Practical Advice Request

[radiaz]

Hello, I wanted to reach out to everyone to request some advice regarding difficulties in the professional life and how to properly relate them to one’s personal life. It may not be directly spiritual, but since it has potential to be, I thought it would be good to request here.

So, I am the sole breadwinner for our family and my wife stays home to raise our child. I come from a more traditional mindset that as the man, I am the head of the family and I am responsible for everything in the family. If my wife has ever an issue/question with her life or our child’s life, she comes to me for advice or for help to come to a decision. I have to exercise good judgement to provide her with a confident, truest answer. Although recently, I have found it difficult to reciprocate due to fear of overwhelming her, below is a brief recap of my conundrum.

Throughout this year my job has proven challenging, at instances almost asphyxiating. I am all for accepting difficult challenges and overcoming obstacles in order to improve in the virtue of Fortitude, but throughout my career I’ve been faced with situations where “I’m running as fast as I can just to stay in the same place”. I see most of my peers (mostly younger and less experienced) effortlessly run by past me and ahead of me. I can’t help but wonder, what I’m doing wrong…more than once my organization has failed to properly recognizing me and not sure how to bring this to our leadership attention with good faith.

I typically wouldn’t care too much about myself and I would put my head down and keep fighting the good fight, but with my family in mind, my career success is a reflection of their sacrifice. My time away from them was to be worth it, or else I would place my efforts in other ventures. This has compelled me to meet with my managers and boss to speak up and discuss some of these issues and would like to see if anyone has some guidance to help my conversation with them.

Now to the root of my request for advice:

1. How have you (if you are a professional breadwinner) been addressing issues of proper compensation, recognition, advancement in career? How do you know you need to be paid better vs. you are just allowing your weakness to complain regarding the work? When did you decide that a change (another job) is in the cards? How did you curtail risks of shifting jobs (risks = you chose a worse place, not what you expected, etc)?
2. Do you have a mentor? Does did this help? How were you able to find the proper mentor? Any clerical mentorship or help?
3. How much spiritual help did you request to deal with these issues? Was it prayer or other professionals in your parish? Spritual advisor?
4. I believe since I am the head of the household, attempting to address these type of issues to my wife may bring unnecessary anxiety and stress to her, and she is already dealing with running the house and family. I also fear of giving an impression that I can’t solve my own problems. Is my thought somewhat faulty? Am I underestimating her? Have you experienced something similar? What was the process and outcome (positive/negative)?

Any help is appreciated! God bless!

 

[TheLittleLady]

My husband and I were equal partners in marriage (as the Church teaches). We made decisions together, we did not withhold things.

attempting to address these type of issues to my wife may bring unnecessary anxiety and stress to her, and she is already dealing with running the house and family. I also fear of giving an impression that I can’t solve my own problems. Is my thought somewhat faulty? Am I underestimating her?

Your wife is a grown woman, she has opinions and ideas. She is your best friend, yes?

Do you have a mentor? Does did this help?

My professional mentors were invaluable. I sought them out both inside the company I worked for and in professional organizations.

w have you (if you are a professional breadwinner) been addressing issues of proper compensation, recognition, advancement in career?

For me, the advancement came from moving companies. I would move up in the corporate world that way until I reached Sr Management, at that point the company I was with was large enough to offer internal advancement.

 

[Lou2U]

I believe since I am the head of the household, attempting to address these type of issues to my wife may bring unnecessary anxiety and stress to her, and she is already dealing with running the house and family. I also fear of giving an impression that I can’t solve my own problems. Is my thought somewhat faulty? Am I underestimating her?

Yes, you are. Being head of the household doesn’t stop you having emotional needs and requiring emotional support. Let your wife support you, ask her for help. It doesn’t make you weak and it doesn’t make you less of a man. Talk to her about your job worries and come to a plan of action together. Taking all the decisions yourself puts a heavy burden on you - you can share it with her. That’s what marriage is. Knowing you ultimately make the decisions (and feeling that your judgement needs to be good 100% of the time) is a really massive burden you’ve placed on yourself, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s contributed to your stress now. I know you have a traditional set-up, but I would really urge you to think about changing this, for your own mental health.

I think you are so overwhelmed and too close to the subject of work. You’re not able to see the wood for the trees because you’re so consumed with stress and comparing yourself. This is where it’s good to lean on your wife, and let her help you. She’s not as close to the subject as you are, she may have good insights from a more objective point of view.

How have you (if you are a professional breadwinner) been addressing issues of proper compensation, recognition, advancement in career? How do you know you need to be paid better vs. you are just allowing your weakness to complain regarding the work? When did you decide that a change (another job) is in the cards? How did you curtail risks of shifting jobs (risks = you chose a worse place, not what you expected, etc)?

Have you sat down with your boss and told them plainly that you’re looking for a promotion? Have you asked what it is that’s stopping them from giving you one?

 

[Retsel]

Agree with LittleLady… ^. Don’t underestimate your wife’s strength, wisdom and willingness to be your equal partner! She’s there to help you, don’t be afraid to share, teach and learn.

Regarding employees, owners/bosses may be talking big picture/long term but are mostly concerned about short term getting and keeping talent. (In that order.)

It’s best to know your value first then approach the boss. This is done through job search and offers.

My opinion: Those who change jobs get the most recognition/pay.

 

[Convert3]

Your wife is your life partner and an invaluable resource. Keep her involved! Make sure she knows the family finances in case something should happen to you!

Regarding your career, do excellent work and make yourself invaluable. Always be on the lookout for new opportunities inside and outside the company. Make sure you get along with everyone and keep a positive attitude. Most of all, be honest and respectful.

 

[1ke]

What is your profession? What is the typical career path and what is the career path at your specific organization?

What steps have you already taken, such as conversations with your manager, to make your career path expectations known?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I generally knew it was time to find a new job when my current job was either ending (contract ended, laid off, or just didn’t have work coming in) or I was just fed up with what I was doing in return for the pay I was getting.

Most of my so-called “professional mentors” were useless for finding jobs. I did have a few people who were great to work with for on-the-job training, but as far as finding career opportunities, nope. That only works if you’re someone’s little protégé or if they’re afraid you’ll sue or whistle blow over something so they find you a job. Most people I know who found jobs did it either by using an established hiring channel, like a placement office or headhunter, or by persevering and beating down doors and asking everyone for leads and basically selling themselves to an employer. A mentor didn’t help most of them.

As for not wanting to share this with your wife, I’m a woman, I was a wife for 23 years, my husband and I both brought goodly amounts of money into the house with our respective careers, we discussed stuff but we each took responsibility for our own career. So your situation to me is like some alien who just landed, I can’t really address it, sorry.

 

[tony-nj]

I can’t help but wonder, what I’m doing wrong…more than once my organization has failed to properly recognizing me and not sure how to bring this to our leadership attention with good faith.

Approach your leadership and be honest. Tell them that you notice that they have promoted these younger guys ahead of you, and you would like to know what you can do to improve your chances of growing in your career. This doesn’t put you on the “attack”, but rather you are asking for them to evaluate where you can improve (not saying that you need it). This gives you the perfect non threatening opportunity to call attention to yourself and accomplishments. Maybe they are unaware of all that you do. I actually saw an email once from a manager who was recognizing a co-worker for good work. The only problem was the work that was being recognized was mine. Yup. I bet the other guy never thought that would have happened.

 

[radiaz]

Yes, you are. Being head of the household doesn’t stop you having emotional needs and requiring emotional support. Let your wife support you, ask her for help. It doesn’t make you weak and it doesn’t make you less of a man. Talk to her about your job worries and come to a plan of action together. Taking all the decisions yourself puts a heavy burden on you - you can share it with her. That’s what marriage is. Knowing you ultimately make the decisions (and feeling that your judgement needs to be good 100% of the time) is a really massive burden you’ve placed on yourself, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s contributed to your stress now. I know you have a traditional set-up, but I would really urge you to think about changing this, for your own mental health.

I think you are so overwhelmed and too close to the subject of work. You’re not able to see the wood for the trees because you’re so consumed with stress and comparing yourself. This is where it’s good to lean on your wife, and let her help you. She’s not as close to the subject as you are, she may have good insights from a more objective point of view.

Thanks for the swift kick in the butt! You are right, I never thought that she may be as eager to help me as I am her. Two strands make a stronger rope. Thanks again for the reminders, perspective, and advice!

 

[Peeps]

Just a thought, and I hope you won’t take offense.

Is it possible that you are being passed over for promotion because of your “traditional” personality traits?

E.g., do you speak in a very old-fashioned way and use old-fashioned phrases and idioms in your conversation? I’m not talking about common politeness and courtesy, but rather, using language and speaking mannerisms that make you seem like you belong in the 1930s and 1940s? Do you joke around with your co-workers about sports, music, current events, etc., or do you avoid these conversations because you aren’t up on any sports, music, or current events? Do you ever go out with your co-workers outside of working hours?

How about dress? Now I realize that there are men and women who enjoy wearing “vintage” clothing. One of my male co-workers wears a top hat (known as a “beaver” back in it’s day) and a long frockcoat–he looks positively Victorian! Of course, we all work in a hospital lab, and no one cares what anyone wears!

Finally–and please don’t get mad at me for asking; I’m only trying to help. Are you judgmental? Do you make any comments implying that you are “better” than others because your wife is a homemaker supported by you? Do you act (or speak) in such a way that seems condescending to others?

I ask all this because I know several men who attend the Latin Mass parish in our city, and they literally look, talk, and act like they just stepped out of a 1950s Superman comic book. I don’t mind at all, but I’m guessing that if they work in a company in which people are vying for promotions and other perks, they will be passed over for both because they don’t fit in with the company culture.

And I could be very wrong about you–you could be one of the coolest guys in your company! Apologies if I’ve really missed the mark–the title of your thread asked for “practical advice,” and I’m trying to do just that.

 

[radiaz]

Peeps! No offense taken! I’m actually not very traditional, at times I’ve wished I was!

I don’t speak in a very old-fashioned way and I get along with my co-workers great, and even have a few I would consider friends. I try and participate in as many out-of-office get-togethers as I can.

My dress if fairly typical of business casual: dress shirt and chinos. If you saw me on the street, I would just be a regular “Joe”.

I don’t believe I come off as judgmental, although, my personality is more “judging”. But that is typically first aimed at myself rather than anyone else. My wife is a stay-at-home mom not particularly because of being more traditional, but we believed there was a benefit for our children to have one of the parents at home rather than being raised in a daycare environment. ,

I can totally see where you are coming from! Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[radiaz]

I am an architect. My everyday role is of a Project Architect but I’ve been told I can choose to continue in that path or choose a Design Architect path. (FYI: Project Architects are those who furnish the plans, draw the details, visit the construction site, etc. Design Architects are more focused with aesthetics.)

I’ve talked to my immediate manager and he gave me some pointers, but I sometimes feel he’s also under pressure to keep me under pressure…if that makes sense. I’ve already scheduled a couple of lunch meetings with our Principals (pretty much the bosses of our studio) to discuss a bit more. One obstacle I have seen, and this exactly happened last year, is that I’ll meet with one of the Principals regularly to let him know about my accomplishments, and when yearly evaluations happen, he has seemed to forget everything we talked about. I had the worst evaluation that year, and luckily, I had printed proof of everything I had done this past year. This compelled them to revise their evaluation.

 

[Jen7]

My husband really found a lot of benefit from reading (and re reading) a book about the value of work by Cardinal Wyzinsky (sp?) You can get it on amazon. It gave him a lot of advice for dealing with work during frustrating phases. My husband has also been known to be very forthright with his boss. If he sees that others with his credentials and experience are being paid more, he has had a frank chat with the boss about it! And, yes, he has a mentor from our parish - a gentleman about 10 years older. They are not in the same line of work but are both breadwinners & dads.

Wish I could offer you more. I agree with those who say invite your wife into what you’re experiencing! There’s a reason the Bible refers to Eve as Adam’s helper. Traditional roles don’t have to mean you have to do all the thinking. Chances are your wife has fresh ideas and words of encouragement!

 

[Jen7]

If my wife has ever an issue/question with her life or our child’s life, she comes to me for advice or for help to come to a decision. I have to exercise good judgement to provide her with a confident, truest answer.

This is off topic, but please do realize your wife may be more of an “expert” on her own needs and those of your child (on account of her being home with the child all day.) A wise older man once told me family life runs smoothest if the hierarchy goes like this:

Husband
Mother
Wife
Father
Children

In other words, he’s head as husband… but in parenting decisions she is actually the head because she is the “kid expert.”

Not advice you asked for… but just sharing because it has meant a LOT to me as a stay at home mom that my husband often defers to me on parenting decisions. Otherwise I would just be the maid-with-benefits, yes?

 

[1ke]

I’ve already scheduled a couple of lunch meetings with our Principals (pretty much the bosses of our studio) to discuss a bit more.

This is good. Be direct, tell him where you want to be and ask what you have to do to get there-- salary wise, position wise, etc. Also tell him you are concerned regarding last year’s evaluation because you met or exceeded your goals and were rated low even after regular meetings to discuss your progress.

I’ll meet with one of the Principals regularly to let him know about my accomplishments, and when yearly evaluations happen, he has seemed to forget everything we talked about. I had the worst evaluation that year, and luckily, I had printed proof of everything I had done this past year. This compelled them to revise their evaluation.

Something is really off in this scenario.

As a manager myself, I can tell you that while I might not list every accomplishment of a team member when reviewing the year, and i might forget a few, I have never given a poor review to someone who was working successfully and then blamed it on forgetting. Especially since in your case you are regularly updating the boss.

I would suggest following up any conversations you have on your performance with monthly status updates in writing including progress to goal, goals exceeded, unscheduled work completed, etc. – and send to all principals, not just the one. Maybe you aren’t being quantitative enough when you present your progress? Maybe too qualitative in your explanations? Talk in terms of projects you bring in on budget, under budget (hopefully not over budget), ROI on projects, etc. Rather than just listing out all the things you did-- make sure you are relating that to how it impacts the bottom line of the business.