Problems with mother at wedding reception

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Jay74

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NOTE: This email does not contain, but does alude to inappropriate language. I believe stating precisely what happened is necessary to illustrate the magnitude of the situation, and to get accurate feedback. You’re understanding is greatly appreciated.

My wife and I were married just over a month ago. Before that, we dated for over a year, and were engaged for over a year. I had warned my wife of my mother’s negativity and other problems. My wife actually thought I exagerrated because my mother has been very kind to us the past 2 years. There were absolutely no problems–until my wedding day. Because others didn’t want to ruin our honeymoon, we weren’t told of what happened. We were just told last night, and I’m literally ill.

My mother had not been around my mother-in-law much, but unknown to anyone, she didn’t like her. It is at the wedding reception when some of my in-laws found out, and I’m still shocked at how they found out. Apparently, my mother actually said during the reception, very loudly, that “I just love Catrina [my wife], but her mom is a real b****.” My aunt, who had never met her, said, aloud, “don’t worry, she’s just a f***ing snob who thinks she’s better than us.” Over a dozen of my in-laws heard this. Again, I apologize for aluding to some language, but I hope you can understand how it was necessary to show the magnitude of the situation.

I asked my father and sister about it yesterday after I found out, and they said they were hoping I wouldn’t find out, but that it was true.

To be sure, this is not an accurate description of my mother in law, who is quiet but one of the kindest people I have met. But even if she were not a good person, nothing can excuse my mother’s commentary on her out loud during my wedding reception.

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to alienate my entire family, but I can’t have my mother behaving like this during family gatherings, or when we have children. I need to confront her, but I’m asking for any advice some of you may have. This is a very difficult situation.

Thank you for reading and for any advice.
 
Dear Jay, i am so sorry this happened to you. i myself was married 3 weeks ago and at my reception i had a lot of fears about how people would behave because there is a lot of bad blood in my family. everyone i was worried about behaved perfectly the one person i over looked was my aunt who told my mother “no matter what i may think about you we will always have a common bond the little girl” refering to me. my mothers response was “im her mother who are you?” while this was not as severe as yours i was still mortified at the words my aunt spoke to my mother. in this situation i told my aunt that she had no right to speak to my mother that way and if she couldnt treat people in my family with dignity and respect that my wedding would be the last family function she could expect to be invited to. i would reccomend you tell your mother that she has to have respect for your new wife AND her family and if she cant handle that then she should not expect to be invited to be around your new in laws. good luck and congrats on the new marriage. may God bless you and your new bride.
 
make her aware that you now know the details of her behavior… and make sure she is aware of your feelings…

then let it rest… she may surprise you… she may take the bull the horns and apologize if she already hasn’t… don’t assume you know alllllllllllllll the facts…

walk softly… it is your mother…
👍

http://www.terrorismfiles.org/weapons/images/mushroom_cloud.jpg
 
Dear Jay,
I think you need to have a talk with your mother as soon as possible. I suggest you take her out to lunch and tell her that this kind of attitude and language will not be tolerated. I would also tell her that she needs to apologize to your wife and mother in law.
Was your mother drinking when this happened and or is this typical behavior?

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to alienate my entire family, but I can’t have my mother behaving like this during family gatherings, or when we have children. I need to confront her, but I’m asking for any advice some of you may have. This is a very difficult situation.

Thank you for reading and for any advice.
 
While I don’t disagree with our dear SpaceGhost, I think the situation merits a stronger response. Given the tone of the original post, this behavior, as egregious as it was, was not a complete surprise. To the contrary it was presented more as a bomb waiting to be dropped. This suggests to me a long pattern of bad behavior that has been tolerated by the family out of fear that confrontation will only make things worse. Guess what…this kind of abuse only gets worse by being pandered to and there shouldn’t be another moment wasted in bringing it to a halt. Tolerating it, trying to ignore, or even half-heartedly addressing it will guarantee that it will continue to generate resentment that will be a part of your life for years.

You need to have a conversation with your mother, in person, in private, ASAP. Your approach should be measured and controlled, but unwavering. Don’t lose your head in anger and unload on your mom. Be the picture of self control and restraint. Let her know that you love her, always will and want her to be a part of your life as a married person. BUT… given the facts of which you have been made aware, such behavior on her part is and always will be unacceptable and intolerable in your home/or/towards your wife (and her family). Don’t get dragged into or distracted by any argument about what happened or entertain attempts to recast or justify the events that have been confirmed to you. Refocus her on the fact that she is the only person who can control her behavior, and that it will sadden you and your wife tremendously if she chooses a course of conduct that keeps you all apart.

End of discussion. As a grown man, who has become joined to his wife, you must make clear what behavior will and will not be tolerated and stick to it. Not only will you be rewarded with love and respect from your wife, but will spare yourself years of conflict and turmoil because you have set clear expectations from the very start.

Good luck!
 
I agree, talk to your mother ASAP. Confront her about her comments, and make sure it is understood that it will not be tolerated. You must put a stop to this sort of behavior now or it will never go away. My husband and I were married over three years ago, and we ignored my MILs awful comments (you know, ignore them and they will go away…). Since we did not deal with things then, things have since then blown up and it’s not a pretty sight. I cringe at the thought of seeing my inlaws because I know comments will start flying, and usually when my husband is not around.

Also, you don’t want bad blood between your new wife and mother, so I urge you to please take the stand now. For her to say the things she did, she sounds like she was not in her “right mind”. She may not realize what she said, but it needs to be clear to her that she did say them, and that it cannot continue. Maybe talk to your priest or someone in the Church. A counselor maybe. Someone who knows how to deal with situations like this.

I wish you the best, and hopefully you can resolve any “bad blood” caused at your reception!
 
I pretty much agree with Island Oak. Tell her that she needs to clean up her act, now. Resist the urge to give her more and more chances to change. For me, this would have been the last straw. Your relationship with your wife is more important than your relationship with your mother.
 
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Benedictus:
Your relationship with your wife is more important than your relationship with your mother.
Click to expand...
Can I get this on a T-shirt? 🙂
 
Please do not forget to forgive her.

I find saying “I forgive mom” out loud helps my mind and heart to get on the same page quicker.

This needs to be done before, during and after your talk with your mom. :yup:

God :blessyou:
 
CUT THE APRON STRINGS. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Gen 2:24 (KJV)

I know this is your mother, but she has to understand that this attitude can not and will not be tolerated. Your loyalities belong to your wife and your future children.
 
Island Oak:
This suggests to me a long pattern of bad behavior that has been tolerated by the family out of fear that confrontation will only make things worse. Guess what…this kind of abuse only gets worse by being pandered to and there shouldn’t be another moment wasted in bringing it to a halt. Tolerating it, trying to ignore, or even half-heartedly addressing it will guarantee that it will continue to generate resentment that will be a part of your life for years.

You need to have a conversation with your mother, in person, in private, ASAP. Your approach should be measured and controlled, but unwavering. Don’t lose your head in anger and unload on your mom. Be the picture of self control and restraint. Let her know that you love her, always will and want her to be a part of your life as a married person. BUT… given the facts of which you have been made aware, such behavior on her part is and always will be unacceptable and intolerable in your home/or/towards your wife (and her family). Don’t get dragged into or distracted by any argument about what happened or entertain attempts to recast or justify the events that have been confirmed to you. Refocus her on the fact that she is the only person who can control her behavior, and that it will sadden you and your wife tremendously if she chooses a course of conduct that keeps you all apart.

End of discussion. As a grown man, who has become joined to his wife, you must make clear what behavior will and will not be tolerated and stick to it. Not only will you be rewarded with love and respect from your wife, but will spare yourself years of conflict and turmoil because you have set clear expectations from the very start.

Good luck!
Click to expand...
Take this superb advice. Do not wimp out. Be prepared for a nuclear explosion (thanks, Space). But if you blow this, you will set your marriage up for endless misery. You might lose your mother (either temporarily or permanently) but I can tell you from experience, losing her will be better than putting up with her. NOBODY deserves this kind of treatment.

When you speak with her, do not entertain “dialogue.” There is no dialogue with this kind of behavior.
 
the following is a family story, but I am embarrassed to reveal whose family it is about. when girl and boy got engaged, some in the family thought they were too young. As it developed and early wedding date was prudent (before bride started showing) so arrangements were set in motion, including pre-Cana and getting things right with the church. prospective MIL got drunk, called bride’s mother on phone late at night and let forth a 15 minute stream of obscenities and abuse, the theme being the bride had led the groom into this situation, and her parents were running, and I quote, a den of iniquity. I may add that when sober, MIL has never been heard to utter even s–t or d-mn, in 84 years. In-laws boycotted wedding reception, holding a competing event on the other side of town (thank God for small mercies). In what should go down in the annals of patient forbearance and Christian charity, bride’s parents encouraged couple to at least make an appearance at the other party, and not to sever relationships. The hope expressed that when the blessed event occurred in a few months, natural grandparently feelings would prevail. This did in fact occur, couple recently celebrated 35 years of marriage, 4 children and 9 grandchildren. MIL is only one of the 4 parents still around, and this couple, alone of her own 5 children, takes care of her and supports her. She is still feisty, but never profane.
 
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