Prayers for a broken heart

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stelizabethann

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My boyfriend and I love each other very much and we want to get married. We have been dating for a very long time as we first met and fell in love at a fairly young age (I was 17; he was 19). I am now getting ready to graduate college and we had both idealistically wanted to get married at this point. However, we have been at an impasse for several months. Since I joined the church several years ago, he had agreed that we would use NFP after we were married. (We were going to wait a few years before having kids due to some external factors.) My boyfriend is a faithful Cradle Catholic, although certainly not as well-formed as I am. But things have changed in the past six months, and he now refuses to use NFP without also using condoms. The reason behind this is because, although he thinks NFP will probably work, he needs a “contingency plan” and he also does not beliefs using condoms is wrong. In accordance with the Church’s teachings, I believe any form of contraception is intrinsically evil and thus cannot agree to it. He doesn’t agree with the Church. He thinks the “spirit of the Church” is correct, but that it doesn’t apply to married persons. He believes he can change my mind, surely out of desperate hope that we can stay together and get married. But having lived my life apart from God in the past, I cannot intentionally commit such a sin. He believes I am choosing a “rule” over him; I can’t believe that he would ask me to do something that I think is immoral.

He is really not willing to put forth much effort with this because he does not want to change his mind. I met with a priest and even gave him the opportunity to meet with a man who practiced NFP, and my boyfriend did not want to go. He says he has read the relevant chapter of a theology of the body book and has “looked at” Humanae Vitae. But he is being so terribly stubborn…I just don’t know what to do anymore. Although he agreed to NFP in the past, I knew that his beliefs were not as strong in it and thus I have been praying about this issue for years.

We are both committed to each other and have even entertained getting married and abstaining for most of the relationship (but we both know that is just silly), or just plain waiting to get married for several more years (but after 5 years of long distance, that seems silly too…especially because we could be looking at another 4-5 years of dating).

Honestly, this is all just breaks my heart. It is hard to not be sentimental at this point, because in my mind we really should have been planning our wedding at this point and now we are being faced with breaking up. We are on the same page with nearly all major issues…for it to come down to this, it’s really just hard to describe. I am confident that I am doing the right thing by not giving in to using contraceptives, although it would truthfully be the easiest thing to do.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Anything I can tell him? Show him? Any Bible verses to pray about or send him?

Please just pray for us. At least that he may understand where I am coming from. I love him so very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I know that I cannot compromise my beliefs even if it is to be with the man I love. He thinks I would be choosing a “rule” over him, but he does not understand that I would be choosing God over him.

Thank you all and God Bless.
 
I will certainly pray for you and your boyfriend (EX). I can tell you from experience that this is the best thing that happens to you if you truly believe in the Catholic Church’s teachings. My wife converted, but I’ve realized that she has put very little into our marriage when I try to do things to help us grow closer together in Christ. She automatically believes/thinks I’m going to try to beret or accuse her about something I bring up to try to discuss it so that she realizes how much I truly love her. But after I tell her she just clams up. I always thought this was just her protestant way from how she grew up and what happened to her as a teen. Now I believe I was really just her ticket out of her town and her family life at home. I’ve tried endlessly to make it work to a fault. We now have 3 children, 18, 11 and 7. Yeap, you guessed it. She ABCed our marriage to death in spite of how I felt about it. To top it off, she had her tubes tied after the last on the day after her birth. I wanted a larger family and feel blessed with what God gave me. I made my own bed and now I have to live in it… if not for my sake and hers, for the sake of our children. There is nothing worse than to be in a relationship in which you do not feel loved or appreciated or to feel used. I’m her excuse for not living a full life. I should have followed my gut many years ago. But I kept choosing this, even convalication for the sake of our children. To top if off, I’ve recently discovered through proper diagnosis that I’ve been suffering from PTSD since before I even met her, which explains a lot of my actions.

God has something wonderful in store for you. Don’t miss out on the blessings he has by mourning your loss over a relationship in which you obviously entered too early. Before my wife, I too had a long term relationship end in disaster for me. God had something else in mind…return to the seminary is what I believe he was calling me to and I kept hiding, trying to avoid things I won’t get into here. God loves you very much, I know you already know. He will bring something greater out of this I’m certain. I’ll light a candle to remind me of you and your current situation. Your story reminds me to rededicate my life to Christ and my marriage. The only place that you will ever be filled up is through Christ Jesus by way of the Holy Spirit. “Fill me with your spirit, Oh God” I’m sure it’s more complex than that. But you get my drift.

(Been married over 23 years, nearly 6 yerars convalidated). Pray for my marriage too. You see, it never really becomes easy. You have to be willing to work at it.

Prayers.
 
stelizabethann said:
he does not understand that I would be choosing God over him.
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This is the crux of the problem.

I know 5 years is a long time to spend in a relationship, but this is a very serious issue.
You and he are on different pages of your faith, and it does not seem he is going to soften on his hard stand. I don’t see how you can compromise on this, so I don’t see how this would work in a marriage, I am sorry to say. I don’t think waiting a longer time period will help either. 😊
 
My husband also originally agreed to use NFP and then changed his mind, AFTER we had been married several years and had children. I know it sucks going through this, but trust me, you are very lucky this is happening now, BEFORE you are married. PLEASE don’t marry him unless he really, truly changes his mind (and isn’t just going along with NFP to please you).
 
Thank you for your replies. I should probably clarify some things. He is very proud of me for being strong in my faith. He tells me that frequently. He isn’t belittling me, but he certainly doesn’t agree with me. He has told me that he would be able to deal with it better if I told
him we couldn’t eat pork…so yes, he does not really understand that it is not just a rule, but so much more than that. To him, it is a rule to abide by like if we were to keep kosher. It is simply this one issue that he doesn’t agree with, and he doesn’t really have the formation to understand why he is wrong. After I sent this last night, he called me and said he was going to think about using NFP but also using a fertility kit (I think it’s called that…where I would be able to test my hormones.) The thing is, he does not have a problem with NFP. He thinks it would be good for our marriage. The problem is he doesn’t think it would really work and wants to double up by using condoms. I don’t know how to convince him that condoms are wrong, as I’ve been trying for a long time. But if he can at least see that there is no need for condoms because NFP is effective, then I think things will be okay. Am I correct in thinking this?

So we could use a lot of prayers.
 
stelizabethann said:
…The thing is, he does not have a problem with NFP. He thinks it would be good for our marriage. The problem is he doesn’t think it would really work and wants to double up by using condoms. I don’t know how to convince him that condoms are wrong, as I’ve been trying for a long time. But if he can at least see that there is no need for condoms because NFP is effective, then I think things will be okay. Am I correct in thinking this?
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I’m not sure. I would say that it would be an improvement for him to trust the effectiveness of NFP enough to not use immoral means. But my concern, as I read your posts, is that when he is faced with the possibility that following a rule of the church might be really hard (ie-ending up pregnant when you don’t want to be), he chooses his preference over the rule of the church. I would be concerned less about the specifics of his mistrust of NFP and more about how he prioritizes his will over God’s will in general.

Let’s say he is convinced to use NFP without condoms. Then marriage actually comes, and he finds out that your fertile time lasts longer than he thought it would, and he finds out that abstaining on those days is more difficult than he imagined. Is he going to have the moral fortitude to joyfully make that sacrifice and continue along using only NFP, or is he going to decide that NFP is failing him, and pressure you into using condoms after all. What happens if he doesn’t notice it being “good for your marriage?” After all, some people, even though they know it to be right, still find NFP to be a burden. If this turns out to be true for you, will he still be willing to use it? What if, through either the very very low “failure” rate, or through your own decisions, you end up having more children than he feels he can handle. What if he becomes worried for your health, or worried that even condoms have a large failure rate. Will he end up with a vasectomy, or pressure you to have a tubal ligation?

My point is this - the way you describe him, I wonder if he looks at his faith as something only to be followed as long as it is not too big of an imposition. There are other areas, not just those to do with reproduction, that one might decide to choose his own ideas over the church’s doctrine. If/when you have children, all of these things will influence how they learn the faith as well. An attitude of “obedience until it is hard” can have far-reaching effects on a family. I would encourage you to consider, and discuss with him, some of these possibilities - go beyond the one issue of nfp, and think of the big picture.

I will pray for you.
 
ThyKingdomCome…thank you, you have sound advice and I am going to really think about it and pray about it.

I think your concern about him following the faith as long as it is not too much of an imposition is legitimate. I think there is some truth in that, but I do think that he has chosen fortitude in other difficult aspects of the faith. For example, despite being a young couple in a long distance relationship for nearly five years, we have been able to remain chaste. I think that shows that he accepts the church’s teaching and understands the beauty of waiting until marriage. But also abstaining from premarital sex is more obvious and clear as far as being the right thing…NFP with condoms, while still intrinsically evil, is less obvious. To a certain extent, I understand where he is coming from…I just pray that he could understand the reason behind the church’s teaching so that he wouldn’t see it as simply a “rule” but, like the church’s teaching about reserving sex for marriage, as a truth that ensures the beauty of such a sacrifice. To clarify some of your hypothetical concerns, I would not have to worry about some of the more drastic measures of birth control you mentioned, because my boyfriend is very much against hormonal contraceptives and would never, ever advocate for sterilization for either of us. That much I know with certainty.

I truly appreciate your prayers.
 
stelizabethann said:
But things have changed in the past six months, and he now refuses to use NFP without also using condoms. The reason behind this is because, although he thinks NFP will probably work, he needs a “contingency plan” and he also does not beliefs using condoms is wrong.
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ask your boyfriend if he is comfortable dictating to God.

Because basically it was God who designed sexual relations to produce offspring. Your boyfriend wishes to enjoy the pleasures of sex with none of the responsibilities. Therefore he doesn’t trust God to give you both the children you are to have. Trusting God is very, very hard to do but the most rewarding thing you can ever learn to do.

Today’s society has stressed the pleasures of sex to the extent that most people today really think that pleasure is the purpose of sex and babies are just a side effect that must be endured or gotten rid of.

I am one of six children. I think I had a happier childhood than my husband who was one of two. He had more stuff and did more things. But all that taught him was to value stuff and things. We had very little and learned to value each other. Large families should not be feared. They can be the source of great joy.
 
I had a boyfriend and everyone thought he was so amazing and good for me and that he loved me. I was so excited I was jumping out of my skin. I told myself (and others) that we had “so much in common” and that we matched up about 95%. But it was that 5% that was our downfall. The 5% was about following God’s rules. Thank God that I didn’t marry him. My percentages were way off.

Find the 100% man, as far as putting God first. Something is deeply wrong here.

Keeping you and others in my prayers.
 
Hey, Stelizabethann, in some sense I’m in the same place where you are or rather have been there. In short, contraception is wrong and just because a Catholic is generally not forbidden to marry and have relations with a spouse who is using birth control unilaterally, doesn’t mean that it is an agreeable option.

For example, I just couldn’t not think about the potential death of an actually conceived early stage foetus caused by the chemicals present in a contraceptive pill. It would kill all the joy, make me want to avoid relations and be uncomitted to them, it would create resentment, I would have difficulties respecting the woman. So, in short, no. It does reduce my chances of not dying without issue, but since my so called pedigree is a genealogist’s nightmare, that might not be the worst thing. 😉

At any rate, life’s too short to worry. Don’t compromise on your principles, soldier on, be brave. At least you’ll have made a fine tale. You can ignore a guy being a tad bit too short or too shy, or working a dead end job or faving a less than exciting breath. But the things you mention are serious.

For the record, don’t be guilt-tripped that you would supposedly be dumping him over a trivial detail. Those are important things and not trivial details. And it’s he who says he won’t budge, and he has actually changed mind on you. Which basically means it isn’t you, it’s he. Like I said, don’t be guilt-tripped into believing it’s you. Or, let alone, into staying with him under his rules.
 
Why would he be so resistant to starting a family once you are married? That is what marriage is for - for creating a new family. If a person has such fear/trepidation about having children, then he’s not ready for marriage, IMO. That’s what Catholics do - we PROCREATE!!

🙂
 
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