Problem with my sister

[Elizastaci]

Okay. I’m having a seriously major problem with my older sister, and having recieved no help from my parents, which is something by now I am used to, I’m bringing it here, because you all rock, and have been immense help to me in the short month that I have been here. Sorry, this is rather long.

So here’s the sitch: my older sister and I have been close our whole lives. She’s 20, I’m 18, and we’ve grown up close, sharing a room our whole lives- although that is only for 1 more week, since I am beginning university and will live on-campus.

Anyway. We’re still fairly close, not like when we were little, but we still hang out and confide in each other on occasion. The problem? She is a total opposite from me, as antiCatholic as they come, and also is, for about six years now, a bisexual practicing Wiccan. And some of the things she does or says make me deeply uncomfortable.

I’ve told her this, but she doesn’t care. In fact, she goes out of her way to point out girls she thinks are “hot” and trying to do spells in front of me. Believe me, I’ve tried gentle discussions about her choices and the morality involved and so on, but it escalates into a huge fight, always, because apparently I’m just a stuck-up Catholic who thinks she’s better than everybody.

My parents? Well. They think this is a phase, and that I am being old-fashioned, judgemental, and narrow-minded, for not wanting to hear the details about her sexual relationships with females.

So am I in the wrong here? How do I cope with this? Any advice very welcomed.

 

[mschoir01]

Prayer. Lots of it. The longer I live, the more I rely on it. I will pray for your family also.

In the meantime (sometimes prayer takes a while), you might consider opting out of any confrontations your sister may try to start. It’s not easy to walk away, but it can improve your peace of mind. You have the power to say no to a row.

You will be in my prayers.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Elizastaci:

.

She is a total opposite from me, as antiCatholic as they come, and also is, for about six years now, a bisexual practicing Wiccan. And **some of the things she does or says make me deeply uncomfortable. **

I’ve told her this,** but she doesn’t care**. In fact, she goes out of her way to point out girls she thinks are “hot” and trying to do spells in front of me. Believe me, I’ve tried gentle discussions about her choices and the morality involved and so on, but it escalates into a huge fight, always, because apparently I’m just a stuck-up Catholic who thinks she’s better than everybody.

In my opinion, it is those words that I have put in bold above that are the core of your problem.

She is who she is and you are who you are… that has always been the case. What seems to be the problem is the lack of respect for you. She doesn’t care that she is making you uncomfortable.

I am sure she feels like you look down on her and judge her actions as wrong. The best way to deal with this, IMO, is to lead by example. Stop preaching to her about morality etc. She knows it, she just refuses to see it right now.

What she needs is to see you live your life as a good Catholic. What she needs is for you to let her know that you are uncomfortable with her words or actions and what you will do about that.

For example, if she talks about some girl being hot, tell her again that you would rather not know that. Tell her how it makes you feel uncomfortable and you don’t know how to respond. Tell her that it goes against your values and you don’t expect her to agree, just that she respect you enough to not deliberately offend you. If she continues, tell her that you will leave the situation (home, mall, movie etc) then do it.

Since you will be leaving for college soon you will have a little freedom from her. Maybe when she sees that you can choose to not be around her if she continues to make you uncomfortable, she will respect you more. If not, then just keep praying.

malia

 

[goravens]

For whatever reason she’s into wiccan and the bisexual sphere at this point - there’s not going to be anything you can say that would dissuade her. She already knows where you stand and why, I’d assume. When she brings up things that make you uncomfortable - and from what you’re saying it sounds like she does that just to push your buttons - I’d just ignore her or change the topic. If she genuinely wants to talk and share this part of her life with you, then simply listen. Sometimes just being heard by someone goes a long way in the grand scheme of things, especially if there’s a chance she may be doing this as part of seeking her identity or as a “phase”. Again, she knows clearly where you stand. The best thing you can do now is pray and show her how much you love her, letting Christ do the “talking” through your actions.

“The serene, silent beauty of a holy life is the most powerful influence in the world, next to the might of the Holy Spirit.” - Blaise Paschal

 

[Nan_S]

Feanaro's Wife:

What seems to be the problem is the lack of respect for you. She doesn’t care that she is making you uncomfortable.

What she needs is for you to let her know that you are uncomfortable with her words or actions and what you will do about that.
For example, if she talks about some girl being hot, tell her again that you would rather not know that. Tell her how it makes you feel uncomfortable and you don’t know how to respond. Tell her that it goes against your values and you don’t expect her to agree, just that she respect you enough to not deliberately offend you. If she continues, tell her that you will leave the situation (home, mall, movie etc) then do it.I second this wholeheartly.

Whether you realize it or not, God has been using your sister to prepare you to defend your faith as an adult. I hope you enjoy college, and find lots of Catholic/Christian friends.

 

[BlestOne]

As a woman who was married to a “self proclaimed wiccan priest” let me tell you what I learned. Wicca is all about self…I am in control of my destiny, I can command my gods to give to me…me, me me… On top of that, those who I have encountered in this pseudo religion have all had some tragic tale to tell about why they hate Catholocism or Christianity, and it all seems to stem from guilt. My ex felt guilty because he hated God because when his sister died people told him it was God’s will. He was 5 at the time. None of us especially a 5 yo understands God’s will at times like those. To deal with folks in Wicca, I had to learn to pray and turn it over to God. This doesn’t mean accept how she is disrespecting you…far from it. Point out to her that part of the Witches Reed says to do what you want but harm no one. She is harming you!!! Tell her so! Don’t be agressive about it, just tell her how it is then pray pray pray.

 

[Dolores49]

I’m not a therapist or counselor but I recommend you look into whether she is manipulating you. It sounds like you get uncomfortable, which is understandable. Do you also have unexpressed anger? Clearly you can’t have the same closeness. That must be a disappointment for you. It really sucks.

It may be helpful to try and set aside your sister’s religion and sexuality issues and focus on on how she communicates with you. (To neutralize the complexity of her issues for the sake of this new strategy, pretend that instead of religion that pushes your buttons it’s, say, food: she knows you’re a strict vegetarian but frequently offers you meat dishes.)

Which brings me to ask this question: Could it be "emotional blackmail?

Self-Help Book: “EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: When the People in your life use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You.” Susan Forward, Ph.D. 1997. www.susanforward.com

Visit her web site, click the link to the book title, which takes you to amazon.com’s page for her book, scroll down and read the reviews by readers.

Forward describes how we can identify emotional blackmail through real life examples, followed by communication techniques and checklists.

Book Flap: “Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want.”

In your case, your sister wants to freely discuss lesbian stuff with you even though she is aware you don’t. The punishment she gives you can best be answered by you; I don’t recall from your post an example. Does she call you names (homophobe, narrow-minded, etc.)?

How you react is key. Perhaps you say to yourself, “Her needs are more important than mine.” You’ll need to emotionally disconnect and the book teaches this technique. “This is a valuable book for disconnecting from people pushing your hot buttons.” from a reader on amazon.com

“Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win the pay-off they want: compliance.” (book flap)

Forward says blackmailers aren’t even aware they are doing this and gives details of why they became like this. This doesn’t let your sister off the hook, however.

I’d like to hear what you think about this direction. I’ll pray for you, too.
Dolores49

 

[Scott_Waddell]

Here is a CA article on witnessing to neo pagans: Anti-Neo-Pagan Apologetics

Remember the four Christian’s weapons (strongest first):

1. Suffering and sacrifice
2. Prayer
3. Good example
4. Encouragement

Scott

 

[kaymart]

It sounds to me she is playing games with you. By shocking you and making you feel uncomfortable you are playing into her hands. And she’s loving it. Don’t say anything, walk away for now, you will be leaving for college soon. But continue to pray for her. You sound like a very intellegent young lady. Don’t let people like her (you will meet a lot like her in college to) upset you. About your parents, I don’t know, maybe they are afraid to say anything to her because of the fear of losing her (some kids love to play emotional blackmail with their parents, sick but true) May God Bless you and guide you into your future. Best wishes…Kay

 

[Scott_Waddell]

kaymart:

It sounds to me she is playing games with you. By shocking you and making you feel uncomfortable you are playing into her hands. And she’s loving it.

Good instincts. In fact, that is the first approach mentioned in the article I linked:

"Wait and See" Strategy. Because of the “shock value” aspect of neo-paganism, for many—especially those going through or emerging from teenage rebellion—it is essentially a juvenile fascination.

After the novelty of the shock value wears off, or after the individual matures, his attachment to neo-paganism may fade and he may return to monotheism on his own. For this reason, it may be advisable not to evangelize the neo-pagan overtly, especially if he is youthful and disinclined to listen to you.

One might wish to make gentle suggestions about the benefits of monotheism or the problems of polytheism. In many cases, it may be necessary simply to pray for the individual and set an example of Christian virtue, charity, and kindness.

Scott