"Pure Love" offends sister-in-law

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Rosalinda

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My brother was visiting yesterday with his son who was joking about all the interest his 13yr. old sister is generating and of his intention to protect her from would-be suitors. I said if he was worried about her chastity Pure Love by Jason Evert was a good book for her to read. I had read it several years before and thought it an excellent guidebook for teenagers about proper conduct while dating so I ran to my bookshelf and handed him a copy to bring home to his sister. The next day the booklet was at my doorstep with a note: “Please let me parent my children regarding such sensitive issues as pre-marital and teen sex. I realize you mean well but this is an issue for parents not relatives.” There was nothing sneaky about this as my brother was sitting a the table when I came down with the book and put it right down in full view for him to see.
This is a sex-saturated culture and realistically speaking the children have already been indoctrinated with pre-marital sex in school and every time they watch tv. It never dawned on me any Catholic parent wouldn’t be happy with the booklet Pure Love. I thought it was a beautiful, generous gift.
 
I think it was a nice gesture that you made. Perhaps you could have asked your brother if he wanted it for his daughter. I also understand your sister-in-law’s position because I like to personally read any books on this topic before giving them to my children. I know of this book, but your sister-in-law might not. There are lots of people in this society trying to take over the parental responcibility of sexual education, and your sister-in-law is probably dealing with that from more people than just you. She may just be trying to set precident for her children to avoid any books on this topic that come from others. Don’t take it personally.
 
It would be kind of hard not to take your sister-in-laws rebuff personally. There was not a lot of kindness in statements such as “let me parent my children” and these are issues “for parents and not relatives”, especially in response to providing the advice and book you did. (If you had given your nephew, “Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask”, you would have deserved what she said and more! :eek: )

Unfortunately, she sounds insecure and perhaps intimidated by you. Is that possible? Are you more accomplished or sure of yourself than she is? In any case, you probably should politely apologize for upsetting her. Don’t explain yourself much more because she probably is just going to find reasons to get angry at you anyway. And if the situation is especially bad, she may find fault with anything and everything you do. Try not to let it escalate any further, no matter how unreasonable she is or becomes.

On the other hand, there are other explanations for her behavior. Perhaps your niece was upset because her brother was talking about her in a less than flattering and disloyal manner. Perhaps she was offended because she saw the book as a sign that you thought she might not be as pure as she should be. But still the best thing to do, is to apologize to your SIL without getting defensive. God bless.
 
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Rosalinda:
My : “Please let me parent my children regarding such sensitive issues as pre-marital and teen sex. I realize you mean well but this is an issue for parents not relatives.”
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it is and always has been Catholic doctrine (CCC beginning about 2221) that it is the role of the parents to educate the child, particularly in the faith and in sexual matters. No one has the right to supercede this role, the parents are the primary educators, and have the right to oversee and approve what is being taught by those they delegate. the book is great, but you should have offered it to the parent, not the child.
 
Interesting response by the sister in law. I think I too would recommend an apology, with the assurance that you were not trying to intrude. I might preface that with a conversation with your brother about what happened.

I would ask him what happened, and whether or not either of them read the book. It would seem that one of two things happened. Either you were seen as an intruder on a family issue, even though they might agree with the contents of the book which they did not read, or someone has a radically different idea of what constitutes proper sexual behavior in teens.

Either way, to keep peace in the family, an apology to your sister in law is critical; and it should be fairly neutral; that is, don’t push your position on chastity, but simply say you had no intention of being intrusive. The conversation had come up and you had shared something which had been very helpful without intending to bypass any parental authority.

Then pray. Either she has the pricklies about inlaws being outlaws, or she is on a completely different wave length about sexuality. Either way, she, your brother, and your neice need prayers.
 
Yes, I agree I inadvertently seem to have made a faux-pas; however, this was not a premeditated act aimed at undermining parental authority. Like I said, if this booklet was so unwelcomed and intrusive why didn’t my brother simply say to his 19 yr. old son, " Let me see that book and read it first before you pass it to your sister." Or to me, “Thanks, sis, but no thanks. My wife may not appreciate this.” Unfortunately, he is out-of-town and unavailable for comment. Likewise, the point about the primary rights of parents to educate their children is one I share absolutely. “Pure Love” is a good resource and it is disheartening my sister-in-law made such haste to be rid of it.
 
It seems to me that your SIL is out of line. If you gave the kid the book right in front of the Dad, then you did NOTHING WRONG. You did not overstep their authority as parents, you were just offering to help and apparently the Dad didn’t have a problem with it. If the parents can’t agree on the issue, well that’s their problem, not yours.
 
Although there was nothing ill intended on giving the book, Talking first to your brother and sister-in-law is important. Family memebers sometimes loving and well meaning, we must not over step the line with parent and childGive her love and support of course but tread carefully, You are a good person, and seem to love and care about her very much:blessyou:
 
My parents would have had a whole lot more to say to any family member that gave us a book on the issue. They wouldn’t have been too happy even if they’d been consulted about it first. Bringing the issue up casually in conversation – “I remembered this wonderful book recently that I thought you might be interested in” – is one thing; suggesting that you could help them fulfill their parental duties, even if you don’t think of it that way, is another.
 
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masondoggy:
It seems to me that your SIL is out of line. If you gave the kid the book right in front of the Dad, then you did NOTHING WRONG. You did not overstep their authority as parents, you were just offering to help and apparently the Dad didn’t have a problem with it. If the parents can’t agree on the issue, well that’s their problem, not yours.
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Masondoggy – as a parent, it’s not “just their problem” – it will become hers too when her relationship suffers because the mother feels treaded upon. THere is NO feeling so awful as the one a mother feels when someone offers her a book to help where she obviously isn’t doing a good enough job – it’s like “here, it’s in black and white, you can’t possibly screw it up now!” – and I know that’s TOTALLY NOT what was meant by offering the book – I do know that…but we moms are incredibly insecure when it comes to our talents as parents; we spend every night and day second guessing ourselves and what those mistakes might mean…so yes, perhaps we’re a bit oversensitive…but it is indeed a parent’s territory, and to offer the book to dad (out of earshot of the boy, btw…so as not to indicate to him that his parents need help in this area) and suggest “tell Jane if she’s interested I have a great read on chastity and would be happy to send it over whenever she might want to read thru it – it really helped me” – that would have been the best approach. I have learned that sometimes, even if you disagree, you have to suck it up and apologize profusely in the interest of an emotion (*the mom, in this case) creating a rift that could fester for decades…I’ve seen it happen, and I’ve been the cause…it’s not fun; had I known a simple “sorry I stepped on your toes” could have ended it back when it started, I’d have fallen down trying to get there! Yes, we moms can get crazy-emotional when it comes to our babies…but that’s how it goes!
 
Yes, pray for me that I will find an opportunity to “return a blessing for a curse”. However, from past experience with my SIL I know she does not accept apologies gracefully. In the drop of a hat I would say “Sorry, I didn’t mean to step on your toes or suggest in anyway you are an incompetent mother.” Nonetheless, I fear a cavalcade of abuse from her and prudence suggests a cooling off period. Small acts of kindness will quickly dissipate all of her residual resentment.

As for the booklets on “Pure Love” I took them to church with me and held them up for any interested takers. I was immediately swarmed with anxious mothers eager to take them. This time the seeds fell on fertile ground and not amongst prickly thorns.:clapping:
 
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puzzleannie:
it is and always has been Catholic doctrine (CCC beginning about 2221) that it is the role of the parents to educate the child, particularly in the faith and in sexual matters. No one has the right to supercede this role, the parents are the primary educators, and have the right to oversee and approve what is being taught by those they delegate. the book is great, but you should have offered it to the parent, not the child.
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👍
 
I have given gifts like that in the past to teens. The parents have a right to screen it like any other gift. If they don’t like it they can toss it out or pass it on to someone who might use it.
 
La Chiara:
It would be kind of hard not to take your sister-in-laws rebuff personally. There was not a lot of kindness in statements such as “let me parent my children” and these are issues “for parents and not relatives”, especially in response to providing the advice and book you did. (If you had given your nephew, “Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask”, you would have deserved what she said and more! :eek: )

Unfortunately, she sounds insecure and perhaps intimidated by you. Is that possible? Are you more accomplished or sure of yourself than she is? In any case, you probably should politely apologize for upsetting her. Don’t explain yourself much more because she probably is just going to find reasons to get angry at you anyway. And if the situation is especially bad, she may find fault with anything and everything you do. Try not to let it escalate any further, no matter how unreasonable she is or becomes.

On the other hand, there are other explanations for her behavior. Perhaps your niece was upset because her brother was talking about her in a less than flattering and disloyal manner. Perhaps she was offended because she saw the book as a sign that you thought she might not be as pure as she should be. But still the best thing to do, is to apologize to your SIL without getting defensive. God bless.
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Well, yes this insecurity is seen even in some priests when the LAITY as us have studies more theology at an OFFICIAL UNIVERSITY than them: I know, and saw it: so don’t feel it’s only a real family thing. Usually these insecure type priests end up leaving the priesthood alltogether, I have seen it.
 
As a former 13yr old, Rosalinda, I would have had to have thanked you for that. Perhaps if I had been recieving thoughtful gifts like that from relatives, instead of “cute skirts” and makeup, I may have been a little bit better prepared for the dating scene. 🙂

But yes, I can also say my mother would have made disparaging remarks about an aunt who had given my brother a book for me, without asking her. Though something is also to be said about the mom who couldn’t take fifteen minutes of her time to flip through the book and see that it was a good supplement to her daughter’s education on life before returning it.

Hopefully a period of cooling off will chill the hot water, so to speak.

We should all be so lucky to have someone like you watching out for all our future daughters (and sons!) 🙂
 
Rosalinda,

I do not have a problem with other people offering advice on how to raise my children. I do have a problem with them thinking that I am obligated to abide by their advice.

With six children, I have many occasions to find that my kids are already reading materials suggested by a friend or adult, and I don’t have a problem with that. They value my opinion (or at least act like they do) to the point that they normally bring me anything particularly interesting or controversial for a discussion.

While I am still alive, I would they bring their items of curiosity to me so we can discuss how to respond to them. Protecting them from other people’s advice so that the first time they hear a view that opposes my own doesn’t happen until they move out of my house, such as to go away to college, is foolish.

If your sister-in-law doesn’t want your advice in raising her kids, fine. She then has prevented any good effect (or harm) that your advice may have had on her child. I hope she knows what she’s doing, because most children I know whose parents are very controlling of these things have problems and don’t see their parents as a resource because they are afraid to let their parents know what they have gotten into.

Alan
 
I guess I am one that just doesn’t get it. My in-laws give my kids religious materials often and I would not dream of being offended. I, as a parent, know that my primary role is the education of my children, but since I acknowledge that I do not know it all, I never object to good advice (or materials).

Yes, parents are primary, but it takes a village to raise a child. The reason baptism is considered a public sacrament is so that the whole community realizes their responsibility to these kids.

If I was in your shoes, I would apologize for any offense given and back off, but I think there is more than meets the eye in this situation.
 
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pnewton:
I guess I am one that just doesn’t get it. My in-laws give my kids religious materials often and I would not dream of being offended. I, as a parent, know that my primary role is the education of my children, but since I acknowledge that I do not know it all, I never object to good advice (or materials).

Yes, parents are primary, but it takes a village to raise a child. The reason baptism is considered a public sacrament is so that the whole community realizes their responsibility to these kids.

If I was in your shoes, I would apologize for any offense given and back off, but I think there is more than meets the eye in this situation.
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:amen:
 
Personally I think the sister-in-law is out-of-line, and putting her bitterness towards you ahead of goodness and genuine love for her child.

She should be thankful that she has loving family members looking out for the spiritual welfare of her child and giving good, morally-sound and genuine help. If the booklet was morally questionable in any way then that is a different matter, but having had personal experience with these books, i know they are not.

I find it totally bizairre for a mother to be angry because their child’s aunt gave a very good booklet for teenagers on sexual purity!

But then if schools taught her daughter how to put a condom on a banana would she complain…?

If you ask me, it sounds like arrogance and I think there may be deeper problems more rooted in her feelings towards you, rather than this incidence per se…
 
I have been on the receiving end of strongly-worded, unwanted advice from a sister-in-law, and it is no fun. In my case she was objecting to the school that we allowed my son to attend, which happens to be a minor seminary. I believe that I handled it with more charity than your in-law, but I do think that an apology is in order. I know that your intentions were good but she probably needs to hear that.

I do think that your in-law probably has deeper issues–people are often offended and threatened when a relative is visibly, actively working towards the sanctification of the family.
 
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