Problems with my family rooted in religion and sin

[TeenageConvert]

My mother(A nominal Christian/Protestant) was in a relationship with this guy, I never particularly cared for the man and his two sons so I typically avoided them a lot, but after one month of dating my mum announced that they were moving in with us. I wasn’t happy about it and she knew that, she asked why and I told her it was for one thing morally wrong to move in with someone before marriage, but it was also horribly imprudent to do so after only knowing them for one month. She did not listen, and told me that she was 100% sure that he was the love of her life, and they would be happy together.

One week after they moved in, whilst my mum was at work he sent her a text message saying that he couldn’t live like that anymore, and that he was moving out and breaking up(Mom didn’t tell me this, but he had also walked out on his wife and son not long before he had met her) He had been talking to his pastor(I think he’s a Pentecostal Holiness Christian?) who told him that God would punish him severely if he continued to live in sin with my mother and that he had obligations to his wife and other son whom he abandoned.

My mother is devastated, but she explained why he left and expected me to agree that he should have continued to live with her over his wife, she asked how I would have handled the situation. Eventually we got to a point where I said that he did the right thing by going back to his wife, and she contested that she was under the impression that their divorce was soon to be finalised. I told her that civil divorce will never dissolve a true marriage, and it was adultery for him to be with her. She was pretty offended by that and asked if I thought she would be an adulteress because she plans on one day remarrying(she and my father civilly divorced about 4 years ago) and I told her yes. I tried to explain the teaching but she just told me that I was too close minded and fanatical, and that because she believes in Jesus he will forgive her of her future adultery.

She won’t speak to me now unless it is to yell at me about something that isn’t my fault, and the other day she was really upset about something and I asked what was wrong and she responded with a “What makes you think I would want to talk to you about it?”

One of the things she brought up when we had the divorce conversation was how I am not a true Christian because I disrespect her(Read: used to. It hasn’t been that way for a long time), and we’re supposed to honour our parents. Now I honestly feel like she’s trying to make it where I can’t honour/obey her because she makes these impossible demands and then blames things that aren’t my fault on me.

I just don’t know how to handle this situation or improve our relationship

 

[EasterJoy]

OK, so she heard from both a Catholic and a Pentecostal and her own common sense that she shouldn’t have invited this man to come live with her (let alone with her and her teen–wow). It isn’t too surprising that she wasn’t prepared to hear it from you. (Gotta wonder why she asked? Did she think you’d change your mind about what a bad idea it was in the first place? )

You didn’t necessarily give her the wrong answer, but you may have unwittingly gave her the wrong impression. Be a little careful about being the tribunal on the state of her first marriage to your father–that is, whether they are free to marry. It is entirely possible that she was not taught the same understanding and did not make her vows with the same understanding or intent of marriage that you would have if you marry in the Catholic Church. So do be clear that you were answering what would apply to you if you were in her position, because you are Catholic and you would marry in the understanding that a valid marriage is binding for life. As for what a tribunal might make of her case, you’ll never know unless she tries to marry a Catholic. For that reason, you have to suspend judgment about her case, to some degree.

You can discourage the “that sin may abound” rationalization that she’s making about planned sins that she’s presuming Jesus will forgive her before committing them, but I think you may want to invoke the “pearls before swine” clause. If you have tried to preach the truth to her and can reasonably expect nothing except getting torn to pieces, you may avoid the subject so you can live under the same roof with her in peace. That is OK.

You’re a new Catholic and do not have a Catholic parent…do not hesitate to take these kinds of questions to your pastor. You’ll get more support and strategies more tailored to the realities you can disclose here, if you disclose to the priest with a pastoral office over you. Try that.

 

[ClearWater]

Wow! That’s really tough! Gosh!

I see you’re a Catholic convert. I wonder how you ever managed to convert to Catholicism in your environment! That’s amazing!

I wish I knew something helpful to say to you right now, but I admit I’d be at a loss, too. That’s very hard!

My parents never divorced, were married 70 years (and dated 2 years before that!) They were both always Catholic, neither ever turned away from the faith. My family, on both sides, has been Catholic for, I don’t know how many, generations.

My parents prayed the rosary, getting down on their knees together, nightly. When I visited, I joined them. When their parents were alive, the rosary would be started in English, but the grandparents would answer in French! Both sides spoke French. Families used to pray the rosary, often daily, together in olden times, so I’ve been told by my family.

I turned away from my faith, and at that time, my parents were trying to talk some sense into ME! With you, you’re trying to talk some sense into your mother! Wow!

You did tell her the truth, which is really all you can do, I think. Other than that, you can pray for her. St. Monica had a very wayward son and prayed for him, something like 30 years! Finally, he converted, and became a saint, himself! So, sometimes we even have to pray for a long time!

I guess if I were in your situation, I would probably try to avoid conflict, as you probably already are. I would also try to seek out contacts, within my faith, who would help be supportive so that I wouldn’t feel so alone. Are there any groups at Church you can join that you might find of interest?

 

[Xantippe]

It’s not your responsibility to bring up your mother. If she mentions again the possibility of moving in another guy, speak up (because that affects you and is very much your business), but otherwise, try to limit your conversations on her love life. She knows what you think.

I see so many stories online (for instance at dearwendy.com) where immature parents prematurely move in with boyfriends or girlfriends or move in boyfriends and girlfriends. It’s just an awful thing to do, not just from a Catholic point of view, but also just on the basis of common sense and worldly wisdom. Parents need to be very, very slow and cautious in introducing romantic interests to their children. Blending families is notoriously difficult and sometimes mommy’s boyfriend is more interested in the kids than mommy, IYKWIMAITYD.