Ya know I think I’ve had this for years, I quit going to Church as soon as I graduated from high school. I felt such the fear of God, as such a bad person just seeing everything I did wrong, I worried about going to hell and was scared , about being bad. Never being good enough.
I remember the nuns and was scard of them, and scared of going to confession.
I remember not really knowing what was going on at Mass, said in Latin, and kneeling for hours and standing in line, we went to a huge Cathedral, It all scared me.
of course as I got into my teens I’d put up a fuss having to go to Church. I didn’t want to, but parents made me. We went on and off then as my Dad was out of town drving truck and Mom didn’t drive and we lived in country.
Oh well I’d fast foward but thats enough, but lets just say I did get to the point in my life,
where I started reading the Bible at home, and more I read it the more I felt God was a mericful loving God and very forgiving.
Now I’m not saying anthing Catholic here ok, but the funny thing is since reading and finding this board, its all coming back to me, and I read some posts now that make me feel awful again now. not saying anyone is awful here, but well I’m thinking everything is a sin now, and how rotten I am once again.
I think I understand what you are saying, and it is, in fact, not wrong in my opinion. However, I must ask, don’t you think there is a reason you are feeling bad by being confronted other than the fault of the posts/teachings here?
Could it be that there are some unresolved issues you have with God, maybe a conviction of the Holy Spirit? Maybe a process of coming to that horrible, yet beautiful, place of laying it all at His feet and saying, " I can’t do this on my own, I need you". Horrible for the pain leading to it, but beautiful for the weight that is lifted.
And of course, while we should go and sin no more, it is not out of the realistic expectation to sin again. We are human after all. Otherwise, the Sacraments would be a one shot deal, I suppose.
Remember, even Saints have said for centuries:
Latin:
"Confiteor Deo omnipotenti, et vobis fratres, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo opere et omissione:** mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. **Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem, omnes angelos et Sanctos, et vobis fratres, orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum. Amen. "
English:
“I confess to almighty God
and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have greatly sinned
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done
and in what I have failed to do,
[All strike their breast]
through my fault, through my fault,
through my most grievous fault;
therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,
all the Angels and Saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord our God.”
My personal struggle, coming from Protestantism, is understanding doctrines regarding Mary. Purgatory was an easy doctrine to accept, as were most other things. Mary though, and even prayer for intercession of Saints, I admit, I get sporadically uncomfortable with. I don’t “refuse” to pray for the intercession of the Blessed Virgin, by no means and never. However, I do pray that God will reveal the understanding to me that I need or at least take the burden of Protestant guilt regarding such things from my heart. I often throw in prayers for intercession of Saints as a sidebar, but it makes me uncomfortable and then I feel bad about the discomfort because I know it’s wrong. This may or may not sound familiar.
I know it’s not idolatry, but ya spend 27 years of your 28 years being told X regarding Z… accepting Z, outside of X’s lies, often requires the transitional “Y”(Why?).
Re-read the various epistles of St. Paul. His struggles are evident, self-admittedly so. Granted, they are not the struggles you face, but the man is a Saint. He trusted God though, and I’d say he did a fine job (though who am I to judge?
)
Read the biography of any Saint. They all struggled with certain things. I haven’t read of any standing up on a soapbox and saying, “Hey guys, I did it. I get and understand everything, go me”. Quite the opposite in fact. But all had to start from a place of self-denial and true seeking.
The easiest transition of this which can be easily read about is St. Augustine.
You’re in the prayers of many, keep the faith and grow in it.
