Postpartum NFP and Marital Struggles

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carriede

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Hey all!

I am 7 months postpartum after my second pregnancy. With my first, I didn’t chart at all, had breakthrough bleeding at 7 and 17 months postpartum, then got pregnant without having had a period at 18-19 months postpartum.

This time I am charting because we do not want to have more children right now. Both my kids are high needs, so I REALLY need to take a break until they’re a bit older.

So! Temperature signs tell me nothing and I can’t figure out where my cervix is (advice?). Mucus is all I have to go on. There are some very clear fertile signs at times. Mostly I have scant but still tacky mucus almost everyday. Following the conservative rules, we can have sex maybe 3 times a month.

This is causing great stress in our marriage. I don’t THINK this scant mucus is indicating fertility, but it’s there nonetheless.

Should I just assume infertility unless I get more fertile mucus signs? Any advice on the relationship side from not having sex?

I’m feeling betrayed by my body and the “NFP is the best thing ever” craze. Hubby is ready to quit (but I won’t, which contributes to the stress.)
 
There can be a lot of variables in play. are you nursing? Exclusively, on demand, and throughout the night or with solids introduced at this point? Have you talked to your instructor or taken the CCLI post partum course or are you charting on your own? When you temp, is it at the same time of the day?

What method do you use? I know a LOT of postpartum mom’s who are very happy with the Marquette method.
 
etmom said:
There can be a lot of variables in play. are you nursing? Exclusively, on demand, and throughout the night or with solids introduced at this point? Have you talked to your instructor or taken the CCLI post partum course or are you charting on your own? When you temp, is it at the same time of the day?

What method do you use? I know a LOT of postpartum mom’s who are very happy with the Marquette method.
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Oh my! Yes, I’m nursing! Totally from the tap, day and night, though she sleeps 5+ hours at a time at night. She’s eating about 4-6oz of fruit purees a day.

That is important to know. Can’t believe I left that out.

I have taken the postpartum class, but have not discussed these issues with an instructor. I can’t temp the same time everyday because of baby’s night wakings, but i try to do it after a solid 4+ hours of sleep.

I use the sympto-thermal method taught by CCLI. Never heard of Marquette, what is it?

Thank you!
 
I’m going to assume your nursing and that’s way you don’t have normal cycles back. Long patches of less fertile mucus may mean you body has trying to cycle but you don’t have enough progesterone to “shut off” the phase 2 part of the cycle and start phase 3. That may also explain why you don’t see a temp shift because you haven’t had fertile mucus (maybe lack of estrogen) but just enough estrogen to cause less fertile mucus and the lack of progesterone may prolong start of phase 3 (dry up phase). not saying thats the case for sure with you but thats what I have found about my postpartum cycles. Nursing affects your hormones and can cause “postpartum cycles” meaning cycles without enough hormones (help below where I list things to research). The baby is 7 months have you tried nursing less like adding solid foods, etc. also are you co sleeping because co sleeping can really prolong or prevent your cycles from returning to normal it can be the leading cause of crazy long post partum cycles. Nursing affects every women different and can even be different with each baby.

Try not co sleeping if you are

keep trying to figure out our cervix signs (it can take time and you may find it one day its worth it if you do)

maybe switch to vaginal temps (less variables to deal with),

to lessen temp variables try wearing the same type cloths to bed, keep the house the same temp each night for the season, use the same blanket etc.

I also have hear great things about marquette fertility monitor

Remember mucus is the number one sign of fertility for all methods of nfp. Creighton method or billings have more mucus descriptions than stm.

Things to Research: postpartum cycles, anovulatory cycle it explains some of those crazy cycles, also break through bleeding nfpandmore.org has great advice. The more you research the better you understand it.

Its normal to have crazy long confusing postpartum cycles that require more than normal lengths of abstinence.

I not saying you should wean but I have weaned early before because I desperately needed normal cycles back. I have really crazy cycles when nursing. I had to decide what was more important continue nursing (crazy cycles) or wean because my serious reason to avoid. My normal “none nursing” cycles are so much easier to chart and understand.
 
As you are over 6 months pp you can no longer use LAM rules, which probably would have helped a lot. (Baby under 6 months, exclusively breastfed, no period).

As for finding your cervix, there are a couple of tricks hints. To find it the first time, either squat down or put on foot on the edge of the tub or something like that and bear down like a bowl movement. Feel around front and back it will sort of feel like the top of a pear, a mound with an indent in it. Since you are postpartum the indent might feel less round and more horizontal. But the cervix itself will still feel like a soft pear. The catch with the cervix sign is that you have to observe a lot of the same thing over and over again before it changes and lets you know what it is doing.

Since you took a postpartum class, did they talk about a basic infertile pattern? Because that is what you should have been charting really. If you have several months of charting this tacky scant mucus, then that is your basic infertile pattern. It is the changes you need to watch. When it changes from this scant tacky mucus to more fertile mucus, and then wait 3/4 days of drying up.

For me, I was always able to clearly identify my fertile mucus at the start of my PP cycles, but with my first it came with lots of abstaining, because I didn’t know what I was looking for. So my mucus would change and we would abstain, but then I got this significantly different mucus and I was able to count my luteal phase and tada, I got my first PP period. With my second we used LAM rules for the first 6 months and then I immediately recognized the fertile mucus at about 8months PP. This is why I think people should learn and chart, even if they don’t use it to avoid or achieve specifically. My husband and I haven’t really used NFP to avoid when I have been fertile. But I continue to chart anyways and now know what PP infertility and cycles look like.

Good luck and prayers
 
I feel your pain sister!
I’ve been there more than once ( minus the 3 days per month) and it IS hard.

However, neither your body nor NFP is failing you! What we all need is an attitude shift, and then make a decision.

Firstly, sex isn’t and never was intended to be an on-demand activity for married couples. After 50 years of contraceptive mentality that is hard to accept but we have no choice if we are serious about living out the truth.

Secondly, NO MATTER what you do, don’t do or use, if you are making love, there is ALWAYS a chance of getting pregnant. NFP in the post-partum period, while nursing, has a much lower efficiency, but the body is doing work on its own to delay return of fertility) So ultimately, you are still “risking”. Once you (both) accept all of this there are three choices:
  1. Risk it
  2. Abstain
  3. Wean baby and wait for return of normsl cycles (this may take a while as well)
Mucous is great to go by but keep in mind that the body may try to ovulate, thus producing fertile cm and not be successful, and then it may try again soon afterwards with no notice. Which means temping is necessary to k ow if ovulation did indeed occur.

Having said all that, abstinence, for the sake of one’s good never ruined a marriage. Lack of self-control and selfishness yes. Having been in this boat I know how much of that sexual drive can be the latter and abstinence truly gives you the chance to work on it. Yes it is hard, like everything else in Christianity.

What does help is prayer (together), showing lots of affection in other ways, redirecting your energy into something else that will help your family, your marriage, your parish, community etc.
God bless!
 
Thank you everyone for these sensitive and helpful replies! I just read through this whole chain researching NPF postpartum and learned a lot myself. As far as the mentality shift goes, I just read “Life-Giving Love” by Kimberly Hahn and highly recommend it for anyone struggling with the NFP decision. It truly converted my heart from a following-the-rules mentality to understanding-the-reasons. It has been a true blessing in the way I view my children and any future ones that come along.

God bless and good luck to the original contributor!!! I’ll pray for your marriage. I know not being on the same page is a huge struggle, but keep praying about it. It may be a long road, but especially with this topic I had years of struggling and misunderstanding that have strengthened our marriage and resolve to do God’s will. I now recognize these answers to my original prayers. I don’t know if your husband would do it, but maybe see if you guys can read Kim Hahn’s book together. If not, read it yourself and just talk about it. My husband didn’t read it, but we had some incredible discussions from what I was learning while I did. God bless you guys and your kiddos!
 
carriede said:
I have taken the postpartum class, but have not discussed these issues with an instructor. I can’t temp the same time everyday because of baby’s night wakings, but i try to do it after a solid 4+ hours of sleep.
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Sure you can… that’s the one part of the whole course I say is a load of baloney. 😛
I’ve co-slept and night-nursed with all my kids… and temperature is always an accurate indicator to show me that ovulation has actually occurred.
  1. Set your alarm every single day to take your temperature… say, 6am (or whatever works for you… I set mine for 5:15 when I get up for work). Go back to sleep if you can, but don’t miss a chance to temp.
  2. Consider temp’ing vaginally. I know it sounds totally gross, but it’s more consistent (many women discover their varying temperature signs are due to sleeping with your mouth open if you’re randomly congested… you can get “cold spots” in your mouth)…
  3. Don’t even LOOK at the temperature graph until after you think you’re having fertile mucous/cervix (I’ll talk about cervix sign later)… your temperature chart will look crazy, but that’s normal and fine. Don’t forget the temperature sign is only indicative of your body releasing progesterone AFTER you have ACTUALLY ovulated… so don’t stress about the fluctuations in the meantime.
As for your cervix… check it daily… multiple times a day. You’ll get a feel for the changes, but you have to be *consistent *and *meticulous *in your charting descriptions.
INFERTILE cervix is hard/stiff and the opening will be closed tight. For example, pierce your lips TIGHT like you’re making a kissy face… really tight. Notice how stiff your lips are and how you can’t get your fingertip inside. It’s like that.
FERTILE cervix is much softer… and you’ll normally have LOTS of egg-white mucous right at the opening. You can DEFINITELY insert your finger into the opening, at least a 1/4 inch. For example, blow through your lips like you’re blowing out a birthday candle. Notice your lips are soft and you can easily insert your fingertip. “Fertile” is like that.

Hope that helps!
 
After baby 3 I found out I had osteoporosis. We had to abstain for 3 months because the signs were too confusing and we didn’t want to chance it. Eventually my cycles came back and my bones got better. After baby 4 I discovered the marquette method and LOVE it. Google it!

During that long abstinence, it was very challenging. I too began to question my beliefs and convictions, and we were at a crossroads, but we persevered! And are the better for it now. Trust in God. His plans are better than ours. Offer up this sacrifice together as a couple and pray together that you persevere!

…& check out Marquette 🙂
 
My baby is 2 1/2 months old.
while it is not for NFP reasons, my wife and I have had to abstain for over 3 months due to my wife’s health issues. This is not the first time we’ve had significant long abstainances.
(if we were not in an enforced abstainance we’d be being very careful)
I find it is vital to maintain close intimacy at these times. Cuddles, caresses, kisses and every other way of telling one another that we very much love each other.
Remind each other that neither is rejecting the other, just that you need to abstain from that full consummation. - That you still desire your spouse - very much. This definitely helps me. that way we both feel supported and validated. we both acknowledge that it is hard for both of us to abstain for so long but it’s for a good reason.

I would also state that I (as a man) find abstainance hardest when I am struggling with my own purity. - When I fail in that (either mentally or physically) I am most likely to feel resentful that I cannot consummate my relationship with my wife.

on the other hand, when I see women or men on here complaining that they want to throw in the towel on what is morally right after just a couple of months of difficulty I cant help but think that there is something wrong in that man approach to his sexuality and his marriage.
 
Didn’t read the other replies, but I had a similar experience after my last child. I had light mucus all the time and temps didn’t indicate anything. I decided to buy some ovulation strips to use as a backup indicator (something like this).

When I took my refresher class with CCLI, I learned that some women have light mucus while BF, and it’s generally not a sign of fertility.

Hope that helps some.
 
I know this thread is a bit older but you might want to look in the Marquette Method. I have 3 children and after my third was born 15 mo. ago we used LAM and then Marquette. I am still breastfeeding. This has been the absolute easiest postpartum period ever. And we have been a lot more intimate than after my first two were born. I had months and months of straight lows on Marquette which means I was infertile and we were able to enjoy that time quite a bit.

Marquette uses the ClearBlue Easy Monitor which reads the hormone levels in your urine. Very very simple. During cycle 0 (before your cycles return) you only test every other day as long as you are having lows.
 
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