question about sexual morality

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I am having a difficult time in my life right now. I was married for 14 years, but have been divorced for the past 10. (The divorce stemmed from his drug use, and the fact that he contracted syphillis). My question is: As a formerly married person, who was used to marital intimacy, how do I consign myself to never having that again?

I know that sex outside marriage is wrong, but this weekend I just kept asking “why?” and “what is it going to hurt?”. My heart knows the answer, but my head just isn’t listening!! JP
 
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jpowers:
I am having a difficult time in my life right now. I was married for 14 years, but have been divorced for the past 10. (The divorce stemmed from his drug use, and the fact that he contracted syphillis). My question is: As a formerly married person, who was used to marital intimacy, how do I consign myself to never having that again?

I know that sex outside marriage is wrong, but this weekend I just kept asking “why?” and “what is it going to hurt?”. My heart knows the answer, but my head just isn’t listening!! JP
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JP

A few questions. If you have been divorced for 10 years, how have you been living a chaste life then? Is there no possible chance for a reconciliation? If no, why not seek an annulment and possibly move on with your life?

My suggestions would be prayer and mass. I would focus my prayer on the Blessed Mother. Praying the rosary would be your strongest defense against this temptation from the devil.
 
Many of today’s generation can sympathize with your situation since a large about of my contemporaries have been over-sexed since high school or even mid-school. When they have a conversion they have to give up this familiarity with sexual relations and it is hard. However, what I can tell you is that the temptation is an opportunity for you to turn to God in prayer. Each time you feel the temptation to sin turn to prayer no matter where you are - at work, at a club, at church. You now have an opportunity to unite your suffering to the suffering of Christ on the Cross for the sake of souls - and your own.

I also suggest seeking an annulment if it is possible. However as with all annulments there is no guarantee.
 
Until I started attending a Catholic Church and then joined the Church last Easter, I didn’t see anything wrong with having a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. I have only been battling this since my conversion. I have started the paper work for an annulment, but as you stated, there is no guarantee. I no longer have a “boyfriend” per se, we are just friends, and no sex.
 
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jpowers:
Until I started attending a Catholic Church and then joined the Church last Easter, I didn’t see anything wrong with having a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. I have only been battling this since my conversion. I have started the paper work for an annulment, but as you stated, there is no guarantee. I no longer have a “boyfriend” per se, we are just friends, and no sex.
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As Paul boasted this should be a point that you can boast about. Christ has already given you the strength to fight this one aspect of sexual vice. Now rely on him to help you fight the rest. There are two prayers derived from scripture that I use to help me:

Jesus I trust in you

and

Incline my heart, O God, according to Thy Will.

At times you will stretch your heart to God for help with purity in tears and you may still fall but remember that the lesson that Christ gives us in the Via Dolorosa is that even though you may fall while carrying your cross you have to get up and keep moving.

I was in confession with Fr. Andrew Apostoli one time and he gave me counsel that I share with everyone I meet who is struggling with attachment to sin. He said that the road to heaven is like a highway and committing a sin is like taking the wrong exit. Sometimes we drive down that road, the wrong way for some time. Conversion is the realization that you are on the wrong road and so you have to get back on the main highway. The problem is that now you have to turn around on that same road that you just traveled to get back to the highway. So, sometimes God will allow us to experience the trials of that road again until we find ourselves on the right road once again. Keep driving to the highway and God will fill your tank.
 
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jpowers:
Until I started attending a Catholic Church and then joined the Church last Easter, I didn’t see anything wrong with having a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. I have only been battling this since my conversion. I have started the paper work for an annulment, but as you stated, there is no guarantee. I no longer have a “boyfriend” per se, we are just friends, and no sex.
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My prayers are with you during this difficult time. What an incredible witness to the gift of abstinence! Keep offering it up for others in a similar situation. Trust God. If you are in a valid marriage that is irreconcilable then God will pour down blessings on you for honoring it. If you are not in a valid marriage, then this period of abstinence is purifying you for a possible valid marriage in your future.

The annulment process can be so healing. Since the Church has the authority to determine a valid marriage, it is nice to just “know” where you stand.
 
I just went though alot of what you are talking about and it is frustrating but as I used to tell myself over and over…nobody ever died from lack of sex. I was married for 13 yrs, divorced for 8 and my marriage was annuled and I recently remarried. My husband and I, although tempted many times, did not feel that we should engage in sexual relations outside of marriage, so we waited.
We are so glad we waited. Our wedding night was a very special time for us. Just tell yourself…Nobody ever died from lack of sex…
 
Just a comment, dunno if it will help.

I find that for me, when I have temptations that are painfully strong, I try not to view it as a part of me that’s dissenting against my will that I have to fight against, and as suffering, offer it up to God. Rather, I recognize what it is I’m longing for (some sort of intimacy with my ex or something like that), and let myself view the feeling as my body in prayer.

In other words, I don’t see my body as wanting to do things inappropriate with a girl. Rather, I see it as my body and soul have become aware of a sudden need to pray for the girl, which my soul and body are screaming out to God for, but my mind is unaware, other then these strange thoughts or urgings. When I become aware of it as being my body praying, I unite my mind to it (not in words, just experiencing it as a prayer), and giving myself over to God, joyfully listening to how strong a prayer is being offered through me, without me even willing it.

There’s a subtle difference ther: Rather then it being a pain that I offer as a sacrifice, it is in and of itself a vocal prayer being offered. How badly do those we pray for in this manner need our prayer! And how purely are we able to offer this prayer, when experiencing it, we do not allow our minds to become distracted by entertaining lustful thoughts, but letting them wash by.

Josh
 
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mosher:
I also suggest seeking an annulment if it is possible. However as with all annulments there is no guarantee.
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However if one party contracted a venerial disease this would heavily imply adultry. Doesn’t adultry cary with it a pretty good case for annulment?
 
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Mijoy2:
However if one party contracted a venerial disease this would heavily imply adultry. Doesn’t adultry cary with it a pretty good case for annulment?
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No, adultary in and of itself is not proof of an invalid marriage. However, it is grounds for an investigation.
 
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