Promiscuous Past Distorting Beauty of Sex with Husband?

[dls07]

Hello, all! Needing help.
I am 27 years old. I have been married to my husband for a little over two years. He is the epitome of everything I could want in a spouse. I feel God’s presence in our love& appreciate the relationship we mutually worked for.
I became Catholic in April of 2018. My husband is a cradle-Catholic.
My understanding of marriage, sex,& everything involved in the love God created us for was completely non-existent until I became Catholic. Since becoming Catholic, it has grown exponentially. Readings of John Paul II & Matthew West have helped immensely. I believe in the love the Catholic Church calls us to. I also believe that kind of love is present in my husband& I’s relationship. With one little (big?) problem.
In high school &my early college years, I had many sexual encounters. I had absolutely no idea at the time that this was something that may be causing me great harm. With zero religious background, divorced parents, & an addict mother, my parental supervision& involvement in my understanding of what “love” meant was absolutely nothing. I went off of what modern culture promoted–I was a sucker. I truly did not feel unhappy throughout that time. I now believe I am extremely damaged from it. I do not know what to do to heal. A few things to know:
I am sober, a regular confessor, my husband and openly communicate (he knows of past & my current worries), & I have not yet brought this issue up to my spiritual director or the like. The reason being is because getting sober takes a LOT of energy & focus & I wanted to not task myself with addressing& changing everything simultaneously.
The problem: My mind villainizes my husband. It says/does things like:
“He just wants physical pleasure”
“Go to bed early so the opportunity can’t arise.”
….If we have not had intercourse in a while, & we’re able to (we participate in NFP& have since marriage), I think about it ALL day with a since of dread. I feel “better” if I initiate. My mind does not let me spontaneously enjoy sex. It’s a very, very MINDFUL thing. The thing is, in my heart, I know my husbands intentions are 100% pure. He knows the Church teaching & I he views our relationship that way. I KNOW this, & yet it’s like I can’t get that knowledge to transfer to my behavior & heart. I have a strong suspicion that it’s due to my past. My husband was the 1st person I had a sexual relationship w/ that I loved (I know that sounds like a “duh” moment…but not being a lifelong Catholic, it’s not so clear when you’re pre-faith). What shaping& molding did I do to my mind/heart by offering the essence of me to men who wanted nothing but physical pleasure? Not ridding myself of guilt-- I was similarly motivated. I want a way to heal from my past so as to be able to stop trying to mentally control and villainize my sexual relationship with my husband. He is the best man I’ve ever met, his love language is physical touch, and darn it, I want to enjoy sex with my husband!!! Any advice/insight is much appreciated. Direction to take, strategies to try, readings to do, prayers, any/all of it–I want to change this!
Thanks & God Bless,
DS

 

[TheLittleLady]

Remember, physical pleasure with your spouse is not wrong. It is what God built into us to get us to do something that would be, without pleasure, super awkward and weird!

Yes, the marital act is beautiful and meaningful, but, it is also fun and it is okay to have fun, or silly. Stop overthinking your motives and just let go. You don’t have to be afraid that you are going to accidentally be too enamoured of your husband.

Do the two of you laugh together? Do you put on some music and dance? Have some wine?

 

[GiftofMercy]

One very important thing is to forgive yourself and to forgive anyone from your padt.

Let it all go, You are Catholic now, forgiven of all your past , and free to concentrate on a marriage proper to the church and ahusband with whom you share love and respect.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I have not yet brought this issue up to my spiritual director or the like.

What you’re talking about here is beyond the scope of a spiritual director. Sure, you can tell them in order to fill in some background info, but they aren’t therapists.

IMO, what you’re describing here is something that you should bring to a therapist or a clinical psychologist that specializes in generational addiction or sexual issues, or both.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

You could be right - perhaps your past did create the feelings you are having now. But these things are difficult to tie down. It might be that you would still feel the way you do even if you stayed a virgin. The mind is a tricky thing. What’s important is that God has forgiven you. You can take some time and perhaps chat with a councellor to figure out some ways that you can really start to enjoy sex.

Some Catholic books on sex do tend to (dare I say) hype up the spiritual / bonding experience a bit too much (in my opinion). I think every couple experiences their relationship differently.