Possible marriage to an atheist

[HistoPhiloChick]

I’ve read this forum over and decided that my appeal for suggestions probably belongs here.

I’m nineteen years old, and I’ve been dating someone for almost eleven months. He treats me very well, we’re best friends, but a few things about our relationship don’t feel right, to me. I’ll be honest, but I’ll also speak appropriately, if all of you don’t mind.

• I fell away from God before I started dating him. I came back to God very recently, while my boyfriend has never especially believed in God. This never bothered me before, but immediately does now.
• Things in our relationship have gone too far, too fast. We haven’t gone “all the way”, but we’ve gone far enough. That’s just the truth. I’m ashamed of it, but there’s no point hiding behind it. This also never bothered me before, but immediately does now.
• We’ve discussed marriage in the context of wanting to marry each other in the future, after we’re both done at University. I never had any reason to doubt the validity or the success of a future marriage to him, since he’s very kind and we get along well. But, again, this bothers me now.

In short, I suspect I’d make a very big mistake by marrying this man. I’ve just come back to God and I’m looking into fully embracing the Church again that I grew up in (the Catholic church). I know he’s kind, but he doesn’t understand my need to have God in my life. And with the past we’ve got, I feel very convicted for being in this relationship.

I guess what I’m asking… from anyone here, doesn’t matter how old, or married/single… is this: should I get out of this relationship? Should I try bringing my boyfriend to Christ, or would our previous sinful relationship conflict with our future marriage? I’m just very confused. I love my boyfriend, but I want to live for God and love Him FIRST and foremost. I know I’ve sinned and fallen short, but I know that I’m back in God’s arms again, and I either need to let go of this relationship and deal with the hurt… or stay in this relationship, and deal with the hurt.

Thanks for any thoughts, comments, suggestions etc that all of you have.

 

[dhgray]

HistoPhiloChick:

I’ve read this forum over and decided that my appeal for suggestions probably belongs here.

Welcome. You are among friends here.

I’m nineteen years old, and I’ve been dating someone for almost eleven months. He treats me very well, we’re best friends, but a few things about our relationship don’t feel right, to me. I’ll be honest, but I’ll also speak appropriately, if all of you don’t mind.

I take it you were barely 18 when you met him.

• I fell away from God before I started dating him. I came back to God very recently, while my boyfriend has never especially believed in God. This never bothered me before, but immediately does now.

The spirit in you has awaken and it is written: “The Spirit and the Flesh are opposed to each other and will never be at rest.” The spirit of the Lord in you is fighting against the spirit of the world.

• Things in our relationship have gone too far, too fast. We haven’t gone “all the way”, but we’ve gone far enough. That’s just the truth. I’m ashamed of it, but there’s no point hiding behind it. This also never bothered me before, but immediately does now.

GOOD. Listen to the Spirit of the Lord. You know right from wrong. Stop now before you get pregnant.

• We’ve discussed marriage in the context of wanting to marry each other in the future, after we’re both done at University. I never had any reason to doubt the validity or the success of a future marriage to him, since he’s very kind and we get along well. But, again, this bothers me now.

Being a guy, I use to discuss marriage to all the women I was sleeping with…it is a control mechinism (sorry but true). An old saying: “Men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love.” Don’t let him control you.

In short, I suspect I’d make a very big mistake by marrying this man. I’ve just come back to God and I’m looking into fully embracing the Church again that I grew up in (the Catholic church). I know he’s kind, but he doesn’t understand my need to have God in my life. And with the past we’ve got, I feel very convicted for being in this relationship.

Your relationship to God is more important than your relationship to this man. If he can not see that or he does not respect that, then yes, leave him immediately. The same can be true if he loves you more than God.

Any man who does not have Christ as the center of his live does not know what true love is.

I guess what I’m asking… from anyone here, doesn’t matter how old, or married/single… is this: should I get out of this relationship?

you sould back off any further inappropriate contact or touching.

Should I try bringing my boyfriend to Christ, or would our previous sinful relationship conflict with our future marriage?

You should show your boyfriend Christ’s love through your actions. Previous sins can be forgiven, but you have to let go of the sins and let Christ take over.

I’m just very confused. I love my boyfriend, but I want to live for God and love Him FIRST and foremost.

PRAISE GOD!

I know I’ve sinned and fallen short, but I know that I’m back in God’s arms again, and I either need to let go of this relationship and deal with the hurt… or stay in this relationship, and deal with the hurt.

Thanks for any thoughts, comments, suggestions etc that all of you have.

Please contact the local Singles For Christ in your area. bc.cfc.ca/cfc/

 

[NFPfamily]

When we got married, our priest emphasized that the reason people should get married is that they find someone in their life they love so much that they’ll spend the rest of their life trying to help them attain heaven. While you may be willing to commit to this, your boyfriend may fall short in trying to help you attain heaven, and probably won’t care much about your efforts if he doesn’t believe it even exists. Being a faithful Catholic is a wonderful thing, but made even better through the support my husband and I give to each other. I’m not sure where I’d be in my journey of faith without him, but I know I wouldn’t be this far along.

I would suggest praying for him and letting him know how serious you are about your future plans involving God playing an active role in your life. Maybe give him some time to see if he starts to show signs of accepting God. If not, I’d move on. Your future children need the support of both parents to grow up in the faith. That’s my opinion, and I know it is so much easier said then done- God bless you in your decision!

 

[cheddarsox]

If you are serious about your return to the Catholic faith, and want to be in full fellowship with it, I would advise you to end this relationship and be very clear with your boyfriend about why.

Interfaith marriage is possible, but not preferrable, and a Catholic with an Atheist is going to be tricky. Then, what to do about the kids? Do you want your children to have an Atheist as a father? Is it OK with you that they have that as a valid example of a life perspective?

giveyour boyfriend has all the facts,He may care to investigate the faith, drawn by love for you, or respect for your beliefs. He may not. You are at a point in your life when energy is often put toward these issues, and with good reason. It is good to figure out where you are, and where you want to be before you settle down and start a family.

I am telling you this as a friend, and from my own life experience. I am not a Catholic, so I am not spouting the party line, so to speak. Just stating the facts as I have seen them played out in my life and the lives of those around me.

cheddar

 

[StratusRose]

I’ve read this forum over and decided that my appeal for suggestions probably belongs here.

I’m nineteen years old, and I’ve been dating someone for almost eleven months. He treats me very well, we’re best friends, but a few things about our relationship don’t feel right, to me. I’ll be honest, but I’ll also speak appropriately, if all of you don’t mind.

• I fell away from God before I started dating him. I came back to God very recently, while my boyfriend has never especially believed in God. This never bothered me before, but immediately does now.

The feelings that bother you now about him being an atheist will not go away. They will intensify.

• Things in our relationship have gone too far, too fast. We haven’t gone “all the way”, but we’ve gone far enough. That’s just the truth. I’m ashamed of it, but there’s no point hiding behind it. This also never bothered me before, but immediately does now.

Been there, still there. Go to confession, it works. Promise yourself you won’t do what you do for a period of time. When you get there, go for a longer amount of time.

• We’ve discussed marriage in the context of wanting to marry each other in the future, after we’re both done at University. I never had any reason to doubt the validity or the success of a future marriage to him, since he’s very kind and we get along well. But, again, this bothers me now.

I understand that you may think that a marriage would be successful due to the fact that he’s a kind person and that you get along. But, that is not enought to make a good, Christian marriage. When we get married in the church there’s 3 individuals in the marriage, God, husband, wife. It won’t work any other way, or it will be difficult. Think about how he’d feel raising children Catholic. Even if he is okay with it, he won’t be there to and be an example of a Catholic man. That is something that children of both sexes need to see.

In short, I suspect I’d make a very big mistake by marrying this man. I’ve just come back to God and I’m looking into fully embracing the Church again that I grew up in (the Catholic church). I know he’s kind, but he doesn’t understand my need to have God in my life. And with the past we’ve got, I feel very convicted for being in this relationship.

Follow your gut. It may be telling you something. However, if this guy does accept Christ in his life, there may be hope. Pray for him. Be a good example of a Catholic woman, go to mass, pray rosaries and tell him every day how God has interceded in your life.

I guess what I’m asking… from anyone here, doesn’t matter how old, or married/single… is this: should I get out of this relationship?

You know better than us, that’s up to you.

Should I try bringing my boyfriend to Christ, or would our previous sinful relationship conflict with our future marriage?

I would give it a shot. Previous sinfulness can be forgiven through confession. There’s hope for everyone.

I’m just very confused. I love my boyfriend, but I want to live for God and love Him FIRST and foremost.

That’s very good to hear.

I know I’ve sinned and fallen short, but I know that I’m back in God’s arms again, and I either need to let go of this relationship and deal with the hurt… or stay in this relationship, and deal with the hurt.

Again, up to you. Some of us only learn from experience. Sounds to me you already know what you have to do.

 

[La_Chiara]

HistoPhiloChick:

I’ve read this forum over and decided that my appeal for suggestions probably belongs here.

I’m nineteen years old, and I’ve been dating someone for almost eleven months. He treats me very well, we’re best friends**, but a few things about our relationship don’t feel right, to me. ** I’ll be honest, but I’ll also speak appropriately, if all of you don’t mind.

• I fell away from God before I started dating him. I came back to God very recently, while my boyfriend has never especially believed in God. This never bothered me before, but immediately does now.
• Things in our relationship have gone too far, too fast. We haven’t gone “all the way”, but we’ve gone far enough. That’s just the truth.** I’m ashamed of it, but there’s no point hiding behind it. This also never bothered me before, but immediately does now.**
• We’ve discussed marriage in the context of wanting to marry each other in the future, after we’re both done at University. I never had any reason to doubt the validity or the success of a future marriage to him, since he’s very kind and we get along well. But, again, this bothers me now.

**In short, I suspect I’d make a very big mistake by marrying this man. ** I’ve just come back to God and I’m looking into fully embracing the Church again that I grew up in (the Catholic church). I know he’s kind, but he doesn’t understand my need to have God in my life. And with the past we’ve got, I feel very convicted for being in this relationship.

I guess what I’m asking… from anyone here, doesn’t matter how old, or married/single… is this: should I get out of this relationship? Should I try bringing my boyfriend to Christ, or would our previous sinful relationship conflict with our future marriage? I’m just very confused. I love my boyfriend, but I want to live for God and love Him FIRST and foremost. I know I’ve sinned and fallen short, but I know that I’m back in God’s arms again, and I either need to let go of this relationship and deal with the hurt… or stay in this relationship, and deal with the hurt.

Thanks for any thoughts, comments, suggestions etc that all of you have.

I have bolded parts of your reply which suggest that you already know the answers to your own question.

If you are having doubts now, then LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!!!

You are so young and marriage is so important and a lifetime is so long. Please, please be careful. Do not inadvertently make your decision by engaging in a sexual relationship. Pray for strength to make the right decision. From what you wrote, you seem to know that this is most likely not right. Pray for the person that God wants you to be and for the strength to be that person. God bless you.

 

[canne]

The doubts you raise and the questions you have asked are really serious ones. I think that 19 is awfully young, but I think that at 19 you are looking at your future quite maturely and honestly with this person. Marriage to a non Catholic would be difficult enough-but marriage to someone who does not acknowledge the exsisitence of God is quite another.

 

[dhgray]

BTW: How old is this boyfriend?

 

[Ray_Scheel]

In my own past (when I was 20, I’m 34 now) I was involved in a relationship that went “too far, too fast” with someone who didn’t believe much in the way of religion while I was in a phase of spiritual confusion. Unfortunately we did go “all the way” and that wound to my spirit can still be “tender” at times to this very day.

The relationship ended shortly after I got myself spiritually grounded again. I went on retreat as I realized I needed to re-evaluate what I was doing ingeneral, and as soon as I took some “space” to get my head fully straightened out without the physical desires interfering, the relationship fully disentegrated. Though I’d hoped to perhaps establish a more spiritual relationship, in retrospect our own past on top of the disparity in spiritual beliefs would have interefered with that, I’d been compromised alread in that region, and ultimately, I recognized there were other things wrong that i hadn’t been able to put my finger on while we were still seeing one another.
Your self honesty and recognition that things are going to hurt either way is a good sign you can trust your gut, at least when you are not in the same room or on the phone with the guy in question (which always clouded my judgement while I was in the relationsihp). At the least, take an official “break” from the realtionship (telling him why) with limited contact (say, email only, but not IM) and see what happens both with regard to his opening to a more spiritual you and your own feelings about where God is leading your soul.

 

[Genesis315]

First,as you said, God comes first.

Second, I like to think that when finding a soul mate, you should both probably agree on the things that are most important for the soul.

Finally my free advice (and you get what you pay for ): Take some time off from men for a little and pray a lot about what you are looking for in a man. Then, pray and ask God to help you find that man. Finally, when you find him (and be patient!), thank God every night.

On a side note, as a Catholic you are obligated to raise your kids Catholic. Will this work out with an atheist father? How will having an atheist father affect their growth. Remember, you’re looking for a husband AND a father for your future kids.

 

[ProudToBCathlic]

I say the fact that you’re uncomfortable now, says a lot, and that you shouldn’t go any farther. Better yet, my advice is to break up with him. It seems to me, (which is not necessarily how it is), he isn’t the right guy for you. I think you’re looking for something more.

Good luck, and do what you think is right before God.