Practical advice needed

[Mirror_Mirror]

Hi! Thank you for your kind words. I guess I wasn’t being completely fair when I said that there were plenty of times that he is surprised about how I act. In reality when I think about it I can think of about 2-3 times. It just feels like a lot to me I guess.

I’m sure if I expressed my discomfort with this tv show, he would agree not to watch it. But then I feel like I am being a controlling girlfriend who is forcing him to do things. Sometimes I do wish our values were in line enough that it wasn’t actually an issue at all. I wish he felt the same offense at watching things like this as I do.

And I don’t want him to resent me because I take away his fun or something. I’m not saying this would definitely happen, but is is something I worry about.

Then you should express your discomfort. If the show is portraying things that are offensive it is not leading you or him to God then it is not something that is necessary.

It is not about being controlling if you are expressing your feelings. Then it comes down to respect. What if he is looking at Maxim magazine? That would make you feel uncomfortable I am sure. Would you feel “controlling” by asking him to no longer view this magazine? Would you be concerned that you are being controlling or would you be concerned about how he would be viewing you after seeing the pictures in that magazine. And don’t kid yourself, Maxim can twist and distort men’s view of women, it does not have to be Playboy.

 

[whatevergirl]

*But he is NOT looking at Maxim, though. Let’s not go overboard here. lol

Lynn–I hope things work out between you both. I would be firm in discussing your feelings, but I would not ask every day…‘what did you watch today?’ That might get old, from his point of view.

Have the talk, and let it be. Trust is important in a relationship.*

 

[Lynn123]

*True love, wants the best for the other. You want God’s best for your bf. Maybe say it LIKE THAT. God wants our best, too. He doesn’t sit back and give us everything we want…He often is thought of as a God who wants to ‘ruin our fun,’ but really…if that ‘fun’ messes up our walk with Him, He won’t stand for it…THAT is true love. That is God’s idea of love, not just being permissive with everything.

THAT SAID, I would only allow this to upset me, IF your bf is showing signs that his tv watching of these shows is affecting his relationship, negatively, to you. You mentioned that he is comparing you, albeit subtly, to the ‘tv women.’ Not worth waging a war over, but it’s worth telling him that you don’t appreciate it. Mainstream media is pretty much geared towards sex, and immorality. Whether it’s tame or not. It’s there. I used to watch Sex & The City, and I totally stopped, because it doesn’t coincide with who I am as a Christian. There is NOTHING REMOTELY redeeming about that show…did it change who I was towards my husband? No, but it didn’t help my walk with Christ.

So, let that be the yardstick you meaure this all with…if it is affecting your relationship adversely, I’d tell him your opinion. I also agree with Liberano too, though. You might be surprised at how the together time changes once you’re married, with children to support, jobs that have opposing schedules, etc. At times, I feel very much like a single mom. My husband works nights, I work days. I have off weekends, he has off two days during the week. TV is the last of our concerns.

Stay true to your values…and help your bf to see that you’re not picking on him, you do it out of love. *

I guess it’s probably not really affecting our relationship that much. Every now and then I can tell that a viewpoint my boyfriend has about me or relationships has come directly from tv (he tells me that it does so that is how I know). I’ll let him know that I don’t feel that way or think that way, and he respects that. Sometimes he just doesn’t seem to remember it when we are faced with the situation again and that is when I tend to get frustrated.

Do you think it might be better to talk more about this issue after we get married or maybe not at all?

I feel like it might be a bit premature. I guess that time it would bother me most is in a scenario such as this: I’m cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, and he is watching it in the living room and I can hear and see it all. Would it be okay for me to suggest he record it and watch it some other time, along with explaining why I wasn’t interested in watching it?

It was comforting to know that you didn’t feel like watching Sex and the City affected your relationship with your husband.

I really do feel like I want the best for my boyfriend and our relationship, which is why this bothers me. But I guess it’s not up to be make him see things in a different way. That has to come from God if it’s the right thing.

 

[whatevergirl]

I guess it’s probably not really affecting our relationship that much. Every now and then I can tell that a viewpoint my boyfriend has about me or relationships has come directly from tv (he tells me that it does so that is how I know). I’ll let him know that I don’t feel that way or think that way, and he respects that. Sometimes he just doesn’t seem to remember it when we are faced with the situation again and that is when I tend to get frustrated.

Do you think it might be better to talk more about this issue after we get married or maybe not at all?

I feel like it might be a bit premature. I guess that time it would bother me most is in a scenario such as this: I’m cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, and he is watching it in the living room and I can hear and see it all. Would it be okay for me to suggest he record it and watch it some other time, along with explaining why I wasn’t interested in watching it?

It was comforting to know that you didn’t feel like watching Sex and the City affected your relationship with your husband.

I really do feel like I want the best for my boyfriend and our relationship, which is why this bothers me. But I guess it’s not up to be make him see things in a different way. That has to come from God if it’s the right thing.

*I think that your bf’s comment about being desensitized is interesting, and probably true to a degree. Gosh, it seems that we seem so much more violence on tv than ever before…more sexual scenes, profanity…it’s like do we hear and see it anymore, or is it all just a blur, and we laugh along with it or whatever? You know? I used to watch Sex & The City for example, because I liked the actresses, I liked the fashions…lol I didn’t like the plot…if there was one–basically desperate women who will sleep with anyone, and sit by the phone the next day wondering why he isn’t calling. It seemed so not who I was about. But, people have to come into their own ‘awakenings’ with these things. I would absolutely share your opinions…without sounding like his mom. If you come from a place of love, no one will ever argue with you. Trust in Jesus, He’ll give you the right words.

God bless. *

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

*But he is NOT looking at Maxim, though. Let’s not go overboard here. lol

Lynn–I hope things work out between you both. I would be firm in discussing your feelings, but I would not ask every day…‘what did you watch today?’ That might get old, from his point of view.

Have the talk, and let it be. Trust is important in a relationship.*

I did not say that he was, I was using it as a point of reference, what if he was?

Again, maybe this is nothing and not a big issue, but we live in a world that sooo many are influenced by the culture, specifically the media. Obviously for the OP it has bothered her enough to have brought it up here and discuss. IMHO, it is something that could pose the potential for issues to arise in the future.

Maybe the Maxim is a stretch, but I was trying to use it to make a point. Being desensitized (sp) from the influence of the media is a sad place to be, I have seen it all to often.

 

[Lynn123]

*I think that your bf’s comment about being desensitized is interesting, and probably true to a degree. Gosh, it seems that we seem so much more violence on tv than ever before…more sexual scenes, profanity…it’s like do we hear and see it anymore, or is it all just a blur, and we laugh along with it or whatever? You know? I used to watch Sex & The City for example, because I liked the actresses, I liked the fashions…lol I didn’t like the plot…if there was one–basically desperate women who will sleep with anyone, and sit by the phone the next day wondering why he isn’t calling. It seemed so not who I was about. But, people have to come into their own ‘awakenings’ with these things. I would absolutely share your opinions…without sounding like his mom. If you come from a place of love, no one will ever argue with you. Trust in Jesus, He’ll give you the right words.

God bless. *

I just don’t know that there is any way I can bring this up without sounding like his mom. I’ve gone through all sorts of scenarios in my head about how to do it, and I feel like non of them are right I feel like they are all going to come across to him like I am being a patrol girl, or trying to canonize myself, etc. etc. So now I am on the fence about whether to even bring it up. Maybe it’s not that big of a deal in the long run…

 

[Lynn123]

*I think that your bf’s comment about being desensitized is interesting, and probably true to a degree. Gosh, it seems that we seem so much more violence on tv than ever before…more sexual scenes, profanity…it’s like do we hear and see it anymore, or is it all just a blur, and we laugh along with it or whatever? You know? I used to watch Sex & The City for example, because I liked the actresses, I liked the fashions…lol I didn’t like the plot…if there was one–basically desperate women who will sleep with anyone, and sit by the phone the next day wondering why he isn’t calling. It seemed so not who I was about. But, people have to come into their own ‘awakenings’ with these things. I would absolutely share your opinions…without sounding like his mom. If you come from a place of love, no one will ever argue with you. Trust in Jesus, He’ll give you the right words.

God bless. *

I can see him feeling like I am just waiting for him to do something I don’t like, so that the second he does I can make him feel bad about it and question the depth of his faith. I don’t want him to feel like he is walking around on eggshells with me or that he has to hide everything he does.

 

[kage_ar]

I guess I am just trying to figure out why a good Catholic would desire to watch tv shows where the primary focus is going to bars and trying to have one night stands… I find it bothersome.

Let me guess, the show is “How I Met Your Mother”. I do not have TV, but, when I am around a TV, I’ve watched this program. It is well written and entertaining. It is NOT for children, it is for adults.

 

[Lynn123]

Let me guess, the show is “How I Met Your Mother”. I do not have TV, but, when I am around a TV, I’ve watched this program. It is well written and entertaining. It is NOT for children, it is for adults.

Well, that is one of the ones he watches. But the one I was mostly talking about here is Accidentally on Purpose. I’ve never watched How I Met Your Mother, so I didn’t know that it is basically the same thing.

 

[whatevergirl]

I can see him feeling like I am just waiting for him to do something I don’t like, so that the second he does I can make him feel bad about it and question the depth of his faith. I don’t want him to feel like he is walking around on eggshells with me or that he has to hide everything he does.

*Remember when Jesus told sinners to go and sin no more? He probably didn’t come back to those same villages and ask those same people, weekly…so, have you sinned again? Huh? Huh? lol He told them what they NEEDED to hear, and left it at that. Your bf sounds like a smart guy, and a good Catholic. APPROACH THIS WITH LOVE. You care about him, that’s all. But, then let it go. Trust that he will do the right thing. There’s no need to ask him for a list of shows he watched in a particular week…that would be patroling, and that would be annoying, in my mind’s view. lol You’ll find the right things to say–I know it.

I think part of your struggle, is you’d like him to stop watching it without your urging. Like, you are concerned he will stop watching it, look at you like mother hen, and resent you.Not if you approach it lovingly. But, one time. And also…make it about where your future is heading, how you look to him as the spiritual head of household. There are a lot of positive ways you can approach this, without sound like your hen pecking. *

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, that is one of the ones he watches. But the one I was mostly talking about here is Accidentally on Purpose. I’ve never watched How I Met Your Mother, so I didn’t know that it is basically the same thing.

*I don’t know either of these shows! lol Wait, I think I have seen coming attractions for how I met your mother…is that with the guy who used to play Doogie Howser? What is it about, exactly? *

 

[Havard]

Hey there, I’m a 32 year-old guy who’s dating a wonderful lady at the moment. Perhaps I can provide some additional perspective?

One thing I’m curious about is what are these perceptions of women that he says he’s garnered from TV? How have they come up?

As a general point: if anything I do is bothering my girlfriend, I sincerely hope she’ll tell me. Even if I may think it gets excessive. The point is, it’s part of who she is, right? Part of the reason we’re in this stage of the relationship (not engaged yet) is to get to know each other… so now is not the time to hold back, in my opinion.

 

[dashso40]

Hi there!

Thanks for the ideas… does it ever make you feel disconnected from your husband if he watches a show you don’t like because of the morality aspect of it? I know that my boyfriend has different interests than mine, and will sometimes watch football or a science show or something that I’m just not interested in. That doesn’t bother me at all. I guess it’s when it comes down to more serious issues that I bothered. I want so badly for both of us to be on the same page there.

Hello…
it probably would bother me if he was watching something morally deplorable all the time but he rarely watches anything more than the news shows or like discovery channel…I don’t think you’ll be able to change his interest in his tv shows completely…Eventually, he may stop watching certain shows, I think individual’s tastes change over the years…I know mine has and my husbands…

 

[Cat]

My husband and I have been married for 30 years, and we are still very much in love. We dated for six years before we married, and we were virgins when we were married.

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh.

I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Ease way off immediately. Drop it. Stop talking about it. Stop thinking about it. Stop obsessing.

You are analyzing this to death. Women do this kind of thing too often and they talk, talk, talk and it drives most men crazy. “Honey, let’s talk about this. Honey, are you mad at me? Talk to me, honey. I need to tell you my feelings and I need you to tell me your feelings. Let’s share our deepest hopes and fears. Let’s pray about this. What do you think God would think of this?”

Don’t do that.

That’s not the way men are wired. He will never be your best girlfriend, OK?

The best way to get your husband’s interest away from that show or anything is to ignore him. Do not make a big deal or even a little deal out of it. Don’t even mention it. Just ignore him. Do something else. Don’t act like a martyr or a saint. Just do something else that honestly needs to be done, or that you honestly want to do. This isn’t a act that you’re putting on to lure him away from the TV. This is real life. You have things to do, methods of relaxation that work for you–do them. And let your husband do his things. And when you are both finished, come together.

Give him the FREEDOM to watch the show. And don’t tell him that you are giving him freedom, and make a big deal out of your generosity and maturity and self-sacrificing love. Don’t mention it ever. Ever. When he sits down to watch his show(s), smile and go do something else without any fuss, resentment, or discussion.

Men have a very real need to feel “free.” When their wife makes them feel trapped, they resent it and will dig in and resist the attempt to curtail their freedom.

**A wise woman will be very very careful to give their husband the freedom that he needs. **

*And what’s really strange about this approach is that if a man feels feel to choose to do something, he often will decide not to do it. * Just having the freedom to do something is all he needs.

And if you ignore him and do something else, this will intrigue him. He will find himself less interested in the show and more interested in you and what you’re doing.

It’s the same principle as dieting; as long as we can have it, we don’t necessarily want it. But when we are forbidden from eating something, we desire it, we CRAVE it, we long for it.

Obviously this principle doesn’t apply if your husband is watching or doing porn or snuff flicks or something vile and obviously sinful. But a television show, a sitcom–it’s not the same as porn. It really isn’t.

Unless your guy is incredibly immature, he probably realizes, just like the rest of us do, that the show is not real. If he doesn’t realize this, you shouldn’t marry him because he has a mental problem.

But assuming that he is normal, he is probably just enjoying a funny show and not absorbing the questionable morals and lack of religion.

This is what real married life is like. Much of the time, your husband will be in the garage or basement or his office or den or out in the yard living life the way he likes to live it. And much of the time, you’ll be living your life. The best marriages are those in which each spouse gives their spouse freedom to pursue life and then come back together and enjoy still more life as a couple.

 

[Havard]

My husband and I have been married for 30 years, and we are still very much in love. We dated for six years before we married, and we were virgins when we were married.

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh.

I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Ease way off immediately. Drop it. Stop talking about it. Stop thinking about it. Stop obsessing.

You are analyzing this to death. Women do this kind of thing too often and they talk, talk, talk and it drives most men crazy. “Honey, let’s talk about this. Honey, are you mad at me? Talk to me, honey. I need to tell you my feelings and I need you to tell me your feelings. Let’s share our deepest hopes and fears. Let’s pray about this. What do you think God would think of this?”

Don’t do that.

That’s not the way men are wired. He will never be your best girlfriend, OK?

The best way to get your husband’s interest away from that show or anything is to ignore him. Do not make a big deal or even a little deal out of it. Don’t even mention it. Just ignore him. Do something else. Don’t act like a martyr or a saint. Just do something else that honestly needs to be done, or that you honestly want to do. This isn’t a act that you’re putting on to lure him away from the TV. This is real life. You have things to do, methods of relaxation that work for you–do them. And let your husband do his things. And when you are both finished, come together.

Give him the FREEDOM to watch the show. And don’t tell him that you are giving him freedom, and make a big deal out of your generosity and maturity and self-sacrificing love. Don’t mention it ever. Ever. When he sits down to watch his show(s), smile and go do something else without any fuss, resentment, or discussion.

Men have a very real need to feel “free.” When their wife makes them feel trapped, they resent it and will dig in and resist the attempt to curtail their freedom.

**A wise woman will be very very careful to give their husband the freedom that he needs. **

*And what’s really strange about this approach is that if a man feels feel to choose to do something, he often will decide not to do it. * Just having the freedom to do something is all he needs.

And if you ignore him and do something else, this will intrigue him. He will find himself less interested in the show and more interested in you and what you’re doing.

It’s the same principle as dieting; as long as we can have it, we don’t necessarily want it. But when we are forbidden from eating something, we desire it, we CRAVE it, we long for it.

Obviously this principle doesn’t apply if your husband is watching or doing porn or snuff flicks or something vile and obviously sinful. But a television show, a sitcom–it’s not the same as porn. It really isn’t.

Unless your guy is incredibly immature, he probably realizes, just like the rest of us do, that the show is not real. If he doesn’t realize this, you shouldn’t marry him because he has a mental problem.

But assuming that he is normal, he is probably just enjoying a funny show and not absorbing the questionable morals and lack of religion.

This is what real married life is like. Much of the time, your husband will be in the garage or basement or his office or den or out in the yard living life the way he likes to live it. And much of the time, you’ll be living your life. The best marriages are those in which each spouse gives their spouse freedom to pursue life and then come back together and enjoy still more life as a couple.

Eh… I disagree. She’s not married to the guy yet, so now is the time for her to be figuring out what makes him tick.

 

[dashso40]

I agree with Cat…Once your married and have kids, little things that bothered you before you were married, you don’t really notice as much like what tv shows you and him like. Eventually, after kids, you and him will be asleep by 9 anyway, won’t be able to stay awake for tv…
I used to let the little things bother me but bigger issues come up as we live life and things come into perspective.
God bless you both on your marriage, and enjoy your wedding and being a newlywed

 

[Cat]

I agree with Cat…Once your married and have kids, little things that bothered you before you were married, you don’t really notice as much like what tv shows you and him like. Eventually, after kids, you and him will be asleep by 9 anyway, won’t be able to stay awake for tv…
I used to let the little things bother me but bigger issues come up as we live life and things come into perspective.
God bless you both on your marriage, and enjoy your wedding and being a newlywed

This is very true. Once children are in the picture, parents usually become more sensitive to what their children are seeing and most parents grow up at this point and begin to give up leftovers from their own adolescence out of love for their own children.

This is when a lot of parents sell the sports car and buy a van. Or sell the downhill skis and buy a backyard swingset. Or burn all the bodice rippers and true crime novels and fill the bookshelves with Caldecott Winners.

The contrast of seeing their innocent child and seeing the immoral messages that many television shows (including the one that the OP’s boyfriend is watching) is simply too painful, and most parents decide in favor of what is best for their innocent child.

They “wake up,” so to speak, and realize that what is OK and fun for grownups is terribly harmful for little ones. This often happens when the little one starts mimicking a behavior or vocalizing a phrase or catchword on one of the television shows.

I stick with my advice. Don’t fuss over it.

However, I will modify my advice by suggesting that the OP take a serious look at all the other activities and behaviors of her boyfriend and try to ascertain whether or not he is immature in many different areas of life. It’s OK to be a kid in a few areas. E.g., many men are just like big boys when it comes to watching sports on TV–nothing wrong with that. (Many women are like teenaged girls when it comes to watching romantic movies.)

But if there is a pattern of adolescent behavior and attitudes, that’s something to worry about. Does the boyfriend work hard at his job (or school)? Does he keep losing jobs due to tardiness or “sick days?” Does he remember appointments and dates? Does he dress appropriately for various activities e.g., a suit and tie for a job interview, nice casual clothes for a dinner at grandparents’ house? Is he respectful of authority? Does he drive safely? Does he spend money impulsively on toys and other luxuries? Does he have insurance? Does he abuse substances, INCLUDING FOOD? (A young man who eats non-stop of bad foods will become a old FAT man with heart conditions, diabetes, and osteoarthritis.) Does he make hurtful jokes about women?

You get the idea–a pattern of consistent self-centered, adolescent, immature behavior and attitudes. It’s kind of fun for a woman who is serious and staid and has a boring job–a man who acts like a teenager is exciting and fun to be with. But the situation will become very unpleasant after marriage. There is such a thing as a Peter Pan man, a man who cannot grow up and become a mature, self-sacrificing man. This type of man is a misery to be married to, and it would be better to end the relationship now.

But please don’t go overboard analyzing the man. If the raunchy TV show is his one childish, irresponsible, silly guilty pleasure, then let it go. You probably have your childish indulgences, too. Let the man hang onto part of his childhood for a while and don’t worry about it.

 

[Havard]

I’m still curious about what Lynn meant by his ‘skewed perceptions of women’ garnered from TV shows. That could be a big problem or it could be nothing, depending on what those perceptions are.

I wouldn’t disagree with Cat if they were married, but like I said, now is the time for them to figure out if they should get married at all.