Please share your thoughts with me

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Gillian

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My 42 year old husband of 15 years had a four month long affair with a single woman of 28.

I had my suspicions the second month in, but because he has traveled several nights a week our entire marriage I have always feared the temptation would get to him the minute I let my guard down. Silly, I know. The third month, I was starting to do some detective work. I also sat him down for a “how are we doing talk?” At that time he began to break it off. His selfishness and fear of her telling me kept him from breaking it off clean.

Although she was dating another man for three years at the time she first had sex with my husband, she broke it off with him in the second month and began professing her love to my husband. Her strong feeling for my husband led her to expect a legitmate relationship and to do some things to try to make their relationship known to me and my children.

Not as justification, but as points - at no time did my husband lead her to believe he would be leaving me, “dating” her or taking her in public in anyway. When she broke up with her boyfriend - he expressed his empathy for her. When she mentioned she was going to join a dating service, he encouraged it. She became so enraged when he told her he could no longer see her, she became violent. But as I said, his fear and selfishness led him to the decision to try to allow the break up to be her idea.

In the fourth month, I found her and called her. I know. What was I thinking? She denied everything and basically told me I was pathetic. She then forwarded some of their emails to me. Needless to say, during a time when all I needed was to try to heal and pray and work things through with my husband, who needed to do his own healing and praying, this woman went out of her way to make my life as painful as she could.

One month after my husband ended the affair, she became engage to the man she cheated on to be with my husband.

He has since moved in with her, and they are planning their wedding and looking for a Catholic Church to get married in.
I know the Catholic position on fornication and adultery, but let’s face it, a woman like this is not likely to admit to a priest or a perspective parish that this is what the last year of her life has been like.

I know I should forgive her and move on. But it simply isn’t that simple.
 
I think it might be easier to forgive her if you don’t worry so much about what she’s doing with her life. Pray for her. Hope for her repentance and conversion to happen before she hurts anyone else. But don’t let yourself think so much about her and the choices she makes, or what kind of person she is, other than to pray she makes right choices in the sight of God. I know that might have been easier had you never let yourself have personal contact with her. I’m so sorry you had to experience this terrible ordeal.

May God grant you strength during this very difficult time. I hope the best for you and your husband.
 
In no circumstance should you “go public” to the priest who will marry them or get involved with the that process in any way. Revenge, even when it is not seen as revenge, is not sweet. God will take care of her in the long run. I am sorry for your pain and will include you and your husband in my prayers.
 
rwoehmke said:
In no circumstance should you “go public” to the priest who will marry them or get involved with the that process in any way. Revenge, even when it is not seen as revenge, is not sweet. God will take care of her in the long run. I am sorry for your pain and will include you and your husband in my prayers.
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I’m no scholar, but I don’t understand this perspective. If I am a witness to sin - if this person committed a sin against my marriage - how is this revenge? Could you please explain in more detail?

Thanks for your prayers.
 
Also, letting her take the Eucharist, and, letting her get him problems for life, and perhaps helping a divorce- I think you absolutely must inform the priest, I’d print the emails and tell him, but it depends who he is (I of course would keep the emails and only show him). The Gospel demands we put JUSTICE and MERCY first, if she is not sorry, God does not require forgiveness, he himself does not forgive un-sorry people, so there is no fear. Catholic answers is one of many to address the issue. you owe the spouse, the priest, and perhaps the community the truth, though do it prudently and intelligently. Saint Paul tells the Christians to avoid one person, to kick out another, the church also does such things, but your job is to get her the information, this is a duty, not a acting of vengeance.👍 :cool: 👍
 
Firstly, here are the circumstance in which revealing others sin is wrong, that is not the case with you, but read this all!!! The sin of wrong revealing is what is called, what we know of as “Detraction”:

"2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.277 He becomes guilty:
  • of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
  • of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;278
  • of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them." The worldwide, official teaching of the Catechism of the catholic church with imprimaturhttp://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_P8K.HTM
the specifics are again laid out in the Baltimore Catechism, also with Imprimatur:

"Q. 1311. What are rash judgment, backbiting, slander and detraction?

A. Rash judgment is believing a person guilty of sin without a sufficient cause. Backbiting is saying evil things of another in his absence. Slander is telling lies about another with the intention of injuring him. Detraction is revealing the sins of another without necessity.

Q. 1312. Is it ever allowed to tell the faults of another?

A. It is allowed to tell the faults of another when it is necessary to make them known to his parents or superiors, that the faults may be corrected and the wrong doer prevented from greater sin.

Q. 1313. What is tale-bearing, and why is it wrong?

A. Tale-bearing is the act of telling persons what others have said about them, especially if the things said be evil. It is wrong, because it gives rise to anger, hatred and ill-will, and is often the cause of greater sins.

Q. 1314. What must they do who have lied about their neighbor and seriously injured his character?

A. They who have lied about their neighbor and seriously injured his character must repair the injury done as far as they are able, otherwise they will not be forgiven."

catholicnewsagency.com/resource.php?n=471

God bless.
 
Firstly, here are the circumstance in which revealing others sin is wrong, that is not the case with you, but read this all!!! The sin of wrong revealing is what is called, what we know of as “Detraction”:

"2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.277 He becomes guilty:
  • of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
  • of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;278
  • of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them." The worldwide, official teaching of the Catechism of the catholic church with imprimaturhttp://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_P8K.HTM
the specifics are again laid out in the Baltimore Catechism, also with Imprimatur:

"Q. 1311. What are rash judgment, backbiting, slander and detraction?

A. Rash judgment is believing a person guilty of sin without a sufficient cause. Backbiting is saying evil things of another in his absence. Slander is telling lies about another with the intention of injuring him. Detraction is revealing the sins of another without necessity.

Q. 1312. Is it ever allowed to tell the faults of another?

A. It is allowed to tell the faults of another when it is necessary to make them known to his parents or superiors, that the faults may be corrected and the wrong doer prevented from greater sin.

Q. 1313. What is tale-bearing, and why is it wrong?

A. Tale-bearing is the act of telling persons what others have said about them, especially if the things said be evil. It is wrong, because it gives rise to anger, hatred and ill-will, and is often the cause of greater sins.

Q. 1314. What must they do who have lied about their neighbor and seriously injured his character?

A. They who have lied about their neighbor and seriously injured his character must repair the injury done as far as they are able, otherwise they will not be forgiven."

catholicnewsagency.com/resource.php?n=471

God bless.

Further, for the person who forbid her just acting in God:

“2480 Every word or attitude is forbidden which by flattery, adulation, or complaisance encourages and confirms another in malicious acts and perverse conduct. Adulation is a grave fault if it makes one an accomplice in another’s vices or grave sins. Neither the desire to be of service nor friendship justifies duplicitous speech. Adulation is a venial sin when it only seeks to be agreeable, to avoid evil, to meet a need, or to obtain legitimate advantages.”
vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_P8K.HTM
 
Gillian said:
I’m no scholar, but I don’t understand this perspective. If I am a witness to sin - if this person committed a sin against my marriage - how is this revenge? Could you please explain in more detail?

Thanks for your prayers.
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I do admire you for being willing to work through this terrible situation. However, although MA makes some good points, I have to agree with rwoehmke, not so much because I would see it as revenge, but because you don’t know that she hasn’t gone to confession and made things right. This is between her and God. Printing e-mails and giving them to the priest would put him in a difficult position if he is not the woman’s confessor. That would be no different than providing evidence of any other serious sin committed by anyone in the congregation to the priest in an effort to keep them from the Sacraments. Would you also inform the priest of your husband’s actions and insist that he not receive the Eucharist until he’s gone to confession? I just see this as very problematic.

I also agree with BeeSweet!. For your sake, I would avoid any knowledge of what she is doing with her life. I had a serious betrayal of equivalent severity when I was a young man. I had to make a decision to forgive the person and I didn’t feel it for a long time. However, forgiveness is an act of the will, not an emotion. The emotions come eventually, but the key is to make an act of forgiveness with your will and then every time Satan tries to remind you of what this person did, remind him that you’ve forgiven that person. Eventually, it won’t be as difficult and you might truly be able to wish the best for this person. It took me years, but I can honestly say that I bear no ill will towards the person who betrayed me.
 
JimO said:
you don’t know that she hasn’t gone to confession and made things right.

Would you also inform the priest of your husband’s actions and insist that he not receive the Eucharist until he’s gone to confession? I just see this as very problematic.
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Exactomundo.

The relationship between this woman and her husband-to-be is none of your or any of our business, nor is her relationship to the Almighty and vice versa.

Forget about her and concentrate on your own marriage.
 
Just to clear up a few points: I was not the one who mentioned sending the emails to her priest. That was just a way of illustrating what this person has done to cause pain.
Would you also inform the priest of your husband’s actions and insist that he not receive the Eucharist until he’s gone to confession?
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This is simply insulting. Our priest is quite aware of my husband’s deeds and our situation. As is our marriage counselor, so I AM focusing on our my marriage. But thanks for the thoughts.

It is very difficult to know that this person with such a blatant disregard for the sacrament of marriage, for my marriage and her own impending marriage - who has caused such harm to so many people - will just do so.
 
Gillian said:
This is simply insulting. Our priest is quite aware of my husband’s deeds and our situation. As is our marriage counselor, so I AM focusing on our my marriage. But thanks for the thoughts.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you. I don’t particularly like corresponding in the informal written form that comprises e-mails and posts like these. Too much is lost or misunderstood in the communication. I guess the point I was addressing was one that an earlier poster suggested. I should have addressed the question to the poster, such as “Would you have her…?”
 
Whether she confesses or not, forgive her.
Your forgiveness also matters.
*If she doesn’t, you can somewhat lessen her evil footprint if you forgive her, because one part of her impact consists in sowing grief in your soul. Thus you will stop the propagation of the shockwaves of her evil act. Let her remain guilty of she knows what but not of saddening you.
*If she goes to confession, she will either forget to check if people she wronged against have forgiven her or feel uneasy of actually apologising. And it is not fine to confess such interpersonal issues before God till one has tried to get reconciled with those they may have hurt. So, do not expect she comes and apologises and forgive her in absentia. God will appreciate your assistance, your participation in making her confession easy. I would not feel 100% OK after a confession if I knew that some people were still suffering from my wrongdoings. It is she who sinned gravely, it is she who is in trouble. The best you can do is to forgive: anything less is uncertainty, anything more is bustle (because, as some here have answered, nobody save herself and her priest knows whether she has or not confessed and if she is ready to receive).
 
FRATER PAVLVS
Whether she confesses or not, forgive her.
Your forgiveness also matters.
*If she doesn’t, you can somewhat lessen her evil footprint if you forgive her, because one part of her impact consists in sowing grief in your soul. Thus you will stop the propagation of the shockwaves of her evil act. Let her remain guilty of she knows what but not of saddening you.
*If she goes to confession, she will either forget to check if people she wronged against have forgiven her or feel uneasy of actually apologising. And it is not fine to confess such interpersonal issues before God till one has tried to get reconciled with those they may have hurt. So, do not expect she comes and apologises and forgive her in absentia. God will appreciate your assistance, your participation in making her confession easy. I would not feel 100% OK after a confession if I knew that some people were still suffering from my wrongdoings. It is she who sinned gravely, it is she who is in trouble. The best you can do is to forgive: anything less is uncertainty, anything more is bustle.
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I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your words really spoke to me. I have to say I have not allowed myself to even consider forgiving her. I have left out a great many details of how this person has gone out of her way to cause me pain. As you can imagine, my husband’s betrayal and the breaking of our vows and all the ways in which this has impacted me spiritually and emotionally are excrutiating enough. To have this amoral twit call me pathetic for having a cheating husband and to tell me my life is meanless, well that just sent me over the edge. It made me focus too much on my anger for her and not enough on what she really needs; my forgiveness. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, she’s done plenty to inspire fantasies of revenge. But I see more clearly now what path I need to walk in regard to her.

Thank you again. And please, please keep me in your prayers.

JimO, I’m sorry if I over-reacted. I’m something of a walking sore these days.

Peace.
 
All that’s been said, in the position of a male person, and catholic, I think that husband should be allowed to know, before the marriage, least another annulment results, or else, he loses faith, or divorces her. That is the reason I objected in the first place, he needs to know, even if the priest isn’t objecting, if he knows, and the priest is still consenting, and the husband wants to go ahead, by all means, wash your hands of the situation, if that is where God leads you, but forgiveness and absolution are not one, forgive her, but descern, she is about to do allot of harm, or at least that is the view of psychologists on those who do such. The husband would be severely wronged not to know. You participate in her sin, by not revealing it, when necessary, and you are able. Forgive, yes, forget, no. Forgive, yes, absolve, no- you are still a servant, perhaps you had your problem to save the husband’s soul.

Remember, this is only an internet board, otherwise, ask the apologists at CAF.👍
 
Gillian you are in my prayers and Masses. It seems to be a Catholic Life thread, but I’m glad you’ve asked our prayers. I don’t know how you could have endured such a situation, but I ask God to help you and your husband in every way possible. I admire your courage and forgiveness and thank God for that.
 
***+JMJTJ+

You and your husband will be in my prayers.***

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon us, and increase Your mercy in us, so that in difficult moments we might not despair, nor become despondent, but with great confidence, submit ourselves to Your Holy Will, which is Love and Mercy itself. Amen
**
 
I made so many mistakes in life too. I know I’ve repented of them but the misery has remained. I guess all that’s left for you to do is to forgive her and have mercy on her soul. Pray for her. Thank God too that He has given you a chance to share in His sufferings and to pray for this woman’s conversion. You’re very lucky it wasn’t you who sinned against God.
 
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