Question on non-virgins and vocations

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mary_therese

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First of all, I truly haven’t discerned on which vocation I might be called to. My current boyfriend (who i truly owe a lot to for showing me the door to the Catholic Church) and I are both at odds, feeling that we are either to be called to marriage, or I to be a nun and him to be a priest. It is kind of a very odd situation.

But my real question is on being a non-virgin. I had been dedicated to being a virgin until marraige --until my first year of college, and then things went downhill. I lost any support in faith and strength, and eventually gave into someone when I knew it didnt feel right and truly wasnt. This all stopped when I met my best friend and current bf, he gave me the courage and support i need to fix the problem and stay away from it. Yet, I live with this regret and guilt everyday and do not know how I can redeem myself or be the gift of a bride to my future husband, let alone if I were to become a bride of Christ.

I big issue for me is that this Easter, since I have never been baptized (i come from a nondenominational- wait till they are older and decide for themselves- churches), I will be baptized, confirmed and recieve the Eucharist ( I am so nervous but so very happy!). I know that the Baptism washes away my sins, but I also know that I can never be a virgin again. This upsets me to my very core and I** don’t know where to look for support, or what lives of other people or saints to look at who have had this situation but have gone into either vocation**. Please help, this distresses me so much and I feel so unworthy of either direction!
 
mary_therese said:
First of all, I truly haven’t discerned on which vocation I might be called to. My current boyfriend (who i truly owe a lot to for showing me the door to the Catholic Church) and I are both at odds, feeling that we are either to be called to marriage, or I to be a nun and him to be a priest. It is kind of a very odd situation.

But my real question is on being a non-virgin. I had been dedicated to being a virgin until marraige --until my first year of college, and then things went downhill. I lost any support in faith and strength, and eventually gave into someone when I knew it didnt feel right and truly wasnt. This all stopped when I met my best friend and current bf, he gave me the courage and support i need to fix the problem and stay away from it. Yet, I live with this regret and guilt everyday and do not know how I can redeem myself or be the gift of a bride to my future husband, let alone if I were to become a bride of Christ.

I big issue for me is that this Easter, since I have never been baptized (i come from a nondenominational- wait till they are older and decide for themselves- churches), I will be baptized, confirmed and recieve the Eucharist ( I am so nervous but so very happy!). I know that the Baptism washes away my sins, but I also know that I can never be a virgin again. This upsets me to my very core and I** don’t know where to look for support, or what lives of other people or saints to look at who have had this situation but have gone into either vocation**. Please help, this distresses me so much and I feel so unworthy of either direction!
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St Augustine and St Margaret of Cortona are both good ones for you - both had multiple long-term and short-term lovers without benefit of marriage, both had children by those lovers as well! Augustine became, of course, Bishop of Hippo and a great theologian and Doctor of the Church. Margaret became a Third Order Franciscan (not a nun, I don’t think, but a serious religious vocation nonetheless).

Then there are numerous married women who became nuns upon their widowhood, so similarly not virgins, but every bit as worthy to be Brides of Christ as any virgin. I think the best known is St Rita of Cascia, but St Jane Frances de Chantal was also a widow.

And if they (and you 😃 ) are fit enough for Christ, which they and you are, then you’re certainly fit enough to be wife to any man!
 
click the link to Pure Love Club on the CA homepage for help with this issue, specifically secondary chastity, reestablishing the commitment to chastity and growing in the virtue.
 
Saint Augustine of Hippo is the patron saint of Brewers because of his conversion of his life of very sinful living to one of great faith. He completely turned his life around and is a doctor of the Church.
 
I have a friend who is with a new order of Sisters. She once lived with her boyfriend. She has been asked if she had been chaste and had to reply in the negative but it is not a detriment to the vocation for one can return to the wonderful state of grace after a good confession.

Ave Maria!
 
If God wants you in the religious life, you’ll be there.

When He forgives, He forgets.
 
Mary-Therese, first of all my heart goes out to you and the interior struggle you have been enduring. I was a postulant and novice in a contemplative Benedictine monastery for two years. Although I was a virgin at the time, a couple of us younger ones had some “experience” before they entered. The Abbess and Christ Himself accepted their vows.

As for marriage, I’m currently in the position of being a single mom with a rather embarassing – no, horrifying – history. During my many years away from the Church, I was seriously AWAY from the Church. Now I’m divorced (big surprise there, eh?), and soon to be annulled, and how am I ever going to tell a future husband (I do hope that is God’s will for me) about that horrible past?

Here’s what I do when my past comes flying into my face. I say to myself, “Thanks for sharing.” And then I get back to the business at hand.

Like you, I am Catholic and a beloved Child of God. And like you, I have a past I’m not proud of. But I can’t let myself get caught up in the sins of my past. If I keep dwelling on them and about how stupid I was and how horrible I feel about my losses, I’ll just get distracted from the work God created me to do in this life. Sometimes it is, quite honestly, easier to use my past as an excuse to not getting anything done in the present.

God has a plan for you. It’s why He put you on this earth at this moment in history. Listen and move forward.

And enjoy His many blessings in your life. None of us, even the virgins, deserves even the smallest of His blessings.

I will be praying for you.

Gert
 
mary_therese said:
First of all, I truly haven’t discerned on which vocation I might be called to. My current boyfriend (who i truly owe a lot to for showing me the door to the Catholic Church) and I are both at odds, feeling that we are either to be called to marriage, or I to be a nun and him to be a priest. It is kind of a very odd situation.

But my real question is on being a non-virgin. I had been dedicated to being a virgin until marraige --until my first year of college, and then things went downhill. I lost any support in faith and strength, and eventually gave into someone when I knew it didnt feel right and truly wasnt. This all stopped when I met my best friend and current bf, he gave me the courage and support i need to fix the problem and stay away from it. Yet, I live with this regret and guilt everyday and do not know how I can redeem myself or be the gift of a bride to my future husband, let alone if I were to become a bride of Christ.

I big issue for me is that this Easter, since I have never been baptized (i come from a nondenominational- wait till they are older and decide for themselves- churches), I will be baptized, confirmed and recieve the Eucharist ( I am so nervous but so very happy!). I know that the Baptism washes away my sins, but I also know that I can never be a virgin again. This upsets me to my very core and I** don’t know where to look for support, or what lives of other people or saints to look at who have had this situation but have gone into either vocation**. Please help, this distresses me so much and I feel so unworthy of either direction!
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You say your situation is odd, trust me it isn’t! At least not for me.

I too am going to soon be confirmed, thanks to my wonderful Catholic boyfriend. Also, sadly, I am not a virgin. And, me and my boyfriend continually struggle with discerning our futures. Which is hard to do properly when society, it feels like, expects marriage asap. Its stressful and heartbreaking at times. Yet exciting and wonderful as I know God will not lead me astray. Please take care.

Much prayers coming your way!

*Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for accepting us into your loving arms and bringing us home to your Church, despite the sins of our past. Please Father, help us to be open to whatever calling you have for us and accept it without question or fear. Aid us in our quest for Your knowledge and let us gain strength from your blessings and from eachother as we find our paths to you. Amen.*
 
mary_therese said:
First of all, I truly haven’t discerned on which vocation I might be called to. My current boyfriend (who i truly owe a lot to for showing me the door to the Catholic Church) and I are both at odds, feeling that we are either to be called to marriage, or I to be a nun and him to be a priest. It is kind of a very odd situation.

But my real question is on being a non-virgin. I had been dedicated to being a virgin until marraige --until my first year of college, and then things went downhill. I lost any support in faith and strength, and eventually gave into someone when I knew it didnt feel right and truly wasnt. This all stopped when I met my best friend and current bf, he gave me the courage and support i need to fix the problem and stay away from it. Yet, I live with this regret and guilt everyday and do not know how I can redeem myself or be the gift of a bride to my future husband, let alone if I were to become a bride of Christ.

I big issue for me is that this Easter, since I have never been baptized (i come from a nondenominational- wait till they are older and decide for themselves- churches), I will be baptized, confirmed and recieve the Eucharist ( I am so nervous but so very happy!). I know that the Baptism washes away my sins, but I also know that I can never be a virgin again. This upsets me to my very core and I** don’t know where to look for support, or what lives of other people or saints to look at who have had this situation but have gone into either vocation**. Please help, this distresses me so much and I feel so unworthy of either direction!
Click to expand...
I can relate. Neither my wife nor I were virgins when we met. And yes, sometimes that still bothers me. I wish we could go back in time and be each other’s first and only, on our wedding night, like it was supposed to be (does that ever happen anymore?). But even though I feel bad that we cannot give that to each other, I’d still rather be married to her “as is” than to someone else who did happen to be a virgin. She is my Sweet Girl with a Heart of Gold! Who you marry is much more important than what they have or haven’t done. Any man who would reject you for that reason is too possessive for you anyway.

As far as pursuing a religious vocation, try this analogy — sometimes people take a vow of poverty when entering a religious order. Does that mean that they’re disqualified if they once were rich? No, of course not. If anything, it might mean more, precisely because the person gave up her riches to enter the order. Similarly, a person isn’t disqualified from taking a vow of celibacy because they previously were unchaste (and really, who hasn’t been unchaste, at least in their heart?).
 
Thank you all so much for replying. All of you helped me out a bunch and I appreciate what you’ve said so much!

Thank You!!!
 
One of the early Church fathers, a celibate all his life, when asked if he were a virgin, replied, “Not yet”.

There is innocence which comes from lack of knowledge, and innocence which is born of experience, and then choosing innocence and purity.

Your concern alone speaks worlds…Blessings.
One Order expresses a hope, as almost none of their aspirants is a virgin in these days, that “women will soon get tired of all this sex thing…”
 
We all have something we are not proud of in our lives.

If we are truly sorry and ask for God’s forgiveness, he will grant it to us. God loves us no matter what!

Keep your head held high and thank him everyday that you may serve him.
I believe in you and I know he does too!!

P.S. I read a recent article about some guy who had committed murder, served time and is now a monk in a monastary.
 
“P.S. I read a recent article about some guy who had committed murder, served time and is now a monk in a monastary”

Often this kind of vocation is the strongest and purest there is.

Thankful that his Order had the insight and courage to admit him. Many would not, sadly.
 
I am a Secular Franciscan who has made vows of concecrated celibacy to the Lord. I am truly ashamed to say that in my college and grad school years I was a “wild child”. 😊 It took much life experience (some of it in the fast lane, I am sorry to say) to bring me back to the church. I went to a priest, made a good confession, and never looked back. That was years ago. I am now a Traditional Catholic and am ever grateful for God’s grace. Do not give up on yourself–Our Lord and His Blessed mother will never give up on you. Be kind to yourself, take whatever lessons need to be learned from your past, make a good confession, and move on. God’s grace is sufficient for you!
 
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