Pornography VS. Marriage

[ned2628]

Hello all, this is my first time posting on any type of forums. As of December by husband and I will be married for 3 years. Before we got married I found an old cell phone and caught him sexting. He has always been open with me about his addiction to porn, and he really has struggled with it for a while now. Well this past weekend I caught him again. Apparently viewing porn never stopped completely and he says this has been the only time since last catching him that he has sexted with someone. I have read others posts about similar issues, however they are pretty old. Can anyone guide me as to what I can do as a wife to help our marriage. I believe that my husband does love me and that this is an addiction. I just don’t want to make the matter worse. Any help or guidance would be much appreciated.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Hello all, this is my first time posting on any type of forums. As of December by husband and I will be married for 3 years. Before we got married I found an old cell phone and caught him sexting. He has always been open with me about his addiction to porn, and he really has struggled with it for a while now. Well this past weekend I caught him again. Apparently viewing porn never stopped completely and he says this has been the only time since last catching him that he has sexted with someone. I have read others posts about similar issues, however they are pretty old. Can anyone guide me as to what I can do as a wife to help our marriage. I believe that my husband does love me and that this is an addiction. I just don’t want to make the matter worse. Any help or guidance would be much appreciated.

I happened to be listening to Catholic radio the other day, and the guest on a call-in show was Dr. Peter Kleponis, who is a world renowned expert in the area of pornography addiction. He has a book, Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle against Pornography, and also a website, www.integrityrestored.com, that offer help to Catholics struggling with pornography addiction, and also to their spouses. Perhaps those resources would be a good starting place. Good luck to you.

 

[ned2628]

Thank you for your quick response. I attempted to contact Dr. keep on is however I have not heard back from him. I did however show my husband his site. Thanks such for your kind words!

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

First of all, there is difference between sexting and viewing porn. The former is more analogous with cheating imo.
I think you may need to have an open and honest dialog about this. The two of you should agree to not get upset and both be open so that you can articulate clearly why this is a problem for you and he can explain why he does it.

With luck, maybe there will be some solution that isn’t about being punitive but about supporting his efforts to solve this.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Has he shown any desire to stop? I have been dealing with an addiction to pornography for a number of years, and my wife has been supportive because she knows I’m trying to stop. If he’s not to that point yet, you may want to look into filtering software…

The sexting thing is a whole other issue that I can’t give you advice on… that’s a problem that you two need to address together.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Sexting and porn are totally different. Sexting means that he was texting someone sexual things. To me, that is worse than porn. He personally knows someone and is close enough to said person to text about sex. Yeah, no. If I caught my husband sexting, he would see a lunatic.

 

[MaryT777]

I happened to be listening to Catholic radio the other day, and the guest on a call-in show was Dr. Peter Kleponis, who is a world renowned expert in the area of pornography addiction. He has a book, Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle against Pornography, and also a website, www.integrityrestored.com, that offer help to Catholics struggling with pornography addiction, and also to their spouses. Perhaps those resources would be a good starting place. Good luck to you.

Thanks for posting these links that could help others…I hope they are beneficial to the OP and also those lurking.
Mary.

 

[SlightlySceptic]

Hi, I’m not married and I don’t know if this is relevant, but maybe there is a way to taper it down.

I’ve heard of these more “softcore” type videos where the focus is on bringing couples together and the companies say they use actual couples who volunteer and it’s supposed to be more theraputic than arousing. Again, I’m not an expert, but I think they used to put ads for it in the weekly flyers.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Hi, I’m not married and I don’t know if this is relevant, but maybe there is a way to taper it down.

I’ve heard of these more “softcore” type videos where the focus is on bringing couples together and the companies say they use actual couples who volunteer and it’s supposed to be more theraputic than arousing. Again, I’m not an expert, but I think they used to put ads for it in the weekly flyers.

No offense, but this is a terrible idea. It doesn’t matter how “softcore” it is, it’s still pornography, and will still elicit the same physiological response as any other type of pornography.

 

[987mk]

I believe that my husband does love me and that this is an addiction.

An addiction to sending sexual messages to another woman and receiving sexual messages in return?

I find that very hard to believe.

Sexting without the informed consent and agreement of the spouse is deceitful. I view it as having an emotional affair.

Sexting is a different activity than passively looking at pornography.

I am an alcoholic in recovery. If I choose to drink, it is not my addiction that makes me take that first drink, I am the only one responsible for making the choice to have that first drink.

Don’t make excuses for his choice to send a sexual message to another woman.

 

[Justme321]

Hello.

I am the guilty party in this marriage, and I wanted to clear a few things up.

EnglishTeacher, thank you. I mentioned to my wife yesterday about wanting that book. Now that you have posted it, pretty clear Im going to get it.

ProdglArchitech. Yes, I have always had a strong desire to stop. I just stopped trying after all of my prayers went unheard. I was hating myself, with so much guilt and it was bringing me down. I just decided to accept that I could go look at pictures and just live with this particular sin.

DendraDZ1902, no this was not someone I personally know, I will explain below.

SlightlySceptic. My issue is the intense desire to fulfill myself. Thank you for the suggestion but I do not believe this will help.

987mk, see below about sexting.

Read this

netaddiction.com/cybersex-cyberpron/

Porn is a sex addiction, and there’s more to sex addiction than dirty pictures.

Before my wife, I was big into pictures, cyber sex, and phone sex.

I don’t know how to say this other than I realize they are two different kind of drinks, but its still alcohol. No pun intended 987mk, I truly mean that. You quoted where she mentioned that she believes her husband does love her and this is an addiction, shes right on both accounts. There were no emotions in this exchange. You are correct though, I was deceitful.

There was no other way of describing what happened, other than calling it sexting. However, this was not someone I know and someone I had never talked to before. There are social networking sites where you log on to meet and talk to people to just have fun. To make a long story short, I found one of them. I looked for the first girl who I felt may have low self esteem, and started building her up. Telling her this and that about how great she looked. My efforts were only to get some pictures to me.

Not only a struggling with porn, but a grade A douche bag in the process.

There was no emotional affair. Even now, I do not know this woman’s name.

The real problem came when I found myself spending hours online, trying to do something that took 3 minutes when I was 16. I would log on, and start looking… and looking… and looking. The next thing I know, its 2 in the morning and Ive spent my entire night wasted away.

I cant say enough how great my wife is. I’d rather lose the addiction, than her.

 

[987mk]

Don’t blame an addiction for the choices you are making.

Own your actions and take steps to change.

Best of luck.

 

[MaryT777]

Hello.

I am the guilty party in this marriage, and I wanted to clear a few things up.

EnglishTeacher, thank you. I mentioned to my wife yesterday about wanting that book. Now that you have posted it, pretty clear Im going to get it.

ProdglArchitech. Yes, I have always had a strong desire to stop. I just stopped trying after all of my prayers went unheard. I was hating myself, with so much guilt and it was bringing me down. I just decided to accept that I could go look at pictures and just live with this particular sin.

DendraDZ1902, no this was not someone I personally know, I will explain below.

SlightlySceptic. My issue is the intense desire to fulfill myself. Thank you for the suggestion but I do not believe this will help.

987mk, see below about sexting.

Read this

netaddiction.com/cybersex-cyberpron/

Porn is a sex addiction, and there’s more to sex addiction than dirty pictures.

Before my wife, I was big into pictures, cyber sex, and phone sex.

I don’t know how to say this other than I realize they are two different kind of drinks, but its still alcohol. No pun intended 987mk, I truly mean that. You quoted where she mentioned that she believes her husband does love her and this is an addiction, shes right on both accounts. There were no emotions in this exchange. You are correct though, I was deceitful.

There was no other way of describing what happened, other than calling it sexting. However, this was not someone I know and someone I had never talked to before. There are social networking sites where you log on to meet and talk to people to just have fun. To make a long story short, I found one of them. I looked for the first girl who I felt may have low self esteem, and started building her up. Telling her this and that about how great she looked. My efforts were only to get some pictures to me.

Not only a struggling with porn, but a grade A douche bag in the process.

There was no emotional affair. Even now, I do not know this woman’s name.

The real problem came when I found myself spending hours online, trying to do something that took 3 minutes when I was 16. I would log on, and start looking… and looking… and looking. The next thing I know, its 2 in the morning and Ive spent my entire night wasted away.

I cant say enough how great my wife is. I’d rather lose the addiction, than her.

Yes, you do have a great wife and she is very supportive of you in hour hope to lose the addiction so I hope the suggestions in the website and book will help assist you to be
porn free soon.

With all God all things are possible…
God bless you and your wife,
Mary.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Hello.

I am the guilty party in this marriage, and I wanted to clear a few things up.

This is a rarity ^^ Welcome. I do hope you are not upset with your wife for seeking guidance. I hope we are able to help you both.

ProdglArchitech. Yes, I have always had a strong desire to stop. I just stopped trying after all of my prayers went unheard. I was hating myself, with so much guilt and it was bringing me down. I just decided to accept that I could go look at pictures and just live with this particular sin.

I know what you’re going through on that end. I went through a similar experience a couple years ago, the weight of the sin was absolutely crushing, and my absolute inability to resists was… troubling. I have since found a good group of men who deal with a similar problem and it has had a profound affect on me. I’m not clear of the sin by any means, but the struggle has gotten easier to handle, and the periods of success are getting longer. No matter what, don’t “accept” a sin. Admit you’re addicted, admit that you can’t control yourself, admit that you are likely going to fail for a while, but never give in on account of any of those things. The minute we stop fighting this sin is the minute we’re lost.

Read this

netaddiction.com/cybersex-cyberpron/

I will, it’s always nice to learn more about our particular vice and its affects on us.

Porn is a sex addiction, and there’s more to sex addiction than dirty pictures.

Before my wife, I was big into pictures, cyber sex, and phone sex.

I don’t know how to say this other than I realize they are two different kind of drinks, but its still alcohol. No pun intended 987mk, I truly mean that. You quoted where she mentioned that she believes her husband does love her and this is an addiction, shes right on both accounts. There were no emotions in this exchange. You are correct though, I was deceitful.

There was no other way of describing what happened, other than calling it sexting. However, this was not someone I know and someone I had never talked to before. There are social networking sites where you log on to meet and talk to people to just have fun. To make a long story short, I found one of them. I looked for the first girl who I felt may have low self esteem, and started building her up. Telling her this and that about how great she looked. My efforts were only to get some pictures to me.

Not only a struggling with porn, but a grade A douche bag in the process.

There was no emotional affair. Even now, I do not know this woman’s name.

I’m glad you realize just how bad this was…

The real problem came when I found myself spending hours online, trying to do something that took 3 minutes when I was 16. I would log on, and start looking… and looking… and looking. The next thing I know, its 2 in the morning and Ive spent my entire night wasted away.

Yeah… it’s a really rotten feeling isn’t it, realizing that not only have you just given it, but to top it off you wasted a whole bunch of time doing it when you know there are other things that, now that your mind is clear, you’d rather be doing.

I cant say enough how great my wife is. I’d rather lose the addiction, than her.

The best advice I can give you is to go to confession frequently. The second best I can give is to seek out a group of men who are trying to get over this addiction. If you live in the DFW area (Dallas / Forth Worth TX), I’d suggest the St. Augustine’s Men’s Purity Group. If you live elsewhere, there is probably a group around you. My group has helped me get farther than my individual efforts ever have. You should also look into the program Covenant Eyes. It’s a web filter that will alter your accountability partner whenever you visit or attempt to visit pornographic websites. It’s not pleasant, but that fear of discovery is a great deterrent. The downside is that it has a monthly fee… There are other solutions though, OpenDNS is a good one.

You should stick around the forums ^^

 

[dixhuit]

To the OP and spouse:

“A man’s real being, his very nature, his real mettle, is seen not when a man thinks he isn’t being watched but when he KNOWS he isn’t being watched.” --Jesuit Priest in confessional to me

One web site or phrase to google: your brain on porn / yourbrainonporn.com I think is the site.

It deals with the scientific reality of porn addiction.

YES, sexting is not the same as cheating, but its certainly a step in that direction. Look at people like Anthony Weiner - he knew it was a REALLY dumb idea, did it any way.

Other addictions are similar. One that comes to mind is alcholism. It makes zero sense to daily get in the car and drive it trashed. But eventually the DUI will get them. Sometimes it takes years.

Porn addiction for teens today is VERY bad. They grow up with instant access to an ulimited supply of porn. I’ve known porn ‘actors’ and ‘actresses’ in my former non-Cathoilc days. Trust me, the money is LONG gone from porn. They aren’t there for the money. They are there for the experience. Noone makes any real $$ from porn anymore b/c the vids are all online and free if you just google around a bit.

So teens get imprinted to be attracted to pixels and not to real, live women. So when they become men and get a REAL woman with them, there is no erection sometimes. For some boys the only way to fix this is no porn, no orgasm, no masturbation, no porn-fantasization (replaying porn in your head) for 100 days. Then they have a better chance to get an erection. THAT is why what used to take 3 mins is now taking hours.

Also, you get that DEATH GRIP when you are addicted. Here’s a clue why. We were evolutionarily ‘bred’ to see a few dozen women in a lifetime. Not an endless array of tehm one after the other doing pretty much the same thing (name your fetish - there’s plenty of girls doing it if it isn’t too obscure). WHen you get porn up your brain is NOT designed to handle it at this level. Its also a base instinct to have sex so that part of your brain is very suceptible to being highjacked.

So, if you’ve been spending yourelf 2-3 x a day for a week, you can expect to have to spend hours to get your fix, even with porn.

Pay that web site a visit. You’ll learn a lot.

For the wife: trust me, he still loves you. If he didn’t, he would have hidden away or run away when you busted him a 2nd time.

For the boys reading this: Even if you think you’ll neevr get busted, you will if you continue. Just like the alcoholic who thinks he can drive buzzed and not wreck. Eventually it happens. The alcoholic will have one too many or get pulled over for something stupid like changing lanes w/o signalling. The porn addict will eventually forget to start the browser in ‘porn mode’ (private mode) and then will one day close it, then fire up that laptop at work and boom, tabs restored and the proxy server at work notes you attempted to connect to 5 different porn sites playing 5 similar fetish videos. Even if you’re an IT guy finding and covering up tracks in a situation like that can be impossible at times.

Visit the site, send me priavte message if you want to discuss further.

The rosary willa lso destroy vice if said regularly. i didn’t break free of porn until i started praying the rosary daily.

 

[ned2628]

To everyone who has replied, I cannot thank you enough for taking the time out to share your views and opinions. All of this has been quiet overwhelming, however reading your stories has helped tremendously. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. May God bless each and every one of you. My husband and I will definitely take everything that has been said and do our best to please God!