No, no, no, no, no. Therapists can’t do anything. Priests can’t do anything because they really can’t identify.
I’ve been on this medication for 13 years. It is not the medication. And I’m almost paralyzed in my own head without it. This is about me. This is about the guy that was born as a sensitive, fragile, monster of a human being.
Why not pray for my end? When people are deathly ill, often people pray for them to go gently. How is this any different? My body is healthy, I am strong. I can do anything physically. My mind is diseased. I have nowhere to go. And any purpose I was created for either has to be as an example for others (which is bad for me) or for something bad.
I hate being alone, but I fear being hurt. So I am always alone.
God knows me, and he knows what I’ve gone through. And I am a filthy sinner, and I’ve done horrible things, mostly to myself. But I try and help everyone, and I just want to be loved.
I just want this over. I can’t kill myself. I don’t have the guts to do it. But I can’t affect what God does (obviously). But you can. Pray for my end, so I don’t have to deal with this.
I’ll let the therapist part go, but not the Priest part. Not all Priests have been single all their lives; some have dated, but it may not have felt right to them. A Priest can help if you give him a shot.
You say it isn’t the medication, yet you also say without it, you’re “paralyzed.” That is an issue. You shouldn’t have to rely on medication to get by, no one should. I ask you to please see a doctor about this, as it sounds like it may be becoming an addiction rather than helpful for you.
Because I refuse to. When someone close to me, who was like a second father was diagnosed with terminal cancer two years ago, I didn’t pray for him to “go gently.” I prayed for him to get well, for God to let him stay here. I didn’t want him to die, nor did I ever pray for his end. If anything, I prayed he be accepted into Heaven should he pass away, but not to die or to go gently, because that isn’t what I had in mind. It is much different, because you aren’t ill. You haven’t been given 3 months to live, you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. Imagine this: you go to the doctor for your yearly check-up, just to make sure everything’s running smoothly. He notices something’s off, runs some tests, and determines you only have 3 months to live. How would you react? I can assure you you wouldn’t be saying hooray and going off to party, you would be thinking about yourself, and how it would affect you. You always have some place to go. You must have a relative, a friend, a co-worker, or even someone from your Church. Express how deeply upset, and unhappy you are, and they will listen and help you. “Knock and the door will be opened to you.” If you never knock, how is anyone supposed to know you’re there and that you need help?
That’s a risk we all have to take. I fear being hurt, as well, even more so now that most of my family is divided up because of one person who completely destroyed many relationships I had with my relatives. It’s called life. You have to take it one step at a time. Have you thought about looking to see if there is a group at your parish, or at a coffee shop or something in your town, around your age group? There are always many people there looking for people they can relate to.
If you try, that’s all that matters. By trying, you are showing God, and others that you are putting forth the effort. We are all sinners. We sin. Sin happens, and it happens to everyone, and frequently. I don’t mean to pry, but have you tried going to Confession? These feelings may be cause by a guilty conscience, or just overall guilt for sinning, and that can ruin anyone’s feelings, trust me on that one.
I’m sorry, but I won’t pray for your end. Time flies, and before you know it, you’ll wonder what happened to all of those years that flew by, and wishing that you had them back.
