Problems with a Roommate

[Veritas6]

Hello all, I have some struggles with a roommate of mine. I live in a Catholic faith formation house, so it doesn’t have to do with the faith, but I think he’s quite insecure.

He hardly ever talks to me, much less acknowledges me unless he has to. I have noticed when we’re together with friends he’s comfortable with, he likes to tease and subtly insult others. He likes to pick on me, and I have approached him about this behavior, but he mentioned it was part of his culture (Filipino) to tease those he really likes.

I understand playful banter and I utilize it with my close friends, but I find his behavior so strange because we lack that foundation as friends; that we know we care about each other. It seems he only likes to insult, and it starts to become awkward at small group gatherings. He starts in on a joke at my expense, but I fall silent and serious as he continues in order to get a laugh out of everyone. It strikes me as desperate.

I need to have another talk with him, but what do you suggest I say “in the moment” at a party when his teasing goes too far? I don’t want to make it awkward or insult him back, so I’m not sure how to play it off (even if it bothers me).

Years ago I used to use insult humor and my brother angrily called me out on my hurtful behavior. Since then I have refrained from insult humor and I don’t lower myself to hurt someone to get a laugh. I wouldn’t say my roommate is intentionally trying to bully me, but he seems very insecure.

 

[esieffe]

-Pray for him.
-Check out Our Lady under Knots.
-Ask our Lady to show you what it is you are supposed to be learning from this situation.
Then /or:
-Hang out in your room
-Hang out somewhere else.
-Don’t invite him out with friends.
-Find another roommate.

 

[fredystairs]

I think that the first thing that I would do is take him aside again and tell him that you do not appreciate the insults. Filipino culture or not. Then I would ask him why he thinks it is necessary to do this. Ask him why he thinks this is necessary to insult people and point out he would have more friends if gave them compliments rather than insults.

Then what I would do , if after having done the above, if he did it again in front of your friends, I would tell him again, in front of your friends, that this is not acceptable and he needs to stop it.

I would pray for him, but if the behavior doesn’t change, I’d look for a new roommate.

Pax

 

[1ke]

I have approached him about this behavior, but he mentioned it was part of his culture (Filipino) to tease those he really likes.

Tell him it is not part of your culture and it is disrespectful and it is crossing a boundary. Tell him that you will not tolerate it in the future. Tell him it’s bullying behavior and is unwelcome.

but what do you suggest I say “in the moment” at a party when his teasing goes too far?

“Tom, we’ve talked about this. Your bullying behavior disguised as teasing is inappropriate and I’m asking you to stop.“

. I live in a Catholic faith formation house

Speak to the person in charge. Bullying someone through the guise of “teasing” is passive aggressive behavior and is bullying and harassment. Your formation director needs to be made aware and intervene.