Question about a protestant in-law

[CajunLife]

I think I’m hitting a confusing “moment” in life. What drives me to post in the first place is a question about evangelizing to my SIL… my thoughts are a tangled mess on this so I feel I should explain, although I’m not sure I’m going to be very good at it.

I’m married to a protestant. I had no idea it would have times of feeling this lonely and hard to be a Catholic married to a protestant. At times, I feel like I can’t practice my faith fully and openly because I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to confuse him, I’m afraid of being a bad example of a Catholic (so in effect, I become an even worse example) and most of all I’m afraid of causing him to completely reject Catholicism. He agreed for our children to be raised Catholic, they were baptized, we were married in the Church, and we attend Mass on Sundays as a family. But even with all of that I can sense him tense up and close off any time religion becomes a topic of conversation, so I just let it go. I just see it in his body language, he’s trying to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. If I do manage to have a conversation with him, I shake and shiver from being so nervous and excited at the same time that I’m barely able to convey anything truly significant. And in our conversations he occasionally has mentioned things about not becoming Catholic and that I shouldn’t be trying to convince him to become Catholic, which mostly just feels like I shouldn’t talk with him about my faith at all. Its a huge iron door and I can’t get through it. He can talk to his sister and she’ll blabber on and on and on about God and he doesn’t mind… but I, his wife, will just get what feels like a “door slam”.

So with that, I feel like I fail as a wife. If my place in his life is as important as he tells me, why can’t I reach him? Why can’t we have any real dialogue about faith?

For whatever reason his sister sent some coloring books to our kids with bible stories and stories about Jesus. I feel like she barely knows them and certainly isn’t involved in their education or religious upbringing, so I can’t help but feel slighted by her gift to them. On the one hand I know its “just how she is” and that its probably just a nice gesture and what not. But I’ve noticed jabs from her before about my son and my parenting and his education… so I tend to have a very good memory for that sort of thing and this gift just sort of feels like a jab. I also tend to be a bit protective of my children and their Catholic education and wouldn’t appreciate it if she’s trying to “plant a seed” in favor of her protestant christianity (not that I think a coloring book is going to be a problem, its who its from that could become an issue depending on the intentions).

Anyway. All this got my mind working and I thought about how she’s so non-stop about God. I’m cool with a conversation about God… except, I find myself being quiet. Beyond my normal “I’m too shy to speak or add anything to conversation” kind of quiet. Quiet, because I understand she’s protestant and I’m Catholic. Quiet, because I know I don’t have all the answers and I’m not very good at explaining things, regardless of how many books I’ve read and how much I’ve studied the Catechism. I’d like to be done being quiet. I’d like to be done with, for all intents and purposes, hiding my faith. I don’t like it. I want to scream it out, shake it around, do the hokey pokey, turn it all about, and say " YES, YES, I’M CATHOLIC!!! You knew this from the start and yet you just like to pretend that I’m so nice for not wanting to shock you or offend you for talking about my faith! Well, I’m talking now and I’m not going to shut up!". It’s a bit dramatic and I’m totally not like that in reality but thats the gist of the attitude I want to have, anyway… in my own, quiet but obvious sort of way.

I’ve sort of got the idea in my head of sending her a saints medal, a Rosary with a small booklet explaining what it is and how to pray it, or a booklet about a Saint that might take on some significance to her. With Christmas coming up it seems a good opportunity to give her a gift like that. I’m not sure if that’s okay to do though. Would it be backhanded? Would it be seen as a attack? Over-zealous? I guess I just don’t know with so much going on in my mind with all of it. I feel like, if she can be completely open about her faith and go so far as to share it with my children through a gift, then it would be completely within reason for me to share my faith with her, also through a gift. But I don’t want to do anything rash, or out of spite.

Of course, I’m also struggling. Its weird because I completely believe and understand Catholic teachings. Everything makes sense to me. Confession, Baptism, Confirmation, the Eucharist, our priests, Mary, the Saints. It all fits and all other denominations seem so incomplete and some even seem completely empty. But even though I have all the reasoning to see the Catholic faith as correct, I’m having trouble maintaining a belief in God. I want to believe and I wouldn’t say that I don’t. I just have moments where He seems altogether remote. Unfortunately this happens most during my sons religion class (he’s six and I homeschool using Seton). I almost feel like I’m teaching him about an imaginary friend… I hate that feeling. The concept of “Jesus loves you” just starts to feel hallow to me, and I hate that feeling too. I feel like I can’t relate to it, I feel like I’ve completely forgotten how to understand it.

So here I am. Struggling with my faith, yet wanting to live it out loud at the same time. God, am I ever struggling.

I’m sorry this was so long. I’m a longwinded person… can’t help myself. If you made it through all of that, bless your heart, go get a cookie. You deserve it. And thank you.

 

[JRKH]

1. Men are funny creatures when it comes to such kinds of conversations.
   Your husband is not ready to have these conversations so don’t push it. Just live your faith as best you can without compromising. Love him and your children and leave the rest up to the Holy Spirit. A thousand words cannot have half as good effect as simple, consistent good example.
2. SIL’s gift to the children. Let it pass. I’m sure the kids enjoyed coloring the books and reading the bible stories…no harm…no foul.
3. Giving SIL a “Catholic” gift…Only you can say if this seems like a good idea. However, from what you have written…I would say no, at least not yet. It does not sound like you have quite the right relationship with her, nor do you sound quite confident enough in your own abilities to explain and debate the faith with her.
   I would suggest starting with conversation rather than gift giving.
4. Tied to number 3 above, wear your faith this Christmas…Do you own a nice crucifix necklace? Wear it. See if anyone comments on it. If your SIL speaks of God, listen carefully and express agreement where agreement is possible (there is probably a lot of this). You can even express to her how Catholics believe the same thing though we might express it differently.
   Then you can just see how the conversation flows.

Most importantly…if things start to get overwhelming…feel free to slow it down and let your SIL (or anyone else) know that, while you don’t have all the answers at your fingertips, you will be happy to look the answers up and get back to them.

Just some thoughts…

Peace
James

 

[Sam43232]

Hello! I don’t know if I’ll be able to give good advice, not having been in the particular situation you are in before. but I read all the way through and I’ve said a prayer for you.

My thoughts so far based on what I read (I hope this is helpful!):

1. If you are comfortable, you should think about teaching your son about Protestantism. His relatives are going to be Protestants, and he should know what they believe. This may help him and it will probably help you to be less wary of your sister in law’s interactions with your son.

I know my tag says Protestant (because I am right now) but I’m in the process of becoming a Catholic. So I’m not saying this to undermine your son’s Catholic education - but it’s possible to teach religions comparatively and show your son the strengths and weaknesses in other points of view and why you and presumably he are Catholic.

1. You need to dance and do the hokey pokey and shout: “Yes, yes, I’m Catholic!” You shouldn’t have to feel quiet or even defensive about being a Catholic Christian. If it helps your husband you can agree not to say anything about him converting or ask him to participate etc but he and his family should be okay with you being yourself - and yourself means Catholic! I think this will help your relationship with God too. A secret relationship with God is very difficult.
2. I would advise against sending Rosaries, saints medals etc. to your Protestant sister in law. (This is based on my incomplete information, you may know better!) Protestants find Mary and medals and relics in general very difficult. I would recommend sending her familiar things that are also Catholic like:

A) Catholic videos about individual Popes or saints or your idea of a book or booklet are great (Protestants read about missionaries and “Protestant” saints so that genre will be familiar to her)

B) Prayers / inspirational quotes from Catholic saints (I’d only send prayers addressed directly to God to her for now though)

C) Innocuous Catholic things that could have been produced by a Protestant - this will reinforce the fact that you worship the same God and are (in small part) heirs to the same tradition

Of course it depends on what you think she would be receptive to and how she reacts to the first thing you give her.

1. I’m sure you do already but: make sure you have good Catholic friends to spend time with! This will also help your faith. It’s hard to be a Lone Ranger Catholic.

I think if you want specific advice it might be helpful to clarify the following:

1. What are your husband’s beliefs? Is he also Protestant?
2. Your sister in law - what does she actually think about Catholics? Committed Protestants can have a whole variety of views about Catholics ranging from “brothers and sisters in Christ” to “followers of the antichrist.”

I wish you all the best in your situation and I hope what I wrote was helpful. God bless!

 

[agnes_therese]

I’m married to a protestant. I had no idea it would have times of feeling this lonely and hard to be a Catholic married to a protestant. At times, I feel like I can’t practice my faith fully and openly because I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to confuse him, I’m afraid of being a bad example of a Catholic (so in effect, I become an even worse example) and most of all I’m afraid of causing him to completely reject Catholicism. He agreed for our children to be raised Catholic, they were baptized, we were married in the Church, and we attend Mass on Sundays as a family. But even with all of that I can sense him tense up and close off any time religion becomes a topic of conversation, so I just let it go. I just see it in his body language, he’s trying to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. If I do manage to have a conversation with him, I shake and shiver from being so nervous and excited at the same time that I’m barely able to convey anything truly significant. And in our conversations he occasionally has mentioned things about not becoming Catholic and that I shouldn’t be trying to convince him to become Catholic, which mostly just feels like I shouldn’t talk with him about my faith at all. Its a huge iron door and I can’t get through it. He can talk to his sister and she’ll blabber on and on and on about God and he doesn’t mind… but I, his wife, will just get what feels like a “door slam”.

Don’t push it, but don’t avoid it either. Live your Catholic life, and let him see the joy it brings.

For whatever reason his sister sent some coloring books to our kids with bible stories and stories about Jesus. I feel like she barely knows them and certainly isn’t involved in their education or religious upbringing, so I can’t help but feel slighted by her gift to them.

Unless these coloring books were specifically anti-Catholic, I don’t understand why you would feel slighted. Are they?

I’ve sort of got the idea in my head of sending her a saints medal, a Rosary with a small booklet explaining what it is and how to pray it, or a booklet about a Saint that might take on some significance to her. With Christmas coming up it seems a good opportunity to give her a gift like that. I’m not sure if that’s okay to do though. Would it be backhanded? Would it be seen as a attack? Over-zealous?

If you’re upset about her sending your children Bible coloring books, why should she react any differently if you sent her specifically Catholic items?

I think you need to stop worrying about her so much. You know how she is, and you’re not going to change her. Unless she tries to go specifically anti-Catholic on your children,
just let her be. I

 

[SuS33]

My dear I feel for what you are going through though I don’t have the same Situation, but my family are more of a Cafiteria Catholics than faithful once. It is so hard to talk about religion with them without it turning into a fight. Some times (rarely) I actually manage to place my argument withought them being defensive, but most of the time I feel like being quiet cuz there is just no point in starting another fight. I admit, I get loud too if the other person starts attacking me. But I pray about it a lot! And yet I feel I don’t pray enough. Whenever I manage to get away with convincing them of something I go to my room and pray hard asking God to help that seed I tried to plant to grow by his graces. Also asking saints and specially our Holy Mother for her intercession. Finally one day God answered my prayers and most of them went to confession. I thanked the Lord and praised him. No they are not saints yet nor faithful Catholics either… Yet! But I have faith in the Lord that he will not let my family stray very far, not just cuz of my prayers but also cuz they are his sheep. And the Good Shaphard takes care of his sheep like he took care of me and brought me back home. See I was lost too before.

So keep being the best Catholic you could be, yes I agree with the poster who told you to start wearing a crucifix this season. You respect their faith and beleifs they should respect yours. There is nothing wrong with your SIL gift. Just let it pass. And yes eventually you’ll have to teach your children about the protestant faith. They’ll need to know not just because of their relative but every Catholic should know the defrence and know how to defend their faith eventually.

As for your husband, he already goes to Mass and allowed your kids to be Catholic. Pray and ask God to give him an abundance of graces when he is there and enlighten him. You will not be able to convince your husband of anything. Faith comes only through a grace from God. If you are already praying then pray more. Offer your sufferings to Jesus for the conversion of your husband. Fast at least one day a week or just abstain from something you can’t normally live without. And persevere when you’re prayers are not answered, trust that God is listening, he will only answer in his own time not yours. And rejoice in your suffering cuz it means that God loves you and because he choose you to be an instrument to bring your husband back to his flock, and maybe even your in laws. Cuz God sure loves them since he put you in their path.

God bless you my dear sister I will pray a rosary for you and your family today.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

I have a similar situation with my husband in that we are married in the Church, but he practices no faith at all. His sister is a Baptist, his mother is a member of some group called ‘the church of God and Prophesy’. They used to be anti-Catholic but over the past 28 yrs of our marriage have now come to realize that I am a Christian, that I am a faithful worshipper of the Holy Trinity, I do read the bible and go to Church almost every single day. They have been attending Midnight Mass with me for the past 5 years and now look forward to it as part of our Christmas family tradition. My husband does not want me to talk to him about Catholicism but he does want me to lead prayers at mealtimes and whenever we have a particular problem or facing illness, etc. I have resigned myself to his stance and there is peace in our household. I sometimes ask him if he would like to go to Mass with me and the answer is usually ‘no thanks’. He knows how much I love the Lord and in particular my Catholic faith. I teach RCIA, am an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion for the sick and a Marriage advocate for our Diocese. He has no doubt of my faith or my sincerity. The rest is up to the HOly Spirit . It is not hard to practice my faith at all. The Lord leads me to what He wants me to do and I just keep saying ‘yes’. Focus on the great gift of faith that you have been given and you will be just fine.

 

[thankulord]

My heart goes out to you. You want to have conversation about a topic close to your heart even if there is some confusion and your husband doesn’t want to hear a word. You don’t have a choice here. Try your best to live and follow your faith with no discussion of the topic with him. For example, you have a chance to go to Sat morning Mass with your children. “Honey, we are going to Mass, see you later.” Communicate to him about all other matters.

Find a prayer group or sharing group within your church. Lets see maybe a Cursillo or a retreat where you will find others rather than your husband that you can share your faith with.

Ask God to help you in the homeschooling situation. Maybe you have just not had the experience to teach your faith directly to your children as the materials are expecting you to do, so it feels awkward as teaching anything for the first time often does. Maybe instead of teaching your son, “Jesus Loves you”, you can ask him when he has felt Jesus’ love? And you could give an example, even if it was a past example. " I felt Jesus love when you were born " and explain. Or, " I feel Jesus love when I sit quietly in church." I feel Jesus love when my children helped another child etc.

It sounds like God is using you and also challenging you to grow even more in your faith. God bless you. Try your best to live your faith my showing love.

 

[CajunLife]

Thank you all for your responses. I’d like to reply with more but its been a busy weekend and a busy day. But I’m definitely taking everything you’ve all said to heart and am encouraged.

 

[schaeffer]

Huge hugs.

Your pain, frustration and hurting heart ring loud and clear in your post.

I wonder if your own inner feeling of hollowness is making the other issues more painful. When we are feeling a bit unsettled within ourselves, it makes it harder to deal with any outside challenges. We want affirmation, not more questions.

Perhaps with your husband, he feels right now that he has supported your practice of your faith, and teaching the children the same, and that for now that is enough. If that was the marital agreement what are you seeking from him now? It sounds like he is being supportive, perhaps he wants to be able to have his faith right now without being “challenged” about it, rather like it sounds you need right now.

I don’t think you need to do other than live your faith. If that includes having Catholic statues in the home, or wearing a Crucifix do so.

I don’t understand why the SIL giving the kids Bible coloring books is a problem. Are they anti Catholic?

I do not think it’s appropriate to give someone you know is not Catholic, Catholic sacramentals as gifts! I don’t think it appropriate for anyone to give items specific to one faith to someone of another faith unless it was asked for, as a Christmas gift.

Clearly you have a lot going on right now and feel overwhelmed. It sounds like you are doing a great job. I understand how teaching our faith to another often does bring up issues and questions within ourselves. It’s part of the process and ultimately we can grow from it as we keep moving forward.

It can feel awkward and disturbing along the way, but it is not necessarily a sign that one is losing faith, or has lost faith, but perhaps that we are sorting things out as we take them to another level.We do confront our own questions of faith when we have children.

Also, our relationship with our faith changes. It is not unusual for children to first understand Jesus as an invisible friend when they are young, nearly a story book figure and that understanding and relationship changes as they grow. So when you describe Christ on a level the children can grasp, I can understand how it might sound hollow or incomplete to you.

 

[GideonCaleb]

I’ll take one of those cookies!

Lots of good advice given here already, including from a Protestant in the process of coming home.

I have been a fire-breathing Bible-thumping Evangelical Protestant since my teen years, but 3 Easters ago I was baptized into the catholic church.

My sister married a catholic, but they decided not to be a house divided. So prior to marriage they each attended the new member classes at the other’s church, and discussed which one they thought was best. Together they chose the catholic faith.

I supported my sister’s decision, even though I knew little about the catholic faith at that time. I told her that “they” believed in the same God (I knew that much!) and that the most important thing was for her to be united with her husband on such an important matter. I had no idea at the time that I would follow in her footsteps many years later, and through no effort of hers or her husband’s!

You are exactly right when you say that other denominations are incomplete. I reached a limit where the best Protestant churches had nothing to add to my faith. I thought that no church taught what God was showing me. In true Protestant fashion, I was learning more of God’s truth through “Scripture alone” with the help of the Holy Spirit. What a surprise when I learned that my “new” understanding was actually quite old, and enshrined in the Tradition taught by the catholic church!

I want to add two things that I think will help you greatly with your Sister-in-Law. First, do send her a gift, and a catholic one at that. But not something that you would have to explain, like a Rosary. It simply has no meaning to Protestants, and almost all of them misunderstand why catholics pray to Mary. Send her an easy to read book about the life of a Saint who lived BEFORE the Reformation.

There is nothing divisive here. There was no division in the faith at that time. It is common history shared by all Christians. If chosen well, you can connect her with some of the rich history and tradition of the church with which she is probably completely unaware. At a later date, once you are closer to her, you can explain to her how and why we pray to the Saints, and she will have at least one Saint whom she feels she knows well. If there is a pre-Reformation Saint who is particularly meaningful to you, that is an obvious choice for which story to send her.

My second suggestion is to pray and meditate on the reality that there is no competition here. Your SIL does in fact worship the same God as you. She believes all the key tenants of the faith. She simply does not know that there is more she could be learning. So don’t worry about her influence on your children. Be grateful that she demonstrates an enthusiasm for her faith. She can only be a good influence on them. Pray about this until it permeates every thought you have about her.

In fact, this enthusiasm is the main thing that Protestantism has going for it. On the whole, they do know how to get people more excited about their faith in God than the average catholic is. It sounds like you would do well to emulate your SIL in this respect. If you live near her, or see her often enough, you should try to do more things with her.

Attend special events at her church with your children. Attend prayer meetings with her. Invite her to similar meetings you attend. Think of her as a team member who forgot her uniform at home.

What you will find is that you will each build the other’s faith. She will help you loosen up a bit, and may even have ideas to get your husband talking. And plenty of opportunities will come up for you to first demonstrate how much the faiths have in common, and then to demonstrate how much deeper the catholic faith goes.These will build up in her mind, and change her perspective over time, and hopefully lead her into the fullness of the catholic faith.

But don’t be in any rush. Just live your faith, and thank God for giving you a SIL whose faith in Him is also strong. Even if she remains Protestant, only good can come of all of this.

And the only possible hinderance I can see is if she has a strong prejudice against the catholic church already. But if she does, I suspect you would know about it already. If you run into resistance you don’t understand, just come back here and several of us can help you “decode” the Protestant mindset.

 

[Mummsie]

I’ll take one of those cookies!

Lots of good advice given here already, including from a Protestant in the process of coming home.

I have been a fire-breathing Bible-thumping Evangelical Protestant since my teen years, but 3 Easters ago I was baptized into the catholic church.

My sister married a catholic, but they decided not to be a house divided. So prior to marriage they each attended the new member classes at the other’s church, and discussed which one they thought was best. Together they chose the catholic faith.

I supported my sister’s decision, even though I knew little about the catholic faith at that time. I told her that “they” believed in the same God (I knew that much!) and that the most important thing was for her to be united with her husband on such an important matter. I had no idea at the time that I would follow in her footsteps many years later, and through no effort of hers or her husband’s!

You are exactly right when you say that other denominations are incomplete. I reached a limit where the best Protestant churches had nothing to add to my faith. I thought that no church taught what God was showing me. In true Protestant fashion, I was learning more of God’s truth through “Scripture alone” with the help of the Holy Spirit. What a surprise when I learned that my “new” understanding was actually quite old, and enshrined in the Tradition taught by the catholic church!

I want to add two things that I think will help you greatly with your Sister-in-Law. First, do send her a gift, and a catholic one at that. But not something that you would have to explain, like a Rosary. It simply has no meaning to Protestants, and almost all of them misunderstand why catholics pray to Mary. Send her an easy to read book about the life of a Saint who lived BEFORE the Reformation.

There is nothing divisive here. There was no division in the faith at that time. It is common history shared by all Christians. If chosen well, you can connect her with some of the rich history and tradition of the church with which she is probably completely unaware. At a later date, once you are closer to her, you can explain to her how and why we pray to the Saints, and she will have at least one Saint whom she feels she knows well. If there is a pre-Reformation Saint who is particularly meaningful to you, that is an obvious choice for which story to send her.

My second suggestion is to pray and meditate on the reality that there is no competition here. Your SIL does in fact worship the same God as you. She believes all the key tenants of the faith. She simply does not know that there is more she could be learning. So don’t worry about her influence on your children. Be grateful that she demonstrates an enthusiasm for her faith. She can only be a good influence on them. Pray about this until it permeates every thought you have about her.

In fact, this enthusiasm is the main thing that Protestantism has going for it. On the whole, they do know how to get people more excited about their faith in God than the average catholic is. It sounds like you would do well to emulate your SIL in this respect. If you live near her, or see her often enough, you should try to do more things with her.

Attend special events at her church with your children. Attend prayer meetings with her. Invite her to similar meetings you attend. Think of her as a team member who forgot her uniform at home.

What you will find is that you will each build the other’s faith. She will help you loosen up a bit, and may even have ideas to get your husband talking. And plenty of opportunities will come up for you to first demonstrate how much the faiths have in common, and then to demonstrate how much deeper the catholic faith goes.These will build up in her mind, and change her perspective over time, and hopefully lead her into the fullness of the catholic faith.

But don’t be in any rush. Just live your faith, and thank God for giving you a SIL whose faith in Him is also strong. Even if she remains Protestant, only good can come of all of this.

And the only possible hinderance I can see is if she has a strong prejudice against the catholic church already. But if she does, I suspect you would know about it already. If you run into resistance you don’t understand, just come back here and several of us can help you “decode” the Protestant mindset.

Really liked what you had to say. Basically, keep it simple and be a good Catholic. One suggestion I might add is to choose a “Saint” that might be more relevant to the SIL (maybe a patron saint of her profession, or one who shares the same strengths as the SIL)

God Bless you.