Question for homeschool moms

[leonie]

Lately, it seems like a lot of homeschooling families I know are switching to brick and mortar schools. Plus, the socializing we used to do when my older kids were little isn’t happening very much. I have been inviting other kids over to play, but often the other families are too busy with martial arts, dance, sports, etc. to visit. And, when they do, we don’t get reciprocal invitations. My kids and I are really missing friend time. We don’t live in a neighborhood per se so we have to import friends.

I wonder if my kids are just disliked and no one wants to tell me. The last three summers I have set up park days, but people rarely come.

With my first four kids, we had multiple playdates a week. We had a weekly rosary group that had five to eight families come. We had a little Flowers group and all the moms would bring stay and help then chat. We had a in the country little league we all joined together and let our kids run around most nights in the summer. I had a moms study group and we would meet most weeks to learn and counsel each other. We were so busy but so full of wonderful community, it was worth it.

I am losing heart. My kids seem lonely. I am lonely. School is starting to look more attractive.

Is anyone else experiencing this?

I

 

[Hopey]

Our local group has lulls in it. We went about 3 years doing hardly anything as other moms were unable to make it to the group. We are starting back up as we have more younger families joining and also park dates, etc.
It is hard to see kids without friends to play with. Sending them to school will not guarantee they will have friends, etc.
Are you making sure they are doing things in the parish so they can make friends there and maybe invite one over?
We did go through a time as you are experiencing. Public schools were not an option for us.

 

[Xantippe]

I wonder if my kids are just disliked and no one wants to tell me. The last three summers I have set up park days, but people rarely come.

I

Some kids just aren’t interested in the park past a certain age (my 11-year-old is there), which may be part of the problem. Are there some more interesting venues (children’s museum or water park?) that do a homeschooler’s day? (Our local water park does a homeschool day with cheap tickets.)

If you guys had a great social life up to now, I would think that it’s a developmental thing. It’s very natural for kids to get busier as they get older. They may also just be interested in hanging out with kids who share their particular interests, rather than just plain old kids. Children often get way pickier about socializing as they get older.

I wouldn’t worry about lack of reciprocation–social niceties can fly out the window when mothers are overwhelmed. Also, your family size may be daunting to smaller families, if your family is big.

Summer camps (especially for the older kids) might be a good compromise, if you have funds.

I think I’d also work on your social life separately from your kids’ social life at this point. It may be time for you to join a book club or choir or something like that. (I’m arriving at that point myself.)

Best wishes!

 

[Cat]

Some kids just aren’t interested in the park past a certain age (my 11-year-old is there), which may be part of the problem. Are there some more interesting venues (children’s museum or water park?) that do a homeschooler’s day? (Our local water park does a homeschool day with cheap tickets.)

If you guys had a great social life up to now, I would think that it’s a developmental thing. It’s very natural for kids to get busier as they get older. They may also just be interested in hanging out with kids who share their particular interests, rather than just plain old kids. Children often get way pickier about socializing as they get older.

I wouldn’t worry about lack of reciprocation–social niceties can fly out the window when mothers are overwhelmed. Also, your family size may be daunting to smaller families, if your family is big.

Summer camps (especially for the older kids) might be a good compromise, if you have funds.

I think I’d also work on your social life separately from your kids’ social life at this point. It may be time for you to join a book club or choir or something like that. (I’m arriving at that point myself.)

Best wishes!

Very wise post. I agree with everything here.

I have raised two daughters (now 28 and 31). When they were young, we were involved in many activities and did a lot of “play dates” with other families.

As they got older, they narrowed down their activities to a few choices (mainly figure skating), and spent much of their time outside of school (we chose a private school) involved in these activities and socializing with others in those activities. We honestly didn’t have the time for much of anything else. Some activities (like figure skating) take up a lot of hours just to learn to be competent, and once we started commuting into the nearby Big City for the elite synchronized skating team, we simply were not ever home!

Also, do a little detective work. See if you can learn (without gossiping or prying) if any of the families you’ve been friends with in the past have fallen upon difficult times. Perhaps illness, unemployment, marital conflicts, etc. have made it overwhelming for these families to be involved with your family. Perhaps they haven’t shared their woes with you because they are so overwhelmed and don’t want to bother anyone. So maybe your family can help them out. Those families might be very grateful to you and your children for stepping up.

 

[fencersmother]

I homeschooled our 4 children, now in their 20s. As stated above, while they were of elementary and junior high school ages, we had a weekly meeting with a larger homeschool community (all Catholics, which included mass & confession!), and a bi-weekly meeting of mixed religions homeschool group for sports, musics, etc.

By the time they reached high school age, their friends, social life, and enrichment became specialized and therefore somewhat limited. The time spent with others was probably more than in their younger years, but the variety of other people was probably (and naturally) somewhat restricted. And, this restriction was split between other Catholic (and non-Catholic) homeschoolers, and local kids who attended local schools.

I think that discrimination is natural in brick and mortar schools too. Yes, you may sit next to Joey or Ella in English class, but you “hang out” with Bobby and Laura at night, at sporting events, etc.

One of the best things about homeschooling in general is that homeschooled kids do have a more varied pool of people with whom to form friendships. When a child spends 8 hours a day in school, then two or three hours in after school activities, with the same kids, who are the same age, from the same neighborhood, it’s not as likely that they will form friendships with children from other school districts, other ethnic backgrounds, other age groups.

“But what about socialization?” is the hue and cry of all those who buy that old NEA mantra. Really, do you WANT your child to be socialized by his school mates?

 

[Xantippe]

By the way, I like “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Getting Your Groove Back,” for dealing with the problems of the mom of school age children who looks around and finds she doesn’t have much of a life left and her old friends are all busy. It’s aimed at mothers whose youngest kids are 4+, but I think a lot of the advice applies to anybody with school age children. The key insight is that having school age children is quite distinct from having little kids. That’s not exactly your situation, but I think you’ll appreciate the book. I’ve read it so many times that I wore out my first copy and had to buy a second one.

 

[leonie]

Well, my older kids are 21, 19, 17, 14

But, I’m looking for friends for my 12, 9. 5 and 2 year olds (I also have a 2 month old).

It’s true that the moms of kids my younger set’s ages are also younger, so maybe they just don’t want to hang out with an older mom? (I’m 44).

Or, maybe it’s a generational thing? Younger moms don’t get out as much? This younger crowd does seem over scheduled. We do little league, 4-H, Church groups, little flowers. Some of the families do that and martial arts lessons, dance, drawing lessons, theater, etc.

In any case, I can’t homeschool if my kids don’t have friends. Maybe some can do it, but I can’t.

 

[leonie]

I homeschooled our 4 children, now in their 20s. As stated above, while they were of elementary and junior high school ages, we had a weekly meeting with a larger homeschool community (all Catholics, which included mass & confession!), and a bi-weekly meeting of mixed religions homeschool group for sports, musics, etc.

By the time they reached high school age, their friends, social life, and enrichment became specialized and therefore somewhat limited. The time spent with others was probably more than in their younger years, but the variety of other people was probably (and naturally) somewhat restricted. And, this restriction was split between other Catholic (and non-Catholic) homeschoolers, and local kids who attended local schools.

I think that discrimination is natural in brick and mortar schools too. Yes, you may sit next to Joey or Ella in English class, but you “hang out” with Bobby and Laura at night, at sporting events, etc.

One of the best things about homeschooling in general is that homeschooled kids do have a more varied pool of people with whom to form friendships. When a child spends 8 hours a day in school, then two or three hours in after school activities, with the same kids, who are the same age, from the same neighborhood, it’s not as likely that they will form friendships with children from other school districts, other ethnic backgrounds, other age groups.

“But what about socialization?” is the hue and cry of all those who buy that old NEA mantra. Really, do you WANT your child to be socialized by his school mates?

I’m not really worried about my kids being socialized. I think my kids are learning social skills just fine. But, I’m worried about them being lonely.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, my older kids are 21, 19, 17, 14

But, I’m looking for friends for my 12, 9. 5 and 2 year olds (I also have a 2 month old).

It’s true that the moms of kids my younger set’s ages are also younger, so maybe they just don’t want to hang out with an older mom? (I’m 44).

Or, maybe it’s a generational thing? Younger moms don’t get out as much? This younger crowd does seem over scheduled. We do little league, 4-H, Church groups, little flowers. Some of the families do that and martial arts lessons, dance, drawing lessons, theater, etc.

In any case, I can’t homeschool if my kids don’t have friends. Maybe some can do it, but I can’t.

I’m sure it is a self-fulfilling prophecy–there aren’t any kids available to play, so we’ll do more activities, which means there will be even fewer kids available just to play. Non-homeschooling families suffer from that one as badly or worse, because there are fewer hours to work with.

I think it partly is a generational thing. My closest friends are mostly mothers of smaller children, and here’s my observations on the socializing style–there tend to be a lot more last minute texts like this: “We’re heading to the zoo right now–can you join us?” rather than long-term planning (“We’re planning to be at the zoo Friday at 10”.) The idea is that you join the party if you can this time, and if you can’t, it’s fine. The younger generation (and that’s in behavior, not just calendar age) is VERY spontaenous or (if you dislike the behavior) flaky.

If you’re not a big Facebook person, that’s probably also a factor in not hearing about events as they get cooked up. I consciously don’t do Facebook (because I value my and my family’s privacy and I see people getting into a lot of stupid fights or losing respect for people when their political and religious views are visible 24/7), so I do wind up missing out on a lot of stuff, but I currently find it’s worth the price.

I’ve also noticed that it’s HARD to get large families to commit to social events, because they’ve got so much going on. While we are friendly with a number of families larger than ourselves, I’ve had very poor lucking arranging family outings with them. So, even if that’s not true of you and your family, people may make assumptions.

This has all been my experience as a private school parent who puts kids into a lot of camps and activities, at least during the summer.

So, all in all, I think that going to school would probably provide your big middle kids with companionship of some kind during school hours (especially if the school is well chosen–perhaps one where they know a number of kids already), but outside of school hours, I think you’re going to still be dealing with the same basic issues no matter what.

Best wishes!