Providing unsolicited assistance to family

[vluvski]

My poor (almost) sister in law is in a very difficult situation. My heart is just breaking because she looks awful. Money is tight, and she’s alone with her five children (m11mos, f3, f5, m6, f10) here in Aiken while her husband gets settled in a new job in Michigan, which is where home is, and finds them an affordable place to live.
They are staying in her parents’ empty apartment, but without permission from the apt complex, so they have to stay inside all day so no one in the office (right next door basically) knows there are people staying here. She isn’t from here, so I am the only friend or family anywhere nearby.
Seriously, I’m worried she’s going to have a total mental breakdown. She gets no time to herself, except with just the baby during the little time I’m able to take the kids to the playground after everyone leaves the office until I have to go home for bed or when she takes one or two with her to go shopping while I keep the others. I need some clever ideas to give her a break! If I’m being optimistic, I could handle all five for a couple hours. The 6yr old has some issues, and can be a handful just by himself when mom is not around.
The 10 year old is begging to go to CCD on Sundays, but Mom says it would “just be one more thing.” I suggested putting all the kids in Sunday school (I even cleared it with the director that she wouldn’t have to enroll or give out an address or pay since it is temporary)- they’d get to be out of the house, with other children their age, and she’ll get some time alone. She thinks the children won’t be able to adjust if they start something else new, but there’s nothing normal about what they’re doing anyway. Maybe they’d be uncomfortable, yes, but in the state she’s in, she is not able to be an effective mother right now. She just isn’t taking care of herself. She can’t get the kids to go to bed, and they’re tired and cranky all day but won’t nap. Something’s gotta give here! I brought up Sunday school last night, but had to drop it when mom started crying, and the 10 year old got mouthy about how that’s what SHE wants to do. It’s like she wants to keep them in this bubble until they go home, but they have no idea if that will be a month or 3 months from now. I probably shouldn’t push it, huh? Or should I bring it up again when the 10yr old isn’t around to get an attitude?
That’s not my only concern. She’s very adimant about homeschooling, but the kids, especially the oldest who plays mini-mom all day, just keep falling farther and farther behind. She should be in 5th grade, but her skills are at 3rd grade level- and that’s being generous. The 5 and 6 year old can’t even put together a puzzle for 1-3yr olds. Mom has the 10 year old teaching the 3, 5, and 6 yr olds “preschool.” I think they’re working on letters, numbers, and how to write their name. I love these kids so much, and I’m just so worried for them that one day they’re going to realize just how far behind they are and be crushed. The hole just keeps getting deeper and deeper, and you can’t get out of it. They would be so much better off in public school, especially the 6 year old so he can get some special needs attention and have a better chance of being a ‘normal’ adult. There’s just no talking to her, though. Talking to her you’d think that Satan himself was teaching the classes in public school. How else can I help, since suggesting school is not an option unless I want to be on the black list, which is helpful to no one? Would it be appropriate to offer to tutor the 10 yr old, or buy workbooks to have some order for the younger kids?
Help me help my future sister in law without offending her! I’m all she’s got for the time being, so I can’t afford to dig myself into a hole…

 

[La_Chiara]

vluvski:

Help me help my future sister in law without offending her! I’m all she’s got for the time being, so I can’t afford to dig myself into a hole…

You need to back off. It sounds like she is out of control and that you have made it clear that you are willing to help. But you can’t help if she doesn’t let you. Unfortunately, you may set yourself up as a scapegoat push to hard or get involved. For future info., NEVER talk about proposals in front of children–for the reason that you realized after you did it. I suspect you don’t have children or you would be more sensitive to this issue.

In any case, stay away from the homeschooling and CCD issues–you would have little or no influence over them long term anyway. Focus on how you can help her in the short-term by watching the children while she does errands or takes some time for herself.

You don’t say how she is your “almost” sister-in-law. I suspect you are going to be frustrated with her for many years until you realize that she is going to do what she is going to do and you can’t do anything about it. Get some emotional distance BEFORE you get too emotionally involved in a situation that you can’t fix. (I say this as someone who has dealt with a similar issue in my own family for about 15 years.)

 

[vluvski]

She’s my fiance’s sister.
I could distance myself a lot better if I didn’t see them every single day. I feel guilty if I don’t go over there for a few hours every day.

 

[La_Chiara]

vluvski:

She’s my fiance’s sister.
I could distance myself a lot better if I didn’t see them every single day. I feel guilty if I don’t go over there for a few hours every day.

I suspect you are going to get sucked into this situation and it will keep getting worse until you recognize that you are powerless to affect their circumstances. You are not even family and even when you are married, you are still an in-law. Very often in-laws are viewed as not family. Be careful. Do what you can but do not overstep. It is a very delicate situation that can haunt you for the rest of your marriage if this family comes to resent your help.

 

[StephanieC]

Just keep saying to yourself, “I am not their knight in shining armour…It is not my job to rescue this family and solve all of their problems…”

On first reading, that might sound harsh to you, and the polar opposite of what one thinks of in terms of Christian charity.

The metaphor that comes to my mind is of a swimming pool lifeguard. When someone is struggling and drowning, the lifeguard is trained to grab a preserver and extend it, keeping the preserver between the drowning person and the lifeguard at all times. This is so that in their panic, the drowning person does not drown the both lifeguard *and *him or herself!

It sounds as though you realize that the important thing is that you are likely going to have a lifelong relationship of some sort with this family.

Why not tell the mom that you have X amount of time free every Wednesday, for example, and would love to offer her an extra set of adult hands, if she could use them. If she thinks she would like to accept your offer of assistance, she will be able to tell you what would truly be the biggest help to her, which may or may not be what *you *see as the biggest need.

I’ve been on the receiving end of “well-meaning, yet emphatic & repeated offers of assistance”, and sometimes having to figure out how to accept or decline them proves to be more stressful than anything!
God bless you for your heart and caring.

 

[vluvski]

StephanieC:

Just keep saying to yourself, “I am not their knight in shining armour…It is not my job to rescue this family and solve all of their problems…”

On first reading, that might sound harsh to you, and the polar opposite of what one thinks of in terms of Christian charity.

The metaphor that comes to my mind is of a swimming pool lifeguard. When someone is struggling and drowning, the lifeguard is trained to grab a preserver and extend it, keeping the preserver between the drowning person and the lifeguard at all times. This is so that in their panic, the drowning person does not drown the both lifeguard *and *him or herself!

No, that doesn’t sound harsh. I get my heart from my own mother, and have to tell her that all the time!

Thanks for the analogy, as I do have lifeguard training.

From now on I will (try to) let her know when I’m available, or offer very specific assistance that she can either accept or refuse.
For example, I have a standing offer to take any combination of the kids with me to Mass after work, and I invited them over to my apt complex pool on Saturday.

 

[StephanieC]

vluvski:

No, that doesn’t sound harsh. I get my heart from my own mother, and have to tell her that all the time!

Thanks for the analogy, as** I do have lifeguard training**.

From now on I will (try to) let her know when I’m available, or offer very specific assistance that she can either accept or refuse.
For example, I have a standing offer to take any combination of the kids with me to Mass after work, and** I invited them over to my apt complex pool** on Saturday.

With your prior description of the kids’ unruliness, I’d say it’s a good thing you have that training! Just joking…I don’t know any kid who would refuse an offer of a Saturday in a pool, so that’s a great idea.

 

[LSK]

Oh golly this kind of thing is difficult. But I think you have been given some good advice. You have put out your hand and you have offered a couple of solutions…pray pray pray. This just makes me sad…but, and I do believe this, no matter what happens remember that God has a plan for these kids and their parents. I would maybe ask each of their guardian angels to keep them especially safe during this time.