Question for parents of "bench warmers"

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If your kid isn’t too good at sports, and if he really isn’t enjoying the sport he’s playing because the coach seldom puts him in, even though he goes to all the practices & games, would you let him quit, or would you insist that he persevere in order to “build character”?
 
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Aurelia:
If your kid isn’t too good at sports, and if he really isn’t enjoying the sport he’s playing because the coach seldom puts him in, even though he goes to all the practices & games, would you let him quit, or would you insist that he persevere in order to “build character”?
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Been on all three sides.

I would answer - it depends on age. I believe that sports before high school are developmental. I do not support not keeping score or this idea of everyone is a winner.

Children develop at different rates and a coaches job is to help a child develop a passion for the sport and to teach him fundamental skills so when he physically develops he can compete… If a child does not play he doesn’t get that chance.

When I grew up there was little parent involvement in our sandlot games. We learned to play, compete, pick teams. referee, solve issues and have fun. When we played in leagues this carried over.

Today everything seems parent centered. My boys teammates cried due to the expectations of their parents as well as umpires that were learning too.

Even though they played (not always starters) they quickly grew to hate the sport. Mostly due to parents, length of games, and coaches favorites. (usually their own kids)

I have never pushed them into sports letting them join what they wanted and not force my love of sports onto them.

I am not sure current children’s sports build good character.
 
I don’t have any scientific data to back my opinion…if my kid sat on the bench, didn’t like the sport, wasn’t very good at the sport and wanted to quit, I’d let my child quit and find something else to take this activity’s place. Seems character can be built in less painful ways than sitting on a bench and disliking the entire affair.

As a side note though, my child is in the fourth year of dance…initially, I didn’t think she was going to be good at it, she didn’t seem to really like it, but we persevered that first year, and then the second, and now I see her talent and she’s so excited the new year is starting (however, if she had wanted out in that first year, I’d have probably not taken her anymore).

Penitent
 
I’d would make him finish out the season and then leave the sport behind. He made a committment and some view sports as a “microcosm” of the world.

We speak here often of the committment of marriage and so forth so if he made a committment to the team, just finish out the season. His obligation then ends.

I wouldn’t make him go back again and yes, I wouild discourage sports where the coaches want an army of benchwarmers. I never understood that (esp. football where injuries abound). In hockey, at least they rotate the tired players off the ice and everyone gets a chance to play. Baseball and football are different.

If they aren’t that good at team sports, I would track them into individual sports like running, swimming, skiing, etc.
 
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I’d would make him finish out the season and then leave the sport behind. He made a committment and some view sports as a “microcosm” of the world.

We speak here often of the committment of marriage and so forth so if he made a committment to the team, just finish out the season. His obligation then ends.

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I agree. It is never too early to learn that we all have to do things in life that we don’t want to or don’t enjoy. It seems that parents who rescue their children from unpleasant experiences and only let them do the things they want to end up creating little monsters, lol.

I think you have been presented with a great opportunity to teach your child numerous virtues that will help later on in life.

If you decide to make him honor his commitment and finish out the season, I think it is important to make the best of it.

I doubt he will learn much if he is encouraged to complain about it etc.

Instead, find ways for him to contribute to the team without actually playing. Teach him to always compliment the person who did well (that includes the kids who tried really hard as well as the ones who scored). He can still enjoy being there and the others can enjoy his presence.

I bet there are kids on the team who envy him sitting on the bench… especially when they have a parent screaming at them to do better and only focus on winning.

Use this experience for all it’s worth.

Malia
 
Not all kids who sit on the bench want to quit the team. My oldest son is just not sports talented. He asked to play on a baseball team and spent almost the whole season on the bench. That was fine with him. He liked belonging to the team.

As far as quiting the team…Not all kids are on teams because they asked to participate in sports. Sometimes parents put their children in a sports in order to expose them to the activity. If this is the case then the child is not breaking any comitments by being removed from the team.
 
I was a kid who wanted badly to make the basketball team in high school and I would’ve done about anything to just be bench-warmer. I was just as good as the other guys, but alas not big enough (short and really thin). But my parents never told me to give up and always encouraged me.

Many years later, during my senior year in college, I finally realized a higher dream than high school, which was playing as a semi-starter for Oxford University while abroad. I had grown since high school and I had not let go of the dream. Sometimes it takes a while to realize the fruits of hard work and effort.

If the kid doesn’t like the sport, well, that’s another story; but if he doesn’t like it BECAUSE he isn’t playing much, then he’s got to think about the meaning of teamwork.
 
Did he ask to be on the team, or did the parent take it upon herself to sign him up because she thought he would want it? In the case of the former, he should finish out his commitment to the team; in the case of the latter he should be free to quit if he wants.
 
I’ll agree it’s a fine balance to achieive.

My son didn’t make swim team his first year out. This year he made it. He was all of in second grade and his mother cried with joy and pride when he made it because the year before he was so hurt and dejected. He came home and wanted a party (which he asked to get dressed up for, bless his heart).

Out of all the parties we ever had for him, that was the most memorable - it was done on the spur - cake from Supermarket and some balloons - his grandparents came and a friend. We all sang, “Happy Swim Team to You.” LOL.

Now, if the coach had been of “Okay, everybody is on the team.” (which he is pressured to do) and all touchy-feel-goody about sports, then it wouldn’t have meant so much. That party would have never happened.

So, not making it was his first lesson in failure.

His next lesson was he can’t win every race, something he learned this year. He learned that he is a good freestyler and breastroker but a not so good butterflier and backstroker. He has a friend who excels at butterfly but comes in last on every other stroke.

Sports is an interesting world - if you think it is a story about sucesses, I really don’t think it is, since 99.9% of people in sports are “failures.” (quotes on purpose). You learn to deal with failure, how to channel negative parts of soul (aggression, anger, pride) into something positive.

Thanks for the interesting discussion. I hope it works out for you son and he is able to find a sport to do. I think it is important for guys to have some sport as they get older they enjoy for mental and physical health.
 
I have 4 children, and only one is still at home in high school. They all did sports and they all spent a certain amount of time on the bench. One of my girls in junior high spent a lot of time on the bench in basketball.

I had them stay on a team through the season, but never made them join again if they didn’t want to.

They all joined sports in h.s. and to this day some of their life long friends are those they met on the team.

I agree with the poster that says they can learn as much by the losses. All of my adult children participate in active things today and are in shape. They all finish what they begin. Does participation in sports help with this? I think so.
 
It depends on the age and the amount of misery. My son is only in third grade and wanted to quit baseball. He had asked to sign-up for it, so I said he had to stay in until the end of the season and not let his team down. There was no bench warming since the coach had everybody play. I would be very angry if there was bench warming in early elementary years where the game should be about learning skills.

My son also wanted to quit piano. He is very talented, but I got tired of arguments about practice. I finally let him take a few months off. He is now back with a new teacher and loving it.
 
My dad’s rule was that we had to play a sport – he left it up to us to decide what sport. I think this was a great rule, because I’d have never done anything athletic if I’d had my druthers. But as an adult, all that cross-country running I begrudgingly did in high school has helped me stave off obesity, and I actually enjoy running now.

But, really, I believe most youth-sports teams should have some kind of “everyone plays” policy. AYSO requires that each child be allowed to play at least three quarters, for example. When my children played baseball (which they didn’t like and are no longer playing), the league had a similar rule. I know some organizations are more competitive and more willing to bench kids, but I’d just hunt around for one that isn’t.

If your child is getting frustrated because he doesn’t play well, you might talk to the coach about things you can do to help him improve – clinics, etc. I believe that one of the best lessons of sports is that improvement takes effort, but that it is often worth it.
 
If the child wants to quit, let them quit. As a child, I was a bench warmer, and every weekend my family would come to see me sit on the bench during these games. The games took up every weekend, which meant less quality family time. It was a waste of time for the family to give up their weekends just so I could sit on a bench. They gave me the choice, and I quit. As a result, we spent more time doing activities as a family. My parents always taught me that commitment to God and to family was important, but commitment to things such as sports were not. As a result, I was allowed to make decisions about extracurricular activities, but I was not allowed to decide whether or not I wanted to attend church. Letting a child decide on something unimportant, such as sports, allows them the opportunity to learn good decision making. I believe today’s society puts far too much emphasis on sports and makes it out to be more important than it really is. In fact, I’ve known so many families (many from my own parish) that are so wrapped up in sports that they spend entire weekends attending tournaments and other sports functions, and because of that they miss church. The children in these families have been sent a message that the holy Mass takes a backseat to sports. In my opinion, this sort of message does not “build character” at all.
 
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