Protestant Humor for Insight

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Pharisee: This man claims to be to Son of God.
Protestant: This Catholic Church claims to speak in God’s name.

A protestant in the year 100 said to the Pope: “I can’t wait 'til we have Bibles so I can prove you don’t exist.”

My goal is not to make light of theological differneces but perhaps sometimes humor can help people including Protestants to see why Catholicism is the true Church of Jesus.

Greg
 
Pharisee: Who can forgive sins but God alone!

Protestant: God alone can forgive sins!
 
Jesus: “He who hears you hears me”

Protestant: “He who hears my grammatical and historical interpretation and analysis of Scripture according to my church hears a human opinion.”

Baptist: We read the Bible literally.
Catholic: Jesus emphasizes repeatedly in John 6 that we must eat His flesh and drink His blood.
Baptist: Oh, we don’t take that literally.

**Catholic: **Jesus said: “I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.”

Protestant: Yes, but I’d much rather change the subject and argue about the rock.
 
A Presbyterian man arrived at the pearly gates and was given a tour of heaven by St. Peter.

As they came upon a huge, beautiful building, St. Peter told the man, “here’s where we bring the Methodists.” When they looked into the window, they saw people in there having a great ball, dancing to the best music and eating fine food, and were the happiest looking people the man had ever seen.

As they continued, they came upon another such building and St. Peter told him, “here are the Baptists.” When they looked in, the Baptists were having just as much fun as the Methodists.

Again they continued and approached another building. This time, St. Peter told the man, “shhh. We must be very quiet here and remain unseen.” They tiptoed up to the building and carefully peeked into the window, and saw the same party scene as the other two. The man whispered, “why do we have to be so quiet?” St. Peter replied, “these are the Catholics. They think they’re the only ones up here.”
 
That same joke is more accurate when the later community is the southern Baptist. The Catholic Church has been very inclsive and ecunemical since Vatican read the present cathechism and writings by Pope John II. Catholics claim to be the true church but we don’t condemn others to hell as I have often been accused of going to hell by fundies and Southern Baptist.
 
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Maccabees:
That same joke is more accurate when the later community is the southern Baptist. The Catholic Church has been very inclsive and ecunemical since Vatican read the present cathechism and writings by Pope John II. Catholics claim to be the true church but we don’t condemn others to hell as I have often been accused of going to hell by fundies and Southern Baptist.
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Dear Maccabees,

It’s funny you should say that. I first heard the joke from a Baptist, who told it to me with a Baptist as the last one so as not to offend me. He had heard it from some other denomination person who used his own denomination as the last so as not to offend the Baptist.

OTOH, I have not told the joke to my mother, who would probably take it seriously and bring back painful memories. In the 1930’s she was taught in no uncertain terms that anyone who was not Catholic was destined for hell. It bothered her terribly that she had friends who weren’t Catholic and their parents wouldn’t let them convert.

Alan
 
Back in the day the church in america was an ethnic minority and not in the mainstream of america so it did suffer from Fennyism to protect her members and give them self assurance they were ok in the plan of salvation.
As the catholic church entered the mainstream it lightened up on that. You saw that with all of the protestant churches as well.
The German and Scandvanian Lutherans were also ethnic churches that beleived everyone else was going to hell.
Those outside of Oshkosh no longer believe this.
Many Ethnic Eastern Orthodox churches believe everyone not say Greek Orthodox are going to hell.
The more diverse Orthodx churches that are well established in a community won’t beleive this.
Of course the churches still trying to have a self identity such as fundamentalist still have this insecurity and believe everybody is going to hell except xyz Bible beleiving Church.
A lot of this stuff comes form cultural insecurity and these churches that are often attacked overcompensate with every body else is going to hell syndrome.
 
A man was walking across a bridge one day, and he saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump off. The walker immediately ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” said the man standing on the edge.

the walker said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Well … are you religious or atheist?”

“Religious.”

“Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”

To which the walker replied, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.
 
An eighty year old Brother from a Trappist Monestary died and when ushered through the Pearly Gates he was assigned to one of those little four foot tall angels who seemed to delighted with his assignment.
First the little angel took the Brother to a winding road that went through some small hills. They stopped for lunch under a tree. Fruit and drink were awaiting. The Brother said," What’s that music I hear, it sounds like singing".
After the lunch, as they walked, the singing grew louder. Finally the Brother saw a building that looked like a Church and noticed the Church HAD NO WINDOWS. They could not see inside but they could hear the LOUD singing. The Brother asked,“Who is inside the Church with no windows? The little angel said,” It’s the Baptists - they have NO windows because they think they are the ONLY ones in heaven. We don’t want them to know that there are some Catholics here in heaven too- they just stay to themselves and seem to be happy that way".🙂
 
It was the first day of Sister Fidgeta’s second grade class, and Sister asked each child to stand up in turn and tell what their fathers did for a living.

Little Mary said her father was a dentist, and Tommy said his was a fireman. But little Johnny stood up and said, “I don’t have a father, Sister. My mother’s a prostitute.”

Poor Sister Fidgeta nearly fainted. “What did you say???”

“I told you, Sister. I don’t have a father. My mother is a prostitute.”

“Oh, thank HEAVEN, child,” said Sister. “I thought you said Protestant.”
 
It was the first day of Sister Fidgeta’s second grade class, and Sister asked each child to stand up in turn and tell what their fathers did for a living.
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Little Mary said her father was a dentist, and Tommy said his was a fireman. But little Johnny stood up and said, “I don’t have a father, Sister. My mother’s a prostitute.”
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Poor Sister Fidgeta nearly fainted. “What did you say???”
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“I told you, Sister. I don’t have a father. My mother is a prostitute.”
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“Oh, thank HEAVEN, child,” said Sister. "I thought you said Protestant
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quadruple rofl. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
 
QUESTION:
How many (______s) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Creationists:
“It is only a THEORY that this room is dark. There are other, equally valid scientific explanations. Who are you going to believe, us or your own eyes?”

Pentecostals:
Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to praise Jesus because misfortune builds Godliness.

Presbyterians:
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Reformed Calvinists:
It is YOUR FAULT that the bulb burned out, you scum!!

George W Bush:
“My faith based program will make every light bulb WANT to change!”

Judge Roy Moore:
“Light bulbs worked better when we were a Christian nation.”

Independent Fundamentalists:
Why change the bulb? The Rapture is coming any minute, which the Bible prophesizes will be a followed by a time of darkness.

Episcopalians:
Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to mix the cocktails and reminisce about how much they liked the old one better.

Mormons:
Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him that he is doing it wrong.

Southern Baptists:
At least 15. Fourteen men to raise money for a building program, and one woman to bake a casserole

National Baptists:
One to raise $4 million for new light bulbs, and 1 million to forgive him for embezzling the money. Not a single light bulb ever got changed.

New Age:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, we rejoice in your discovery. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodist:
Doesn’t matter - they’ll discuss it so long that they’ll never get it screwed in.

Congregationalist:
Three - one to change the bulb. The other two make sure the power doesn’t go to their head.

Scientology:
“For $5,000, we will send you to an introductory seminar on how to change light bulbs. There you will learn that you have been changing light bulbs the wrong way. Future (pricier) seminars will teach you the right way.”

Satanists:
Why do you think the bulb burned out in the first place?

Christian Scientists:
“It is only due to the limitations of your mortal mind that you think the room is dark.”

Zen Buddhist:
“It is the natural state of light bulbs to burn out. Why does this trouble you?”

Christian Coalition:
“The Bible says that Satan can appear as an Angel of Light. You’re better off in the dark.”

Moonies:
WE WILL TELL YOU when it is time to change the bulb.

How many Catholic Pastoral team members does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Three.

Priest: "Pardon me, Brother John, but I noticed the switch that turns on the light in the library is not working. Could someone check that out for me?

Brother: “Most, certainly, Father. I’ll have Sister Mary Martha fix it.”

Sister: “I changed the bulb yesterday. I’m done power washing the aluminum siding. I’ve prepared the bulletin, delivered the canned goods to the Native American drop station and fixed the tranny in your car, Father. Can I make you both another plate of eggs?”

And finally… How many people does it take to change a lightbulb FOR a Jewish Mother?

Answer: “None. Please… don’t bother. It’s not important. I will sit here in the dark because obviously that makes you happy.”
 
A $100 bill and a $1 bill met each other when they were printed in the treasury department. Shortly after that they were sent out to a bank and put into circulation.

After many years the two bills met each other again at the treasury department. They said hi to each other and each began to tell the story of its travels.

The $100 bill said, " Oh what fun I’ve had, I went to Paris and saw the Eiffel tower, I went to Disney World, I vacationed in the finest resorts in Hawaii, I saw grand meals prepared and I loved the cruises, I was dropped into collection plates in beutifull churches from the USA to Europe and China. I was finally dropped in a collection plate at the Baptist Church in a poor comunity in Alabama and then sent here."

The $1 bill said: “I had a great time too I saw candy machines in New York and cigerette machines in Florida. Some kids found me on the ground and used me to buy some candy in Dallas. Finally I got dropped in a basket at a Catholic Church and now I’m here.”

The $1 bull saw that the $100 bill began to look confused and express a look of quandry and wondering.

The $1 bill asked the $100 bill what was the matter, why the look of mystery and questioning.

The $100 dollar bill responded, “Whats a Catholic Church?”:whistle:
 
I heard that one before…but it was Mormons not Catholics…still funny tho.
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AlanFromWichita:
A Presbyterian man arrived at the pearly gates and was given a tour of heaven by St. Peter.

As they came upon a huge, beautiful building, St. Peter told the man, “here’s where we bring the Methodists.” When they looked into the window, they saw people in there having a great ball, dancing to the best music and eating fine food, and were the happiest looking people the man had ever seen.

As they continued, they came upon another such building and St. Peter told him, “here are the Baptists.” When they looked in, the Baptists were having just as much fun as the Methodists.

Again they continued and approached another building. This time, St. Peter told the man, “shhh. We must be very quiet here and remain unseen.” They tiptoed up to the building and carefully peeked into the window, and saw the same party scene as the other two. The man whispered, “why do we have to be so quiet?” St. Peter replied, “these are the Catholics. They think they’re the only ones up here.”
Click to expand...
 
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