Question about a tradgedy

[hockeyfan]

I think this would be the forum to ask this. Please move it if I am posting in the wrong place.

There is something that has been bothering me for a while. I had a friend, Mike (name changed) since the 7th grade. (I am 28 now, do the math if you want) We were very good friends in school, though we kind of grew apart after high school.(Never completely out of contact) Anyhow, around 2007, I meet a woman through work who had a huge crush on me. (One could say she was even a stalker. She would show up at my home at unusual times) I was never interested in a relationship in her, even though she would sometimes try to kiss me after work, or talk about what it would be like if we were to date/marry, things like that.

Anyhow, through my facebook, unknown to me, she meet my friend Mike who was living about 4 hours up north of me, and they started talking. Eventually he moved back into our area (neither of us were working at that job anymore) and she initiated a dating relationship. I didn’t tell him about the true nature of our past. Hindsight is 20/20, now I wouldn’t do that but some of the toughest lessons we learn in life come from our mistakes. At the time he seemed happy and I didn’t want to hurt our relationship. As their dating went along, she kept driving Mike farther from me, though I could usually call him for car advise and other things like that. A lot of times I would get angry calls from his girlfriend and we would end up in hard fights. It strained my relationship with Mike and he mostly knew her side of the situation.

Last September their was an accident, and Mike died. It had upset me because of the nature of my relationship with him and his girlfriend. In fact, not that the girlfriend did anything to hurt Mike the context of how the accident happened because they knew each other. First I feel guilty sometimes because their common knowledge of me caused them to meet. I know that is irrational, but I still feel that way. Also, about two months ago, I spoke to his girlfriend and she told me that a few days before he died he told her that he was angry at me for things I told her. (I would have said some things differently in retrospect to her. That being said, I had some valid things to be angry at her about at the time. Still do) I know Mike only had her side of the story but what she said rings true to me.

Is she right to have said that. It hurts me deeply to know that Mike felt that way about me in the end. Am I wrong? Should I have let Mike and his girlfriend be? I don’t know, his first birthday after he died was the other day and I haven’t been able to get this off my mind. I don’t feel very comfortable talking to this in any way but anonymously. Thank you for reading this.

 

[mymamamary]

Hello hockeyfan!! GOD BLESS!

I in my opinion, I can understand, it is a very tiwsted situation (if i may say). My advice to you, is to first of all, Go to Confession, above all, if you remember any seroius thing you may have said, done or thought, (if you havent already confessed it of course!), then i would go to the girlfriend, and with charity, ask her why she slandered you in such a way. i would TRY to talk over the situation, and ask her why she acted so, also tell her that you respect and love her mutually, but she just isnt meant for you. Then after all of this, i would go home, and Pray, Pray a Rosary to our Lady, for the soul of your friend, for that woman, and for yourself that you may be guided and enlightend as to how you could better resolve this past conflict. After all of this, i would try to be at peace, as you have done what you can to the maximum of your ability. :console:

p.s., Pray for the repose of the soul of your friend,!, then maybe the guilt will dissapear!!:byzsoc:

 

[Bix]

I’m sorry for your loss.

I understand why you might feel guilty, but as you know this event had nothing to do with you. . . Please attempt to put those thoughts away.

Honestly, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. Right now, you’re mourning the loss of a friend. You will have many different emotions. Try and focus on your happy memories.

Hopefully, someone better versed than I am can reply to your questions.

I will keep you in my prayers.

God bless you~

 

[Leegal]

However Mike may have felt before he died, whatever he was told, he knows the truth now. I’m not being facetious and I am truly sorry that you could not reconcile this before his death, but things happen in this life that no longer can hurt or affect Mike in the next. I’m sure there’s no anger on his part. You should be comforted by that. You should pray for Mike.

You did the right thing, not wanting to interfere in his relationship with the woman. You don’t know that it would have made a difference if he knew how she had previously pursued you. The only mistake you made, and this is only my opinion, was having angry conversations with her, knowing her as you did. You may want to talk to a priest about that.

I would advise no contact with the woman. I think that any more contact with her will not be fruitful and may send her a wrong message. You have Mike in common – I don’t think that was some accident of Facebook.

 

[hockeyfan]

Go to Confession, above all, if you remember any seroius thing you may have said, done or thought, (if you havent already confessed it of course!),

I said some unfortunate things, and harsh. I think on the most part, I was guilty of the sin of wrath. They were generally true, though that doesn’t always mean it should be said.

then i would go to the girlfriend, and with charity, ask her why she slandered you in such a way. i would TRY to talk over the situation, and ask her why she acted so, also tell her that you respect and love her mutually, but she just isnt meant for you.

She has no direct answer to that question. (I have asked) She refuses to talk about it. There was a private chat she initiated two days ago, where I tried to do what you said there. (about talking about it privately) Here is a copy and paste of what she said.
"the girlfriend:

Just because you think that we need to talk does not mean that it is true. There are things that I will discuss with you and there are things that do not matter and I will not discuss them.

Then after all of this, i would go home, and Pray, Pray a Rosary to our Lady, for the soul of your friend, for that woman, and for yourself that you may be guided and enlightend as to how you could better resolve this past conflict. After all of this, i would try to be at peace, as you have done what you can to the maximum of your ability. :console:

p.s., Pray for the repose of the soul of your friend,!, then maybe the guilt will dissapear!!:byzsoc:

I pray for Mike every day. I sometimes do the Rosary for him, but I always pray for him. It does help but healing can sometimes take time.

However Mike may have felt before he died, whatever he was told, he knows the truth now. I’m not being facetious and I am truly sorry that you could not reconcile this before his death, but things happen in this life that no longer can hurt or affect Mike in the next. I’m sure there’s no anger on his part. You should be comforted by that. You should pray for Mike.

You did the right thing, not wanting to interfere in his relationship with the woman. You don’t know that it would have made a difference if he knew how she had previously pursued you. The only mistake you made, and this is only my opinion, was having angry conversations with her, knowing her as you did. You may want to talk to a priest about that.

I would advise no contact with the woman. I think that any more contact with her will not be fruitful and may send her a wrong message. You have Mike in common – I don’t think that was some accident of Facebook.

Your point about how Mike feels now certainly helps. I didn’t think about it but it seems so logical. Thanks! I just needed to hear that. I know I am imperfect but I don’t deserve that.

Btw, I don’t think her meeting Mike was an accident either. She knew what she was doing.

Oh, I almost forgot to thank Bix for the post too. It also helps. I am trying to remember the good memories.

 

[Polycarp1]

Friends and family members disagree all the time. I wouldn’t linger on things said in the heat of the moment. Friendship and love runs much deeper than that. Ask yourself this if the chips were down would you have been there for Mike? I know you would have and I suspect he knew it too.

 

[underacloud]

However Mike may have felt before he died, whatever he was told, he knows the truth now. I’m not being facetious and I am truly sorry that you could not reconcile this before his death, but things happen in this life that no longer can hurt or affect Mike in the next. I’m sure there’s no anger on his part. You should be comforted by that. You should pray for Mike.

You did the right thing, not wanting to interfere in his relationship with the woman. You don’t know that it would have made a difference if he knew how she had previously pursued you. The only mistake you made, and this is only my opinion, was having angry conversations with her, knowing her as you did. You may want to talk to a priest about that.

I would advise no contact with the woman. I think that any more contact with her will not be fruitful and may send her a wrong message. You have Mike in common – I don’t think that was some accident of Facebook.

Well said, I completely agree.

hockeyfan, you said that “It hurts me deeply to know that Mike felt that way about me in the end”. But it is not the end. It is common for us to have concern for how loved ones viewed us “in the end”, but as Leegal points out, this isn’t the right way to view things. Pray for Mike now, and offer him and any hurts between you, and between you and the girl, to Christ’s love and mercy.