Practical abstinence in marriage

[ChristIsLife]

Hi,

I’m getting married in two month’s time. My wife-to-be and I both feel convicted to use NFP.

Does anyone have some PRACTICAL guidance on abstinence WITHIN the marriage relationship? I’m comfortable with the “why” and “what”, only unsure about the “how”.

I can visualise myself sleeping on the couch/floor. Obviously this can’t make for a happy time.

Any thoughts?

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Hi,

I’m getting married in two month’s time. My wife-to-be and I both feel convicted to use NFP.

Does anyone have some PRACTICAL guidance on abstinence WITHIN the marriage relationship? I’m comfortable with the “why” and “what”, only unsure about the “how”.

I can visualise myself sleeping on the couch/floor. Obviously this can’t make for a happy time.

Any thoughts?

Focus on what you can do as opposed to “can’t”- handholding, cuddling, modest kissing, etc. And there is not sleeping on the couch/floor. That’s just silly. DH and I have been TTA since we got married (not that I am happy about that) and we always share a bed.
Also, have you prayed that you should be abstaining right off the bat? Plenty of the babies on this board have been “5-minutes plans”.

 

[MarieCB]

Hi,

I’m getting married in two month’s time. My wife-to-be and I both feel convicted to use NFP.

Does anyone have some PRACTICAL guidance on abstinence WITHIN the marriage relationship? I’m comfortable with the “why” and “what”, only unsure about the “how”.

I can visualise myself sleeping on the couch/floor. Obviously this can’t make for a happy time.

Any thoughts?

Well, if she gets pregnant right away, you’ve got at least nine months of not worrying about it. (Barring complications with the pregnancy, but hey, not having sex with a puking lady should be easy.) And if she breastfeeds, you’ve got even longer. It took nine months for my ovulation to return when I was breastfeeding. So that would be 18 months.

Avoiding sex altogether while she’s ovulating … good luck. I don’t know how people manage it. I’ve used NFP to get pregnant, and I’ve used it so that I know when protection is necessary (I’m not Catholic), and yes, so I know when to abstain, but a woman’s sex drive goes up when she ovulates, and her husband will pick up on those very abundant pheromones. As others have said on this board, it really does go against your natural instincts.

However, I will point out something – the periods of time that you’re not having sex will make your time together even more special. You could think of it as a period of courting and flirting every month.

 

[Em_in_FL]

We’ve used NFP to avoid at times during our marriage. The abstinence really isn’t that hard… in our case we’ve had to wait at most around 7-10 days. You KNOW it’s happening, it’s not like ovulation is a SURPRISE - so you tend to just offer up your thoughts. If you’re serious about needing to use NFP because having a child at that time would be so overwhelming - then it’s not *that *difficult. You have to balance out your reasons for avoiding. If your sex drive is so overwhelmingly unmanageable that you cannot prayerfully offer up those 10 days then maybe it’s not worth waiting - and maybe that’s God’s sign that you should be open to another child.

If tracking fertility is difficult or you are abstaining for abnormal amounts of time (beyond 2 weeks per cycle) then maybe consider talking to a doctor or trying a different NFP method (there are several). Normal, healthy cycles should not force you to abstain that long.

Also… once kids come along… it’s not as hard to find reasons to have to abstain - actually, it’s hardER to find those moments when you can actually be together (breastfeeding infants, kids waking up at night, etc, etc). The logistics tend to get more complicated.

Good luck and God bless!

 

[Em_in_FL]

However, I will point out something – the periods of time that you’re not having sex will make your time together even more special. You could think of it as a period of courting and flirting every month.

YES… good point!
Flirting tends to get more fun - for us, it really is like a second honeymoon!

 

[kage_ar]

Remember, marriage is not created for sex. Sex is created for marriage. Keep things in perspective.

 

[maryjk]

Avoiding sex altogether while she’s ovulating … good luck. I don’t know how people manage it. I’ve used NFP to get pregnant, and I’ve used it so that I know when protection is necessary (I’m not Catholic), and yes, so I know when to abstain, but a woman’s sex drive goes up when she ovulates, and her husband will pick up on those very abundant pheromones. As others have said on this board, it really does go against your natural instincts.

However, I will point out something – the periods of time that you’re not having sex will make your time together even more special. You could think of it as a period of courting and flirting every month.

If you are avoiding getting pregnant for a good reason, avoiding sex while she is ovulating is not as hard as it sounds. If my husband gets fresh with me, I will calmly look up at him with a smile on my face and tell him, “I’m ovulating.” Generally he gives me kiss and suggests another activity.

 

[joseph123]

It is very optimistic at best to think you will have to find ways to abstain. More than likely, you will have to focus on the “how” of finding time and energy for sex.

 

[jessimom]

As part of NFP. for my

 

[samovila]

In our experience, there wasn’t a whole lot of abstinence in the beginning. We thoroughly enjoyed each other the first year of our marriage. We didn’t have any serious reasons to put off having children so we just went with the flow and I ended up getting pregnant the month after we were married. We’ve been married for a little over 3 years now and have a 9 month old and a 2.5 year old and abstinance isn’t so much of a challenge. We’re too tired or preoccupied these days to have sex so abstaining during my fertile times is usually a piece of cake. And since we’re really serious about avoiding pregnancy now, it just isn’t that hard for us.

 

[2HunnyBuns]

It’s really not that hard to abstain [most of the time ]. It can be frustrating at times (My husband likes to pursue me when he knows it’s not going to go anywhere and that frustrates me.). In the past when we were using ABC I can tell you we abstained most of the time because I had no interest (I blame the pill and the demands of motherhood for that). Sex isn’t the end all be all to marriage. It’s a great part, but it’s not everything. Even now as we’re TTA we aren’t even taking advantage of every day when I’m not fertile, but that’s mostly because I have a husband who’s usually tired from a long commute and work. There are plenty of times when one of us just isn’t in the mood and usually that means one of us has to put aside what we want for the good of the spouse. Sometimes that means that one of us has to abstain from sex. Just because you’re abstaining doesn’t mean you have to sleep separately and it doesn’t mean that your spouse is totally hands off, you just don’t want to get carried away.

 

[ChosenAndCalled]

We have ten kids, so shrug, don’t ask me.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi,

I’m getting married in two month’s time. My wife-to-be and I both feel convicted to use NFP.

Does anyone have some PRACTICAL guidance on abstinence WITHIN the marriage relationship? I’m comfortable with the “why” and “what”, only unsure about the “how”.

I can visualise myself sleeping on the couch/floor. Obviously this can’t make for a happy time.

Any thoughts?

Why would you be sleeping on the floor or couch in order to follow NFP?

 

[Bluegoat]

Well, how do you plan to manage other times that you cannot have sex, but would like to? There are a variety of occasions that this happens that have nothing to do with NFP. For example, if your wife prefers to avoid during menstruation; any time one of you is ill/really too tired/or whatever; during periods of fasting. And what do you do now, before you are married?

Not having sex when you want to may be best imagined as a spiritual discipline. If you are avoiding to avoid conception, I think that is the way to treat it. So prayer, especially together, is probably the most important thing. Real consideration of the purpose of your abstinence - not why NFP, but why no children now - might also be a good subject for prayer.

And make it regular. Any kind of fasting takes practice and is strengthened by it. So when you are in a period when you do not HAVE to abstain, still build it into your life. This is not hard if you understand all proscribed fasting to include sex.