Problems with extended family

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Lucy74

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Hi all,
This is my first post so I am not sure what all I need to say. I am a recent convert having converted just 2 years ago. I was a Presbyterian most of my life. I am married to a Baptist and we both have agreed to raise our 6 year old daughter as Catholic. He is not my problem, but the extended family is! How do I get them to see us as people and not just Catholic? Before I converted I had a great relationship with my mother, his parents, and grandparents.

Now my relationship with my mother is strained as she is always making reference to my faith. She read somewhere that Catholics were sinning when they have relationships with non-Catholics. She asks all the time if I need to confess my sins when I visit. She tells me that I cannot attend her church with her because it is a sin. My in-laws take it a bit further and we are not allowed to bless ourselves in their home. It is frowned upon to mention my faith around the elders as it offends them. I blew my top when the in-laws asked my daughter (who attends a Catholic school) one day “What did your Catholic God teach you today?” I have been accused of having my daughter in a cult.

Recently, a couple of acquaintances stated that I was not a Christian as “I pray to Mary, having kneeling benches, do not speak in tongue, and have the wrong Bible.” I was raised to be respectful, but I am at my limit. I feel like I am on the defensive all the time when I am around them. Has anyone had this experience? Does anyone have a new perspective on how to handle this situation? I have politely asked for acceptance, stating that I was aware of their disapproval, but this was important to us. I have mentioned that we respect their faith and ask that they respect ours, but it goes in one ear and out the other. My daughter loves her family and I want and encourage her to do so, but how long do I turn the other cheek?
 
Lucy74 said:
Hi all,
This is my first post so I am not sure what all I need to say. I am a recent convert having converted just 2 years ago. I was a Presbyterian most of my life. I am married to a Baptist and we both have agreed to raise our 6 year old daughter as Catholic. He is not my problem, but the extended family is! How do I get them to see us as people and not just Catholic? Before I converted I had a great relationship with my mother, his parents, and grandparents.

Now my relationship with my mother is strained as she is always making reference to my faith. She read somewhere that Catholics were sinning when they have relationships with non-Catholics. She asks all the time if I need to confess my sins when I visit. She tells me that I cannot attend her church with her because it is a sin. My in-laws take it a bit further and we are not allowed to bless ourselves in their home. It is frowned upon to mention my faith around the elders as it offends them. I blew my top when the in-laws asked my daughter (who attends a Catholic school) one day “What did your Catholic God teach you today?” I have been accused of having my daughter in a cult.

Recently, a couple of acquaintances stated that I was not a Christian as “I pray to Mary, having kneeling benches, do not speak in tongue, and have the wrong Bible.” I was raised to be respectful, but I am at my limit. I feel like I am on the defensive all the time when I am around them. Has anyone had this experience? Does anyone have a new perspective on how to handle this situation? I have politely asked for acceptance, stating that I was aware of their disapproval, but this was important to us. I have mentioned that we respect their faith and ask that they respect ours, but it goes in one ear and out the other. My daughter loves her family and I want and encourage her to do so, but how long do I turn the other cheek?
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Where is your husband in this? Is he standing up to his parents and defending you and your joint decisions? He should be handling his parents and not let them get away with being rude to his wife.

You and your husband need to establish clear boundaries with them, and as soon as they violate those boundaries, you all leave.

I understand your dilemma. I left the Mormon faith a couple of years ago and was baptized in the Catholic Church this year. This has caused a lot of problems with my family and they think we are sending our children to hell. I didn’t want to deny my children a relationship with their grandparents. My children love my parents. However, we learned that they were teaching them Mormonism behind our backs and telling them to not listen to us and to obey them instead. Due to my parents’ inability to respect boundaries, which we had gone over with them several times, and their deliberate undermining of our parental authority, we are now estranged. It is sad because I didn’t want it to be this way. My parents left us no other choice.

There is nothing wrong with taking a break from them. Their behavior towards you will affect your daughter. It could encourage her to be disrespectful to you. My older son was always more disrespectful towards us after he spend time with my parents. His behavior is much better now.

God bless you in dealing with this. I know it is hard and it can be very difficult to stand up to parents, but it must be done. It hurts to no longer be treated as a loved member of an extended family. I actually want to skip Christmas this year and just not deal with the holidays at all, but with two small children, I cannot really get away with that. You will be in my prayers.
 
I read your post (OP) and it resonated somewhat. I certainly don’t have that level of difficulty, being married to a Baptist wife. We collectively do not make it an issue and respect our boundaries.

But just having someone ask your daughter "What did your Catholic God teach you today?"is just insensitive and inviting an argument. I have a mother-in-law who claims she doesn’t believe in evolution, but we can still respect each other’s opinions, albeit not easily.My wife spent most of her life believing that evolution claimed man evolved from monkeys or apes (not true) and all of the OT was literal to the letter. We both come half way on many issues by simply talking it out without intent of conversion, without attack, and without judgement.

That’s not easy to do.

You can attempt to correct some of the blatant misunderstandings Re: Catholicism (worshipping Mary, etc.), but that just depends if the family members in question are willing to listen.

One idea is, that the next time you host a family gathering in your home, is to make it a point to allow anyone to pray, worship, say grace, etc., however they want in your home. You can politely inform them that you will not make anyone uncomfortable or feel unwelcome in your home, as that is common courtesy.

Good luck - but yeah, it is really difficult to turn the other cheek but you’re the better person for it.

God Bless.
 
Don’t let bigots make you angry. They are only showing their ignorance of/fear of Christ. I agree with others that your husband should be the one to speak to his relatives.
 
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

End of the beatitudes…

My wife and I come from rabidly anti catholic protestant families and we both converted together to the Catholic faith a couple years ago. I understand only to much what you speak of.

I cannot give advice on family matters… Just hope that the words above provide some solace.
 
Honestly, if my family asked me “If I had any sins to confess”, I’d say, “No, but I’d be happy to listen to your confession. If you’d like.” 😃

Sometimes, when you throw their stuff back at them, people stop saying stupid things.

It works well with my 6 year old when he gets whiny. I’ll get whiny right back and he finds a different way to talk to me.

Yes, I would be offended by the “inlaws” asking your kids 'What did your Catholic God teach you?" :rolleyes:

I’ve found that some people, no matter how hard you try, just won’t accept that you converted. (I’m a convert too.)

There’s a fine line between being “polite” and “letting people disrespect you”. A lot of times people don’t know they are being offensive, so you need to let them know. If they know they are being offensive and won’t stop, then you need to let them go (and not be in their life so much.)

As a former Baptist, I can tell you that in some churches, people are categorized by their groups and the “so-called” evils of their group. (“Those Catholics”. “Those Jews”. “Those Mormons”) It’s just really hard for some people to realize and learn that their rhetoric actually hurts people in real life.

My heart goes out to you.
 
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