puzzled

[Monica4316]

I do have a strong fear though, that I’m beyond true repentance, and that no matter what I do I’m on the way to hell… because of these blasphemous thoughts. However, I think that since I want to turn away from sin and be with God, that’s already a grace… would you say that’s correct?

 

[Bookcat]

I do have a strong fear though, that I’m beyond true repentance, and that no matter what I do I’m on the way to hell… because of these blasphemous thoughts. However, I think that since I want to turn away from sin and be with God, that’s already a grace… would you say that’s correct?

Do not fear, only believe. (Mark 5:36)

Again…these thoughts…in order to be sins would have to be consented to! You do not want them at all…they displease you…you despise them even.

Thus do you know what is happening?

Since they keep coming and you do not consent to them…

You are making acts of virtue!

So no repentance for virtue…no hell for virtue…but only …well virtue…merit…reward…

and of course you have and are repenting of your *real *sins…

 

[Bookcat]

Meditate on the reality of Baptism…of your life now as a Christian!

Here are some things:

For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. ~ Galatians 3:27

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

The fruit of Baptism, or baptismal grace, is a rich reality that includes forgiveness of original sin and all personal sins, birth into the new life by which man becomes an adoptive son of the Father, a member of Christ and a temple of the Holy Spirit. By this very fact the person baptized is incorporated into the Church, the Body of Christ, and made a sharer in the priesthood of Christ. ~ Catechism of the Catholic Church 1279

Baptism… is also more than a simple washing, more than a kind of purification and beautification of the soul. It is truly death and resurrection, rebirth, transformation to a new life.
~ Pope Benedict XVI Homily Easter Vigil 2006

The early Church described Baptism as* fotismos*, as the Sacrament of illumination, as a communication of light, and linked it inseparably with the resurrection of Christ. In Baptism, God says to the candidate: “Let there be light!” The candidate is brought into the light of Christ. Christ now divides the light from the darkness. In him we recognize what is true and what is false, what is radiance and what is darkness.
~ Pope Benedict XVI Homily Easter Vigil 2009

This is the reality of Baptism: he, the Risen One, comes; he comes to you and joins his life with yours, drawing you into the open fire of his love.
~ Pope Benedict XVI Homily Easter Vigil 2008

 

[Bookcat]

Jesus descended for us into the dark waters of death. But through his blood, so the Letter to the Hebrews tells us, he was brought back from death: his love united itself to the Father’s love, and thus from the abyss of death he was able to rise to life. Now he raises us from the waters of death to true life. This is exactly what happens in Baptism: he draws us towards himself, he draws us into true life. He leads us through the often murky sea of history, where we are frequently in danger of sinking amid all the confusion and perils. In Baptism he takes us, as it were, by the hand, he leads us along the path that passes through the Red Sea of this life and introduces us to everlasting life, the true and upright life. Let us grasp his hand firmly! Whatever may happen, whatever may befall us, let us not lose hold of his hand! Let us walk along the path that leads to life. ~ Pope Benedict XVI Homily Easter Vigil 2008

In this sense it is true that anyone who does not know God, even though he may entertain all kinds of hopes, is ultimately without hope, without the great hope that sustains the whole of life (cf. Eph 2:12). Man’s great, true hope which holds firm in spite of all disappointments can only be God—God who has loved us and who continues to love us “to the end,” until all “is accomplished” (cf. Jn 13:1 and 19:30). Whoever is moved by love begins to perceive what “life” really is. He begins to perceive the meaning of the word of hope that we encountered in the Baptismal Rite: from faith I await “eternal life”—the true life which, whole and unthreatened, in all its fullness, is simply life. Jesus, who said that he had come so that we might have life and have it in its fullness, in abundance (cf. Jn 10:10), has also explained to us what “life” means: “this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent” (Jn 17:3). Life in its true sense is not something we have exclusively in or from ourselves: it is a relationship. And life in its totality is a relationship with him who is the source of life. If we are in relation with him who does not die, who is Life itself and Love itself, then we are in life. Then we “live”.
~ Pope Benedict XVI On Christian Hope (Spe Salvi) 27

In Baptism we give ourselves over to Christ – he takes us unto himself, so that we no longer live for ourselves, but through him, with him and in him; so that we live with him and thus for others. In Baptism we surrender ourselves, we place our lives in his hands, and so we can say with Saint Paul, “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me ~ Pope Benedict XVI Homily Easter Vigil 2007

 

[Monica4316]

Do not fear, only believe. (Mark 5:36)

Again…these thoughts…in order to be sins would have to be consented to! You do not want them at all…they displease you…you despise them even.

yes but I feel like I did consent to them, because I felt them so strongly and didn’t resist them… even though in my will I don’t want them… my will wavered and I lost control of it… that’s what’s scaring me. I gave in to blaspheming the Holy Spirit!! I didn’t intentionally, freely will the thoughts… but I didn’t use my will to control what I’m thinking or feeling, I fell into temptation, even if through weakness, - and isn’t that a sin?

I feel SO strongly now that I’m for sure going to hell, and can’t escape my fate.

I’m thinking of what hell is like… and being there in torment, forever, without Jesus, without Mary… and what makes this worse is that I know what it’s like to be with Him, I’ve experienced Him in the Eucharist, I feel SUCH a sense of loss… and like He won’t accept me back.
*
is it a mortal sin if I never willed the thoughts, but I lost control of my will and let them happen - through weakness - and let myself be affected by them, and felt them?.. *and now they’ve changed my heart… it’s such an effort to want to love God… just to choose to love Him is a huge effort. I’m choosing to now (and I’m trying to suppress the horrible thoughts that echo in my mind)… but I don’t know how I’ll ever come back to Him.

This is the worst situation I’ve ever been in

I’ll speak to my spiritual director on Wednesday… but I miss God so much and whenever I think of Him, I feel so distant and SURE that I’m going to hell… sure that I’ve chosen to blaspheme Him, that I’m a blasphemer. And that I’ll never be able to repent properly.

But still I don’t want to sin… for some reason i’m not giving up and not choosing to stop loving Him. I just can’t… I can’t let go of Him, and i never will, even if He puts me in hell.

I’m sorry I’m really suffering now please pray for me a sinner…

BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND… I know that He forgave me so many times already, for this… what’s different now? did I somehow consent to these thoughts now? did God give up on me and lost patience with me?

my feelings keep on changing… sometimes I feel forgiven and other times I feel I’m definitely lost… but the feeling of being lost is so strong and so certain.

 

[Bookcat]

yes but I feel like I did consent to them, because I felt them so strongly and didn’t resist them… even though in my will I don’t want them… my will wavered and I lost control of it… that’s what’s scaring me. I gave in to blaspheming the Holy Spirit!! I didn’t intentionally, freely will the thoughts… but I didn’t use my will to control what I’m thinking or feeling, I fell into temptation, even if through weakness, - and isn’t that a sin?

I feel SO strongly now that I’m for sure going to hell, and can’t escape my fate.

I’m thinking of what hell is like… and being there in torment, forever, without Jesus, without Mary… and what makes this worse is that I know what it’s like to be with Him, I’ve experienced Him in the Eucharist, I feel SUCH a sense of loss… and like He won’t accept me back.
*
is it a mortal sin if I never willed the thoughts, but I lost control of my will and let them happen - through weakness - and let myself be affected by them, and felt them?.. *and now they’ve changed my heart… it’s such an effort to want to love God… just to choose to love Him is a huge effort. I’m choosing to now (and I’m trying to suppress the horrible thoughts that echo in my mind)… but I don’t know how I’ll ever come back to Him.

This is the worst situation I’ve ever been in

I’ll speak to my spiritual director on Wednesday… but I miss God so much and whenever I think of Him, I feel so distant and SURE that I’m going to hell… sure that I’ve chosen to blaspheme Him, that I’m a blasphemer. And that I’ll never be able to repent properly.

But still I don’t want to sin… for some reason i’m not giving up and not choosing to stop loving Him. I just can’t… I can’t let go of Him, and i never will, even if He puts me in hell.

I’m sorry I’m really suffering now please pray for me a sinner…

BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND… I know that He forgave me so many times already, for this… what’s different now? did I somehow consent to these thoughts now? did God give up on me and lost patience with me?

my feelings keep on changing… sometimes I feel forgiven and other times I feel I’m definitely lost… but the feeling of being lost is so strong and so certain.

One can feel even a temptation or such thoughts which are tormenting you…or experience vividly the thoughts in ones mind…even as if one is thinking them …almost pronouncing them…or be hounded by them in such a way …but still not give consent…at least not complete consent for any mortal sin! But not even any consent. And in any case remember that these are not blaspheming the Holy Spirit (remember what the Church says about this…what that is…)

Your feelings are not the measure here…

One must judge with ones* reason*…and also steer by faith

of course such brings feelings of sorrow…for it is a terrible experience.

And* remember* such thoughts are better dealt with by not fearing them…by passing them by…(not by resisting them head on…so do not try so much to resist them directly but indirectly…by turning elsewhere…that is the way…)

I would suggest certainly seeing your spiritual director…and perhaps looking also into if it is OCD for it sounds like what I have read about…

in any case…whatever it is…

perhaps in a sense you are having to stand silently holding onto your faith …as a kind of martyr in the midst of such accosting thoughts…

Cling in faith to Jesus Christ the Good Shepherd.

And* know * in your mind…in your understanding…with faith…that he loves you even if you do not right now feel it…and that you love him…even though not one pleasant feeling crosses your heart…

Stand fast like a martyr …

Cling in faith to Jesus Christ the Good Shepherd.

Jesus is your hope! He is your anchor! Hold fast to him amidst the waves that churn.

 

[GraceAndTruth]

Jesus descended for us into the dark waters of death. But through his blood, so the Letter to the Hebrews tells us, he was brought back from death: his love united itself to the Father’s love, and thus from the abyss of death he was able to rise to life. Now he raises us from the waters of death to true life. This is exactly what happens in Baptism: he draws us towards himself, he draws us into true life. He leads us through the often murky sea of history, where we are frequently in danger of sinking amid all the confusion and perils. In Baptism he takes us, as it were, by the hand, he leads us along the path that passes through the Red Sea of this life and introduces us to everlasting life, the true and upright life. Let us grasp his hand firmly! Whatever may happen, whatever may befall us, let us not lose hold of his hand! Let us walk along the path that leads to life. ~ Pope Benedict XVI Homily Easter Vigil 2008

In this sense it is true that anyone who does not know God, even though he may entertain all kinds of hopes, is ultimately without hope, without the great hope that sustains the whole of life (cf. Eph 2:12). Man’s great, true hope which holds firm in spite of all disappointments can only be God—God who has loved us and who continues to love us “to the end,” until all “is accomplished” (cf. Jn 13:1 and 19:30). Whoever is moved by love begins to perceive what “life” really is. He begins to perceive the meaning of the word of hope that we encountered in the Baptismal Rite: from faith I await “eternal life”—the true life which, whole and unthreatened, in all its fullness, is simply life. Jesus, who said that he had come so that we might have life and have it in its fullness, in abundance (cf. Jn 10:10), has also explained to us what “life” means: “this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent” (Jn 17:3). Life in its true sense is not something we have exclusively in or from ourselves: it is a relationship. And life in its totality is a relationship with him who is the source of life. If we are in relation with him who does not die, who is Life itself and Love itself, then we are in life. Then we “live”.
~ Pope Benedict XVI On Christian Hope (Spe Salvi) 27

In Baptism we give ourselves over to Christ – he takes us unto himself, so that we no longer live for ourselves, but through him, with him and in him; so that we live with him and thus for others. In Baptism we surrender ourselves, we place our lives in his hands, and so we can say with Saint Paul, “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me ~ Pope Benedict XVI Homily Easter Vigil 2007

What Bookcat wrote above is so true! I never have read this that Pope Bendedict wrote…
These are words to cherish and ponder…
Dear, your wanting to love God, is enough… And by the grace of God He will bring you into this understanding more and more… I cant stress enough how much the scriptures help give us understanding of ourselves and God. They glorify Him and help us to glorify Him… By the power of the Holy Spirit through the scriptures we become transformed in OUR THINKING . There is nothing we can do bad enough that God will not forgive. I asked a priest about the unforgiveable sin against the Holy Spirit and he said that is when our hearts refuse to accept what the Holy Spirit is telling us and refuse to repent. You on the other hand, do want to repent and want Gods love… So you are not sinning… You are just being tormented by Satan… Knowledge of Christ more and more gives us more faith because we understand how and what to do as He did…
“But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” This is from 1 Peter…
We are VERY fortunate to have the scriptures in our homes… So read them while you can… You never know what the future holds…

14But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, 15and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. From 2 Timothy.

Gob bless you with His grace all the more!

 

[phoooiee]

Sometimes I feel this way. I don’t know if this will help, but try to think of something to do, something very simple, that would help you to recognize yourself as an instrument capable of great love. Remember that even though you are a sinner, you are also part of the Body of Christ.

 

[Monica4316]

Thank you for the help!!

Yesterday I prayed for a long time… I felt almost unable to repent, or to feel contrition, or any love for God. It was very painful, because I was seeking more contrition but felt lost…

then, something happened and I realized I need to truly humble myself before God. I tried very hard to get rid of my pride… and still, nothing was happening. Then I was ready to give up… but then finally God answered my prayer, though not in the way I expected. What I was praying for is that He would help me see how much I’ve offended Him so that I would repent. But I guess through this, I was already repenting, because instead I just felt His mercy… I felt His presence again, like before, for a minute or so. Then afterwards I felt peace.

Today, I’m back into this “dark night”… I also keep on falling, ie: remembering the evil words. I don’t want to remember them any more though. I want to repent and actually keep my resolution to never have these words again. I’ll go to Confession on Wednesday and try again… I’ll keep on trying until this is over. I just want to not sin anymore. My only prayer is that God would forgive me… I’m scared that He won’t forgive me or that I’ll never be able to overcome this sin/temptation, but my only hope right now is His mercy.

 

[Bookcat]

One can feel even a temptation or such thoughts which are tormenting you…or experience vividly the thoughts in ones mind…they can spring from your memory…even as if one is thinking them …almost pronouncing them…or be hounded by them in such a way …but still not give consent…at least not complete consent for any mortal sin!
*
But not even any consent.* Do not equate the fact that they happen in your mind with your consenting to them. Call only sin --sin. Temptation or annoying thoughts that one does not want…does not consent to…is not sin. Period.

---

Your feelings are not the measure here…***

One must judge with ones reason…and also steer by faith

And remember such thoughts are better dealt with by not fearing them…by passing them by…(not by resisting them head on…so do not try so much to resist them directly but indirectly…by turning elsewhere…that is the way…)

I would suggest certainly seeing your spiritual director…and perhaps looking also into if it is OCD for it sounds like what I have read about…

in any case…whatever it is…

perhaps in a sense you are having to stand silently holding onto your faith …as a kind of martyr in the midst of such accosting thoughts…

Cling in faith to Jesus Christ the Good Shepherd.

And know in your mind…in your understanding…with faith…that he loves you even if you do not right now feel it…and that you love him…even though not one pleasant feeling crosses your heart…

Stand fast like a martyr …

Cling in faith to Jesus Christ the Good Shepherd.

Jesus is your hope! He is your anchor! Hold fast to him amidst the waves that churn.

---

 

[Monica4316]

See this makes sense, - but I feel a tremendous need for repentance, and at the same time it’s difficult to repent because I feel so far from God and like I can’t get to Him… I feel that I’ve offended Him very much. Either I did, or I allowed these thoughts to affect me. I don’t WANT them right now… and I never explicitly wanted to blaspheme the Holy Spirit. But I did let them happen and allowed myself to listen to them and say them in my mind and even feel them… I still can’t figure out if it was I who was saying them in my mind, or not, - it wasn’t a fully conscious thing at all and I didn’t mean to say them, but I did, they affected me greatly. I’ll speak to my spiritual director about this… :s it’s almost like. .I said the words out of pressure/stress and a few times I felt like I didn’t care anymore, but I never deliberately willed to blaspheme God and was upset about it right when it happened. I don’t want to make any excuses though when I’m repenting of sin…

despite all this, I feel horrible about the thoughts and I want to love God, and I hope that would be enough to get me through. Im not giving up at all.