question for widows and widowers over 70

[rinnie]

Do you guys feel that after lets say a 3 year period that you do not want to be alone.

My Mom has been a widow now for 3 years. She had been having alot of trouble of late and finally admitted that she hates living alone.

I go in every Wed and spend the day with her. She said that is the high light of her life. She is not one to have friends etc.

She was a child of 7 then raised her sister took care of her Mom and then had 5 kids of her own. She has been with my Dad for over 57 years.

I told her that a high rise is not the ticked and living with me is not good either. Simply because she is not at the health state to NOT live alone.

I told her I would build her a small house right beside me so she can have her space and me mine, And I told her to rent her house for the time being IF we decide to do this, in care she wants to go home.

But my question is do any of you have this same problem.

The problem is you don’t want to live with your kids but you don’t be alone? And do you think this is just a phase or is it going to get worse?

For the moment we are leaving things as is, but if it does not get any better within the next 6 months to a year Mamma’s going to live with me, but yet live alone.

Your thoughts PLEASE!! Thanks.

 

[Waiting]

Do you guys feel that after lets say a 3 year period that you do not want to be alone.

My Mom has been a widow now for 3 years. She had been having alot of trouble of late and finally admitted that she hates living alone.

I go in every Wed and spend the day with her. She said that is the high light of her life. She is not one to have friends etc.

She was a child of 7 then raised her sister took care of her Mom and then had 5 kids of her own. She has been with my Dad for over 57 years.

I told her that a high rise is not the ticked and living with me is not good either. Simply because she is not at the health state to NOT live alone.

I told her I would build her a small house right beside me so she can have her space and me mine, And I told her to rent her house for the time being IF we decide to do this, in care she wants to go home.

But my question is do any of you have this same problem.

The problem is you don’t want to live with your kids but you don’t be alone? And do you think this is just a phase or is it going to get worse?

For the moment we are leaving things as is, but if it does not get any better within the next 6 months to a year Mamma’s going to live with me, but yet live alone.

Your thoughts PLEASE!! Thanks.

Has she ruled out a senior citizen’s complex where she can have her own quarters, yet be as close to others as she chooses, with meals supplied if she chooses? She would be close to medical help, if needed.

 

[sojo]

Not a widow over 70 but have a mother who is a widow of 92. She expressed great loneliness when my dad died after 62 years of happy marriage. Its been 9 years, and she reports no lessening of loneliness.

But, and get this, she got 2 marriage proposals last year! But she turned them down. She said she had already had her one and only and men were great for sex and she really still misses that (yup, this IS too much information from your 92 year old mother!), but that overall, men are just too high maintenance. But she still complains of loneliness.

So she is living in a senior residence now where she enjoys complaining about how she has to do for others half her age, dotes on her dog, and looks forward to either seeing my dad again after death (a small part of the time), or just looks forward to be done with the loneliness when she dies (she has always had a strong atheistic streak that comes and goes). In other words, she spends her time with other people and her little dog, and she sees my sister and her family about once a week, but she is STILL lonely.

All this is to say - everyone is different. We don’t all become alike just because we’ve aged. Best thing is to take mom out to a nice dinner and have a good long talk. You may be quite surprised to hear what she has to say.

 

[aicirt]

Mom remarried for second time at age 80. Best thing she ever did although she might not have always appreciated it.
Another friend married her third husband at 75. When he died 10 years later, she said he was the love of her life.
Another woman in her 60s and a widow is not interested in marrying again but does have a friend with whom she travels to Europe every year.
Eight-five year old widow also happy with her friend who sends her Valentines and takes her out on dates. She is not interested in marriage.
I consider all the above healthy in their assestments of what they now want from life.
On the flip side, are the women who cannot imagine themselves without a man and make absolutely terrible choices. One was drained dry by her third husband. There was no way the children could protect her from her bad choice.
Your Mom is still young and needs to stay active. Exercise class, beauty parlor, keep up with finances, keep up with cleaning, visits and entertaining once a week, Church, charity work, and learning a new skill should be things she need to demand of herself.

 

[rinnie]

Mom remarried for second time at age 80. Best thing she ever did although she might not have always appreciated it.
Another friend married her third husband at 75. When he died 10 years later, she said he was the love of her life.
Another woman in her 60s and a widow is not interested in marrying again but does have a friend with whom she travels to Europe every year.
Eight-five year old widow also happy with her friend who sends her Valentines and takes her out on dates. She is not interested in marriage.
I consider all the above healthy in their assestments of what they now want from life.
On the flip side, are the women who cannot imagine themselves without a man and make absolutely terrible choices. One was drained dry by her third husband. There was no way the children could protect her from her bad choice.
Your Mom is still young and needs to stay active. Exercise class, beauty parlor, keep up with finances, keep up with cleaning, visits and entertaining once a week, Church, charity work, and learning a new skill should be things she need to demand of herself.

I like this alot. I think what you said about finding something rather a new skill or an old is indeed something she should DEMAND of herself. I think the word demand is what she needs to hear.

She needs to be told that you HAVE to MAKE YOURSELF do something or you will continue to find yourself lost.

I am going to talk to her this week about maybe finding a job one day a week sitting with a older women. For 2 reasons she will make a small wage to pay for her gas, expenses like that. But it will also let her see how very lucky and healthy she is.

This could lead her to part time work, but on the flip side to nothing at all, just a reminder of how lucky she is and sometimes you need to see others suffer to thank God for your health.

 

[Claire_from_DE]

Has she ruled out a senior citizen’s complex where she can have her own quarters, yet be as close to others as she chooses, with meals supplied if she chooses? She would be close to medical help, if needed.

I second this one. My mom moved to a two bedroom apartment in a great one near her home in Baltimore several years after my father died. She gradually made many good friends and took part in a couple of the many activities, trips, classes, and volunteer opportunities that were available. Friends and family members could stay overnight in her apartment. She could take her daily meal in one of several dining rooms or as carry out. There was a Catholic church on the grounds with daily mass. The admittance price was basically what she received from her house when she sold it and was returned to her (in her case, her heirs) when she left. The fees were a little over $1000 monthly and included a daily meal and all utilities except telephone.

 

[rinnie]

I second this one. My mom moved to a two bedroom apartment in a great one near her home in Baltimore several years after my father died. She gradually made many good friends and took part in a couple of the many activities, trips, classes, and volunteer opportunities that were available. Friends and family members could stay overnight in her apartment. She could take her daily meal in one of several dining rooms or as carry out. There was a Catholic church on the grounds with daily mass. The admittance price was basically what she received from her house when she sold it and was returned to her (in her case, her heirs) when she left. The fees were a little over $1000 monthly and included a daily meal and all utilities except telephone.

This has got me thinking alot also. Thank-you. I am actually going to bring this up today. I can see now why they leave their homes. It is very difficult to be alone when you have been around people all of your life.

You guys showed me a very different twist these apartments. For some strange reason I saw them for people who could not afford their homes and a last alternative. Now I see them in a whole different light.

 

[puzzleannie]

Do youThe problem is you don’t want to live with your kids but you don’t be alone? And do you think this is just a phase or is it going to get worse?

.

two words
assisted
living

two more words

her life

two more words

her choice

 

[rinnie]

two words
assisted
living

two more words

her life

two more words

her choice

Hi Puzzleannie, I TOTALLY Agree. We actually talked about this all day yesterday. I told her as you said SHE has to make this choice.

She is preety set for the moment to build something beside me, but we both came to the conclusion for the moment we will do nothing.

She said all she knows she does not want to live in the big house any longer. She said it is for a family not one person.

She has over an acre to mow etc. So we have a busy month comming up, alot of company etc. so we are going to TAKE OUR TIME, at least wait untill next spring to make our move.

We are going to look at Assisted living, senoir apartments, regular apartments, condos, every single thing we can find.

THen make our decision early next year.

I also told her to come out and spend a day or 2 every other week for the summer to see if she feels this is what she would like also.

I work at home and told her for the next 5-10 years I will probally work and the way things are going I do not see my husband being able to retire before 57 or 60 so we will be here for the next ten years for sure.

The good side of her being here is I can work more or less when I want, and between customers we can have time together. Enough for her not to be lonely, but enough also that we don’t get on one anothers nerves.

So for the moment we will pray hard and I ask you all to pray for us that we make the right choice.

Thanks for all of your help.

 

[puzzleannie]

I guess I don’t understand the immediate leap from not wanting to be alone, to considering marriage, when you have not even mentioned she is considering it or has met a gentleman. If that is an unvoiced issue, it is still her choice and if it ever comes up she will probably ask how her children feel about it, but in no way should they get in her way about it. Second marriages in our age group seem to be extraordinarily successful from my experience.

If she does not have health issues that make it imperative she have oversight and care staff on call at all times, any senior citizen residence planned for her needs is an option (and much cheaper). My 90 year old MIL lives in such a residence since the death of her second husband and is very happy. It is directly across the street from her parish, but there is van transport there and any where else she wants to go daily. there is another building on the grounds that is assisted living if she should ever need it, and a third building is a nursing home. So if the time comes that is needed, there is no need to research and make an emergency decision.

 

[rinnie]

I guess I don’t understand the immediate leap from not wanting to be alone, to considering marriage, when you have not even mentioned she is considering it or has met a gentleman. If that is an unvoiced issue, it is still her choice and if it ever comes up she will probably ask how her children feel about it, but in no way should they get in her way about it. Second marriages in our age group seem to be extraordinarily successful from my experience.

If she does not have health issues that make it imperative she have oversight and care staff on call at all times, any senior citizen residence planned for her needs is an option (and much cheaper). My 90 year old MIL lives in such a residence since the death of her second husband and is very happy. It is directly across the street from her parish, but there is van transport there and any where else she wants to go daily. there is another building on the grounds that is assisted living if she should ever need it, and a third building is a nursing home. So if the time comes that is needed, there is no need to research and make an emergency decision.

I am not just saying this because she is my Mother I swear but she is beautiful. She is going to be 80 and I swear looks no older then 70 and aside from Blood Pressure as far as I know at the moment is very healthy.

Since my Dad died she has had 2 marriage proposals etc. But she was married to my Dad since she was 17 and said marriage is out of the question for her.

She will not even date. Every time a guy tries to even talk to her she says she has her kids and she is not interested, she said she is too old to get remarried at this point in her life.

She said there was one Man for her and now he is gone and she will see him again someday and thats it for her. I told her she should at least have dinner etc, and she said not at this point in her life.

She has not got over my Dad and I don’t think she ever will. I would LOVE to see her have someone else.

The only thing she does like to do is take trips to casino’s etc. So I figured if she lives beside me she can take a trip or so every couple weeks and visit my Sister in Florida etc.

If she rents her house and lives with me, we can build her a small house and it would give her App. 1800 extra a month to enjoy life a little.

I tell her she needs to go now because not to be ignorant she may not have the life she has now in a few years. And she should take the money and enjoy herself for the next 2 years at least.

She is contented to take a hundred dollars and sit at a penny machine once a week and have me take her out to dinner and fix up her house etc.

Its sad to say but I really believe she would be contented to hit the track once a week, go out to dinner once a week, if I build her a small place fix it up and watch TV. ANd if I would take a trip with her once or twice a year to vegas that is what she would love.

Between that and Church and her kids she would be contented. Not Happy, I know she would never be happy w/o my dad. But she would be as happy as she could be. And she is fun. My kids love her and she loves my Son and daughter.

They take her to the track once in awhile and have a blast. I know it may be wrong but thats all we got right now.

She calls the Track Theraphy But the track once a week, Church on Sunday, and out to dinner once a week she is contented.

When she is with me, my kids she is HAPPY! She really is! I go with her all day once a week and that is what is hard the rest of the week. She lives for the one day a week. My problem is my life is so busy now.

 

[Rocky]

This may seem too simple, but does your mother have a companion animal? (Dog, cat, bird) Having something to take care of and that responds to your presence with joy can help with loneliness.