for my siblings’ situation…thanks for the prayers. The outcome is in the hands of God, as all things are, but I have hope and faith they will see the light before they die. If not, I have a slew of novenas lined up for their funerals.
 
but again, the point is, since neither your mother or sister are Catholic they are not obliged to seek or enter into a sacramental marriage and you should not judge their life choices by Catholic guidelines as if they are bound to follow those.

I was under the impression that for a marriage to be sacramental, those involved only have to be baptized, hence, Protestant marriages can also be sacramental. And even if not both people in each marriage were baptized, they were still valid natural marriages at least. So, from I understand, this isn’t like they weren’t following canon law (which, as non-Catholics, they aren’t bound by), but they weren’t following divine law by getting divorced, which they are bound by. (Of course, as non-Catholics, they would disagree with me that divorce always violates divine law, but…) If I am not under any misunderstandings, that would explain why people who convert to Catholicism must still deal with the issue of annulments and so forth.

Anyway, thank-you for your help.

But I am still confused on what to do now…
 
40.png
Katie1723:
Relax…go to Mass…and pray.
Code: 
                       ~ Kathy ~
Click to expand...
Thank-you for the advice. It is very good.

But is there anything else that I am obligated to do? This is concerning me very greatly…
 
Another thing I am concerned about is that if I do have to do something, do I have to do it as soon as possible? Or could I wait a bit?

Again, if someone could please answer these questions for me, I would greatly appreciate it. I don’t know if I am simply being scrupulous (at least as concerns some aspects of this problem) or not, but as I said, this is greatly worrying me, and I would appreciate any help. Thanks.
 
The marriage that your parents are in now are most certainly not valid because their previous marriage was sacramental, as far as we know. However, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with you saying happy aniversery to them. You are simply recognizing the time that they have spent loving eachother and raising you and your siblings. Although the marriage is not valid, they may ignorant on the issue and actually not be in serious sin over it for that reason. If the topic comes up in conversation (the topic of the validity of their marriages) you could share the truth with them in a non-confrontational manner.
 
40.png
Athanasius:
I have a question that I really need an answer to.
Both my parents and my sister are Protestants and have never been Catholics (I don’t know the religious background of my brother-in-law), so my parents believe they are truly married to each other, of course, as does my sister and (I guess) my brother-in-law believe they are truly married to each other.

I am a convert to the Catholic Church, having converted about eight years ago. .
Click to expand...
non-Catholics are not bound by Catholic Church laws on marriage. The Catholic Church considers there marriages valid until proven otherwise. You are now bound by these laws, and all the laws of the Church however. The Church has no law appointing Catholics as the marriage police for other people. Your parents and sibs are adults in charge of their own lives and moral decisions. You witness to them primarily by your own actions and faithfulness to your new religion, and observance of its precepts.

by the way, welcome Home!. for a very good book on how to deal with family members who don’t believe the same way you do, read Search and Rescue by Patrick Madrid. Rule #1 is love them, honor your parents as the Lord commands.
 
Bottom line, you are not obliged to do anything with regard to anyone elses’ marriages.

You are not committing a sin by acknowledging their anniversaries. You are not contributing to ‘scandal’, if that’s what you’re worried about.

So, redirect your focus and energies on your own spiritual conduct, position and stop looking at other people’s - doing so distracts you from continuing in your own spiritual growth.

Pray to Jesus to help him release this anxiety from your mind and your heart. Ask Him to help you remain focused on your personal relationship with Him, not other peoples’ relationship. And then let the matter go - give it to Christ and truly let go.
 
40.png
Athanasius:
Another thing I am concerned about is that if I do have to do something, do I have to do it as soon as possible? Or could I wait a bit?

Again, if someone could please answer these questions for me, I would greatly appreciate it. I don’t know if I am simply being scrupulous (at least as concerns some aspects of this problem) or not, but as I said, this is greatly worrying me, and I would appreciate any help. Thanks.
Click to expand...
Love your parents, pray for them and say nothing. Live your faith, and, God willing, they may come to see it is the true faith. If that happens, there is help for them to regularize their marriage.
 
Thank-you all for the advice very much. I greatly appreciate it. I also talked with my priest, who also gave me some good advice, so I’m feeling better now.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top