Question about spiritual director

[LynnM74]

What does it mean when your spiritual director, a priest, forgets that you have an appointment with him (more than once), closes his eyes when talking to you, and takes several days to return your calls/emails when trying to reschedule an appointment? Does it mean he wants you to go away?

I asked him if he was too busy to continue to meet, but he said that it was just hard to get a hold of him. So I don’t know what to think. Plus I have to consider the fact that he gave me a book to read that he said he thought I would like, but it turned out to be written by an errant theologian - and it was the worst thing I’ve ever read in my whole life…

 

[Tis_Bearself]

The priest sounds like he’s overworked and tired.

As for the book, you might ask him specifically why he thought you would like it and also, what he liked about it, that he would recommend. He may be seeing something in it that you didn’t notice. On the other hand, if you go in there saying, “Father, why did you recommend this horrible book written by an errant theologian, it is the worst thing I ever read” that’s not going to get any meeting or spiritual director relationship off to a good start.

It may be if these issues continue to go on that you would have to seek another spiritual director, but I would give the man a chance first and only change as a last resort. How did you get him for your director? Did you approach him or was he assigned to do it?

 

[LynnM74]

I asked him about a year ago if he could provide spiritual direction.

I do know why he likes the book and why he recommended it, and we discussed what I didn’t like about it.

I’m just wondering if all the things I’ve observed in my first post might indicate that he really isn’t all that willing or able to offer direction.

 

[Joe_5859]

I wouldn’t necessarily take it personally. I know lots of priests that are difficult to get ahold of. I work in a parish and I often have trouble getting ahold of a priest. They have lots and lots of things vying for their time and attention. Their schedules can be quite full. And, as with all of us, some priests are more forgetful than others. It’s reasonable to expect that appointments be kept, but I also understand how things fall off the radar.

I also wouldn’t necessarily think anything of the closing the eyes. It could be that he’s tired, or it could just be the way he listens intently. I had a professor in college that everyone swore was sleeping through everyone’s class presentation. But he was not. He was just listening with his head bowed and his eyes closed. And we could tell he was listening because he would ask questions that made it clear he heard the presentation even though it looked like he was dozing off.

I would presume that if the priest really was not able to offer spiritual direction that he would just tell you that.

 

[Joe_5859]

How do I post a new thread? Thanks in advance.

Find the appropriate forum for the topic of the thread, then click on the “new thread” button in the upper left side (above where all the threads are, but below the main menu of the forum).

 

[robertmidwest]

What does it mean when your spiritual director, a priest, forgets that you have an appointment with him (more than once), closes his eyes when talking to you, and takes several days to return your calls/emails when trying to reschedule an appointment? Does it mean he wants you to go away?

I asked him if he was too busy to continue to meet, but he said that it was just hard to get a hold of him. So I don’t know what to think. Plus I have to consider the fact that he gave me a book to read that he said he thought I would like, but it turned out to be written by an errant theologian - and it was the worst thing I’ve ever read in my whole life…

How old is this priest? How is his health? What are his other duties? There is lots of info missing.

Also, to me, it looks like you have already made up your mind about him. You have given some info about him. All of it puts him in a negative light. He doesn’t live up to your standards of what a priest should be.

If you don’t approve of him just move on to another that you like and spare everyone the drama.

 

[LynnM74]

I wouldn’t necessarily take it personally. I know lots of priests that are difficult to get ahold of.

I also wouldn’t necessarily think anything of the closing the eyes. It could be that he’s tired, or it could just be the way he listens intently.
.

He wasn’t closing his eyes while listening, he was closing them while speaking to me. To me that sends the message “I don’t care to engage you in conversation, I’m just going to monologue now.”

He wasn’t hard to get a hold of earlier or for other reasons. But when I wanted to re-schedule a meeting, it was like pulling teeth. And I found it strange that he would sometimes forget our meetings, which were his first appointments of the day. But maybe that’s just the way he is. Any maybe I’m making too much of it, but I’ve never been treated like that in the professional realm.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

How old is this priest? How is his health? What are his other duties? There is lots of info missing.

Also, to me, it looks like you have already made up your mind about him. You have given some info about him. All of it puts him in a negative light. He doesn’t live up to your standards of what a priest should be.

If you don’t approve of him just move on to another that you like and spare everyone the drama.

I agree that there isn’t enough info provided for any of us to answer the question “what does it mean when __________?” There are far too many variables. I hasten to add that I don’t wish to see more detail posted about this - such situations should not be dealt with in public by strangers. However, these concerns are not necessarily “drama.” Spiritual direction relationships do not always go smoothly, and it can be difficult to know if one should persevere or move on. This uncertainty can be quite distressing.

Having had doubts about such a relationship (for different reasons than those stated by the OP), I spoke about it with the director himself, then, over time, with two other people who did not know my SD (in order to avoid influencing existing relationships): a priest outside my home archdiocese who is also an SD, and the guide I had for an IGR in another country. Ultimately, I severed the arrangement.

This process took nearly a year. I was adamant about not rushing it in order to be reasonably confident that whatever action taken would be for the best. In the meantime, I continued to regularly set and go to my appointments, and to sincerely consider what my SD said during them.

My advice for the OP:

• Talk to your SD about your concerns. If you feel you cannot, ask yourself why. The ability to be honest about anything and everything is essential in spiritual direction. If one feels inhibited, consider the possibility that your SD may not be a good fit for you.
• If you continue to have doubts and don’t know how to proceed, seek the counsel of at least one trusted neutral third party, someone you know personally and who is in a position to authoritatively comment (such as another experienced SD), about the matter…in private, and in person if possible.
• Give yourself time to reflect and pray about the matter before taking any action.

Know that I am praying for you and your SD. God bless.

 

[LynnM74]

Thank you for your reply, UpUpAndAway. It was helpful. I’m new to spiritual direction, and it is quite distressing when you don’t seem to be treated with common courtesy by your director, no matter what variables are involved.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

The ideal would be treatment with common courtesy by everyone, no matter what factors are at play. Alas, we are all struggling sinners. Even spiritual directors have difficult periods in their lives. This doesn’t mean we have to put up with all transgressions, but it also doesn’t mean that such behavior signifies in all instances a desire on the part of the director to be rid of the person (s)he’s directing.

I recommend praying for your SD, even if you eventually choose to seek another. We could all use more prayer, right?