Prayer & Mental issues

[speaker1777]

I have gone through two strange adventures inside my head. I suppose they could be labeled schizophrenic. Both times, it had to do with perceiving that certain people were communicating with me within my mind. The difference was the 1st time at the psychiatric ward, this involved only members on the ward and the second time, it had to do with persons I never met in real life and even God. I believed I could see who was ‘influencing’ who in terms of thought control or influence and I was to break people free by the use of verses from sacred scripture. “The truth will set you free”, I suppose was a foundation for searching through what I had in my mind. As I was there for 3 months, after the 1st month, the madness began. It was hard to tell what was reality. The ‘sense of reality’ was lost because I was looking to intently at the spiritual significance of every sight and sound instead of using practical common sense. The communications from particular members also in the ward would have a profound effect on how I would feel inside. Whoever “came” into my head, I wanted to give them the verse that would draw that person closer to God. At this point, I was a babe in the church, but I had believed in Jesus long before I understood later that baptism was significant. Anyway, I was eventually heavily medicated and everything came to a halt. (well, the psychosis of “psychicness” lingered; I just suspected that the drugs blocked my mind from being able to do things I never thought possible.) I suppose I had too much drive to be used by God for some heavenly purpose so I in a sense pushed myself into this madness. maybe. I suppose also I desired to completely have done away with any evil thoughts and only be in the light of his Word. Anyway, there is too much I could think about but I will get on with my post.

Sometimes, my mind conjures up words I don’t mean to think. A strange occurance is that whenever I think of certain words like “heart” it is adjusted or echoed with an “f” making the word “fheart”. This bothers me in that whenever I think certain phrases, like my heart, or sacred heart of jesus, my brain intrudes on my line of thinking and inserts the “f” before the word. I am hardly likely to say it with the “f”, but my thoughts are interrupted not according to my will. or so it seems.

Sometimes, I feel like my heart or brain curses God or people with the use of the intruding “f” word. I don’t know what it is. I would never speak the words in my head but they are there intruding.

These days, I struggle with prayer. I remember: pray always, pray in the spirit, the prayer of a just man availeth much. Pray with my heart. I just don’t know what I am doing when I pray. I am contrite and wish to be united back to Christ through the sacraments. I suppose this is God’s actual grace moving me; I just don’t know what I am doing when I say words to God. He already knows everything I am thinking and going to say. I suppose these are prayers if they are directed towards him?

The tradition of the rosary goes far back to the 1200s, i believe. What am I doing when saying the prayers of the rosary? I read that there is a partial or plenurary? indulgence when recited alone or in a group. I suppose I am asking Our Lady to pray for us, but why ask 10 times in a row?

I don’t know. Well, I know I really need to goto bed in order to wake up in time to goto confession and maybe eucharist although I feel very unworthy. Although I suppose I am made worthy if my conscious is clear through confession.

I think there is dissonance in my head and heart. Although I have sufficient reasons to attend mass and do all the things required to love God, my heart is lacking.

I don’t think this post is very coherent. I am just possibly rambling. Good nite.

 

[PhilotheaZ]

With regard to the mental health issues, they really cannot be dealt with on this forum, except to encourage you to continue seeking good mental health care to help you deal with them, and to assure you of my prayers (and, I hope, those of other forum members) for you.

These days, I struggle with prayer. I remember: pray always, pray in the spirit, the prayer of a just man availeth much. Pray with my heart. I just don’t know what I am doing when I pray. I am contrite and wish to be united back to Christ through the sacraments. I suppose this is God’s actual grace moving me; I just don’t know what I am doing when I say words to God. He already knows everything I am thinking and going to say. I suppose these are prayers if they are directed towards him?

Prayer doesn’t always have to involve saying words to God. When you desire to pray, that is already the action of the Holy Spirit within you. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you, to be the prayer within you. When you tell God you want to pray and need His help, you are already praying! And sometimes prayer can be just quieting your mind (I know that can sometimes be difficult) and allowing yourself to rest in the presence of God, aware of His love, like a little baby resting in its Father’s arms.

… What am I doing when saying the prayers of the rosary? I read that there is a partial or plenurary? indulgence when recited alone or in a group. I suppose I am asking Our Lady to pray for us, but why ask 10 times in a row?

When you pray the Rosary, you are in the company of Mary, meditating on (thinking about) the life of Jesus through the eyes of His mother, the person who knew Him best. Most of the time during the Rosary you should be thinking about the Mysteries of the Rosary — those scenes from the life of Jesus (and Mary), such as Jesus’ birth, His crucifixion, His resurrection, etc. These Mysteries (Joyful, Sorrowful, Luminous, or Glorious) are the heart of the Rosary. All those Hail Marys can be like background music to remind you that Mary is there praying with you. It’s like saying, “Mary, my mother, take my hand and through these mysteries tell me about the life of Jesus that you know so well, and show me how I can imitate His life and His love.” Sometimes it can be hard to be thinking about the Mysteries while saying the words of the Hail Mary. It’s OK for your mind to go back and forth between them, in whatever way the Holy Spirit leads you.

I think there is dissonance in my head and heart. Although I have sufficient reasons to attend mass and do all the things required to love God, my heart is lacking.

When you say “my heart is lacking,” perhaps you mean that feelings are lacking. Remember that the spiritual life is not about feeling happy or holy; it’s about loving God (an act of the will) and doing what He wants you to do (more acts of the will). In terms of your growth in holiness, feelings are relatively unimportant, and can sometimes be deceiving. Make a firm commitment to love God and obey His will, and you will be very pleasing to Him, whether you feel it or not.

Saint Dymphna and Saint Margaret of Cortona are patron saints of those who suffer from various kinds of mental and emotional difficulties. Allow them to be your “big sisters in heaven,” asking them to pray for you. God bless you!

 

[Coreopisis]

Speaker,
You really have a lot of stuff going on inside that head of yours. I am not sure I can help but I am going to try a bit.

First of all let me say that I am really glad that you recognize that you have some mental health issues and are actively seeking help for it. I know a few people with these same issues who are in denial and that is just a nightmare. Please keep that up.

It sounds like there is a lot of noise in your head and since you are analytical I am sure it is all confusing.

I think the best thing for you would be to do what the other poster said and focus on your will. Sometimes we go to Church and don’t “feel” anything BUT God is happy because we wanted to go. Our will made us go. You are willing yourself to be spiritual and close to God. I think this is perfect and you just need to keep this up even if you don’t feel anything.

Sometimes our soul is improving and our body doesn’t sense it.

I think you’re doing a great job. Keep it up!

Sarah

 

[reen12]

quote: speaker1777

I don’t think this post is very coherent. I am just possibly rambling. Good nite.

Hello, speaker1777. http://bestsmileys.com/waving/5.gif

Welcome to CAF.

I found your post most coherent.
As I approached psychosis, years ago, I had dropped a quarter
on the floor of a store, knelt down to retrieve it, and was overcome
by the thought: “I am worshipping mammon.” Even as I thought this,
I knew that this was not connected with reality, but this shook me, nonetheless.
Thoughts spun out of control, at a thousand mph, and my brain made dozens of ‘connections,’ with any given thought.
It is critically important to seek - and to continue with - professional care,
when the brain begins serving up images that are not reality based.
God hears our prayers, and so does His mother, I think - in whatever way
we can manage to pray.

You are in my poor prayers, speaker1777. I ask God to walk with you,
each day and each moment.

reen12

 

[speaker1777]

When you say good mental health care, I am not sure what you mean. I do visit with a doctor that works in a VA clinic periodically and we chat about whatever. In my experience, it seems that drugs are the solution to a mental problem. The bad part is, the drugs they prescribe are littered with bad side effects. I suppose this isn’t such a bad solution because they there isn’t much else a person can do with reason when someone’s mind is unusable.

I did read about a doctor that had success with using vitamins, especially vitamin b-3, in alieving? the symtoms of a schrizophrenic mind. Of course, this was never ‘proven’ enough to gain acceptance by the major medical establishment. The thing is, because of the nature of the man-made drugs, I have a hard time considering the mental health care establishment ‘good’. The people mean well and I thank them for that, but their solutions are not so good. In schizophrenia, the mind is shattered in a sense because the mind works outside the will of the person it belongs to. I suppose the solution lays in the the mind producing less neurotransmitters making more connections then is needed. (But then again, schools want “creativity” and “original” thinking and even in life sometimes, we try hard to get outside the box for whatever reasons… but in my own thoughts recent thoughts: do I really need to? … Is not the truth what I need and is not the truth revealed to me by the Holy Spirit? and one step further, is not the Holy Spirit alive through the members of the body of Christ, the church?) The nutrient Vitamin b-3 is similar to nicotine. Thus, vitamin B-3 has similar effects as nicotine. Smokers are found to have lower occurances of schizophrenia. The substance is used by the brain, possibly not absolutely directly… cause I don’t know, but it quiets the mind in reducing the overload of synapses which is what is happening in a schrizophrenic mind. I suppose that is why some people say smoking helps them relax. But unlike nicotine, the body does not become dependent on vitamin b-3.

As for rosary praying, even though I could consider myself having a wild imaginative ability, I have no way of thinking about any of the mysteries while I am saying the words. For example in the birth of Jesus, I just know there was a super-natural conception, but the only significance is that the Son of God became flesh. How do I “think” about that any more? I suppose that is why these mysteries are mysteries. I always wonder, what is going on in the minds of those who are able to diligently pray the rosary every day. As a matter of fact, any formal praying, novenas, etc (I am new to these things). What is going on in the mind? For in my experience, my mind just goes everywhere to the point of insanity or nowhere cause I don’t know where to take it.

I recall the message of Mary when she gave the rosary to st. dominic? (I don’t remember who). She said this is a tool to keep people from going into heresy. I think the area where he lived there was much heresy and he was to teach this to these people to help them know the truth. I suppose there lays the key to its purpose. I guess through the mysteries we affirm certain things about Jesus, keeping whoever keeps the mysteries in unison with what is revealed by the church, thus in unison with the truth, who is God.

I still don’t know how I ‘pray’ the rosary. I suppose I need to be taught it. I did find a paper online in what words are spoken and what mysteries are meditated, but I am just saying empty words. I remember one time at a parish, we had a group rosary after mass. After we so finished. A woman started to sing “Ave Maria” so beautifully, it touched me as it probably did everyone there. At this moment (because I was trying to perfect my mind in the ability to observe the movements of what is senseable by the human senses… everything I see and hear is has a purpose from God, leading me to try and “connect” every sense to all I understood (crazy enough?)), my mind was very keen on tempo, pitch, dynamics, annunciation of words, etc, and the song was sung so perfectly, it was like being in heaven or just too perfectly done by a mere human singing a song.

Although, this makes me consider that I was insisting that I find a solution to what I perceived to be reality. Reality being what I currently held to be truth, which was that Jesus came to save sinners and so likewise, I should spend every waking moment leading an example of what I thought to be what I needed to do. … so many resolutions, but it was madness. I suppose, to believe anything is to hold an article of faith. I suppose scientists hold to naturalism but to a degree because somethings defy the laws of nature, but to hold to that article, instead of considering a higher power, all things could be explained via laws. But I am just going through my thoughts. …making connections… I suppose in knowing my condition, I should not stress my mind to make ‘‘extra=ordinary’’ connections, assisting in my body responding by producing too many neurotransmitters. But I suppose I am guilty of something. Guilty of trying to look too deep when the truth is right by me. Guilty of trying to be ‘extra-ordinary’ with the facilities of the mind. But I suppose, i believed it to be a requirement to try to live in a careless world. We know the love of God through his mercy and only those that truely know Jesus, go forth and do the 14 acts of corporal and spiritual mercy in which when I see someone do such, I see Jesus because no human heart cares like that. I suppose these acts of love are possible through some via actual graces, but only when in sanctifying grace, i think a person will go forth in these acts of love, even in families. But it is a willful heart to try and live always in sanctifying grace. Yet what is sanctifying grace?

I am able to collect my thoughts here and I suppose it is like a prayer. I know that my actions are limited to my thoughts and where should my thoughts be, but on God. I guess this is how I would pray always? Maybe, the spirit leads some to pray the rosary and thus it is fruitful for that person or group to pray the mysteries of truth. Maybe, writing here is spirit led? Follow the leading of the spirit? I suppose if one is in sanctifying grace, the Holy Spirit is always leading as long as one does not say in there heart, “I will do this wrong even though I understand fully why it is evil”. But there is denying Christ before men which leads to Christ denying that person before his father. But there is worry not about what men can do to the body, but what God can do to the body and soul. And I know God can send me to ever-lasting punishment because I don’t know all my sins, but I know I have not done perfectly. Yet I suppose that is why there are two different types of sins. The kind that can be forgiven through prayer and or eucharist, and the kind that can be only forgiven through an act of contrition.

Boy, I spent a long time here. I should be doing homework. =X and I didn’t even stick to one topic. Well, thank you all for your kindness. The Lord be with you.

 

[speaker1777]

I just wanted to add, that when I say ‘doctor’ i mean specifically a psychiatrist.

 

[reen12]

quote: speaker1777

In my experience, it seems that drugs are the solution to a mental problem. The bad part is, the drugs they prescribe are littered with bad side effects.

I hear you on that. Sometimes, it takes time, working with a psychiatrist,
to find the meds that help, with the fewest side effects.

quote: speaker1777

I have no way of thinking about any of the mysteries while I am saying the words.

I don’t get that, either, speaker1777. Maybe somebody who prays the rosary could explain, clearly, how one can meditate on a mystery, while saying Hail Mary’s. I’ve never been able to figure that out. Either one says a Hail Mary, or one meditates. I don’t know how to do both.
Yet I do find it restful and calming, saying the Hail Mary’s. I don’t know why, but it is.

quote: speaker1777

We know the love of God through his mercy and only those that truely know Jesus, go forth and do the 14 acts of corporal and spiritual mercy in which when I see someone do such, I see Jesus because no human heart cares like that.

I do know that the corporal and spiritual works of mercy are beautiful.I find them calming, because I can read them, and have a practical way of knowing what God asks. His grace helps each of us to practice the corporal and spiritual works of mercy.
Even on very hard days, with illness, I am still able to ‘pray for the living.’

quote: speaker1777

…when I see someone do such,

I see Jesus because no human heart cares like that.

I think so, too.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, speaker1777.
I hope that the homework went well.

reen12

 

[onaquest]

Your words are an echo of what is in my heart. I am bipolar and suffer from delusions and psychotic features if I am not on my medicine. Thanks be to God that I have found the right doctors and they have treated my illness successfully.

However I suffer from some of the same pains in prayer that you do and I can only say to you–persevere. I pray the rosary everyday and I also find that my mind settles on the finality of a mystery and cannot proceed any further. My imagination has taken a hike and any emotional response to the splendor of the mysteries is stunted. I take this now as a grace, my mind is not a reliable one and has been carried away by this illness. I see my stillness of imagination as a resting place where I can just give my self over to the words, that are to be trusted, and the mysteries that will always be bigger than me. The repetition of the Hail Mary frees me to give myself over to God. Not to say that my mind isn’t endlessly wandering but the Hail Mary is always there continually pulling me back.

THe longer I’ve prayed the rosary since my diagnosis the more consolations I have received. Like today with the Presentation I was struck by the closeness of Mary and Jesus and their intimacy was extended to me for a brief fleeting moment and then I proceeded to go back to the dryness of my prayer. Praying the rosary for me is not a zoning out out on the high of the mysteries it is a journey that I walk with Christ , sometimes I am little and seemingly insignificant like a babe born in the manger, other times I stumble and fall and am humiliated by my own thoughts, I can at times be hopeful and looking towards heaven and glorifying God. Only to be taken back down led around the track again while I plod along with my human failings.

Where I find my greatest prayer struggle, is lectio divina. I used to pray in this manner daily and now I am afraid of my own mind and afraid to hear God in my silence that I have abandoned it. I pray I return to it.

God be with you ,I have said a prayer to St. Michael. When I struggled with reality I found it a comfort to leave the battle in the hands of others and St Michael took care of the evil one, while I was sick.

 

[reen12]

quote: onaquest

I pray the rosary everyday and I also find that my mind settles on the finality of a mystery and cannot proceed any further. My imagination has taken a hike and any emotional response to the splendor of the mysteries is stunted. I take this now as a grace, my mind is not a reliable one and has been carried away by this illness. I see my stillness of imagination as a resting place where I can just give my self over to the words, that are to be trusted, and the mysteries that will always be bigger than me. The repetition of the Hail Mary frees me to give myself over to God. Not to say that my mind isn’t endlessly wandering but the Hail Mary is always there continually pulling me back.

That is one of the most beautiful things that I have ever read,
onaquest. I feel priviledged, in having read what you wrote.

Then I went on to read the remainder of your post, and was
in awe at what you have learned, and how articulate you are,
in conveying your thought.

quote: onaquest

THe longer I’ve prayed the rosary since my diagnosis the more consolations I have received. Like today with the Presentation I was struck by the closeness of Mary and Jesus and their intimacy was extended to me for a brief fleeting moment and then I proceeded to go back to the dryness of my prayer. Praying the rosary for me is not a zoning out out on the high of the mysteries it is a journey that I walk with Christ , sometimes I am little and seemingly insignificant like a babe born in the manger, other times I stumble and fall and am humiliated by my own thoughts, I can at times be hopeful and looking towards heaven and glorifying God. Only to be taken back down led around the track again while I plod along with my human failings.

Absolutely beautiful. Thank you, onaquest.

reen12