Porn Threads

[AHapka]

It is with interest that I have been reading some of the porn threads that have been posted as of late. I have struggled with this issue myself in the past, and would like to make a few points.

I think many women have trouble understanding this issue because it is (almost) exclusively a male issue. I don’t know if it’s that most women don’t feel lust (in general), or that it just has no appeal for them.

For me, it became an issue with my brothers when at age 11 (funny how you still remember the first time you encounter something) when my brothers were looking at it…and if I still wanted to be friends with them, I had to, too…and at that age, you want to be liked. When you start something that young, and it’s so prevalent in your family…it’s all you know…you don’t know any different.

So anyway, became a long period of many years of looking at porn. It is only in the last two years that I have finally had some serious success in conquering the sin. Well, who am I kidding…it’s Jesus conquering it, not me.

Anyway, for those of you wives who may wish to help your husbands, I offer the following suggestions:

1. You didn’t commit the sin, nor did your attention/lack of attention/or anything you did lead them to sin. It has nothing to do with our DW, it’s a whole other struggle. Many of us who have struggled with this love our wives dearly, and we pray for freedom from this temptation every night. And during Mass, we pray. Please pray for us.
2. I finally realized what Jesus meant when he said “if your arm causes you to sin, cut it off.” It means we need to cut off the occasion of sin. To that end, I have installed filtering software on my computer to which my wife only has the password. Thus, if I am tempted, I cannot go to those websites. I would HIGHLY, HIGHLY suggest to any husband struggling with these issues to do this. I know it means we men need to suck it up and admit we are quite powerless, and give something up, but its worth it.
3. Frequent use of the Sacrament of Confession. And I do mean frequent, if need be. If he’s embarrassed to go to your parish priest, he should go to another…but go. Praying to Mary to help you see women as they should be seen really has a big impact, too.
4. An emotional connection. When I felt the closest emotionally to my wife is what helped the most, not just the physical closeness.
5. A forgiving attitude when we are struggling. Note that forgiveness does not mean license. We don’t expect you to forget. But when you see we are really attempting to repent and change and do things right, please forgive us. I don’t mean that we should not be accountable, by any means. But do forgive falls, implement ways to avoid future falls, and don’t bring it up forever and a day in an argument.
6. Psychological help when needed. I know us men are loath to go to the doctor, much less a psych doctor. But the fact is, whether or not you consider porn an addiction or not, it is an indicator of a far deeper problem. Both individual and marriage counseling is very helpful, and humbling, too. Of course, be sure to find someone who respects Catholic beliefs (i.e. when your counselor says “but 90% of men do it” and you have to explain why it’s objectively sinful, well, that turns a counseling appointment into an apologetics session).
7. Help us not to fall into the sin of despair. It’s very common following a fall or a lifetime of what we have done. I cannot count how many times I have felt that I cannot be saved, no matter what. Reading the following quote from St. Faustina is certainly helpful “Jesus: My child, all your sins have not wounded My Heart as painfully as your present lack of trust does - that after so many efforts of My love and mercy, you should still doubt My goodness.” Help us to find such spiritually good reading to help us prevent from moving from one sin to another.

Ok, I’m finished opening my soul on the Internet, but if it helps one person, it’s worth it

 

[Simon_X]

I can’t really add anything. I agree with everything you’ve posted. Yes, this is a hugh issue and a big struggle for most men. Spiritually, it’s a battle that we fight daily with the evil one. But everything you’ve mentioned, prayer (rosary is great), frequent confession, Holy Communion (I might add), avoiding occasion of sin, ect…is great advice. I agree women probably don’t quite understand this problem as well as men. But this sin can be over come. The many threads we see posted here and the calls for advice and prayers certainly supports everything you’ve said.

I’ve touched on this before in other threads, but I believe this is an area Satan uses to pull us away from God. It is very much like standing on the edge of hell when you’re involved in this stuff (guys will know what that means).

Anyway, yes, there is hope and we must pray and support each other…

 

[Consecrated]

Thank you, that was beautiful. Esp. the part about Divine Mercy.

may God continue to bless your marriage.

 

[duskyjewel]

I know of one way we women can help prevent this going into the future: start flogging any and all fathers we catch introducing our precious, innocent young boys to this sludge.

AHapka, thank you for baring your soul. Stuff like this helps the mother of sons in being vigilant to protect her little guys. Cuz they won’t be little for long…

 

[Dameedna]

That’s a wonderful Post.

I’m sorry that you have had to deal with this very destructive addiction.

One more thing I would add, into the mix, is for people to try and understand what is actually going on, physically that can cause the addiction to porn in the first place. I understand why men will enjoy it. What is a bit more confusing is how addictive it can be.

It is no surprise that your first exposure as a young, hormonal boy, caused you to end up with an adult addiction to this issue.

I am so impressed by your strength and desire to overcome it.
Keep working on it. The more you do, the easier it will become. Good luck to you

 

[TallyCatholic]

Thanks for the post, I too believe this is a larger issue than any thinks. I mean if you have a drug problem, or a drinking problem is noble to admit it and get help and recover. But if you say you have a porn addiciton/sex addiction it is very hard for someone to understand that.

I recommend anyone struggling with this to go check out www.recoverynation.com which has a huge online recovery program plus partner’s forum and addicts forums. It is not a catholic based site but this isn’t purely a catholic based problem.

I would suggest for men to actually go and read the women’s forum and see how hurt they are. Their stories are really sobering.

Here are a few other boards that you can read about.

npsupport.net/community/

blazinggrace.org/forums/

christianforums.com/f214-pornography-addiction-support.html

Hope that helps, and thanks for starting this thread. I think one thing for wives and partner’s to understand is that for many this truely is an addiction (I know that phrase has been debated here) but its amazing how addicted and destructive some of these poor individuals are.

 

[Milliardo]

I don’t know if it’s that most women don’t feel lust (in general), or that it just has no appeal for them.

Porn is almost directed towards men, so unless a woman has bisexual tendencies, it will not appeal to them. The same is true when us men see Playgirl–it has no appeal to us.

1. You didn’t commit the sin, nor did your attention/lack of attention/or anything you did lead them to sin.

This is only partly true; lack of emotional and/or physical connection will lead a man towards porn, since we know the usual outcome of watching porn (self gratification). A number do that because they don’t find much fulfillment in their sexual lives, and turn to porn to momentarily have that gratification that they don’t find. This is an issue that needs to be resolved by the couple. Talking about it will certainly help.

 

[TallyCatholic]

This is only partly true; lack of emotional and/or physical connection will lead a man towards porn, since we know the usual outcome of watching porn (self gratification)

I think out of respsect for those couples who are struggling with porn and sex addictions we need to be very careful when trying to place blame anywhere.

A lot of men who have these types of problems actually formed them young in life way before they even got married.

Just a word of caution because I think there can be damage by making assumptions that may or may not neccessarily be present.

Although I am not a mod so please just take my words with a grain of salt, but I feel this is a very important conversation to have.

 

[Milliardo]

I think out of respsect for those couples who are struggling with porn and sex addictions we need to be very careful when trying to place blame anywhere.

Yes, but we have to say it as it is; yes many men most likely have this problem since they were young, but that doesn’t mean a lack of emotional and/or physical connection isn’t causing it as well. It will cause it, or make it worse. Knowing what causes it will lead to a solution most proper for it. Treating things with kid gloves will not help at all. I’m not blaming anyone here, but simply saying that this is one reason why men to porn.

 

[TallyCatholic]

Treating things with kid gloves will not help at all. I’m not blaming anyone here, but simply saying that this is one reason why men to porn.

Excuse me but there is not reason to be insulting. Kid gloves implies ignorance and lack of authority. Just the opposite my friend. Go read some information before you start assuming.

Yes lack of intimacy in a marriage has a deleterious affect, however that is only a trigger, not the CAUSE of a porn addiction. I am through with this thread, I was hoping this forum would be able to respectfully and accurately talk about this problem with so many men, but it appears it can’t. Thanks.

 

[yessisan]

AHapka, great post! Thank you for posting and opening up to us!!

Yes, but we have to say it as it is; yes many men most likely have this problem since they were young, but that doesn’t mean a lack of emotional and/or physical connection isn’t causing it as well. It will cause it, or make it worse. Knowing what causes it will lead to a solution most proper for it. Treating things with kid gloves will not help at all. I’m not blaming anyone here, but simply saying that this is one reason why men to porn.

I am with the ones who say lack of emotional/physical connection doesn’t cause it (well, at least not always). I was a newly wed 2 yrs ago, and you know what that means physical-wise, and my husband was watching porn (videos and pictures online) w/in a month of our wedding. How can that be lack of connection? No man has more attention (emotional and physical) from his wife than the first few months after their wedding. I do believe it’s a broader problem and one that usually starts at a young age and the men (most, not all) fall for this since they’ve been accustomed to it.

 

[Milliardo]

Excuse me but there is not reason to be insulting. Kid gloves implies ignorance and lack of authority. Just the opposite my friend. Go read some information before you start assuming.

No, I am not insulting; I simply mean that we should not treat this thing lightly. Porn is an addiction, but its root cause is often loneliness and/or boredom. An adult will more likely go into pron because of this feeling of loneliness than because of the feeling he gets from gratification (that one becomes secondary, or should be).

Yes lack of intimacy in a marriage has a deleterious affect, however that is only a trigger, not the CAUSE of a porn addiction.

Trigger=cause. It’s a mere play with words, but would boil down to the same thing.

I am through with this thread, I was hoping this forum would be able to respectfully and accurately talk about this problem with so many men, but it appears it can’t. Thanks.

There’s much respect in my post; I think you just misinterpreted what I wrote.

 

[Asillia]

A trigger and a cause are not the same thing. Many people may experience the ‘trigger’ of a lack of connection with their spouse, but not all of them will turn to porn. Only the ones that have some other deep seated issue (the real cause) will, and that I think has to do with the person’s character, the habits and philosophies they built when they were younger, if they already had the addiction established before they were married, etc.

To say that the woman’s lack of affection is the cause of a porn addiction is transferring the blame and refusing to address the real issue, and refusing accountability.

This is not to say that it is not also a woman’s (and a man’s too of course) responsibility in a marriage to be affectionate - if there is a lack of affection on her part that IS a bad thing because the woman is not giving of herself like she should, and perhaps in some cases it does make other sins more attractive. But it’s not what is causing the porn addiction, and I can tell you that even if the woman IS being affectionate, if the man has a porn addiction he will STILL turn to it It’s also hard to even WANT to be affectionate with somebody you feel doesn’t even appreciate it (however illogical that feeling may be).

My priest once told me that the desire porn satisfies and the desire normal affection (and marital sex) satisfies are different desires. A wife’s affection shouldn’t actually satisfy the porn desire. So if a man IS struggling with a porn addiction, no amount of affection from the wife is going to fix it, unless he starts viewing her the same way he views the porn, and that is not a real solution to the problem.