Pre-marital Sex & Fornication

[schaeffer]

I can not blame him. I started it. I thought he was cute. I never really knew what he thought of me. I offered sex. He agreed it. I guess I just wanted him to like me. He did not. He never did. He liked other girls though. I was just the girl, he used (I let him use me), when he did not have any options. I thought if I kept on doing it. He would eventually like me. It sucks he just does not care about me. He does not feel this way. None of this affects him. I hate how easily men can move on without caring. He moved on to a nice girl, anyways. I am pretty girl. Other guys would tell me this in front of him many times. I used to think being pretty was important.

Big hugs. What a painful situation. People get into relationships based on all kinds of things, hopes, dreams, expectations. Sometimes the expectation is that there is commitment, and sometimes the expectation is that there are “no strings attached”.

It is always best to be dead honest with ourselves and the other person about what we want and expect in the relationship. This goes for every kind of relationship, personal, business, etc. There never are guarantees but we do put ourselves at lower risk for being hurt and disappointed.

Many times relationships don’t work not because a person is lacking in worthiness, but because of basic incompatibility and expectations. It has nothing to do with your not being pretty enough, or anything else. Not being desired by a particular person doesn’t indicate anything is wrong or lacking in you.

If the set up was friends with benefits, no strings attached, then one of you moving on, without caring, was actually the initial agreement. Though it hurts, it IS what both of you signed on for. Recognizing what it is we are actually doing, helps us be more clear and intentional when we make decisions. You realize now that you had hoped that sex would lead to emotional intimacy. You realize now that he truly wanted the no strings attached option.

Trial and error can be very hard on us, learning only via means of broken hearts and physical consequences in life. Following the example and guidance of people we admire and trust can save us much heart ache.

I am wondering if this man was truly a friend to begin with.

A man older and wiser than me told me that when two people lie down with one another, at least one gets up with feelings. Looking back at my life and the lives of friends I see he is right. I now believe that if people are truly and deeply friends, they would understand that a physical relationship is never that simple, and that the risk of hurting the other is so great that it is best to NOT go there, unless the desire is for a true, deep, emotional and committed relationship. Friends don’t put their friends at risk.

There are a lot of “rules and regulations” around the subject of sex because the consequences of sexual intimacy are so significant. Heart break, STDs, pregnancy, feelings of regret, shame and loss of self worth, feelings of intimacy and closeness, trust, being one with another person. So much joy and so much pain are on the line. The rules are there to protect us, not to keep us from having fun.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I can not blame him. I started it. I thought he was cute. I never really knew what he thought of me. I offered sex. He agreed it. I guess I just wanted him to like me. He did not. He never did. He liked other girls though. I was just the girl, he used (I let him use me), when he did not have any options. I thought if I kept on doing it. He would eventually like me. It sucks he just does not care about me. He does not feel this way. None of this affects him. I hate how easily men can move on without caring. He moved on to a nice girl, anyways. I am pretty girl. Other guys would tell me this in front of him many times. I used to think being pretty was important.

I appreciate your honesty.

 

[Xantippe]

You know, I honestly have a hard time sympathizing with your situation. It might not be politically correct anymore, but we used to have a word for a woman that acted in the way you describe and it rhymes with “cut”. Girl, sex isn’t something to be used to trap a boyfriend or husband, Sex should be reserved for the confines of a lasting and happy marriage. I think you should reread the last lines of your post and realize this has been a life lesson you needed to learn. Don’t do that again. You have way more worth than just what you can get with your body. I read a post similar to this yesterday. What are woman thinking!! Anyway, good luck.

Wow–who knew that the definition of “rhymes with cut” was “woman who tries to buy one man’s love with sex”? I thought promiscuity was a necessary ingredient in the definition of “rhymes with cut,” but I guess you learn something new every day.

oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/slut

(And come to find out, Oxford disagrees with you. The definition they give in their American dictionary is “woman who has many casual sexual partners.”)

 

[Catholic1954]

I entered into one of those friends with benefits type relationships. You meet up for sex, no strings attached. Being a typical a girl, I ended up getting attached. I started to like him. I completely initiated the arrangement. I thought he was really cute. I thought if I got with him enough, he would like me. It is difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea, that this guy honestly just sees or wants me for sex. That is it. I love to imagine, deep down somewhere he likes, he cares or he is hiding his true feelings. Evidence proves otherwise. I guess I found out, he has moved on to another girl. Honestly, it really hurts. It makes me wonder, why doesn’t he like me? I guess it is my pride. It sounds horrible, but this is true. I am often told I am a pretty girl. Walking down the street, at stores, etc. The girl he moved on to is not pretty. I know it is petty and vain to think that way. If I am pretty, why doesn’t he like me? Honestly, it is very hard for me to be around him. I feel completely embarrassed or uncomfortable. I have no real reason to be angry at him, he is not my boyfriend. He did not cheat on me. He does not owe me anything. He does not have to apologize, for what? It still stings seeing him with another girl. He forget me so quickly. He will come and knock my door. Everything I feel right now, he does not feel. He honestly does not care.

You are correct; he does not care; he was using you for sex. Now he has moved on to another girl he is using for sex. It has nothing to do with how pretty you are or how unattractive the other girl is. You both gave him what he really wants: free, unlimited, no-consequences-for-his-actions sex. It is time for you to move on and find a real man who loves you for who you are and will respect you as human being, not as an object that he can use and toss out for another one whenever he wants. Cut off ALL contact with this guy and spend your time with family or girlfriends until you start feeling more like yourself.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s an excellent quote I’ve read a couple times on a secular dating website: Don’t make anybody a priority if to them, you’re just an option.

 

[howirenic]

I’m a bit appalled by the lack of charity in some of these responses.

CRATUS, it’s clear you regret what you’ve done and now need to heal. Seek the sacraments. Recover your sense of the God-given value you have, a value that cannot be taken away by selfish people.

I would encourage that you pursue the virtue of chastity. I know that sounds a little corny and preachy, but chastity is a lot more than just denying yourself sex (before marriage). Chastity is protecting your body, which is a holy temple, and your mind.

I might be a virgin, but I by no means live a chaste life. I indulge in sexual fantasies, look at images I shouldn’t, and generally conduct myself as a profane and arrogant individual. Please pray that we might all learn to be more chaste, and to use our sexual gifts in the right context.

 

[CRATUS]

Big hugs. What a painful situation. People get into relationships based on all kinds of things, hopes, dreams, expectations. Sometimes the expectation is that there is commitment, and sometimes the expectation is that there are “no strings attached”.

It is always best to be dead honest with ourselves and the other person about what we want and expect in the relationship. This goes for every kind of relationship, personal, business, etc. There never are guarantees but we do put ourselves at lower risk for being hurt and disappointed.

Many times relationships don’t work not because a person is lacking in worthiness, but because of basic incompatibility and expectations. It has nothing to do with your not being pretty enough, or anything else. Not being desired by a particular person doesn’t indicate anything is wrong or lacking in you.

If the set up was friends with benefits, no strings attached, then one of you moving on, without caring, was actually the initial agreement. Though it hurts, it IS what both of you signed on for. Recognizing what it is we are actually doing, helps us be more clear and intentional when we make decisions. You realize now that you had hoped that sex would lead to emotional intimacy. You realize now that he truly wanted the no strings attached option.

Trial and error can be very hard on us, learning only via means of broken hearts and physical consequences in life. Following the example and guidance of people we admire and trust can save us much heart ache.

I am wondering if this man was truly a friend to begin with.

A man older and wiser than me told me that when two people lie down with one another, at least one gets up with feelings. Looking back at my life and the lives of friends I see he is right. I now believe that if people are truly and deeply friends, they would understand that a physical relationship is never that simple, and that the risk of hurting the other is so great that it is best to NOT go there, unless the desire is for a true, deep, emotional and committed relationship. Friends don’t put their friends at risk.

There are a lot of “rules and regulations” around the subject of sex because the consequences of sexual intimacy are so significant. Heart break, STDs, pregnancy, feelings of regret, shame and loss of self worth, feelings of intimacy and closeness, trust, being one with another person. So much joy and so much pain are on the line. The rules are there to protect us, not to keep us from having fun.

I understand. I should have known better. It does not change the fact it still hurts.

 

[Isca]

Don’t get too despondent, CRATUS. You made a mistake, many others have done the same and many more will, too. You feel embarrassed and humiliated now. That will pass. Begin by loving yourself more - and that means not wasting yourself on someone who doesn’t want a commitment with you or anyone else. He may be attractive and you may have feelings for him, but he’s not the man for you.

You are a special person and you deserve a special person in your life, one who will think you are the best thing since sliced bread! I hope he comes along soon, but in the meantime, just take things a day at a time and move on from this. You have had a lucky escape, although it might not seem that way at the moment - but believe me, you have.

And you’re not anything that rhymes with ‘cut’, either. You’ve just been a little naive.