Post Annulement

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KendraDZ1902

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Ok, from my understanding if a decree of nullity is granted the church has deemed your previous marriage as invalid. That it wasn’t really a marriage. So, do you continue to say you are a divorcee or that you are single? IF you decide to get married, do you say that this is your second marriage or that this is your first, since the other one “didn’t count”

I remember when filling out my marriage license, there was a section to fill out if you had been previously married. Even with a decree of nullity, someone would still have to fill this out, correct?

Nope, not thinking of marriage. This divorce isn’t even final, so I can’t even start the annulment process. I just have random questions that pop in my head and you good people get to read them. 🙂
 
If you are applying for a marriage license you absolutely say “yes” if asked if there was a marriage. While it may not have been valid to the Church, for whatever reason, it was valid in civil law - the law that is asking the question at this point.
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Ok, from my understanding if a decree of nullity is granted the church has deemed your previous marriage as invalid. That it wasn’t really a marriage. So, do you continue to say you are a divorcee or that you are single? IF you decide to get married, do you say that this is your second marriage or that this is your first, since the other one “didn’t count”

I remember when filling out my marriage license, there was a section to fill out if you had been previously married. Even with a decree of nullity, someone would still have to fill this out, correct?

Nope, not thinking of marriage. This divorce isn’t even final, so I can’t even start the annulment process. I just have random questions that pop in my head and you good people get to read them. 🙂
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Questions are good!

Actually, your marriage was (assuming you followed the law of your state/country etc) legally valid. It just was not sacramentally valid. In many cases both parties went in, in good faith, and thought they were truly agreeing to the Church’s teaching and were fully prepared and had the capacity to marry (but weren’t).

You definitely fill out your paperwork with ‘divorced’ (until or unless you are free to marry, and do so).

That being said, it’s exactly 6 months since my ex-husband died (yes, I was at the funeral, with our two grandsons and our children). I have to say that I feel more like a widow than a divorcee. Sometimes I think there should be a category for ‘other’, for situations like this. I mean, really. If we had been married, and he died, I’d be a widow. I would go from wife to widow. But with divorce, you go from wife to divorcee while he’s alive, but you STAY a divorcee when he’s dead? That doesn’t seem right to me. I think there should be a category called something like "diwidow’ for a person who has been divorced and whose ex spouse has died. . .
 
I’m sorry about your divorce and the identity crisis that comes from it, as your questions indicate.

Praying for you. :signofcross:

Christus resurrexit!
 
Augustine said:
I’m sorry about your divorce and the identity crisis that comes from it, as your questions indicate.

Praying for you. :signofcross:

Christus resurrexit!
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My identity crisis came to a head when I was asked if I wanted to legally change my last name …

It’s a process and there are so many emotional landmines along the way! Each one passed is one less that you still have to go through. It’s good that you are asking all of these questions and getting it out of your head!
 
mariemargaret said:
My identity crisis came to a head when I was asked if I wanted to legally change my last name …

It’s a process and there are so many emotional landmines along the way! Each one passed is one less that you still have to go through. It’s good that you are asking all of these questions and getting it out of your head!
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I WANT my maiden name back. I am in class right now and sometimes I am the patient. I am called “Mrs. X” and I cringe. I want to be like, “Call me Mrs. Y.” I want my post nominal letters to be behind MY name. LOL. It’s like maybe I will be me again after my name is changed. IDK.

All of this is so emotional and “starting over” is insane.
 
Just try doing this when you’re in midlife and your emotions are all over the place anyway because of hormonal changes! I really just want ‘normal’, but I don’t even know what that is. I guess I get to re-define what normal is for me…

I don’t like my maiden name for a number of reasons, and my professional and adult life is mostly in my married name. And then there are the kids. So, I’m choosing to keep my KIDS last name.

But I do really HATE it when I am called ‘Mrs. X’. I hope that I stop cringing over that some day.

Anyway, I’m glad that you can easily change yours back and I hope that it will help you to move past this. I wouldn’t count on being the ‘old you’, but I hope that it allows you to more easily build on this experience and become the ‘new and improved and wiser you’! That’s what I try to focus on anyway…
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
Wow. Yes! Identity crisis. That is exactly it.
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Of course it is! I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but you invested yourself completely in it for years. I don’t think that you got in it to end up in divorce. So, yes, not only did your last name change, but also your daily routine, how interacted with people of the opposite sex, etc. Being married became part of your identity, you were not miss anymore but mistress.

It’s interesting that it became so progressively, but now it’s sort of torn away from you, rather painfully, methinks. Yet you know that you cannot become what you were before marriage; there’s no going back in time. You were once single, then once married and then what, a divorcee? It’s a terribly painful and confusing transition, especially for practicing Catholics, since becoming a divorcee is not a vocation, but an accident. Even after you are granted an annulment, though you become a single woman again, you know that you are not your former psychological self before marriage.

Some people deride that divorced people reinvent themselves, as if that had been the goal of their divorce. Rather, it’s a matter of dealing with a blunt blow to their identity.

I hope that you find support along this process, especially in your parish. Many in the parish won’t quite know how to interact with you and distance themselves somewhat. But hopefully you will be blessed with the consistent friendship of others, parishioners or not, that will continue cultivating a relationship with you come what may.

Christus resurrexit!
 
Augustine said:
Of course it is! I don’t know how long you’ve been married, but you invested yourself completely in it for years. I don’t think that you got in it to end up in divorce. So, yes, not only did your last name change, but also your daily routine, how interacted with people of the opposite sex, etc. Being married became part of your identity, you were not miss anymore but mistress.

It’s interesting that it became so progressively, but now it’s sort of torn away from you, rather painfully, methinks. Yet you know that you cannot become what you were before marriage; there’s no going back in time. You were once single, then once married and then what, a divorcee? It’s a terribly painful and confusing transition, especially for practicing Catholics, since becoming a divorcee is not a vocation, but an accident. Even after you are granted an annulment, though you become a single woman again, you know that you are not your former psychological self before marriage.

Some people deride that divorced people reinvent themselves, as if that had been the goal of their divorce. Rather, it’s a matter of dealing with a blunt blow to their identity.

I hope that you find support along this process, especially in your parish. Many in the parish won’t quite know how to interact with you and distance themselves somewhat. But hopefully you will be blessed with the consistent friendship of others, parishioners or not, that will continue cultivating a relationship with you come what may.

Christus resurrexit!
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Time was definitely invested. We have been married only 3 years, but we dated for 3 1/2. We knew at the one year dating mark that marriage was the plan. He left for the service and instead of being a early 20s person, I was the good little GF who sat at home and waited for phone calls and letters.
My identity was definitely painfully ripped from me suddenly and unexpected. With no explanation.
I was foolish and listened to the man I loved when he said, “wait to finish school when my GI Bill kicks in. That way we don’t have to worry about more student loans.”
So, now I am back at home starting with nothing. While my friends have “moved on.” Either they have left, like I did, or they are getting married/having babies. That seems to be the only thing on my Facebook. Weddings and babies. And I’m the girl going through a divorce at 26. Sure 6 1/2 years isn’t much to some, but that’s like my whole adult life.
Reinvention is definitely needed. My goal in high school was to get my DNP one day. Instead of being smart and finishing my BSN. I am in class to get my CNA, so I can work and go to school. I guess that is what I should just focus on. Reaching that monumental goal I set for myself when I was a silly high school kid who thought she could do anything.
Workaholic. That’s my new identity. Sad.
 
As someone much older than you, at 26 you can still overcome this experience with great possibilities of success. At this age, you are still in the tender marriage age where there are many single men who were never married. You are still in your fertile years and have a lot of energy. Your prospects are terrific! Just get up, shake the dust off and raise your sleeves. A new life beckons at ya!

Christus resurrexit!
 
I divorced in my late 20’s more than 20 years ago. I kept my married name because we had young children and really didn’t want to have to explain the difference in names over & over. I obtained a Decree of Freedom about two years ago. I still consider myself a divorced woman. When asked, I would opt for the Ms. designation.
 
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